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Author Topic: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV  (Read 5400 times)

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Offline bravebuddharich

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  • Posts: 179
Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« on: February 07, 2007, 09:26:49 AM »
I know it's strange to "complain" about this, but I can't seem to find dating opportunities, and I can't find love, but I sure can get plenty of sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex, I tend to top almost always, but I've noticed a self-consciousness has crept in: due to my meds, I've gained a bit of weight (not all that much, but it's new to me and I can't get used to it) - I was having sex and it was really good, but then I happened to see my stomach and I felt that yikes! feeling (i'm 5'11" and 170 lbs., but this is 10-15 lbs. more than normal for me; my weight gain happened a few months after I started my new meds regimen).

I want so much to be dating, but I've given up on internet dating, have tried speed dating, and feel as though I have run out of ideas. I certainly meet guys I'd love to date, but they are almost always allready in a relationship, or my doctor (well, I love him). I read about a straight couple, and they were writing about the quiet things, the kisses each morning, the hugs, and I want that for myself. I'm clueless at this point. I'm not ugly, just not looking as good as I did as a teen, in my twenties or in my thirties (i'm 42). My brother-in-law and brother are both incredibly obese (i'm adopted), but they both have marriages (straight), so why am I still single? I had a pretty good relationship for years when I was in my late 20's - early 30's, so I know it IS possible!!

Sex confuses me: I enjoy it, yes, but I want more. I particularly like talking to my buds afterwards!! They aren't boyfriend material, it's not what they want from me. They want me to screw them, which is fun, but I want love & commitment, marriage even...

I wonder how other single guys are living with HIV, and trying to date, find love, etc.??

Offline indyguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2007, 09:49:23 AM »
Hey whats up? Thats so crazy you posted this because I was just posting an ad for dating. I have found the same thing here in Indianapolis. I can always find sex but they never seem to want more or they are heavy into drugs. I can deal with 420 and poppers but not all the heavy stuff. Let me know if you find a real outlet to find a serious person. So far I havent found it yet. Good luck in your search... :o
Meds doing well so far.

Offline bravebuddharich

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  • Posts: 179
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2007, 09:57:58 AM »
Well, I don't do any drugs, never have, am a total square!! I hate clubs, wish they didn't exist!! Some of the guys I meet are into drugs, but I'm usually unaware of it right away, due to ignorance on my part.

I have an additional worry due to HIV: i have sex with other men who are HIV poz too, but I worry about other STD's. Do my best to keep things as safe as possible, but it's never 100% safe.

I wish you luck, too, in your search. Maybe Indianapolis is friendlier than Boston, I hope so for you!!

Offline Buckmark

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  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2007, 10:51:42 AM »
Hi Rich,

This is definitely a topic I can relate to, being 42 and having been single for what
seems like forever.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I have any great advice for you. 
I too find that online dating is a vast wasteland -- plus, more often than not I end up
meeting folks who live far away, and long-distance relationships just don't work
for me.

What I have been trying to do is get more involved in social activities (volunteering,
groups for specific hobbies/interests, etc.).  That way, not only am I doing things
that I enjoy, I am also I am also increasing my chances of meeting guys since I am
around other people more often.  Basically it comes down to living and enjoying my
life, and putting myself in social situations where there is potential to meet guys --
where it be for friends, dating, or a relationship. 

Other than that, I really don't know what else to do.  I'm coming to realize that
I have to find a way to enjoy my life as it is right now, and not wait/depend on
the right guy to come along to make me happy ('cause there ain't no guarantees
that will ever happen).  Of course, for me, all this is easier said than done. 

Regards,

Henry


"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2007, 02:49:13 PM »
Hi Rich,

Sex confuses me: I enjoy it, yes, but I want more.

