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New and Scared.

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I was tested just before having major surgery in Dec. 2006, and the day before surgery was told that I had tested positive.  As if facing surgery was not enough stress, my doctor had to drop this bomb on me.  Obviously, I survived the surgery and was sent to see an Infectious Disease Specialist after recovering.  On my first visit, I was told that my T-cell count was 191 and that I had AIDS and my viral load was 28,000.  He put me on Atripla and I have been taking it since late Jan. 07 along with Bactrim until my T-cell count sustained above 200 for at least 6 months.  On top of being angry at myself for getting this, I am scared of what lies ahead.  I live in a small town and my doctor is the only one that treats HIV/AIDS patients in my area.  How can I be sure that he is providing me with the best medical care possible both physically and mentally?  On my last visit I told him that I had been having bouts of depression and if he could prescribe something for it, but he said he wanted to wait because of the possible side affects the Atripla might have on my liver.  I have been trying to cope with my depression, but feel I'm loosing the battle.  My  family and partner have been supportive, but they can't fully understand everything that is going thru my head and I don't have anyone that I can talk to.  My doctor has told me not to tell anyone because of the area in which I live and the attitudes of the people in my town.  If I can't find someone to talk to, I'm scared of where I'll end up.  I asked my doctor about a support group or therapist and he told me to check out this site.

I've never been one to ask for help and have always found solutions to my problems on my own, but I know if I don't find someone to help me I will not have to worry about the HIV or AIDS.


You are not alone!  This whole things really stinks and we've got a raw deal but we are ALL here dealing with it and willing to walk the walk with you.  One of the things I felt and still feel is shame (I was diagnosed poz only a month ago) and a sense I had to hide.  With each day that begins to ebb away.  You have people who are supportive of you.  Focus on that and use the wonderful resources available here.  KEEP POSTING and recognize that all the things you are feeling are normal.  We can all beat this.  Feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Lisa (morethanpoz28)

water duck:
Before i started anything, i like to wish you welcome !! It is pathetic and it is not meant as a joke !!

Bout of depression after a major surgery is normaL

Being angry at having this bug is a sentiment 9 out of 10 of us here have, so you are not unique.
So it is best to let ANGER  become an ally and use it to bring about changes that you now need to make. Apparently, you are on the right path, 'my family and partner are supportive ' what more can you have. There are many of us here , once we disclosed , lost our loved one , like BF and close friends.

You have questions about the quality of your doctor to treat you on the physical and mental level, please rest asssure, he is doing a good job from what you are writing about what he had proposed.
It may be difficult for you to understand that as you needed time to understand what becoming  'positive' is all about ; but in time , you will understand. If a doctor lead you to this site, he is someone very special, i applaud him and is happy for you as you have found a 'jewel'

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, starting loving yourself more !! maybe , that is the message of this bug in your life !!

Don't be scare about where you will end up, (we all are you know, you not the only one) !!!!
YESTERDAY , is gone, we can't change it, TODAY  is what count, TOMORROW is a mystery - a phase quite often used around here.

Relax, sit back, make yourself comfortable, you in for a long ride. You are not changing anything, getting stressed out, only giving control of your life over to HIV, you want that ??


Hi there and welcome. 

Your doctor definitely gave you some unusual advice about not telling anyone, but I guess you will have to judge for yourself if you think THAT advice is appropriate.  However, i strongly encourage you to browse this site for information about effective treatments.  I also encourage you to post in the Living with HIV or Treatment forums if you want opinions of others about whether your doc is giving you good advice.

Remember, this is going to be a rough ride.  You cannot do it alone.  It's ok to ask for help.  We are all here and in the same boat.  Some of us have been doing this for a while and others are new, but all of us understand very well.  While we don't always agree, I guarantee that you will find a whole lot of compassion and understanding on this site. 

Focus on yourself now.  It really is OK to be depressed.  When you recognize that's what's going on, then you can recognize that you can now take steps in dealing with it.  There is no magic bullet which cures depression, but it is critical that you learn to be in touch with your feelings.  Express yourself, and be kind to yourself.  If you suppress something, or don't ask for help, you probably are going to deal with it a whole lot worse later.  Your health will be very much impacted by maintaining a positive attitude.

Best of luck to you, and we're always here.  Peace.. Puck

    I guess I should start with Hello, welcome, and sorry about your diagnosis.  I'm really glad that you found this website.  It has helped me bunches.  Hang in there.  I read your post and just had to respond.  It reminds me quite a bit of my own little story, just no surgery.  I was diagnosed 10/4/06 with a cd4 of 191 and a VL of 58k.  I was told that technically I had AIDS.  Its really scary to hear that.  But after taking the time to educate myself on that subject I learned that most states say that when a cd4 count drops below 200 that they go from HIV+ to AIDS.  As long as you keep taking care of yourself that cd4 will continue to go up.  The doctors immediately started me out on sustiva and truvada.  I don't know about other people, but I noticed that I had good days and bad days.  Some days I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed.  And others I *almost* felt like my old self. 
     You are going to need support, but you have to choose wisely about who you tell.  Some people love to gossip, and others will stand by your side.  There is so much that is still unknown about HIV/AIDS, but what they do know is that people with HIV/AIDS just have weaker immune systems.  That's it.  You are still going to get colds and coughs like the next person, but as long as you stay healthy, you won't see any effects of it. 
      I think the thing that helped me the most was realizing I was depressed.  Realizing why I was depressed.  And then most importantly doing the things that would make me feel better.  Go out with your friends, eat the extra slice of cake, pick the pretty flower.  In time you will realize that you are the same person you always were.  and that nothing has really changed.  I'm struggling to find myself, and its really hard.  Its very hard.  But everyday I feel I am closer and closer to falling back in love with me. 
    Hang in there, keep posting, you're not alone...  We are all in this together. 


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