Main Forums > Someone I Care About Has HIV

A question for others out there

<< < (2/3) > >>

Hi Otterboi,

I have been in a situation not so different from yours in the past.  My first boyfriend (I was with him from age 19 to 24) tested positive when he was 26.  He didn't tell me but his cousin did (dramatically I might add).  His cousin constantly tried to be there for him, although he was and is clearly not interested.  I tried on numerous occaisions to get in contact with him.  I am certain that he is aware that I know because his cousin has told the entire family about his health status along with several friends.  He clearly and repeatedly has demonstrated that he does not want to have contact with many of those he was in contact with before. As much as I would like to talk to him (of course, not mentioning anything related to my knowing his health status) I respect his right to shut off most of his friends from earlier days.

I often speculate as to the reasons why he feels this way, but these are his feelings and he owes no one justification.  At first I felt rejected and hurt but then came to understand that this wasn't and isn't about me.  I wish the best for him and know that he has new friends and I hope they provide the support he needs.

I am hopeful that your friend will let you in eventually. 

Giving people space and room is one of the most difficult yet generous gifts a person can offer.  Also, don't blame yourself or feel that you did anything wrong.  Humans are complex beings and our motivations are often multi-facited.

Know that you have many gifts to offer him.  The gift of absense is sometimes as important as the gift of presence.  Time will sort things out.

Thanks to those who have written such supportive words. I've let him know that I am still around, yet will leave the ball in his court for now.

Boo Radley:
Just to add my measly 2 cents, none of us can really make another person change or behave differently regardless of circumstances.  We can help people change if they are willing to but that's about it.

It seems you have a good understanding of the many issues which might play into your friend's actions.  Give him the time and space he apparently needs but let him know you're here for him if he wants to reach out.  That's all you can do. 

I hope everything works out satisfactorily.


Andy Velez:
Otter, I agree with the suggestions about giving your friend as much space as he may need.

At the same time, if it feels ok to you, how about just sending him a note, (and personally I prefer a handwritten note as contrasted with e mail), nothing elaborate or lengthy-- just saying you're thinking about him, hoping things are going ok and to be in touch with you if he feels like it. I don't think it ever hurts to let someone know they're thought of in a kindly way.

I can't promise what his response will be but contacting him this way allows you to express some interest while still respecting the boundary he seems to have set for the timebeing.

This is just a suggestion and one you should follow only if it feels right to you in the context of how you know him.


We all deal with realtionships in different ways.  I don't need to tell you that.  You have a good heart and a smart brain. 

That being said, you will get a different opinion from everyone on here.  My advice is to keep in touch as you feel comfortable and let him come to you.  If he does, you may tell over time see who he is and what he is seeking.  Maybe you can help, maybe not.  You have reached out and that is the best any person can offer. 

I hope I am not coming across as lecturing, since that is the last thing I would want someone to do to me.  You care about him so let your heart, mind and gut be your guide.  The most important person in your life is you.

You have a good heart - Cheers and good luck!


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version