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i just want to vent a bit...

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well, tomorrow i go to see my doctor for my tri-monthly check up. last time i was there in october i was undetectable and my cd4 was up to 200 from 120 when first diagnosed april/06.
i dont know why,but i'm kinda nervous/afraid. i havent gotten sick at all,and to tell you guys the truth,if it wasnt for my blood results,i'd never know that i have this virus living inside me.
i guess i'm afraid,cause i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. i keep thinking that i have it pretty easy when it comes to this disease. i had no side effects from meds,and i've never been sick. dont get me wrong ,i'm eternally grateful for that.
i guess being still a newly wed,and having a HEALTHY,BEAUTIFUL baby boy,i keep thinking of my own mortality.
last night i had a rough nite.i woke up at i laid in bed with my wife (she was sound asleep) i kept thinking of myself in the hospital,dying,not being able to
see my son grow up. i dont know why, but,thoughts of me laying in a coffin kept popping into my head. i'm sorry if i sound whacked. i really am not.(maybe it was the sustiva)but i had to litterally shake it off and snap myself out of these morbid thoughts.I keep getting assured thru this forum and my doctor that i will still have a normal life span.
i dont know,maybe its cause i'm going to the doctor i said,i'm a bit anxiuos. i'm generally in good spririts about this whole thing,but i just have my moments. i'm sorry i'm venting,but ,part of me doesnt want to vent to my wife cause i want to be strong for her. i dont want her to see me scared. not that she hasnt,we both have cried alot when we first found out,but i dont want her to think i havent gotten any better,cause i have.but like last nite,, i have my moments.
again,i'm sorry for babbling.i just wanted to vent a bit.

This is a great place to vent--and no apologies.  We are here for each other and we all will take our turns.

I had spent New Year's Eve alone and contemplating a lot of the same things you mentioned.  I've only been diagnosed less than a month ago.  I came to a couple of conclusions that night:  I cant learn to be fully alive until I am willing to face my own death.  I did not learn this lesson on my own.  My best friend has brain cancer and has just a couple of months left now.  We talked on Christmas and he told me this is his last Christmas.  He has taught me a helluva lot in the past year since he was first diagnosed (he is hiv neg. BTW) but it is as much about living as it has been about dying.  Second thing I decided is learning to live with hiv is teaching me about learning to live, period.

Don't deny your wife the opportunity to be strong for you and to be the pillar that you lean on from time to time.  It will bring you closer together.  That is what I have found out.

Best to you,   Rick


I just want to say you have now and there is no reason, with meds and caring for yourself, that you won't have many, many tomorrows as well.  I have been poz since '04 and it is still taking me some time to realize I am not going anywhere... well there is doubt and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my worries and Sustiva paranoia as well.  Use your mortality graciously and thankfully for what you have- a newly wed and a beautiful baby boy and YOUR life!  When you feel that coffin, think about love, for yourself and your family and float in that light.  You deserve that!


Hey Guy,

Mortality is an issue for all of us, and I kinda tend not to believe people when they say they don't think about HIV anymore, and that they are just living their lives. I guess it is because it is so recent for me. Anyway, I think your feelings are normal,  especially since you have a child. But what is reassuring is that yes, we have a shot of having a normal life. The team where I get treated say that 99% of the people they are treating are doing well, and that most of the severe problems in treatment have been in people who don't follow the dosage guidelines, drug/alcohol abuse, superinfection, coinfection with other pathogens, or other non AIDS related conditions. I don't know if they are blowin' smoke up my tush, but from the postings here, they seem to be right. Anyway, I hope this helps and that your labs are great.


Good luck with your labs man. My next set comes at the end of the month. Feel free to vent anytime. I think the same stuff. I was at an awards banquet recently and my mind was wondering away thinking what this group would be like without me there if I died and I had to snap myself out of it. I'm nearly exactly like you, on meds, feeling very healthy but the fear of the unknown is definitely there. Hang in there.


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