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Author Topic: Sex no longer desirable  (Read 3528 times)

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Offline Ihavehope

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,366
  • Yes, I'm a cry baby, AND WHAT?
Sex no longer desirable
« on: January 03, 2007, 03:19:33 PM »
I was tested positive not too long ago but to be honest I don't see myself every having sex again with anyone. I feel like I screwed up so badly that the desire is no longer there. It is not even a phase or punishment but the desire is not there and I completely lost interest in men. I no longer associate men with sex but at times. I am not trying to offend anyone but I feel naucious when I see anything gay on TV or a gay person even though I am gay.
Infected: April 2005
12/6/06 - Diagnosed HIV positive
12/19/06 - CD4 = 240  22% VL = 26,300
1/4/07 - CD4 = 200 16% VL = ?
2/9/07 = Started Kaletra/Truvada
3/13/07 = CD4 = 386 22% VL ?

Offline ACinKC

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  • Bring it VIRUS! #2 Ranked In-crowd Member!
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2007, 03:57:31 PM »
This too shall pass......
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,105
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2007, 04:13:35 PM »
Well, Having been through this myself, I will try to give you an opinion on what you are saying. You will always be HIV positive, true.  False: you will always feel dirty because of it. It probably is not good for you to feel this way because it can only cause you more pain and more depression. 
A lot of people, after they are diagnosed, create a new attitude or approach to sex for themselves.  Its rather like "growing up" and becoming more conservative and more cautious about what you do sexually so as to not cause yourself or others any harm.  Feeling responsible and taking responsibility is a good thing.  Feeling dirty is not a good thing in my book.
If you continue to feel this way and are bothered by it, I would seek counseling or join a support group.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline racingmind

  • Member
  • Posts: 236
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2007, 04:18:35 PM »
I was feeling exactly the same way not too long ago....the desire eventually returned, and I have to say that it actually made me feel "normal" again.  And I felt even better after having sex....learning to live with this disease is half the battle.  As soon as it doesn't occupy your every waking thought, you will start to feel better and all of the things that were important to you before being diagnosed will start to gradually be important again  (including sex, which is pretty much a basic need and important to everyone within a certain age range). 

Hang in there.....
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2007, 05:26:14 PM »
It's good that you've spoken up about where you are at. You don't have to sit isolated with those feelings.

And they are just that -- feelings. And not facts. Give yourself some time. Gradually I think you'll find that what seems fixed and absolute now will change eventually. If you're not sexually inclined right now then don't force yourself into being active if you don't feel it. Just work on staying in contact with people in general and see how things go.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Andy Velez

Offline JPinLA

  • Member
  • Posts: 148
  • Cheers!
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2007, 06:22:14 PM »
Hey there -

I know and am experiencing a lot of what you are feeling right now regarding sex.  I was diagnosed Nov 28 2006 and I have not been feeling especially sexy these days.  I have a wonderful partner of going on 10 years (who is thus far negative).  We have had sex exactly twice since my diagnosis and it was not quite as passionate for me as before.  I mean, after 10 years sure a little of the magic dissipates but this is REALLY ridiculous.  In any case I've been thinking a lot about it and it is definitely me getting wrapped up in my own head andholding myself back.  My partner is incredibly understanding and assures me that when I am ready he will be too.

I have felt dirty since my diagnosis.  Filthy, ashamed and terribly unsexy. I am just now starting to accept HIV as part of my life, including my sex life, and am beginning to feel a little more randy these days.  I am still nervous though since my partner is negative I am SO paranoid about infecting him.  Of course we are practicing sex safely now (in the past not so much  :-[ ) but it is still right there in my face.  Hard to feel like having sex when you feel that way. 

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough.  I wanted to thank you for bringing this up since I was feeling a Little trepidacious about talking to anyone about it (including my partner).  I completely understand why you feel this way and I can only say that it gets a little better everyday (at least in my short experience) and I have resound faith that time will help all of this one way or another.

I will try to never take for granted my constantly changing heart/head/emotions and I am learning (slowly)to take my time and let myself feel the things I feel in the moment and not make life decisions too quickly.

Good luck and love to you...


11/06 - Diagnosed - VL/5784 & CD4 326
2/07 - VL/6000 & CD4 290 2/07
3//07 -Began Truvada/Viramune 
4/07 VL/undetectable and CD4 320 22%
7/07 VL/undetectable and CD4 286 22%
11/07 VL/undetectable and CD4 302 26%

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2007, 06:30:38 PM »
I think that you already have posts which may bring you back to square one on this.  We also had a recent post by someone who also felt as you did and the posts in that thread may also help.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Iggy

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  • Posts: 2,434
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2007, 09:56:39 PM »

« Last Edit: January 09, 2007, 11:49:12 PM by Iggy »

Offline marco23

  • Member
  • Posts: 392
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2007, 10:23:27 PM »
we've all been there......it will pass, even though it doesn't seem like it right now....it will...trust me..trust everyone else here...if not - then - phewy...[TO HELL WITH ALL MEN. EVIL BITCHES FROM HELL!
There you go babe, it's all over now.  ;)   :D
« Last Edit: January 03, 2007, 10:38:38 PM by marco23 »
Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2007, 11:58:21 PM »
Does that rule out masturbation?


Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,119
  • HIV+ since 1993. Relentlessly gay.
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2007, 02:56:27 AM »
If you don't feel like having sex don't stress about it. You have other things to process right now. Put sex on the back burner.

Offline Dragonette

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    • NotPerfectAtAll
A woman's POV
« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2007, 04:27:56 PM »
Hi there,

Well after I was diagnosed a year ago I not only didn't think about Sex, I couldn't stand to look at anything depicting any kind of romantic emotion or even just plain wholesome happiness! Everything was rubbing in my "untouchability" and reclusive, infinite (read: suicidal) misery. TV, movies, commercials, magazines, clothes shop display, vacation brochures, music videos... if it didn't have some kind of sexual image, it had some romantic theme, and if it didn't have love, it had oblivious people happily living their lives, with the potential of love... happy families rolling in the sand, mum and dad enamoured with each other still... you know these images are designed to work on our innermost instincts.
I might be giving "too much information", but in the weeks following my diagnosis I even forced myself to masturbate a few times, and it bloody hurt! (not physicially, right).

I don't know how long you have known about your positivity but keep in mind that this is normal... And that you are undegoing immense shock and pain (I am still there mind you but with some perspective), not unlike shell shock. The SEX thing is so complicated... sex after all transmits HIV, HIV+ people are "not sexy" (and it's such a relief to disarm this stereotype), HIV is a punishment for some kind of "wrong" sex, etc etc. Never mind that you got HIV from a certain Mr X, you torment yourself over Mr Y, Z, and XXX as well.... These are all ways in which your stunned mind tries to make sense of reality, but eventually you will come into your own, no pun intended. It might require support whether from a community or a professional or both, but I hope you will realize that you deserve to enjoy your sexuality, as well as any other life aspects. Gosh I sound like a self help manual, but all from hands-on experience....

Try to talk to other positive (gay) men and maybe even date some if you can (oh how I wished that I were a gay man, at the time)... don't push yourself but go out there and meet people, whether online or in real life, and not just "for sex". Trust me that when new kind exciting people will enter your consciousness so will your libido awaken. At least that's what happened to me... not that I had sex with everyone I talked to (perhaps that's why most of these connections with straight poz men via personal ads evaporated, still at the time they were incredibely valuable and helpful)... but eventually I did with one positive guy, who was not my "Mr Right" but at least put me back on the sexual track, and shortly afterwards I fell in love big time with a delicious negative guy and I still am, and all this took place only about 7 months ago!

In short, the human brain is a wonderful flexible organ. It could well be that you can't percieve yourself RIGHT NOW as sexy or sexual, and you will change in many ways, but don't give up on your sexuality yet... mine is better than it's ever been. I don't see a reason why yours will not reawaken with a vengence.

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2007, 04:37:06 PM »
I was tested positive not too long ago but to be honest I don't see myself every having sex again with anyone.


This early in the game you have a lot to digest. Whatever you are feeling at this moment is valid. NO one can predict the future. Try to be patient with yourself.




Offline SouthSam7

  • Member
  • Posts: 428
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2007, 07:41:26 PM »
Hey I've been there!  I'm still actually going through that.  I swear it will get normal again for you; it may take a little longer than the experts or your doctor tells you, though. 

I felt exactly the same way about a year ago.  I had my hormones checked and all that.  They were normal.  It was probably depression but now a year later I have healthy sexual feelings again.  I work out about 3 or 4 times a week and get normal amounts of sleep.  That really helps. 

See your doctor, let them check your testosterone and thyroid.  Get out there and exercise.  I know you feel repulsed by the thought of sex but I promise you if you keep on top of it with working out and doing the things you've always enjoyed, you WILL feel like your old self again. 



  • Guest
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2007, 08:07:14 AM »
me too.  been there.   what i did was focus on other things that got nothing to do with sex and with time the desire will creep back.  u have to get to like yourself again before u can like another person in that way.. i think

Offline koi1

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  • Posts: 713
Re: Sex no longer desirable
« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2007, 07:20:19 PM »
Ya know what,

I don't feel much like sex either. I guess in the hierarchy of needs it is pretty much down on the list. I think it is also that I don't feel desirable because I have lost 30 pounds and feel so puny. A lot of it is in my head. Because I dated this guy who found it a turn on that I do not have one ounce of fat on me. Go figure, I still don't find myself attractive at this weight and am forcing myself to eat to regain or at least maintain my weight.
I know this too shall pass. The most important thing for me now is to feel a guy next to me and be able to hold him and have him comfort me. Not happening too often now, but it is by choice, since right now, all I can think of is getting better.

diagnosed on 11/20/06 viral load 23,000  cd4 97    8%
01/04/07 six weeks after diagnosis vl 53,000 cd4 cd4 70    6%
Began sustiva truvada 01/04/07
newest labs  drawn on 01/15/07  vl 1,100    cd4 119    7%
Drawn 02/10/07
cd4=160 viral load= 131 percentage= 8%
New labs 3/10/07 (two months on sustiva truvada
cd4 count 292  percentage 14 viral load undetectable


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