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Your reactions to testing poz: the first three weeks

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Matty the Damned:
I don't really recall the first 6 months after my diagnosis. Well it's patchy. I was pretty well wasted for most of it.



--- Quote from: CalvinC on June 16, 2006, 02:29:07 PM ---I am wondering about how other people took the news, how they shared it, and most of all, what they FELT.
--- End quote ---

I was dating someone for about 2 weeks and it was time to get another hiv test (i had tested neg 2x prior). was pretty sure it would come back neg again but it didn't ... That day I shed a few tears on the street. I looked up to the sky in confusion but not anger. I was in a fog of confusion and pretending an 800 pound gorilla that was clearly there simply wasn't there. I think some people call that "blocking" something out mentally. ? I told the guy I was dating over the phone and he showed up at my door in half an hour - that meeting was one of the most poignant moments between us. He acted pretty normal. He didn't cry, so I guess that's why i didn't cry. We had a +\- relationship for over 3 years. Now we're just friends. So, in a nutshell, what I felt was fog, confusion, make-believe. It took me 5 years to take sensible action and by then my tcells were decimated down to 42

Calvin...  Interesting question.  I found out two years after David and I got together.  He had been positive for
years and that particular morning was having some bad "side effects" from the med's I had convinced him to try.
I had to take the test the first one came back "inconclusive".  After I left the doctor's office, I wandered '
around for hours trying to figure out how I was going to tell David.  I knew he would blame himself and the last thing
he needed at that moment was something else to deal with...  Finally I called a friend to come get me and take me home...Didn't realize I had wander so far from the doctor's office.  The first three weeks was spent taking care of
David trying to convince him it was no body's fault and working full time.  It wasn't until David died that I actually had
to face my own illness.  Looking back now, I am amazed at how well I kept it together but of course after David died
I did try to commit suicide.  Funny, I hadn't thought of this in a couple of years or so..........

It will be 4 months for me on the 21st of this month.

I found out at a clinic…I went because my boyfriend was in the hospital and the doctors did not know what was wrong with him.  When I was finally able to talk to someone and ask if they had done a mouth swab on him in the ER they said they did and it had came back “inconclusive” and they took blood to confirm the results.  I knew right then that I needed to get tested.

My first physical reaction was to start shaking, quite violently actually.  I looked like I was convulsing.  That lasted about 5 hours.  Within the first 4 hours of being told I was positive, I had been to see my doctor, had blood drawn, went to see a counselor and went to an organization called Christie’s Place who help women infected and affected by HIV/AIDS.  No tears, no drama…………..I was ACTION GIRL!

Actually, I still have yet to cry.  I’m sure it’s shock.  I am the one who consoles my friends.  My mantra is “I’m fine, really, I’m okay”.

Funny thing……all throughout my 20’s and 30’s I had relationships and casual sex.  I can count on both hands the times I used a condom EVER.  Not so much as one STD.  My only worry was that I wouldn’t get pregnant. 

I don’t blame anyone, it’s just as much my responsibility to protect myself.  My only crime is having sex with someone that I loved and trusted.  Shame on me.

But for right now………………“I’m fine, really, I’m okay”


Annual routine checkup with my gay GP in Snowmass Village.   Beautiful day.  Hugged my husband goodbye and said I was getting my results from labs and such.   Dr. Mike sat me down and said your HIV tests was pos.   I turned white as a sheet,  felt faint and felt life as I new it was over.   My life with my husband would be cut short.   

After the news I drove down to Williams College where he works.  Asked him to come outside and I looked at him, then hugged him and said "I tested positive".  Within seconds, he whispered in my ear "Eric, this changes nothing,  I will never let go.  I am probably in the same boat to".   I went to work for .5 hours and told my bosses that I felt ill.   Went home and called my ASO.  My doctor immediacy hooked me up with Dr. Ben out of Denver who actually called me that same day and talked me out of all sorts of bad thoughts.   

During that first two weeks I told my family, Mom & Dad and had re-established a bunch of support people that I have leaned on in the past.   I talked with all my friends I knew who were HIV.  Had dinner with them and Will.   Lost 16 pounds during those first two weeks.   But also established one hell of a support system for me.   William tested pos 1 month later....   One ride I thought I would get off of (suicide) if I could not live the life I wanted to.  I probably hiked 200 miles those first 3 weeks last September trying to figure everything out.   No thought of being on-line or anything like that for the first 3 months of diagnosis.   I wanted only to trust my doctor and have just face to face time with people in my life.  Thought about that for awhile (suicide) and knew I would hurt to many people.  So,  here I am.  One day at a time.  On meds and doing very well....   Not a two week time frame I care to go back and visit very often..  Am I comfortable about HIV at the 10 month mark?  Most people probably would say to me "no" esp those who know me from the boards.   My mind constantly is reminded of a time long past and to this day, it still Fucking Sucks! :'(  But,  I am a slow mender.  I stay active and I will most likely fall off a cliff (unintentionally) before I die from this....


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