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Author Topic: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?  (Read 11040 times)

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Offline poet

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  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Another poetic/philosophical posts: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection or the week or month- your choice- which would also mean that everything which has happened to you since then, including anyone you have met through becoming hiv positive, you would not have met, anyone you have met through these forums, you would not have 'met,' any insights you have gained, about life, about love, about yourself: everything which has happened as a result of your becoming hiv positive would be erased; would you go back?  To make it easier, think in terms of the linkage: I met John because we were in a support group or I left this career path or job because I became hiv positive.  What I hope we can pull out here is some of the bad things but also more of the good things; the bad health moments which you would give anything, perhaps, to not have had to go through; the loneliness, the feelings of guilt or shame we see posted, but also what has been learned on this journey: would you give all of this up? Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline ACinKC

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Nah.  even with this stupid thing life is pretty good.  Ask me when im in a hospital with PCP.  I may change my mind.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline RapidRod

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I would have to say no. Would I like not to have AIDS? Yes, but I wouldn't like to go back the day, week or year before.

Offline Blixer

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While I'm not happy that I have this virus, I do think I'm a better person because of it.  So no, I would not want to go back.  As ACinKC said though, I might change my mind if I get to a point where I'm not doing okay.  Because of this virus I've learned to appreciate life much more than I did before.
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline ademas

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Yes.
in a NY fuckin' minute.

Offline aupointillimite

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Oh God, yes.

In a bloody heartbeat.

I would take it all back.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Life

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I would not have met my husband, my life partner, William..

I would be, again, alone....

I can't answer this question cuz it has not gotten bad enough (yet).


Offline dtwpuck

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No.  I was an idiot.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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*puts on Cher wig and costume and startrs crooning*... If I could turn back time.... ;) Who wouldn't wish they could go back to when they were neg. I would not want to lose the friends I made here. I would want to be more educated when it comes to hiv. But it don't make no sense to dream about something that is not going to happen.* as Au would say* Le Sigh.....
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline whizzer

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Yes.  Without a doubt.

Offline AlanBama

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2007, 09:46:15 PM »
I'm with Whizzer here.   Yes, in a heartbeat.

Of course, I am a 20 year survivor, so a great deal of my life has been spent being HIV+.   Would I give up all the people/relationships I have had in that time?   Well, who's to say I would have to?   Or maybe they would have been replaced by different friends and acquaintances.....it's all too hypothetical for me to think about very seriously.

But yes, I would go back.   I hate AIDS that much.   It has taken so much from me.....I feel like I have been held at gunpoint for 20 years. (and I'm REAL tired of it)

Just sayin.....   ;)

Added on edit:  I can't imagine my life without the friends and people that are in it now......but I can imagine it with a real career, some money, some security, a home, etc.....
« Last Edit: February 01, 2007, 09:48:28 PM by AlanBama »
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2007, 09:48:55 PM »
There is no way to evaluate this question, because there's no way to say (for example if you've say 15 years HIV+) how you would have developed as a person WITHOUT the virus.  Could have been much better, could have been worse.

I can't bother to think of these things.  Waste of energy.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline bocker3

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2007, 09:51:29 PM »
In a fucking flash I would go back!!!
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Life

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2007, 10:19:51 PM »
I would fuck up the entire "Space Time Continuum" anyway and the whole fucking universe would explode...

No going back.... ;)

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2007, 10:24:28 PM »
I would fuck up the entire "Space Time Continuum" anyway and the whole fucking universe would explode...

No going back.... ;)

If by "space time continuum," you mean "Michael J. Fox," I could get behind fucking that up.  Oh yes.

Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2007, 10:27:06 PM »
There is no future in the past.

What is, is.
Positive since 1985

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2007, 10:28:17 PM »
I'd go back in a heartbeat.   I'm not one of these Polly Anna types who feels this has been a blessing in disguise!
« Last Edit: February 01, 2007, 11:58:40 PM by AustinWesley »
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline Life

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2007, 10:31:32 PM »
Which sequal was Polly Anna in? I missed that one...  Was it the Old West?  ;D

Offline leximancer

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2007, 11:50:30 PM »
Yes.  Oh gods, yes.  Even without a flux capacitor, I'd go back.

Offline poodlelover

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2007, 12:10:12 AM »
Although I have met some wonderful people by being positive it would be so worth it to give it all up to go back and change it.  who knows where i would be or who i would be with if this had not happened.  Plus i wouldnt have to remember to take meds everyday.  so, yes if it were possible to do time travel I would in a heartbeat. 
Connie

Offline Optimistic

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2007, 12:32:18 AM »
oh god YES....faster than the speed of light. I think if every single person were offered a chance to go back to the day before they were infected, I have a feeling the majority would take it regardless of what they say here.