I'm 47 years old. I'm by no means an expert on relationships, but in my unasked-for opinion, maybe it's time to reverse the order of activities.  In other words, try starting out with the “after show” – something involving conversation and a touch of romance,  say – and leave the sex till another time. It worked for me. It was just a matter of adjusting priorities.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline puertorico2006

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  • Posts: 957
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2007, 03:00:33 PM »
LOL i always say that im going to leave sex for afterwards but im weak i always give in :-\ (I think theirs a word for people like that but i forgot hehe)lol......dating is hard positive or negative even harder when you add gay to the picture....

you just have to keep trying  :P ....but yea i date often but dont usually get past date #2so its hard :-\
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2007, 03:06:18 PM »
Well honey, it's definitely not a gay thing. I just turned 38 and have been feeling the twangs of lonliness. I'm like you, not into clubs, drinks Arbor Mist on occasion but does smoke some bud. I have tried all the avenues that you have to try to meet someone and it never seems to get past the initial email or the person lives too far away. Just wanting you to know I can relate to how you are feeling.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2007, 07:15:14 PM »
Peter, Ann, Andy and Tim (having forgotten you earlier) I had nothing to do with Rich's thread either!  I posted some of my thoughts about internet problems in the current 'other' thread about dating.  What I am circling is what has been true in the past and a new idea.  Henry has posted what I have held to be true when I was counseling guys about dating: you are more likely to find someone if you are out there, doing things which you enjoy doing, whether it's volunteer work, games, sports, whatever.  It means that the guys you are around also (well, I hope so) enjoy doing this activity.  And you can talk, hopefully, about more than what that thing in front can do with that area in the back. :) 

My other idea is based on how we get to know each other here.  Speaking for myself, I have gradually gotten a better and better, closer and deeper, understanding of regular posters here over the past 3 months.  I've been able to 'watch' everyone when he or she is being serious or flirty, depressed or elated, nasty or unbelievably kind, understanding and patient.  Now this doesn't help when 'connecting' with people who live around the globe from where you live, but the concept, the means of meeting people through conversations like this, seems to me to be something I would like to add to the options.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2007, 07:19:40 PM »
Odd as this sounds, I realize that right now I'm not really sure I'm ready for a relationship to start, and I'm not looking for sex either.  Since I don't care about it right now, I secretly hope he's gonna show up anyway!! ;)
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Blixer

  • Member
  • Posts: 712
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2007, 07:28:27 PM »
Rich,

I can definately identify with what you and others have said. I've been going through the same thing.  I hate the clubs and the Internet thing just doesn't seem to work.  I could line up plenty of sex, but I know I really want more.  I want something with meaning but can't seem to find that.  And of course, I'm a bit gunshy because I don't have the best track record when it comes to relationships.  Sometimes I think I torpedo myself.  I want the guys that don't want me and don't want the ones that do.  And if they show an interest, I tend to run away.  Or so it seems to me.  Ironically, I thought I was just getting beyond that and ready to date again when I got my diagnosis.  Since then I've had two negative guys that wanted to date but I just can't get over the mixed status deal.  So here I am, like several of you have said, still single.
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2007, 07:32:12 PM »
First off, I don't think your belly is necessarily because of meds.  You're 42.  Guess what?!!!  Welcome to your forties.  Even if it's the meds...your metabolism has slowed down and you get to experience the joy of aging. 

Secondly, it's easy to blame being positive for the lack of decent dates.   But, you will hear the same complaints from straight people, negative people, martian people. 

Lastly, there is no magic bullet to finding a mate.  But, you might as well have fun trying.  Just remember, you have better luck finding the right guy by being emotionally available and not assuming that the guy you are fucking is there just because all he wants is hot sex.  There are an awful lot of guys out there who complain about the same thing, but yet act as slutty as possible. 
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline AustinWesley

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    • HIV Discussion Group on Myspace!
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2007, 08:08:17 PM »
I'm afraid I have to agree with Puck here.   I've heard a lot of whining blaming every issue on HIV.   The only limitations as far as dating are those you place on yourself.     All of those insecurities prior to HIV are still with us, but quite frankly most people I know complaining they can't get a date because of HIV probably couldn't before.

It's like a broken record.  Ugh!

