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New and Scared.

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Hello ga1964,

I would like to say welcome even though it is not something to be welcomed to.
Like yourself I was recently diagnosed (Jan 24, 2007), and for the first time in my life i can say "i understand". Now i understand why all this FUZZ about HIV. it's not only a very hard disease but also a 'mental-disease" that CAN affects your entire body,mind and life. It is up to you to decide to let it affect you or affect him.
I am not the best guy to give you advice because I am in a depression phase myself.
You see my diagnosis came in a worse timing (as if there is a good time for it) I was switching jobs and traveling so now i am jobless.
What helped me the most is the fact that there are much worse people than I am.
You should be happy you are in a great country like USA. In my country there is only 2 doctors that treat HIV+ positive patients and to give you an idea of the situation, when i got my first test results i called my doctor, it was at 8pm because i was so worried of the results and the only thing he told me "please don't call me after working hours, I am now HOME if it is not an emergency NEVER call me after woking hours" can you imagine a doctor saying that to a two-week-diagnosed-guy

I agree with Ral24guy, the most important thing is to start by loving ourselves again, because nowadays i am torturing myself for letting myself get to THIS.

But everyone has a path and everything in life happens for a reason. the biggest and hardest question remains : "WHY AM I HERE" for? I hope one day ill have the answer for this question and I really hope everyone has this question answered.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT, It is something that I have needed.  The past 2 months have seemed like an eternity and I felt like I was all by myself even though I did have my parent's and my partner's love and support.

To Morethanpoz:  Thank you, one of the things that has troubled me is the feeling of shame.  Shame that I let myself get infected, because I knew how to protect myself and did not.  Shame that I brought this into my relationship of 23yrs.  Shame of bringing this into my family for the second time, my uncle passed away 15yrs. ago.  Hopefully the feelings will start to ebb sometime soon.  Your words helped.

To Water Duck:  You may think I'm "pathetic" because I have had the support of my parents and partner, but I do know what it's like to loose that also.  Due to my Father being a very religious man, I hid who I was and missed 15yrs of having a father.  When I came out to my Mother, her initial reaction was "I no longer have a son.  Don't ever contact me again."  That was 18yrs ago and for the last 3yrs we have started talking and getting past the hurt we caused each other, but I still lost 15yrs of having a mother that I will never get back.  Weather or not I will ever feel totally comfortable around my parents is something I don't think I will ever know.  I'm always waiting for one of them to say "I no longer have a son." again.

To dtwpuck:  Thank you for your advise and support.  Suppressing and not expressing my feelings in the past did allow me to handle some of my problems in the past in the wrong way which has brought me to this place in my life.  I've always worried about not upsetting the other people in my life by dumping my problems on them and try to figure things out on my own.  I even did this with my partner and I'm not sure I know how to break this cycle.  I was raised to handle things on my own and asking for help was a sign of weakness, (God forbid someone would see that I did not have it all together.) and I hated myself for feeling that I needed help.  I felt like I was a failure.  I still do at times.

To Ral24guy  Thank you.  Being told that I had AIDS instead of HIV scared the hell out of me also.  I thought I could live with being told that I was HIV+, but being told that I had AIDS made me think that my time here was up and maybe that is what is triggering some of my depression.  I have had constant thoughts of "Why bother with the meds if I have full blown AIDS.  Why not end it all now and save my family and partner from having to watch me suffer and deteriorate."  I have seen what can happen and it scares me.  I have an appointment with my doctor the first March and hopefully he will give me good news that my numbers moving in the right direction.  I am also trying to find myself again and I thank you for tellling me your story.  It helped me to know that there is someone else who understands.

To lifechanging2007  Thank you.  Your story touched me very deeply.  I cannot imagine how I would handle this and the stress of not having a job at the same time.  The town I live in has only 1 doctor that deals with HIV/AIDS patients and believe it or not, at my first appointment, he told me the same thing.  " Do not call me after hours unless it is an emergency and you are on your way to the Emergency Room at the hospital."  Yes, this does happen in the USA and I can relate to how isolating it can make you feel, but I guess that if he let everyone that he treats to call him at any time of the day or night, he would not get any sleep.  I too am torturing myself for letting me get this and my mother has told me that I need to forgive myself, because my partner was able to forgive me.  I just don't know how yet.  Maybe someday soon I will figure that one out.

Once again let me say THANK YOU to everyone.  You have allowed me to see that there are people out there that care and can understand all the things that I am going thru that my loved ones, even though they try, can't fully understand.

I am very greatfull to you all.     

Welcome, and I'm glad you find us, isnot ease to leave with the virus, but you will see that the only think you need is time, you find a very good place were you can talk to people and ask all questions that you may have, evrybody here is very suported, you will get to know us. Mean time hang in there and remember here we all help and leasing each other  :-*


hi ga1864,
i totally relate on how you feel as i'm sure many others here to can relate with the feeling of shame. i also was careless and i was so mad at myself for a long while (still at times) that i did not protect myself. i just thought, well honestly,i NEVER thought something of this stature would happen to me. i know its such a cliche, but thats what i thought.
i was diagnose this past april of 06. i had a cd4 of 120 and a VL of 56,000.
i never got sick so i had no clue. i had just gotten married and we had a baby boy. we went for life insurance for my son, and i failed my insurance physical. i had no idea why.thought maybe high cholesterol.
well, turns out i had the virus. have had it at least 4 years. i cant tell you the emotional stress of breaking the news to my wife. and that she and my new born son would have to get tested again. it was the worst time in my life.
fortunatley, my wife and son are neg. i'm on meds now and my VL is undetectable and my cd4 is up to 229.
the hardest part of this thing for me has been ALL mental. but with the knowledge and support that you will find here,it will make it a hell of alot easier. time does ease the pain. trust me. i now it doesnt seem like that now,but you will get thru the drama and learn to deal with this me,i've been there. if i can cope,you surely can.
pm me anytime. i have a support number of some people to talk to if you need it.

be strong.

water duck:
My use of the word 'pathetic' is with regards to my welcome to you here !!
It is not really pleasant to have new members coming here, sorry , i dug out 'old bones' for you.
I certainly do not seek to bring you sorrow.

I actually found that you was lucky to have the support of your family and BF, that is what you wrote, sorry , if i had misunderstood you.



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