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I have butterflies in my stomach.....

This is my first posting. I would never think I would be here but life is funny and you take it as it comes.

I was diagnosed 12/12/06. I would never think I would end up this is way. So let tell you my story.

All my life I was careful. When I came out, safe sex was everywhere. So I was always careful. My first BF and I had great time in the 10 years we were together. We practiced safe sex and in 1996 I got my first HIV test and it came back negative. After we broke up, I was still careful. In 2005 I met an amazing person who opened my mind to the world. We went to France and he gave me a wedding band. We always practiced safe sex and in June 2006 I got my 10th HIV test and it came back negative. He too is negative. However it was to change.

I went to Germany in July 2006 and I acted stupid. Very stupid. I look back now and I actually felt more safer in New York than in Germany. When I got back (My BF didn't;t come with me. I went to there to see a friend)
I noticed a slight fever and that was it. I never had the flu so I didn't know what was it like. I went to get tested and it came back negative but my doctor said get tested in a few months, that it was too early to tell.

On Dec 12, 2006, I went to a clinic and my test came back positive. It felt like someone kicked my stomach and I was in shock! This came at a very bad time. I just went back to college and it was holidays. I had a final that night. I said to myself "How can I tell my BF??? He's going to kill me!" So you can imagine how I felt during my Anthropology test.  I was shaking. I even told my Psychology professor who happens to be a HIV Educator. He was so helpful. (Thank you God for putting him in my life!)

I got home and told my bf. He was in shocked. However, he said no matter what happens, he will always love me and be by my side. He said he married me through thick and thin. He got me health insurance and helped me pay for some bills. (WHAT A WONDEFUL MAN!!!)

So now I been going to GMHC and they have helped me out. I have been educating myself on this. I went back to school to study psychology (Lord only knows how our minds are so fragile and play a big role in our physical health!) so now I want to help people out dealing withmental  health issues especially HIV.

What frightens me the most are the meds and what they can do. I read horror stories and it gives me knots in my stomach. A doctor at Callen and Lord (where I got tested) looked at my blood work and said my VL is 8744 and my T cell count is 744 (I don;t know what that means. Anyone can help?) and she said I was healthy. I go back on Thursday and get a followup.

I am scared. Really scared but I know I must be strong. I pray each night before I go to bed and that helps me rest. I am watching my diet and started back into the gym ( I was once obese and lost nearly 100 pounds).   

I am glad I found this forum. I hope they find a cure. I know they will. I mean, if they clone meat for human consumption and it gets approval from FDA, they can find a cure.

I plan to be around for a long time and continue my studies. My old plans are still in effect!


I want to first let you know that this website will help you try to get adjusted the same way I am learning to get adjusted. I myself was tested positive 12/6/06 and felt like my world shut down. I had a suspicion and was in denial for about a year. The last time I got tested was 1/05 and it came negative, but since then I did stupid things that led me to get infected. In 4/06 I had a flu, like yourself, i never get the flu and that is where my first suspicion came. I ended up going to several doctors on 10/06 because I felt some chest pains and gastritis both doctors told me I was fine but the last doctor told me some white blood cells showed up in my urine. The first thing that came to mind was HIV, after 3 weeks of trying to build my courage to go get tested at Callen Lorde I made the appointment. I wanted to get it over with and have a good Christmas and celebrate that I was negative and promised myself I would never ever do the things I did again. Unfortunately things didn't work out the way I wanted them to.

All I can tell you is that you are not alone. And feeling guilty and depressed will make your mind and body sick. I been talking to several doctors who specialize in this and they claim that good treatment is out there for us and although many people do feel side effects it does keep us alive. Just know that if you ever need to talk to anyone I am here. BTW your CD4 counts looks very good, so I wouldn't worry too much about treatment now. Good luck papo.


Hey There--Welcome from another newbie!  I was diagnosed the day before you were.  I can sure relate to a lot that you say.  Wow!

First of all your T-cell count is really encouraging.  Mine is 560 and I was pretty happy it was so high.  I don't go in for my first appt. with my hiv specialist until January 22nd.  In the meantime my regular MD has been great.  My hiv Md had called me last week just to introduce herself and check up on how I was doing (who ever heard of a doc doing that for a new patient??) and she told me I most likely would not need to start meds now, given my current labs., so maybe you won't either.  Fortunately I am a very healthy guy otherwise and in great shape and am practiced at taking care of myself.  That all counts for the good.

Like you I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of the Love of my Life.  Fortunately I did not expose him.  (The reason I got tested in the first place was to be sure of my status prior to having unprotected sex.)  He has been like the Rock of Gibralter.  He told me his love is stronger than the hiv virus. He had asked me to marry him just a few weeks before I was diagnosed.  (Gay marriages are not legally recognized here but we decided we would rather have a religious ceremony anyway, and we wanted to take each other's names legally).  If anything this has brought us closer than ever before.  I have never been one to lean on anyone.  It feels really good to know someone is there and keeps coming through when I need that now.

None of us can do it alone, that is for sure.  I found this forum just before Christmas.  The folks here are first class!!


Hey guy! Thanks for reaching out!  Yes I am scared but I know I can't be. Yes, it is true that having a wonderful husband who is so supportive makes me feel that I will beat this thing. I do have a few concerns but I need a MD HIV Specialist to help me with that.

My husband is a great guy and i am glad I didn't infect him. He's an angel and he makes me strong.

Please keep in touch! What a wonderful group this is!

Can you tell me how good the support groups are in GMHC? I really need to find a support group.


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