Justin 
12/06 (Atripla): cd4 - 260; cd% - 33%; vl - 169
1/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 267; cd% - 38.1%; vl - 132
4/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 373; cd% - 33.9%; vl - <50
7/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 287; cd% - 35.8%; vl - <50
9/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 356; cd% - 39.5%; vl - <50
12/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 517

Offline koi1

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2007, 01:08:13 AM »
Would I not want to have AIDS. Yeah!  If I could turn back time, it would have to be with what I know now. Otherwise, I might end up with this Nasty little killer inside me anyway. I have met one person here over the phone and we have been there for each other on a more personal level. Most people here are nice, supportive folks, and they add to my life, helping me take this battle one day at a time. I have not been to an AMG, so I can only say that I know people by their kind words that do not require exagerated, esoteric, sometimes meaningless rants, to prop up their egos. Most people here  are helpful in what this website is hopefully about: support, awareness, and I should hope some sort of activism that goes beyond just posting here.

I have stayed in my same career as a teacher, and decided to "give back" which is tough since many have begun to wonder if I have "it". This aspect of the disease has made me stronger, but I don't know where I will be if my health,  my mental competence and my appearance deteriorate further, as many of us don't know. HIV makes no saint out of anyone, but I do believe that for most of us it multiplies our compassion factor. Perhaps this is the greatest gift this disease could bring to anyone, regardless of where they were at the time their life changed forever.

rob
« Last Edit: February 02, 2007, 01:20:12 AM by koi1 »
diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable

Offline jupiter

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2007, 02:40:54 AM »
Yes!   :)

Im sure we would have met at some stage.

 But It could be worse.

Im thankful i am healthy that i can walk see, hear. I have a roof over my head i have a job, I have good friends.


Offline poet

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2007, 07:07:29 AM »
No, I would not want to go back to the person I was, freely exploring the fringe of gay life in movie theatres, bathhouses and bars and then allow that person to grow older, to my age now, perhaps sitting weekly on the same bar stool at the same bar (able to socially drink) saying the same things to the same people, circling and circling through life as opposed to the person I became, who faced the death of so many and so lost his 'gay childhood' early enough to focus on real things, to find a voice as a writer and write what I could, as I could under the pressure that this voice could end as the voice of other writers had, so early.  To not have experienced an Act-Up demo?  To not have been allowed 'in,' here in the forums, when someone was falling apart, at least for the moment, and there was this space to reach out to him or to her which, given where I would have been: impossible.  To have a b.s. check each day and be able to say, 'fine, enjoy!' 

I realised in creating this thread that it would be difficult for anyone newly diagnosed to have the distance needed for perspective, the current information swirling around, the questions and more questions.  It would also be difficult for anyone who has suffered serious health decline(s) as a direct result of hiv infection... maybe.  But then I can also think about photographer John Dugdale who has lost most of his sight through cmv and for whom this loss of sight has found his sight although he could best explain this.  Or the painter, Patrick Angus, whose work might not have graced my first book had he not been so sick, had he not given up hope of his work being discovered by anyone, who assumed that he would be forced to throw it out.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Alain

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2007, 07:54:09 AM »
Win,

Quite the trigger this morning, for me anyways.

Have to say that I can't allow myself to go there in my mind.

Part of my plan surviving this bug for 20 years, always been to keep it real.

Going back is not a possibility.

Same applies to my lost of hearing. I can't get it back.

My reality.

Alain.

Offline woodshere

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2007, 08:24:50 AM »
There is no way to evaluate this question, because there's no way to say (for example if you've say 15 years HIV+) how you would have developed as a person WITHOUT the virus.  Could have been much better, could have been worse.

I can't bother to think of these things.  Waste of energy.

Can't agree with you more!!  Why go back to that day, why not go back to the decision I made to change jobs and move to Atlanta, change the university I graduated from, rather than go to church that one day have skipped it and not met the most wonderful people I have the opportunity to meet in my entire life.  Harry Truman said he had no regrets and that is to thing also.  Sure I have made huge mistakes, however the decisions both good and bad have brought me to this point in my life and overall it is a pretty good life.

Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline fondeveau

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2007, 08:28:42 AM »
Oh God, yes.

In a bloody heartbeat.

I would take it all back.

Repent! I say repent!  I can't believe aupointillimite would have lived a single day with a regret? 

Offline Cliff

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #27 on: February 02, 2007, 09:08:07 AM »
I say no, cause it just seems like a waste of time.  Why think about what could have been, when it clearly can't be?

Offline poet

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #28 on: February 02, 2007, 09:32:35 AM »
Because when I or anyone else puts him or herself back there, revisits the person we were, I or anyone else can see how we have changed and been changed, how becoming hiv positive has directly changed us, can see, even when it's rough out there, how to balance some of that negative stuff with some of the positive stuff which has come about through being hiv positive which is what some of us need to remind ourselves about to get through each day.  It's not about guilt.  It's not about if I had only not... or had....  It's flipping around the 'now I have to take these meds,' or 'now I can't drink alcohol.'  It's a means of reminding us what we may have gained from getting to this point.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline indyguy

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #29 on: February 02, 2007, 09:45:40 AM »
Hell yes! I would have put a rubber on. Although I have started to make better friends since. Crazy huh. Even started making friends here. Before I was pretty shy and just waited for someone to pick me up at the bar. Now I am making friends that are also poz and creating relationships that are not just based on sex. MMMMMMMMMMMM---sssseeeexxx..... ;D
Meds doing well so far.