This is a prime example of why I would not ever exclusively date HIV+ guys!
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2007, 01:50:05 AM »
but quite frankly most people I know complaining they can't get a date because of HIV probably couldn't before.

Maybe it's just me here but I feel that is a mean thing to say. I also disagree with you because before hiv, I was getting quite a few dates. In my case, becoming poz has made me more cautious when it comes to relationships. Not that I wouldn't mind getting with a neg but after some consideration, I changed my mind. Why? I would feel guilty if I infected someone. Being with a poz person would be a lot easier because we could relate to each other and more than likely have some of the same concerns. I think it's great that people are in +/- relationships but I feel that it is not for me. Sorry, but I feel you are off mark here. But that's just me and I'm just saying....
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline AustinWesley

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  • Posts: 815
    • HIV Discussion Group on Myspace!
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2007, 02:42:50 AM »
Hey Queen,

I personally feel that the stigma is likely much worse for straight women and men.

As far as gay men, sure HIV isn't a big bonus, but my statement wasn't to be mean.   It's just a fact.    I've got a number of friends who are HIV+ who blame all their shortcomings on HIV.   

Taking HIV out of the equation it's simply not attractive or appealing meeting someone who seems overly negative or pesimistic about everything in life.   

Wesley

Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,039
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2007, 02:53:52 AM »
Sure Wesley, but you seem to discount that poz  people, straight or gay, have a particular set of difficulties to overcome when dating, if they get to dating in the first place, and I agree with Queen that your remarks seem unkind. To recognise these difficulties and to debate them in order to solve them and to find support is not 'being negative or pessimistic". And 'taking HIV out of the equation' is for most of us, well, not an option.

Offline AustinWesley

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  • Posts: 815
    • HIV Discussion Group on Myspace!
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2007, 03:03:23 AM »
Sure Wesley, but you seem to discount that poz  people, straight or gay, have a particular set of difficulties to overcome when dating, if they get to dating in the first place, and I agree with Queen that your remarks seem unkind. To recognise these difficulties and to debate them in order to solve them and to find support is not 'being negative or pessimistic". And 'taking HIV out of the equation' is for most of us, well, not an option.

Well, I'm not talking about in the context of this forumn, I'm talking about the real world.

I don't see how I could possibly be "discounting" the difficulties since I am also positive.   I'm well aware of them.

I stand by my original comments.   
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline bravebuddharich

  • Member
  • Posts: 179
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2007, 05:24:55 AM »
Wesley's posts got me to thinking about the ways in which gay men so often judge each other and ascribe to others thoughts & feelings they don't have, based on their own stuff.  One of the reasons dating has been difficult for me has had to do with economics: I dated alot more when I had money than I do now. Another is getting older: alot of men my own age will say things like "I am only dating men under 30" or some other nonsensical thing of "only blue eyed people" or "only people over 6' tall!", etc. I've been frustrated by all of this; I worry that my buds, who are much more sexually active than I am, might give me additional worries despite my best efforts to keep things as safe as possible. And I am clear, very clear, that they don't want a romantic longterm relationship. I have an aversion to cellibacy, which is my stuff.

When I was dating, I found many of the men I went out with to be incredibly selfish human beings. Things like talking on their cell phones incessantly (my biggest pet peeve), or cruising the room, etc. My longest relationship was with a neg man - it was an issue for us, no matter how much we tried to work through it, it was always there.

I think we all want to be loved; just some of us I've noticed have given up. I dont' want to give up!

Offline dtwpuck

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  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2007, 05:27:05 AM »
I'd have to agree with Wesley.   HIV is a stigma, but it's not a crippling one when it comes to dating.  Yes, there are people who won't date you because you are positive, but there are a lot more people out there who wouldn't date someone  because they are fat, old or queenie.  You see,  we all put filters on who we will date and not date.

Gay men of all stripes complain incessantly about "all men want is sex; I really want something more."   Humbug.  That same person then turns around and posts a cock shot on manhunt. 

