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Author Topic: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME  (Read 1739 times)

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Offline MomAndOnly

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I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« on: April 20, 2015, 04:27:27 PM »
During a recent emergency trip to the hospital, I found out that he takes Complera. He does not know this. He's always been very open with me and knows I've never had any issues with his choice of partners. There's trust between us yet he hasn't shared his health situation with me. I want to help him or at the very least have I know "I'm there " for him when and how he needs me.  I don't want to intrude or pry. I just want to be " Mom ".

There's no instructions for this!

Offline zach

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2015, 04:45:04 PM »
How old is he?

If he's an adult, regardless of whether he is still on your insurance, it's his private medical information and none of your business. As tempting as it is to say or do something, "Is there anything you'd like to tell me... you know I'll support you no matter what" let him disclose in his own time if and only if he chooses to. Be there for him now, and when he discloses.

I have a couple sons at that in between age, they've over 18, but still under 26 so I occasionally see medical stuff... I sign and move on. Their mother, well, she has your reaction. So I understand your turmoil.

You've got a burden to shoulder now. Very sorry.
An honest tune with a lingering lead has taken me this far

Offline tednlou2

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2015, 04:59:42 PM »
This is obviously a very sensitive issue.  I haven't told my parents or anyone.  My partner knows and my brother knows, because he overheard a nurse say the drug she was giving me.  I didn't want to burden my mom with this.  If she found out accidentally (where she wasn't snooping through my things), I think I may be annoyed at first, but glad she spoke up with support and removed the burden of me having to tell her. 

Of course, your son may be different and feel totally different.  If I were a parent, I would find out all info I could, without sneaking around to find.  Perhaps I would sneak around, if my child was very ill.  You don't say how you learned.  You may have just overheard, like my brother did.  That's not snooping around in his business.  Once someone finds out that way, then I do think it is okay to ask about it-- but only if to offer unconditional support and not to ask how, why, etc. 

Good luck!  I suspect you cannot keep this to yourself.  I don't think it would be healthy to never speak of it. He may resent you for never speaking up and offering support.  But, again, everyone is different.  Btw, why was he in the hospital?  Was it for a reason that would be for HIV/AIDS?

Offline zach

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2015, 05:06:51 PM »
I suspect you cannot keep this to yourself.

ted makes a strong point there  :D it's a mother's way, and it'll tear you up... maybe best to listen to him more than me

let us know how you handle it, heavy either way
An honest tune with a lingering lead has taken me this far

Offline initforlife

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2015, 05:48:44 PM »
As a mother who is poz this would be a hard call. The mother side of me wants to tell you to let him know you know and see if it opened the door for him to talk to you about it..but however being poz I know I did not want my mom to know .someone I disclosed to did that for me still pissed over that one..and all my kids know but one. I did disclose to them myself .Maybe  you could say I saw the meds and  if you ever want to talk about anything I'm  here for you .anyway good luck
sometimes it is best to say nothing at all. then to offend

Offline mecch

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2015, 06:03:25 PM »
 It was an accident that you found out? Correct?

You can't put this info back in the bag. I would tell him you know.  As Ted explained.  Parent - child. blah blah. As you say your relationship isn't broke and telling him you know won't break it. Needless to say, no lecture "why didn't you tell me." just the neutral fact that accidentally you know. voila.

(I think this is in the wrong section. It should be in Someone I Know...)
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline intaglio

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2015, 08:24:39 AM »
I'm the parent of four kids, but I'm not the parent of your son, so take what I say as you will.

During a recent emergency trip to the hospital, I found out he takes Complera...

His recent emergency room visit may be an indicator he's very new to dealing with HIV. He may not have had the time to put his diagnosis into proper perspective. This could be why he has not yet opened up to you about it. He has to be comfortable enough with the diagnosis to be able to handle it -and your reaction to him disclosing to you.

There's never the perfect moment to say "oh, by the way, mom, I'm now dealing with a chronic condition that society as a whole is a tad bit judgemental about." Hallmark just doesn't make a card for that occasion.

There's trust between us...

So, continue to trust he will tell you in good time. There is absolutely no compelling reason he has to tell you immediately or you have to have this conversation with him right this moment.

You also don't say how you found out he takes Complera. If you tell him you know he has HIV, the very first question he is likely to ask is "how did you find out?" Your answer could leave him feeling betrayed, not relieved that you know.

I just want to be " Mom ".