Offline Catman

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #30 on: February 02, 2007, 09:57:05 AM »
Oh my. This is a hard one to answer. I "think" I would say a "yes", but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about that answer. I do think I was "in line" for meeting hiv anyways because I wasn't well informed about that back in 1986. It seemed to be something happening far away in New York and San Fransisco. I say this because the first news broadcasts about the new "mysterious disease" were reported from these two cities. If I weigh on a balance all the good and the bad that has come from my 21 years positive I think that the bad side would be a teeny bit heavier and that is why I would have to say "Yes". Still, hiv has made me a better person, it has got me closer to God, and it put in my path my partner who has been with me for the past 14 years and he knew I was positive from the beginning of our relationship. If I could go back just to the afternoon before getting infected I wouldn't have gone out that night with the guy who was on my tail for a date and much less had sex with that night.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2007, 09:59:10 AM by Catman »
Catman

Meow to the birds
Meow to the tree's
Meow to the end
of this dreadful disease...

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #31 on: February 02, 2007, 10:04:58 AM »
I would go back just to make him buy me dinner first  :o

Other than that, no

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #32 on: February 02, 2007, 10:18:39 AM »


  What's meant to be is to be...  I believed many years ago I would travel this path and here I finally am...

  Although I am fearful of what tomorrow may bring, I am content with what it is now...

  I received a call from my doctor the day before yesterday and the news struck me with fear... I can still say I would not change a thing.

  I must pay for all my transgressions from my past... Any happiness I find today, or tomorrow are true rewards.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline stillhere

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #33 on: February 02, 2007, 10:19:28 AM »
This is a tough question. Since I thought we were playing it safe i guess i would go back and play it even safer? But yes i would go back and chances are i would have met a lot of the same people anyhow. My therapist says life is a journey and all that jazz .But i'd like to choose which airline. i've met some of the most wonderful people since being sick and they've helped me prioritize things but the things i miss are many especially energy anyhow i'll stop rambling .......thanks........john

Offline northernguy

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2007, 10:38:13 AM »
If by "space time continuum," you mean "Michael J. Fox," I could get behind fucking that up.  Oh yes.


Yes, I'd go back.  But what difference would it make?  I used condoms then, thought I did everything right, but obviously not.  I also agree with cliff, even thinking along these lines can lead to so much self-torment.

Interesting choice of Michael J. Fox.  It illustrates the fact that even if you could go back, something else could easily have claimed you by now.  Parkinsons is no walk in the park either.
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline dixieman

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2007, 10:40:10 AM »
I would have to say YES! if I could go back but, unfortunately I have to admit it has made me appreciate life all the more. So here's to everyones health! John

Offline racingmind

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #36 on: February 02, 2007, 10:41:58 AM »
If I could retain all the knowledge I have gained since it happened....of course, without a doubt, I would go back...   has everyone enjoyed their impossible fantasy for the day?
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline ademas

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #37 on: February 02, 2007, 10:52:08 AM »
But you are, Blanche.  You are.

Offline Cerrid

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #38 on: February 02, 2007, 10:54:24 AM »
Assuming the time travel option is bidirectional, I think I'd do the opposite: I'd take my address book, push the fast-forward button until this mess is over, then throw a party and invite everyone who's in the book cos they would all be well and alive.
"Boredom is always counterrevolutionary. Always." (Guy Debord)

Offline Life

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #39 on: February 02, 2007, 10:58:29 AM »
Well if Blanche was back when all this started.... Everyone would still be hiv -.. We would..

Offline Coffeechick88

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #40 on: February 02, 2007, 11:42:54 AM »
That's a hard question.  My first inclination is to say I would want to be where I am, but without HIV, because my life was not heading in a good direction--I could have stayed with that guy and my lifeless body would have been found by the cops, but then I also think even if I did go back, who's to say I would have turned out in that worst case scenario.  Maybe I would have gotten the strength to leave and change anyway and still had a great life.  I would like to think that I have much more strength in me that would have been capable of change and everything than to say that I am only in the great place I am in today just because I happened to pick up a virus.  Too many what ifs.  I try not to dwell on the past anymore, I can't change it, the only thing is the here and the now.
Lucas James is here
Born 6-14-08 at 1233 am
8 lbs 14 oz, 22 in long

Offline shepsmom

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #41 on: February 02, 2007, 12:08:06 PM »
you bet I would! I had a blood transfusion when my daughter was born. I remember the exact moment.

Offline shepsmom

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #42 on: February 02, 2007, 12:09:40 PM »
coffechick- you had the strength to pick yourself up and dust yourseldf off after your diagnosis. Right?

Offline Ann

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #43 on: February 02, 2007, 12:38:13 PM »
As someone who believes in karma, I'm not so sure going back to the day before my infection would do the trick. I think I'd have to go back to some other lifetime when the seed was planted.

I'm burning off karma with the flames of hiv.