The reasons why people don't want to date someone are complex.  HIV is only one thing, and in the gay world it's only one issue. It's all about what you project.  The number one biggest turn off for people when it comes to finding a boyfriend is negativity.  I know plenty of happy, well adjusted positive guys who have zero problems finding dates.  I know others who complain non stop about not finding dates and find anything they can to blame.  Usually it's HIV.  But you also hear the really common "I hate (insert city name here).  The guys here are different from (insert better city here). "  Whatever. 
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2007, 05:29:35 AM »
10 Tips to Help Gay and Bi Men Make Better Choices About Dating and Relationships

* "Check in" with yourself to understand what’s behind your motivation for dating or being in a relationship. How much are you affected by others’ opinions of you based on whether you’re single? Do you feel more alive when you’re involved with another guy? Are you genuinely attracted to this guy? Are you reacting to feeling lonely or rejected?

* Identify what kinds of experiences have been satisfying when dating or being in a relationship in the past… and what has left you wanting something else. How you've felt about past experiences can direct you to what will work for you in the future.

* Get in touch with what you value, what you need and what you desire in another guy and in a relationship. Without this awareness, you may well make choices that don’t satisfy what’s really important to you. This is your life... follow your bliss!

* Recognize that dating or being in a relationship makes demands on you – and not only time, effort and sacrifice – it demands that you reveal who you are to another guy. It's important to know how prepared you are to do this at this time in your life.

* Timing is (almost!) everything… are you really ready to date or be in a relationship? Or are difficult life circumstances – dealing with significant health changes, substance use, experiencing oppression, grief over a loss, etc. – stressing your ability to handle the additional challenges of connecting with another guy?

* Be aware of the power balance between you and the other guy. If you feel you have little power, how will you be able to negotiate what you need or desire? If you feel you have most of the power in a relationship (not an easy thing to recognize!), will you be able to really hear what the other guy wants or desires?

* People change over time… and so do relationships… particularly in the early stages of getting to know someone. It’s important to be prepared for the natural evolution of relationships -- and the first step towards this is to accept that change is inevitable.

* Before you begin to date or start a relationship, make sure friends and family are there for support – you’ll appreciate them helping you celebrate the highs and deal with the lows!

* Recognize you have a choice in saying "yes" or "no" in any situation – and that choosing to be single is a choice.

* Be prepared for the feeling that dating or being in a relationship is not always easy! Many dates do not lead to an ongoing relationship and most relationships you’re in will not be the "final one" (if this was true, we would all still be in our 1 st relationship!)
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2007, 06:57:29 AM »
Behind the scenes last night I talked to Bryan, the founder/owner of SIN (Strength In Numbers), whose mission is to create social outlets exclusively for hiv positive men with locations across the country.  What I am hoping to do is create a something in P-town during the season which will give positive guys an outlet other than the ASGCC drop-in lunches and Tuesday night dinners/board games.  SIN is not a dating service but, as suggested above, options to do things by which guys can meet each other in the process of doing them.  If this moves along, I would also nudge the profiler of poz personals to consider making an appearance. :)  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline bravebuddharich

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  • Posts: 179
Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #20 on: February 08, 2007, 09:19:57 AM »
I actually tried to start something like that here in Boston, Poet. Board games, movie night, anything that does not include drugs or drinking!! I'd love to make more friends! I joined a gay men's bowling group, but it felt more like a club than a bowling alley, and it was incredibly expensive, too. (it was also impossible to talk to anyone with all the excess noise of t.v. sets, loud music, etc.) This SIN project, any chance it will be here in Boston? Sign me up, it's just what I'm looking for!! Does SIN have a website/how would I get in touch?

Offline keyite

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #21 on: February 08, 2007, 11:35:37 AM »
The SIN website is here: http://www.strengthinnumbers.org/

Looks like there is already a chapter in Boston...  :)

Offline marco23

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2007, 11:37:08 AM »
I firmly believe that if someone truely wants to be in a relationship, he/she will find it.  Love always finds a way!
Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2007, 12:01:38 PM »
Hey Brave,

I think that SIN might be a great suggestion.   

