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having a hard time dealing with everything!!!

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I have tested pos for HIV and talked to my partner about it.  He is a wonderful person and is very understanding and swears he will stand by me, however his reaction to his own health is very disturbing and hurtful.  He has not been tested yet and I am not sure he wants to know.  He tells me that we should just assume that he is pos.  If he does get tested and comes up pos he has made it quite clear that he will not take medications and will not live his life on pills and side affects.  He doesn't want to spend the extra money on the meds and care and would rather use that money to live a happier life while he can.  This attitude scares me, I do not want to go through life without him because he was too stubborn to take care of his health.  I understand he is probably just scared and uninformed but he is a very stubborn person.

I made my follow up appointment, I am assuming for more testing and to get my blood counts, and asked that my partner accompany me.  I am hoping that the doc will give us/him more insight and information about all this and ease his mind about the treatment.  This is only one of the million things that have been on my mind, I feel like I am going crazy!  I can't tell you how many times I broke down in a silent sob at my work because of my thoughts running out of control.  Is there anyone else that felt the way he does about their status?  has this attitude changed?  if so what made you change your mind?  What can I do to change his mind?  He says it's "his choice" but I disagree, he has more now to think about than just himself, he has me and family!

Ok I am going to end this before I start rambling, I have way too much going through my head right now!  Thanks for listening.

Evening itsallionman -

If if helps at all, you have lots of company and I am really glad you are willing to let us know whats on your mind and sharing it.  I tend to be someone who keeps everything bottled up and realize that when I let it go I always feel better - so I hope you'll always do the same here.

When I first learned I was positive last fall, I was expecting that news and it wasn't until later when I was laying in bed at the hospital that my thoughts started to overwhelm me.  My mind was racing from one thought to the next over and over like a broken machine and I had never experienced that before.  I found I wasn't really all that afraid I might die soon as much as I worried about all the things like the impact on my family, who would take care of my dog, and so on.

As most people I have heard here confirm, it's something everyone goes through and then it usually starts to get better.  Sometimes more quickly for some then others.  I hope you and your partner will come to see that and that he will also learn that there is much value in knowing his status for sure.

If he is negative - what a great thing.  If he is not, then he may or may not need meds now or even in the future and who knows what science will do in the future to attack and tame this awful beast of HIV/AIDS.  So maybe he will want to be around for longer then he realizes today.

I wish you all the best and keep on posting and sharing - I am sure others who have much more experience then I do can add even more.


It may come accross a little harsh but the truth is the truth and any variation of the truth is a LIE. Due to this unfortunate circumstance, it has triggered a lot of unwarrented thoughts inside of your mind. Worrying in a constant state is not going to change what has happened. The BEST thing that you can do is to address what IS and do what IS necessary in order to take care of your health. As far as your BF is concerned, there is a lot of hidden fear that he has not shared with you nor have you shared your hidden fears just as well. It is important to solidify an effective support system to accept, understand, and communicate honestly with each other.

Hi Its, my name is Eldon and I am also HIV positive. You are not alone with this unfortunate circumstance that has taken place in your life. Communication is key.

Here you will find acceptance, understanding, communication, support, some cries, some laughter and much more. This site is infused with a lot of good information in order to HELP you with any questions that you may have on HIV/AIDS.

From my personal experience here, this is a great group of individuals who will listen as we as answer back to you. I have learned so much more by being here with my interaction with the others.

A few suggestions to HELP you on your Journey:

1. A Positive Mental Attitude
2. A Good Exercise Routine
3. A Good Balanced Diet
4. A Good Strong Support System

Feel free to browse through the many variations of topics here and also share with what is on your mind.

Welcome to our community.

As far as meds go there are programs that will allow you to gets for free. I live in Indiana and thought the same thing. The meds would exceed my total income. My care person told me that there are programs that will provide meds and any other medical needs I have free of charge. Depends on your income. I make less then 29,000 a year and would have to go to a "part time" status to show that I have no insurance even though I could remain working almost full time hours in order to get help that I need. Not something I want to do but I have no other choices if I want to stay healthy. I have decided to work with young people and help them through their rough times dealing with hiv and being gay. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also have a very strong belief and faith in GOD and have put this whole thing in his hands because it is way to big for me to handle. Finding out about my status has opened up an entire new outlook on life for me. I dont know why but the little problems that used to stress me out just dont seem all that important any more. I KNOW I AM GOING TO BE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Have faith in GOD and move foward. Read footprints in the sand it helps me. Wish you all the best and God Bless.

ITSTALLIONMAN---I can sure relate on a lot of levels what you are going through.  Relationship issues really compound the stress of an already stressful time.  Whoosh!!!!!!!!!!  Somedays I am just trying to breathe enough to keep going.

I will share what has been helping, at least for me:  Like Indyguy said, faith in God.  For me that means turning over (and over, and over) what I have no control over, which includes anyone elses feelings, behavior, thoughts.  Just have to let this go, as scary as it is.  I work out every day.  This really helps me deal with stress and I am doing something pro-active not just for my health but to keep a positive attitude about myself.  Staying focused in the moment.  This means constantly re-focusing my mind on the present and not dwelling on the past or future.  Letting go of the what-ifs and if-onlys and accepting what is.  That is a damn hard one.  Stay connected to my support system.  I found I fell down here putting all my emotional eggs in one basket so to speak, only to have that basket turned upside down. 

You will get through this.  It takes courage and wisdom and it takes other people to be there for us.

Best,   Rick


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