It just is, OK? ;)

Ann


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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline FiercenBed

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #44 on: February 02, 2007, 12:52:39 PM »
nothing personal poet....but whata silly question!
« Last Edit: February 02, 2007, 12:58:13 PM by FiercenBed »

Offline Christine

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #45 on: February 02, 2007, 01:01:23 PM »
No, I would not go back, even for as bad as it has been over the past 14 years. I like myself better now.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline DanielMark

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #46 on: February 02, 2007, 03:58:10 PM »
Is this like a Zen riddle?

"To produce the sudden insight called satori, many Zen Buddhists in Japan contemplate a 'mind-murdering' form of riddle called the koan. (What is the sound of one hand clapping? What was your original face before you were born?) These riddles of course defy logic, and that is just what they are supposed to do; they are designed to break down the rational intellect, just as LSD does, and thus provide the student with a new viewpoint."~William Braden, The Private Sea, pub. 1967. (pgs. 48-49.)

My answer to your question Win is, yes [because who in their right mind would want HIV/AIDS] and no [because apart from testing Poz, I have few regrets about my life since]. Iíve made peace with my past and like donít see much good in digging up dead things.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Central79

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #47 on: February 02, 2007, 04:15:41 PM »
Oh God yeah... I spend a lot of time thinking and wishing about this, which I guess is only natural one year out? Such a big mistake...
Diagnosed January 2006
26/1/06 - 860 (22%), VL > 500,000
24/4/06 - 820 (24.6%), VL 158,000
13/7/06 - 840 (22%), VL 268,000
1/11/06 - 680 (21%), VL 93,100
29/1/07 - 1,020 (27.5%), VL 46,500
15/5/07 - 1,140 (22.8%), VL not done.
13/10/07 - 759 (23.2%), VL 170,000
6/11/07 - 630 (25%), VL 19,324
14/1/08 - 650 (21%), VL 16,192
15/4/08 - 590 (21%), VL 40, 832

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #48 on: February 02, 2007, 04:35:50 PM »
As someone who believes in karma, I'm not so sure going back to the day before my infection would do the trick. I think I'd have to go back to some other lifetime when the seed was planted.

I'm burning off karma with the flames of hiv.

It just is, OK? ;)

Ann

   My belief also Ann...   
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline marco23

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #49 on: February 02, 2007, 04:48:59 PM »
I think this is such a wonderful question..it's made everyone remember their past (wanting to or not, bad or good)..and wonder - "what if?" -

Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline Ihavehope

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #50 on: February 02, 2007, 04:59:38 PM »
Yes.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Online Buckmark

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #51 on: February 02, 2007, 06:26:21 PM »
The way poet phrases the question is that we would go back without any of the
knowledge, experiences, relationships, etc. that we have gained since.  If that's the
the case, I suspect I'd likely make the same decisions and take the actions again --
or at least there's a high likelihood.  I see it as a moot discussion, until we figure out
how to break the time barrier.

Cheers,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline fondeveau

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #52 on: February 02, 2007, 06:50:32 PM »
Actually, I can say I'm somewhat relieved that I am positive.  Not that its a picnic or without its own worries, but after 25 years of worry about whether it would happen, its a relief that it did happen at a time when significant advances in treatment etc had occurred.  For the time being, I'm happily celibate and free of the worries of the dating game, etc.  I'm taking better care of myself now and its really given me an opportunity to focus on me.  Now, everyone calm down and stop saying I'm HIV Lite....

Offline marc11864

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #53 on: February 02, 2007, 08:32:33 PM »
I'm honestly torn on my own response to this question.

On the one hand, I have learned a lot about myself and about others over the last two years. Much of what I have learned has been an extremely bitter pill for me to swallow however.

I think that it is ironic that today is Groundhog Day and you've chosen to ask this question because sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in the movie of the same name. You know I used to live about 40 miles from Punxsutawney?

The day before I was infected, I was sure of my world and it's surroundings however unpleasant they may be. Then I began to feel like I'm repeating the same day over and over again. Reliving and only slightly altering my perceptions and the daily outcome and sometimes, "I don't think this weather will ever end!"

I guess I can only have faith that someday, I'll make it to the next day.

Hey at least I'm still tryin!  :)
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline Longislander

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #54 on: February 02, 2007, 10:17:24 PM »
Absolutely! I don't believe HIV has changed the person I was before. I was actually finally starting to love myself unconditionally just prior to infection.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #55 on: February 02, 2007, 10:32:03 PM »
I'm feel pretty much like LongIslander here.   

In my own case, I was very satisfied with my own life and my achievements and then I get a bombshell dropped on my parade.   

I can understand some of the viewpoints of others who's lives were already a mess how they could see this as some kind of wake up call or whatever, but that wasn't my case.

I've had to start over completely.   I don't see facing a potentially fatal disease or the thought of complete financial ruin as some sort of spiritual path to enlightenment, and twenty years from now if I'm still alive I still won't.

Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline Life

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #56 on: February 02, 2007, 10:40:17 PM »
I am still pretty sure the universe would explode...