A few years back I was browsing around for a funny B-Day gift for a gay friend of mine and ran across what I felt would be a perfect gag gift for him since he was constantly complaining about his inability to find a man.   So I run across this book:

Husband Hunting Made Easy (And Other Miracles for The Modern Gay Man) by Patrick Price.   The title was just too hilarious to pass up.   Anyways, I started reading it myself and found it was actually not only hysterical, but it had some really constructive advice.   Friends loved the book and someone eventually ran off with my copy.    I found the book again on Halfprice.com and bought several copies.  I give em out for birthday gifts.   

If you are unhappy with something in life you've got 2 choices.   1. Learn to live with it.  2.  Change it!   If rule 2 isn't possible see rule 1.   ; )   

I know a LOT of people who aren't positive who complain even more than positive guys, but instead of HIV they might blame everything on something else like their career or their percieved body image.  Believe me, others will pick up on this even if it's not something you realize you're projecting.

Some things we can't change, but there are lot's of things we can.   

Ask yourself, would I date me?   If the answer is No, figure out the reasons why.    Work on the ones you can and don't obsess over the ones you can't.   Work on maximizing your positive attributes and minimizing those negative ones.

It may sound stupid and simplistic, but seriously think about it.   Would you date yourself?   

Best of luck to ya!

Wesley
« Last Edit: February 08, 2007, 12:03:48 PM by AustinWesley »
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline bravebuddharich

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2007, 01:15:17 PM »
Thanks,poet, for the strength in numbers info - hopefully, it will grow and be a place to make friends, maybe find dates, too. 

Offline poet

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #25 on: February 08, 2007, 01:39:35 PM »
Sorry, Rich.  I was catching up on the SINBoston Yahoo group posts all day which is how the members communicate with each other.  And, of course, that led to links all over the place.  SIN, which Paul/LongIslander knows from its reportedly very active NYC branch, has locations across the country.  From what I heard Bryan say, if you don't find a location on its website near you and you think that there are enough guys to keep one alive, he's very open to seeing it happen.  As with the Cape, it will be about where ever the members see it going.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline bravebuddharich

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #26 on: February 08, 2007, 02:12:15 PM »
Thanks, poet, I found the SIN Boston site. 105 members on the e-mail list (which doesn't mean all that much; some I noticed aren't from Boston). I also noticed I have had sex with some of them, too, including an ex I haven't seen in years and years. Hmmm... anyway, maybe there will be some good energy, some good social opportunities...

Offline Longislander

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #27 on: February 08, 2007, 09:16:35 PM »
I'd date me!  ;)
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline bravebuddharich

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #28 on: February 08, 2007, 11:15:03 PM »
I dio date me!

I take myself out on dates all the time!! (i'm great company!!)

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2007, 04:56:18 PM »
I read a book Finding the Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide for Tapping into Your Own Source of Love, Happiness, and Respect by Brad Gooch. Look it up on Amazon - The reviews are hilarious!!!  :D  :D  :D

One reviewer said: "Using himself and his own over-the-top lifestyle as a blueprint for "finding the boyfriend within" would have been like Marie Antoinette writing a dessert book for the hungry masses of pre-revolutionary France. It just rings false."  :D

I didn't see it that way. I thought it had some helpful hints... but I've forgotten them by now or maybe they're in my subconscious  :D 

« Last Edit: February 14, 2007, 05:02:34 PM by allopathicholistic »

Offline poet

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #30 on: February 14, 2007, 05:15:08 PM »
Well, when you look like (Dr.) Brad Gooch or William (Bill) Mann, do we wonder how they get dates? Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #31 on: February 15, 2007, 02:23:26 PM »
Win, could you please explain what you mean here?   I don't understand the comparison.  All I know is one of these guys is some author.  I'm sure you have a point, I just am not sure what it is? 
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline playwithmeplz

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2007, 03:00:53 PM »
LOL, I haven't gotten there yet but am trying. Now that I'm "metally stable" with the issue, we'll see where it goes from here! (I probably should still be in the "I just tested Positive", but got kicked out of there! LOL

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #33 on: February 15, 2007, 03:06:11 PM »
Hey Play,

I thought I'd never date again.  I ended up in a relationship w/ a neg. guy w/in a month of my diag.   Who would've thought right?   That relationship did end, but it had nothing to do w/ HIV.   

