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I'm new and here's my story.

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funkaholic:
Let me start by saying I just turned 21 a few days ago, I'm also a gay male.

My story begins in January of this year when I met up with a guy online. We had been talking for a few days and we decided to play around. We started the night by drinking and then began fooling around. At first it was just kissing and then oral, but then he started asking if I wanted to have sex. I didn't want to, but after he kept prodding, I finally relented. I asked him if he had a condom and he said that there was no need for it, as he had just been tested about a month prior to our meeting. Of course normally (I had hooked up in the past) I would have said no, but I think being under the influence hampered my judgment and we had sex.

We talked after and I asked him over and over again if he was HIV- (I really was freaked out about it) and he assured me that he was. I had been tested in the summer of '05 (AIDS Awareness Day or whatever it was called offered free testing) and had not had anal with anyone up until we hooked up. I don't know why, but I believed him and went about my life.

Well this week I realized that it had been a while since I got tested and really thought I had to get in. I wasn't worried because I had NOT been with another guy since that meeting (which was about 6 months ago. I head down to the clinic, get tested and they call me in. I really didn't expect anything, but they told me I was HIV+. I wanted to die right there, I was completely surprised by what the guy had said. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut, I literally got sick and had to go into the bathroom. That was a few days ago (Monday) and I've not told anyone. And I've not told anyone because I'm not out of the closet yet and I don't know what to do. Instead of coming clean with my sexuality, now I need to come clean with my diagnosis and I'm scared beyond belief. I don't know what to do, part of me wants to keep it a secret for the rest of my life, but I know I can't do that. I know coming clean with being HIV+ will most likely mean I have to come clean with being gay and I know my life will change forever. But I guess this is what I get for making such a stupid mistake, right?

I need help because I honestly don't know what to do. I want to tell them, but need to know how. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to get some more tests done, but I also need my mother's help and getting that help means I come clean.

Can anyone give me an idea on what to do? How to tell them and how I can do it without completely throwing them for a loop? The worst thing I can do, on top of all of this, is to hurt my mom.

Thanks!

Cliff:
I'm sorry about your diagnosis.  It will take a while for things to settle-down/sink in, so try not to be in a rush to do too much at once.  You'll have plenty of time to tell people, so make sure you are completely ready to have those discussions before you do (cause once you've opened up about it, you can't take it back). 

Did the place you were diagnose have a counseling center?  You should probably look into getting some counseling to help you sort out your feelings and thoughts.  Group sessions are also good.  Hopefully that place can also assist in locating a doctor for you, so that you can begin the tests necessary to determine where your diagnosis stands.  It sounds as though you were recently infected, so meds are probably a long ways off.  But this can only be confirmed with the other lab reports you will need to have done (and continue to have done periodically).

You've come to a great place.  You can bounce your ideas, thoughts, concerns and fears off those who have been there before (and are still there).  You're not alone.

Cliff

P.S.- If you feel comfortable with stating your location (city), someone is bound to have some suggestions on locations (counseling and support) and perhaps even doctors.

Jeffreyj:
Hi And welcome to community! you have taken a big step just by telling us your story. Thanks for sharing it with us. I wish you well. First, know that hiv is a manageable disease. I would first point out that beating your self up for being "stupid" is waisted energy. Yeah you made a mistake, but you were lied to. What's done is done. No use in beating a dead horse, it only makes matters worse.
    I found out I was POZ in 1984. I was engaged to be married. I had to tell my soon to be wife. We talked about it and decided to tell my Mom. We kept it secret from all of her family and mine too, except my Mom. We told a shrink too. That was our support group for 15 years. I think you may want to form a support group to help you out. It is a complex and stressful thing you are faced with. I found that support an absolute necessity and helped me get through a tough time. Back in the 80's everyone just kept telling us we were going to die. Happily that is no longer the case

As far as telling your Mom, you can not  be responsible for hurting her. She needs to know if you want to tell her. But don't NOT tell her because you are worried about hurting her. It is up to her to deal with it in her way. Let the chips fall where they may....they will fall anyway and some things are simply out of your control.
There are some great people on this site. I have been a member for a month now and it is one of the best things I've ever done.I hope you will find the same to be true.
Be Strong. Be Brave. You are a brave man for taking the important step in sharing your story with all of us. Thanks for that! I wish you well!
Lots of Love,
Jeff

JohnOso:
Funk,

First, take a deep breath in and EXHALE.  Do it again if you need to.  You are being bombarded with a lot of stuff all at once here, unfortunately.  I am sorry that you are having to go through all this.  I don't know where you are...if you are in the US, then check out this website:

http://www.thebody.com/hotlines.htmlhttp://

Are you out to friends or any other family member?  Consider letting a trustworthy person know what's going on with you.  You need people on your side -- you can't go through this alone, especially at the beginning.  Your life is not over.  You are 21 years old and you're going to make it through this. 

But you need help.  Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone over a telephone first.  They will help you with what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane.

And we are here too.  Okay?

John

Markmt:
Hi funkA, I do not have much more advise to add with what has already been stated above. I  welcome you to the forum and do not feel alone, you are  dealing with lots of issues at the moment hopefully you will find the courage and help you need here to sort them all out and pull you through smoothly. These forums through the many various experiences and wonderful people here have been an inspiration and encouragement for many. I have no doubt the same will be for you. Looking forward to read more of you,

Hugs,

mark

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