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #57 on: February 02, 2007, 10:50:36 PM »
You know... the more I think about this question... the more I realize that I'm kind of proud of myself for handling HIV so well.  It's helped to put a lot of things in perspective to me... I won't rattle off some horribly cliched tripe about "making each day count" or something so painfully obvious as all that... but I think it's perhaps given me a far greater appreciation for the visceral pleasures of life, the way which I am entwined with my body, and a more mature way of looking at the world.

I've been proud of myself for handling adversity so well, I dare say that most people I know would have either moved back with their parents, or killed themselves, or self-destructed rather ingloriously.  I'm not going to pretend like going out and getting myself a shiny coke addiction had nothing to do with being HIV+, but I managed to have one of those, and my virus, and work full time, and still find time to take care of a cat.  Many people have done this... but when I think about who I was just five years ago... some 19 year old with an overblown sense of self-entitlement, too much faith in intellectualization, and who was positively freaking out to the point of near panic attacks over what he thought was chlamydia (turned out to be a boring UTI)... I think I've come quite a long way... probably pushed unwillingly down the road by my virus quite a bit.

Do I think it's worth it?  I don't quite know anymore. 

Are my new feelings of pride and humanity worth what is likely to be a nasty, somewhat premature death?  Who can say?  But I think that's the best thing about HIV... it's given me this remarkable ability to do something that a handsome 22 year old would never admint to... not know something... and be comfortable with it. 

Odd.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #58 on: February 03, 2007, 02:17:39 AM »
Would I go back almost 15 years and not meet my partner and therefore not contract HIV? My first impulse is HELL yes. Then I start thinking about all the good times we have had together and I have second thoughts. Then when I think about how his life would have been if we had not met and he had to deal with HIV by himself... I couldn't do it. We've helped each other through this and created a pretty good life.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #59 on: February 03, 2007, 03:06:53 AM »
I'd spent some time thinking about this well prior to this post.

I've read all of the posts and the one thing I realized reflecting back on everything is that this isn't just about me.   

I don't feel this is some kind of wonderful awakening or that my life is somehow now enhanced.   That is simply ludicrious.   I have thought about this more than I want to.   I felt my life was progressing well and wondered how much more I could have done and wondered what I would have done without this in my life.   

I've spent countless hours thinking if only this hadn't happend to me I'd have so many opportunities and what could have been.  It's not like I don't believe I can still accomplish any of this still.  I've always been fairly confident in whatever endeavors I chose to pursue and I still look at this as another challenge.

But, you know what I realized.  This isn't just about me at all.  I started thinking about all the people in my life including my parents, my brother and my sister and my closest friends.   This has been a horrible and irreversible nightmare for them.     

So before everyone here tells me how great their lives have been since being diagnosed positive or how their lives have changed for the better, think about how this has affected everyone close to you.   Can they go back as well?   No!   They are stuck with it!

I stand by my original belief that I wish I could do anything to go back in time to fix this not just for me, but for everyone who is now forced into a new surreal and scary reality forever!

Will I recover?   Sure I will.  I've not doubt about it.  I might even still find another Love of my life, but I fail to see how that is going to ever resolve the fear and insecurity this has brought to those closest to me.

HIV & AIDS are not some cosmic gift from the Gods!   
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline cubbybear

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #60 on: February 03, 2007, 05:35:50 AM »
I would go back, and I wouldnt have unsafe sex with the guy who lied to me... but knowing me, I would have had unsafe sex with someone else sooner or later that was HIV+
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline RapidRod

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #61 on: February 03, 2007, 05:41:09 AM »
Austin, you did a lot of wasted thinking. This post was for the individual with HIV, not as a whole group. Each person has a reason for posting their opinions the way they did. Like myself, I've had a very good life and the question was "would you take it back a day before and do it again?" The answer for some of us is no. I've lived with this a lot longer than most of you and going back in time isn't worth the thought. My life hasn't revolved around HIV, even after I was diagnosed. I didn't put anything on hold, what a waste that would have been. There was nothing I couldn't do if I wanted to do it. So for me, I wouldn't want to go back almost 23 years and relive it. HIV/AIDS didn't stop me from being employed, histoplasmosis stopped me from working. So no I wouldn't want to go back about 23 years, no way.

Offline poet

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #62 on: February 03, 2007, 05:50:19 AM »
Marc has posted where this came from (Ground  Hog Day, another discussion with its screenwriter/director, a science teacher at Milton and a professor of the film on NPR).  I did not mention the connection because the question I came up with gets at the core underneath the film and I didn't want this seen as a trite exercise.  Your posts have certainly dug deeply and I hope will continue.  

The WSJ, on Thursday 1 February had an article on the front page of Section D, 'Life After Loss: Lessons From Three Who Survived' which touches (it's very short) on surviver's guilt which we have discussed in the forums.  One of the lessons is 'cope through creativity' and mentions that 'people often do their best work after "transforming illnesses."  She sees creativity as a coping mechanism and notes that Matthew Brady, known for his photographs of the Civil War, did so only after having his sight ruined.  (Remember by earlier mention of photographer and friend John Dugdale?).  The other 'lessons' are: 'press on;' 'help others;' 'recalibrate expectations;' 'find purpose.'  