Being "mom" is recognizing you are the mother of an autonomous adult, not a child. If this were a neighbor or coworker, or even the child of a friend, would your reaction be to wonder if you should tell them you know they have HIV? Most likely you would keep that information to yourself. You'd also show discretion if they eventually shared that information with you by not saying "oh, I've known for some time."

There's no instructions for this!

None of us can speak for him as to what he'd want you to do here. You asking what you should do shows you give thought to the possible outcomes of your actions. Being mindful of the trust of which you speak, maybe you should trust you've done your "mom-job" well. Maybe you should trust this conversation doesn't need to happen until your son decides there's benefit to disclosing his status to you.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2015, 01:34:41 PM »
Hi,

Coming as a third party observer, I remember the huge heavy burden my father carried not letting in of us know that he was HIV +, and actually had AIDS, he called it carrying the "monkey" on his shoulders, as he did not want any of us to have that burden. I think he might have lived longer and would have been supported had he not been so resistant to getting tested and treated, and letting his loved ones be there for him...Ultimately it's shocking news even finding out that it's a family member, but that's why they are called "loved ones," you love them regardless. I agree with Ted and Mecch's assessments, let him know that through no fault of your own you know about his status, and "however much he wants you to be there for him, tell him you'll be available, just to let you know."  My guess it will be a little weight off him.  I know if would have been for me.

Oh, and be sure to let him know, as a mother, "your love goes beyond the moon and the stars, regardless of anything."

All my best,
Heidi
Life is a BANQUET, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

                             ~Auntie Mame

Offline MomAndOnly

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2015, 01:24:51 PM »
I thank you all for your replies and advice.  I asked him if there was anything he wanted to share with me, since I see him take medication on a regular basis.  His answer was "no". I assured him I'm here for him no matter what, hugged him, and left it at  that. My heart aches for him, I know he's also hurting  from a bad break up with his of partner 7 years. This is why he is now living with me and my husband.

He's  31 and an only child. We have no other family other than my husband's.  The reason for the trip to the e.r. was almost  24 hours of  throwing up.  After tests, doctor said it may have been a  "bug", or something he ate. Kept him overnight for observation  and pain. I didn't want him to miss any doses of his medicine, ( he also takes Lexapro, that much he's told me) and he couldn't remember the prescribed dose. I went home and picked  up his pill box and noticed 2 different types of pills.  This, together with the fact that he's been contradicting himself in conversations and was acting nervous and odd at the hospital,  compelled me to find out about this "other pill".   Call it snooping if you'd like.

I suspect this has a lot to do with his break up, what he's told me about it just doesn't add up.  Either way,  I'm not going anywhere! He's in good spirits,  working hard at his job, pays all bills etc. I see him being very mindful with his diet etc.  I've looked into support for myself and husband.  I know there will be  "highs  and lows" ...

One day at a time, not THAT much time in the darn day, don't  waste it on 'would've, could've,  should've,  "

Offline Joe K

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2015, 02:47:20 PM »
Hello Mom,

Being a parent, I can appreciate your concern regarding your son, but you need to remember the main point here: it's his life, not yours.  I know you think that your involvement is meant with nothing but love for him, but what you are doing is just making it harder for him to come to you... when he is ready.

Becoming poz is one of the greatest life challenges anyone can face and it takes time to sort out all the emotions, so one can begin to adjust to being poz.  The unconditional love and support of family can be paramount in that adjustment, however, you must remember that this is all about him right now, not you.  As much as it might hurt, you must respect his right to come to grips with his own life, in his own ways and timing.

You have told him that you are there for him, whenever he need you and now you must step back and give him the room he needs, to do whatever he feels necessary to adjust to his new reality.  Please stop violating his trust, by second guessing what he says, or does, because no matter how much you love him, you have no comprehension of what becoming poz truly entails.

I think that finding support for you and your husband is an excellent idea.  You will need that support, to tame your desire to force his hand in disclosing his status.

As I said before, this is not about you.  Right now, it's all about him.  Exactly as it should be for someone who is newly positive.

Joe

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2015, 03:35:41 PM »
I didn't want him to miss any doses of his medicine, ( he also takes Lexapro, that much he's told me) and he couldn't remember the prescribed dose. I went home and picked  up his pill box and noticed 2 different types of pills.  This, together with the fact that he's been contradicting himself in conversations and was acting nervous and odd at the hospital,  compelled me to find out about this "other pill".   Call it snooping if you'd like.