So, I'm eager to hear your questions.   I'm certain there are plenty of people with experience here who can help answer your questions.  I try to do my best ; )

Wesley
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline playwithmeplz

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2007, 03:18:14 PM »
Hey Play,
I thought I'd never date again.  I ended up in a relationship w/ a neg. guy w/in a month of my diag.   Who would've thought right?   That relationship did end, but it had nothing to do w/ HIV.   
So, I'm eager to hear your questions.   I'm certain there are plenty of people with experience here who can help answer your questions.  I try to do my best ; )
Wesley
HI Wesly,
     LOL, it's taken me nearly that long to get my sex drive back. Between getting the HIV and dealing with passing it on before it was detected guilt, I guess I'm finally starting to "deal with it".
How did you approach the subject of being Positive with your date?

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #35 on: February 15, 2007, 03:35:26 PM »
Hey Play,

HA, I remember the HIV counselor handing me a huge bag of condoms and lube when my diag. was confirmed.   I told him, keep em, I'm never having sex again.   I was wrong, but know what you're talking bout.

Well, basicallly my former partner had been asking me out or trying to get me to go on a date before I found out.   Anyways, he asked me at some point after my diag. and I replied with something like I am sorry, but I just tested positive.   To my surprise he said So, that means you won't go on a date with me?   

To be honest, my dating life has not really changed from what it was prior to my diag.   

Wesley
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline playwithmeplz

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2007, 03:42:04 PM »
Hey Play,
HA, I remember the HIV counselor handing me a huge bag of condoms and lube when my diag. was confirmed.   I told him, keep em, I'm never having sex again.   I was wrong, but know what you're talking bout.
Well, basicallly my former partner had been asking me out or trying to get me to go on a date before I found out.   Anyways, he asked me at some point after my diag. and I replied with something like I am sorry, but I just tested positive.   To my surprise he said So, that means you won't go on a date with me?   
To be honest, my dating life has not really changed from what it was prior to my diag.   
Wesley
Thanks Wesley, you can call me Mike. Well, to date, I've had lots of ... "non-intentional" hits via the net. So far, (seeing as I really haven't had the interest anyways), I've told them all my status, and they disappeared.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #37 on: February 15, 2007, 03:51:28 PM »
Well Mike,

That's gona happen sometimes.   I'm not really an expert of online dating, but I tend to meet people in person or at parties etc.   If you are referring to gay.com it wouldn't surprise me.  I couldn't tell ya the last time I was on there.

I'd agree with some of the other posters here about various social activities.   I'm also not a huge bar goer, but I am social.

Daniel listed some tips earlier which might be of help to ya as well.   Nothing wrong with being single either until you are ready.

Wesley
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline playwithmeplz

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #38 on: February 15, 2007, 04:05:11 PM »
Well Mike,
That's gona happen sometimes.   I'm not really an expert of online dating, but I tend to meet people in person or at parties etc.   If you are referring to gay.com it wouldn't surprise me.  I couldn't tell ya the last time I was on there.
I'd agree with some of the other posters here about various social activities.   I'm also not a huge bar goer, but I am social.
Daniel listed some tips earlier which might be of help to ya as well.   Nothing wrong with being single either until you are ready.
Wesley
Hi Wesley,
      I've not actually used an "online dating Servive" but have met most people over the last few years via "online". Although I'm quite the extrovert online and while I karaoke, I'm not good at meeting people. The bar scene (unless karaoke) is not my scene, even more-so now that I am not allowed to drink.
     My game plan is to try to get my Civilian career launched again and then hook up with this club called "Events and Eventures". Like you said, nothing wrong with being single, and who knows... maybe through one of my vast personal enjoyments (bowling, fishing, camping, snow skiing, running marathons ... and the lists go on) I'll meet someone to at least hang out with.