I apologise to any who thought that because this could be seen as a science fiction thing.  I was hoping, and reading the posts, think we got, posts which made us think about the changes hiv may have made in us.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline blondbeauty

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #63 on: February 03, 2007, 06:30:27 AM »
No. I donīt like having this virus but I would never go back in life for any reason. I would never go back to childhood, or to any other time in the past. Maybe it is because I am still healthy...maybe if I had had a car accident and I was on a wheelchair I would like to go back to teh day of the accident, but in this case...No!
« Last Edit: February 03, 2007, 06:32:09 AM by blondbeauty »
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #64 on: February 03, 2007, 08:31:37 AM »
But, you know what I realized.  This isn't just about me at all.  I started thinking about all the people in my life including my parents, my brother and my sister and my closest friends.   This has been a horrible and irreversible nightmare for them.     

And that's the reason I've never told my friends and family.

I can deal with HIV no problem but I don't trust other people around me to be able to deal with it.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2007, 08:34:26 AM by GSOgymrat »

Offline Catman

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #65 on: February 03, 2007, 08:38:53 AM »
Poet;
        This post is not to be taken lightly and I personally could not compare it to a science fiction movie at all. Your thread really got me thinking and the question was to my opinion a very serious one. I bet most persons here had to think about their reply awhile before posting it. Those are the best replies. Good thread and a good idea of yours to post something like this...

By the way, even when I'm offline I am now frequently analyzing the question still...and weighing those things that surround my life. It has really stuck in my mind.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2007, 08:43:41 AM by Catman »
Catman

Meow to the birds
Meow to the tree's
Meow to the end
of this dreadful disease...

Offline jinghua

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #66 on: February 03, 2007, 11:06:13 AM »
Definately a YES!!! I changed too much after this......covering myself up,don't really want to go out....so bad~~~i miss almost everything in my PASS life......

However, i found a strong supporting fellows here and everyone is helping me without judgement....

THANK YOU~~~~~~~~~~

JH
Live started to change...i wish i can have a better life...

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #67 on: February 03, 2007, 11:14:10 AM »
Austin, you did a lot of wasted thinking. This post was for the individual with HIV, not as a whole group.

LOL, why is my thinking "wasted" ?    I think of these as free form discussions on thought.   If there are going to be rules pertaining to how I respond shouldn't I know about them?   

That's how I feel and I don't understand why my feelings are "wasted thinking" and others aren't.   I'm glad Win put this topic on here cause it's interesting to read various perspectives, not just yours.
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline racingmind

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #68 on: February 03, 2007, 11:14:54 AM »
I'm with gymrat....

I have been toying with the idea of telling my family and friends....but the more I think about it, as much as I would like to include them in what it going on with me, it would hurt them and they might view me differently.

I have a couple HIV+ friends that I can confide in, and I think that's enough for now.  I'm not sick so there is no reason to concern them until there is something to be concerned about.

I figure I'll drive my car into a quarry or something if it ever gets REALLY bad....I hate to say it, but I'd rather be remembered as a person who died in a car accident than a person who died of AIDS.  I know that sounds horrible, but at this point in time I would rather die a quick death than wither away in a hospital bed or hospice.

I hate this.  But maybe I deserve it for being so fucking stupid.  (The effects of therapy are obviously wearing off now that funding has been pulled...)   I'm sorry for the negative attitude everyone.  Please don't mind me.

It's times like this when I REALLY want a cigarette (over 2 weeks off them now).......grrrrrrrrrr.
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline RapidRod

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #69 on: February 03, 2007, 11:28:50 AM »
Quote
I don't feel this is some kind of wonderful awakening or that my life is somehow now enhanced.   That is simply ludicrious.

Austin, then go back and reread your post. You were knocking how someone else thought. Isn't that what you did? Just because you would turn the clock back doesn't mean every one would like to.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #70 on: February 03, 2007, 11:46:07 AM »
No, I simply shared my feelings on the subject honestly and I'm not knocking anyone else's feelings or thoughts intentionally.  This is a personal issue for everyone and I think everyone has a right to express them even if you don't personally agree with my feelings.

If I knew the forumn Gestapo were gona come after me ever time I share something personal then I wouldn't bother replying.

Everyone's entitled to thier own feelings and thoughts.   Part of the process is just getting those thoughts out and working through them.   I wonder how many other people end up altering their feelings or just not even bothering to post for fear of being singled out.



Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline RapidRod

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #71 on: February 03, 2007, 12:13:38 PM »
Austin, that is something you'll have to ask yourself before you start saying someone's elses thoughs were ludicrious.

Offline AustinWesley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #72 on: February 03, 2007, 12:23:19 PM »
I'd spent some time thinking about this well prior to this post.

I've read all of the posts and the one thing I realized reflecting back on everything is that this isn't just about me.   

I don't feel this is some kind of wonderful awakening or that my life is somehow now enhanced.   That is simply ludicrious.   I have thought about this more than I want to.   I felt my life was progressing well and wondered how much more I could have done and wondered what I would have done without this in my life.   

