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Author Topic: My new diagnosis: PORN ENVY  (Read 791 times)

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Offline Amosboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 156
  • Music is the panacea.
My new diagnosis: PORN ENVY
« on: January 17, 2007, 12:51:01 AM »
I have made some staggering discoveries about myself over the past month or so.  I have finally made peace with the fact that I have PORN ENVY.  And yes...I came up with the word and decided on the definition, based on my life long affliction with it.  Let's see if I can first come up with a quick and concise definition.  Of course, I will elaborate through my own personal story in greater detail afterwards.

PORN ENVY (n.) : (1) A condition that consists of mild to moderate jealous feelings of others who can separate sex from emotion.  (2) Feelings of inadequacy that revolve around an inability to perform sexual acts void of an emotional connection without guilt or regret.

With that being said, let me first say that I enjoy porn.  Mostly, I enjoy it when I view it by myself.  It's a fun and quick vehicle for relieving stress.  In a world that eagerly shoves loads of stress in your lap, it's nice to pop in a DVD and pop a load.  [insert shameless plug for Ardon Master's new flick  :-*].  So, you are wondering, "Where is the PORN ENVY in this?"  This guy loves a hot man-on(in)-man fantasy.  Maybe that's just it.  It's never been more than a fantasy for me.  A purely carnal exchange, just for sake of a rockin' orgasm, has barely been a part of my repertoire.  Let me explain.

Right out of the closet in UNC-Chapel Hill at the ripe age of nineteen (19), I discovered the joys of hot sex with a man.  My first boyfriend, as a matter of fact, gave me the gift that keeps on giving, as I like to affectionately term it now.  In 1986, before protease inhibitors or widespread education about the "how's and why's" of transmission, I found out as a result of a routine blood test when I was giving plasma to supplement my budding addiction to music.  Those of you who know me, know that I still suffer from it more than ever and the only remedy or relief for me is to spread my beats around the world  :D.  I may address the truly and sincerely "positives" to being HIV positive in another thread, as they do exist for me by way of dropping unnecessary baggage and appreciating the moments of joy that you are given.  But, perhaps, more on that subject later.  Let's get back to the PORN ENVY.

From the moment I found out about my HIV status, I felt like damaged goods.  Imagine if you will being a nineteen year old raging hormone with the crippling knowledge that my cock could produce Kryptonite and there were all of these gorgeous Supermen around me.  Hence, the PORN ENVY began.  My friends were all enjoying their big, beautiful erections like a bunch of Satyrs dancing around a bonfire, gleefully drinking wine, laughing outloud, and engaging in debauched sensual activity.  I, on the other hand, was wondering if I would ever be able to feel another man's haunches grip my tempermental "not so magic" wand again.  It was quite maddening to live under the burden of such knowledge, especially given the ripeness of my fruit.  Masturbation set in and became a normalized and psychologically acceptable version of real sex for me.

For many years, ten (10) to be exact, I lived in darkness about my HIV status, not even seeking the care of a healthcare professional.  Natural remedies, a myriad of spiritual paths, and a handful of two or three year relationships ensued and evolved into a better place for intimate, sensual exchanges.  Granted, I kept everything "safe but silent" and that only led to substandard, and rarely climactic end results.  All the while, my sexuality and need for physical intimacy grew far beyond my reality.  I became a walking, breathing contradiction, an insatiable flirt and cock tease that wouldn't deliver the package, so to speak.  If pulling my cock out for show and tell meant sex, then I would definitely be considered a true, red hot, whore from HELL.  Meanwhile, I wasn't getting any real action.  I was just setting myself up for disappointment.

Just before the beginning of my eleventh (11) year of being HIV positive, I basically had a big, good old-fashioned drunk.  The day after was a living nightmare, full of guilt for putting my body through the wringer.  I snapped, out of pure hangover desperation, abruptly quick my job, packed my shit and came out about my HIV status to my parents, after ten (10) years of self-imposed purgatory and silence.  Mind you, I had kept this hidden from everyone.  The only person who knew was my "ex-lover" and he was less than understanding, after I had broken it off with him, for fear of his own truth being exposed.

More PORN ENVY continued, as I continued to identify sex as something potentially dangerous to potential partners.  How I wish I could just stick my cock into someone without feeling like my soul was in some sort of spiritual jeopardy.  More masturbation, more below average sexual experiences, and more PORN ENVY grew, as I watched the men on the TV screens moan and groan and shoot their wads from here to China.  My friends continued to screw like rabbits and I continued to be a tease.  I was always a whore at heart and I felt like I somehow got a raw deal...now there's a double entendre for you.  [insert giggle or gasp as you see fit] 

I did finally get comfortable with the process of HIV disclosure, though I had to challenge my fear of rejection everytime.  I did meet a man and have been in a relationship for ten (10) years.  Sex is good, but I will always feel periods of PORN ENVY, of times that were taken away from me.  I will occasionally feel little twinges of  curiosity about "guilt free", rockin' orgasms and find myself popping in a DVD for a little playtime, where I can be as raunchy, hard, and wild as I could have been.  Mr. Masters, I look forward to the release of your DVD, perhaps I can use it in my PORN ENVY therapy sessions  ;)

My advice to you all:  Enjoy every part of your life: the good, the bad, the real, the fantasy, and if you can, do it with a rockin' orgasm!

Brooks

« Last Edit: January 17, 2007, 10:34:42 AM by Amosboy »
"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,381
Re: My new diagnosis: PORN ENVY
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2007, 07:30:30 AM »
Thanks for that powerful history of you and porn envy, Brooks. I couldn't help but flinch when I read about how and when you became infected and the lengthy period of isolation you have lived through.

I'm glad you told us about it and that you have a partner now with whom you share your life.

I guess a part of us always misses or longs for what we missed or what might have been. Even though I also think that past looks much more terrific from inside our heads than it may actually have been. In any case, we do have today for which I have to say I'm grateful.

Cheers,

 

 
Andy Velez

Offline indyguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Hoosier Boy Single Again.
Re: My new diagnosis: PORN ENVY
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2007, 08:45:42 AM »
This was a help to me. Six months ago I was neg. I took another test just because I knew I was neg but supprise I was poz. Knowing that you have lived with this for 11 years without treatment tells me that catching this early meens abetter chance that I will have a long life. I am not saying that people sould not seek treatment just that the ones that have been in denile still have a chance to live. The hardest part of this is they way healthcare people treat me. My old school doctor who I am replacing hung up on me and treated me as if I meant for this to happen. Just the look on his face when I told him I was gay made me feel like shit. I have friends that are poz that have been the best thing that happened to me during this. I guess because I was always there for them that the shoe is on the other foot now. Wish you the best on you and your boyfriends future.
Meds doing well so far.

 


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