Offline bravebuddharich

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #39 on: February 15, 2007, 04:47:07 PM »
I want to be dating again. Volunteering and my meditation center are straight people, which is fine, some nice friendships; I've been trying to get some poz socials going, fun activities, new friends... I'd date several of the guys on here (ndrew and wesley especially) if they lived where I live! I want to gently kiss my partner often, hold hands, lots of hugs, and mutual respect and caring... YES! I think we humans need it, not just want it, but some people talk themselves out of it out of fear.

Offline playwithmeplz

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #40 on: February 15, 2007, 05:06:13 PM »
I want to be dating again. Volunteering and my meditation center are straight people, which is fine, some nice friendships; I've been trying to get some poz socials going, fun activities, new friends... I'd date several of the guys on here (ndrew and wesley especially) if they lived where I live! I want to gently kiss my partner often, hold hands, lots of hugs, and mutual respect and caring... YES! I think we humans need it, not just want it, but some people talk themselves out of it out of fear.
I'm not sure where you are, but in Houston we actually have a yahoo group set up so people can meet other people (infected or affected) by HIV. IF there's not one in your area, you could possibly start one. The onle one I know of in Houston is called
houbhive@yahoogroups.com
Although it's hetero, you might be able to start a new one based on it's premise. I think I found it by google?

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #41 on: February 15, 2007, 05:28:40 PM »
Nothing wrong with being single either until you are ready.

Wesley, not only nothing wrong with it but I found once I was okay being with just me, that's when I started to meet people.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline 545

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #42 on: February 15, 2007, 05:32:19 PM »
Okay, this is my first time posting here.  I was diagnosed with HIV back in August.  And yes, it sucked and it still does.  I was the cute black guy out at the club running after all the cute white boys.  I could get anyone I wanted.  I guess its not until now that I realize that I am or was a sex addict.  It is or was something that I really enjoyed.  Now I'm faced with this due to my stupidity.  I have had sex once since I was diagnosed and that was with a friend who I had told I was HIV + and then he told me he was as well.  Since then nothing.  I don't have time for dating while working two jobs and going to school, and yes being in the Army.  I wish I could date and I have a couple of options but I am holding myself back.  Its just not the same.  I'm damaged goods.  I'm like that shiny apple and you bite into it and there are worm everywhere.  I know this sound like a dooms day speech but I know others can relate.  I have a guy that I'm not really dating but he stays with me.  He was actually the reason I ended up finding out I was HIV +.  He got sick and went to the doctor and they said he had gonorrhea.  Didn't catch that from me.  I went to get tested and I came out with far worse.  I immediately told him.  Luckily he hadn't and still hasn't contracted anything.  He admires me for my honesty and after being mad or whatever (which is perfectly in his right...he is 19, I am now 30).  He realizes that I was honest with him the whole time.  Thankfully with him I used condoms.  One time I didn't so that was a scare.  I feel inadequate now when he comes to stay and we cuddle and kiss.  I feel inadequate because I can't fuck the shit out of him like I could.  I'm so used to having guys want my dick.  It was just so easy.  Now I thing when I'm at the club, what's the point.  I do NOT want to give this shit to anyone else.  But I want to be with cute guys like I used to be.  Its just not the same.  I have not had sex since August.  I have never gone that long without.  I used to be a two or three times a day guy.  Now can you imagine if I had done then on my own what I am forced now to do against my will and not have sex.  I think for now dating is out of the question.  Of course, I would be looking for someone who is HIV + because I believe he would understand, at least.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: Sex, Love, Dating while HIV
« Reply #43 on: February 15, 2007, 07:23:55 PM »
Nothing wrong with being single either until you are ready.

Wesley, not only nothing wrong with it but I found once I was okay being with just me, that's when I started to meet people.

Daniel


Hey Daniel,

I know a LOT of people think that's a cliche, but it's true!   

W
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

 


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