I've spent countless hours thinking if only this hadn't happend to me I'd have so many opportunities and what could have been.  It's not like I don't believe I can still accomplish any of this still.  I've always been fairly confident in whatever endeavors I chose to pursue and I still look at this as another challenge.

But, you know what I realized.  This isn't just about me at all.  I started thinking about all the people in my life including my parents, my brother and my sister and my closest friends.   This has been a horrible and irreversible nightmare for them.     

So before everyone here tells me how great their lives have been since being diagnosed positive or how their lives have changed for the better, think about how this has affected everyone close to you.   Can they go back as well?   No!   They are stuck with it!

I stand by my original belief that I wish I could do anything to go back in time to fix this not just for me, but for everyone who is now forced into a new surreal and scary reality forever!

Will I recover?   Sure I will.  I've not doubt about it.  I might even still find another Love of my life, but I fail to see how that is going to ever resolve the fear and insecurity this has brought to those closest to me.

HIV & AIDS are not some cosmic gift from the Gods!   

Rod, you are reading my post and taking my words out of context to stir up some kind of drama and I've quoted my original post.  Clearly, in my own stream of thought I feel it's ludicrious for me to feel that HIV is God's gift to Humanity.   That's just how I feel and I'm not gona alter my feelings for you.   
Diag. 3/06  Infected aprx. 2 mo. Prior
Date        CD4   %      VL
4/6/06     627    32    36,500     NO MEDS YET!
6/7/06     409    27    36,100
8/23/06   408    25     22,300
1/2/07     354    23     28,700
2/9/07     139    30     23,000  Hep A Vaccine same day???
2/21/07   274    26     18,500 
3/3/07    RX of Truvada/Sustiva Started.
4/5/07    321     27      Undectable 1st mo.  
5/16/07  383     28    Undectable 2nd mo.
8/10/07  422     32   UD <48 on new scale!

Offline NycJoe

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  • Posts: 236
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #73 on: February 03, 2007, 12:40:26 PM »
HELL YES I would go back!  Are you kidding?  The worries about health insurance and co-pays, taking meds on time, having to disclose to certain people and not others such as my parents so as not to make them worry about me in their later years, the fatigue that I get and the constant worries about numbers and viral load.  I try to live my life as stress free as possible and this is a stress that if I could go back and change it all...HELL YES!  Do I think it has made me a better person?  I don't know I think I was a pretty good person to begin with who just made a poor choice.  I posed this question to a few hiv friends and they all said the same thing..FUCK YES they would go back..but alas all one can do is make the best of whats been dealt to them.  But no..none of us are grateful or feel some spiritual awakening.  If I said that I would be lying to myself to make myself feel better.  Just a personal opinion.

Offline GSOgymrat

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  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #74 on: February 03, 2007, 04:48:24 PM »
I don't think HIV has made me a better person or given me spiritual insight. However I don't relate to a lot of people on here who divide their life into pre and post HIV. I'm still the same person and my life has not dramatically changed, other than my medical expenses.

Offline lydgate

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #75 on: February 03, 2007, 11:57:33 PM »
Yes. I would like to go back to August 22, 2005.

I like reading historical "counterfactual" books -- basically, "What if X had happened rather than Y?" A recent example of a counterfactual novel is Philip Roth's The Plot Against America, in which Charles Lindbergh is president through WWII rather than FDR.

I have a personal narrative of "What if that drunken, stupid fuck hadn't happened?" It's not all wine and roses, oh no, but it does have a better life for the main character than the present one.

And I certainly wish I hadn't bought the guy breakfast.

Also: Most of my friends' reactions to The News has been great. But two of them told me, a little bit later, that I wouldn't have gotten infected unless I wanted it. I'm all for accepting personal responsibility for my actions. But what they were saying was that I was, on some level, a bug-chaser. I hate it when people assume that.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2007, 12:05:49 AM by lydgate »
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #76 on: February 04, 2007, 01:03:38 AM »
No.  I will only go forward and I will take whatever comes at me.

Drew

Offline Seven

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #77 on: February 04, 2007, 01:10:30 AM »
Go back to the only ONE TIME we didn't use a condom....if we did, I wouldn't have AIDS now!  :-\

Offline lucas

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #78 on: February 04, 2007, 02:13:35 AM »
well there would be so many things that I would like to go back in time to prevent from happening but  the first thing I would want to erase is that first human that contracted the virus. It will save much more than just me.

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #79 on: February 04, 2007, 03:42:07 AM »
It would be nice to be able to go back to the time prior to infection, but obviously that is not going to happen. They have been many times throughout these past twenty plus years that, that thought has crossed my mind. It is too dangerous to reflect on the "what-if's"

But I would rather live in  the present and strive for the future. I need to be able to insure that I have a supply of meds, proper health care, and that I can do everything, that I reasonably can to keep myself healthy, and to be able to do my part, in this epidemic.

Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 6/4/14,  t-cells are at 423, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 13% 

  
 62 years young.