Well based on this new info. I'd like to change my opinion. It's not that a doctor or nurse spilled the beans to you. Or it was on his chart "HIV+" and you read it there. Snooping... no.   Not judging you, but I revert to the consensus this is his news to tell you.

Possibly what happened was an "acte manqué" on his part, not sure what the english term is but its when someone does something that reveals a truth but they do it without really planning, but the idea is the person subconsciously wants the truth to come out..   Anyhow, since you were a bit active sleuthing, you have to hold the info now, until he spills the beans on purpose.   I don't think its much different in the long run, but the moral and respectful thing to do.  wait for him to say it.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Weber

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2015, 07:48:19 PM »
Hi,

I'm gonna have to agree 100% with Joe. He is 31, a grown up dealing with a challenge in life, mature enough (especially age-wise) to figure out his ways of tackling his problems. we can never know what's in his mind but as a 35 year old poz I can say that HIV dx is very personal and creates immense discomfort when dx is outed out of your control. Unfortunately, I wasn't given the chance to share news with my family on my own terms. Some jerk contacted my mom and told my condition which created unnecessary complications in my life and certainly did not help with my emotional healing process. 9 months into my dx now, I am comfortable  with my situation and if the whole disclosure did not happen out my control earlier, I would have totally done it by now cuz now I am ready. I don't know for how long your son is poz but he will get there too and will share with you or he won't. what matters at this point, in my opinion, is it has to be his choice and he should not feel the burden of keeping you informed or updated about his condition unless he wants to. My two cents...Best of luck to you!

Offline zach

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2015, 05:34:23 AM »
you couldn't leave it alone :-\

worn down from a stay in hospital is not the best time to have a disclosure talk.

i'm still hurt and angry at the family member that got carried away when i was in hospital. some of that betrayal of trust will always be between us now.

in this thread you've heard from parents, children, people living with hiv and who have lost loved ones to it. i hope you're hearing the consensus view.
An honest tune with a lingering lead has taken me this far

Offline DANIELtakashi

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2015, 05:39:21 AM »
Just a little piece of info from a son.
I told my parents about my disease when I  thought I  was ready.
Japanese National.
Language:  Japanese and English
Reside in TOKYO
Have visited 45 US states, DC, and Guam and Saipan.

Offline MomAndOnly

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2015, 08:19:06 PM »
Hello again everyone. Just a brief update - My son still has not mentioned anything. Though it's been hard, I've not said anything either. I just make sure he knows I love him no matter what and am always just a few words away.  Thank you all so very much! Stay well everyone!

Offline zach

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2015, 08:29:07 PM »
hope you had a happy mothers day

he knows you love him, has he ever been more than a few words away from you? he's probably sensitive enough to know you're trying to hint at something.

keep in mind, you've had time to come to terms with invading his privacy. he hasn't. you keep picking at this, it has a huge potential to blow up in your face. by the time you pester it to the surface, you'll be comfortable with it, he'll be hot

why don't you take the time to go back over this thread, reread our experiences with family disclosure, and our take about your situation... read all of them, give it some thought
« Last Edit: May 12, 2015, 08:31:33 PM by zach »
An honest tune with a lingering lead has taken me this far

Offline wolfter

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2015, 08:55:58 PM »
If he isn't seriously ill, why press it?  He's a man now and not a little boy.  One thing little boys don't ever wish to do is disappoint or let down our mothers.  As grown men, the roles reverse and we become the protectors.

Perhaps it's ok to just live your life and be there if he needs you?  That worked wonderfully for me and my mom.  I never discussed with her beyond which was mandatory and she never asked unless there was a great need.

Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline bubba53

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2015, 10:15:14 PM »
I also agree counseling is an excellent idea ,
Also educating yourselves will make it easier when he does
decide to tell you . From my own experience, the thought
freaking out the ones you love can be your worst fear,
sounds to me you and your husband have a very good handle on things !
Good Luck, Wade
"Who put the pepper in the....Vaseline  ? " Coffee Butler

Offline harleymc

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Re: I know my son is HIV+ HE HASN'T TOLD ME
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2015, 05:18:28 AM »
The guy's on combination therapy and obviously adherant enough that he didn't want to miss one dose while in hospital.

There is nothing else you need to know, not that you needed to know it in the first place.

Trust has been betrayed by 'snooping' it will take a long time to rebuild.

 


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