Offline alisenjafi

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #80 on: February 04, 2007, 12:45:11 PM »
Well does that mean knowing what I know now? I made a stupid mistake once, does this mean making it again? Personally i rather go back to the day before the mega millions lottery wasn't won! Everything would probably just have played out the same.
"You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does"
The Smiths

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #81 on: February 04, 2007, 04:13:26 PM »
I know this isn't what you asked but if I went back to the time I became infected I'd be in my 20s again.  If I were allowed the knowledge I have gained since contracting HIV the answer is a definite yes, I'd go back and change the outcome.  But that's fantasy and I prefer the cold hard facts of life. 

I'd rather not have HIV but there's nothing I can do now so it just is.  "What if" is purely hypothetical and hypotheses can go every which way.  Given my existence with HIV I probably would not change the past.  None of us can ever know how our lives would have played out so I might still be a 3 pack a day smoker who drank excessively (if not already dead).   

I think my main reaction to the question is ambivalence.  I really don't know.

Boo
String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #82 on: February 04, 2007, 04:26:05 PM »
Alot of my mentors have instructed me to stay out of this past as it has little to do with what is and what is now.   I would rather jump forward 7-10 years and see the vacs apear and that we all could rest easy knowing that hiv/aids has finally been put down.   In the present, I don't want to give this so much power that when I look back at it,  I will see how I missed out on "that now".  :)

Offline marc11864

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #83 on: February 04, 2007, 04:47:47 PM »
...the first thing I would want to erase is that first human that contracted the virus. It will save much more than just me.

It is my understanding that a similar virus was contracted and mutated over time so to pinpoint an individual would be impossible as mutations of this kind do not usually occur in an individual but over an arc of them.

The exception to the above rule of course is Blinky!  ;D

Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline zeb

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #84 on: February 04, 2007, 04:59:13 PM »
Yes, i'd go back and I'd make another choice.

Offline Basquo

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #85 on: February 04, 2007, 05:46:20 PM »
No.  The circumstance that put me at risk was the same one that made me step out of my comfort zone and find a new, very rewarding career. And because of that same circumstance, I now have friends all over the world.  And I love you all very much...well, most of you, anyway. If going back means losing all of you, I'd prefer to stay.

Offline wellington

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  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #86 on: February 05, 2007, 10:16:04 AM »
I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of diagnosis. The most honest answer I can give is "I'm not sure". However, I think that I'm leaning in the direction os saying "No. I wouldn't want to go back because, in all liklihood, I'd be setting myself up for repeating he same events that led to my becoming positive." I'm not pleased that I have contracted this infection; am I a better person in terms of my outlook on things today? It's an important reflexive discussion, to be sure. Thanks for raising this awareness, Win.

Offline joyluckclub

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #87 on: February 05, 2007, 05:58:10 PM »
Well, I really can't answer that question.   Because of past experiences (tension filled childhood, death of mother at 5, bipolar disorder, exhaustingly difficult teaching career), I was growing more conservative, very angry, and depressed.

That all changed when I found out I was HIV+

I always practiced safe sex, have never taken drugs, and managed my responsibilities.  Then I realized, sex, in any form is not safe;  hence the words SAFER sex.  After 8 months, I still can't pinpoint how I contracted the virus.

I may be arrogant in saying this, but I think I have a lot more to offer the world now that I have been humbled.  I am no different that any body else, regardless of "how well" I've done adapting to life.


Because I am a professional student, I go to the same free clinic everyone else does.  Surprisingly, I think the free clinic run by our local hospital (Parkland) is nicer than a regular doctors office!

Though I have volunteered my time, effort, and funds to causes for HIV/AIDS, I never thought I would  "get it"!

I am much more compassionate, empathetic, and understanding of people who have to struggle to survive everyday.

Though I had a life that was difficult at best, I was still blessed with many things, people, and opportunities others did not have.

I believed that since I worked hard and could delay gratification, it was insured that I would be wealthy and have a happy life.

I know that my "thoughts" did not relate to reality.

I now go by the mantra "one day at a time"

This is just my long story...........


Love you all!
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline RapidRod

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #88 on: February 05, 2007, 06:54:21 PM »
Joy, Parkland does have a nice clinic.

Offline carousel

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #89 on: February 06, 2007, 03:38:14 PM »
.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 09:20:35 AM by carousel »

Offline lydgate

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #90 on: February 06, 2007, 07:01:31 PM »


Well, had I known, I would have worn a different outfit for the occasion.
And that outfit would have been?

I was wearing jeans and a white tshirt, very basic. (Wait... by 3 am I wan't wearing anything.) Maybe if I'd worn a suit...
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline carousel

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #91 on: February 07, 2007, 09:09:07 AM »
.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 09:19:13 AM by carousel »

Offline Jeff64

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #92 on: February 07, 2007, 10:03:02 PM »
I would have bought condoms. :-\

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #93 on: February 07, 2007, 10:10:59 PM »
I would not be seduced by young men with no clothes on, but rather stick with trusted water based tunes instead.


Offline fondeveau

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Re: If you were able to go back to the day before your infection, would you?
« Reply #94 on: February 10, 2007, 08:00:25 AM »
Its hard to resist young men with no clothes on.  If God had wanted you to resist, why did He make them taste so damned good?

 


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