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Author Topic: What would you give to be negative?  (Read 11657 times)

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Offline rocket

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What would you give to be negative?
« on: June 12, 2006, 01:16:57 AM »
I know this is kinda wierd and materialistic,but Im always trading in the stock market and gamble a lot.After I was diagnosed sometimes I would think ,"what would I give up if I could somehow be negative',I worked hard for my life savings but in my mind I said i would give it away if i could be negative,my codo too.Just to know I wouldnt have to worry about the future so much and all the damn doctor apointments I will experience.I even thought about work and how I would work for free for the rest of my career for the trade.Some might say they wouldnt give up anything because it can be treated or that its changed their life into a better one because of it.Others might put a dollar value on it,say a drug you could take but you had to pay say400,000 dollars for it but no insurance or any finacial help.What you all say?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2006, 01:21:47 AM »
If I was stranded, naked, in a strange country with no material possessions, no friends or family, no money, no way to speak the language, but with an intact immune system free from HIV, I would be the luckiest guy on earth.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline otherplaces

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2006, 01:48:58 AM »

Looking at the world through the prism of hiv can be an odd view. Being newly diagnosed it tends to cloud even the most mundane. I often see people on the street and wish I could trade places. I figure they've got to have it better. Just to be able to go out and not have a worry in the world seems like the greatest most valuable thing that one could ever have. But I also amuse myself that I'd trade with this person and that person but then I see a really old person and I think, 'eh, maybe not that person'.  That's usually on my bad days. On my good days I don't play these mind games with myself. I just walk down the street.


Offline randym431

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2006, 02:25:21 AM »
Rather than be neg now, I'd wish I would have been smarter "then".

Offline carousel

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2006, 05:28:36 AM »
.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 01:01:15 PM by carousel »

Offline blondbeauty

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2006, 05:46:55 AM »
If could be negative again...that wouldn´t guarantee infinite happiness or a life free of cancer, the danger of a car accident, or a tragedy happening to a relative or family member.
My life is still very good. If I could keep it this way and avoid all the other horrible things that happen to everyone and that will happen to me: other diseases, death of parents, friends, etc...I would remain HIV+.
I would give everything to have a happy life with or without HIV.
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Offline Markmt

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2006, 06:01:48 AM »
I totally agree with Juan. We can spend our entire life giving away things for making things better to reach some state of perfection, whatever that is in our minds. Can anyones life truely be that perfect?.
"Live to love and love to live."

Leo Buscaglia

Offline joemutt

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2006, 07:01:34 AM »
I dunno if I could give up the challenge of being poz,
-having to question everything and help my neighbor and receiving so much love-
that easily

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2006, 08:24:47 AM »
hmm, maybe all my money since there's not alot of it!!  :D  :D  :D  how's that for a crafty shaft?! plus money can always be earned back

i think i might be too selfish to give up something of value in exchange for something else even if it's of value too

Offline Ann

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2006, 09:00:12 AM »
Hmm..

Well, being a big believer in reincarnation, I don't think I would trade anything to be negative again. You see, I believe what we experience in this life are lessons that we need to learn based on things we did in previous lives. I'm guessing my lesson is to learn how to be happy and at peace despite having a serious, life-threatening illness. It's taught me a lot about compassion too. Would I learn the things I've learned (and am still learning) if I didn't end up hiv positive? Who knows. If it wasn't hiv, it probably would have been something else.

It's not what happens to us, it's how we deal with it that matters.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline purpledragonfly

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2006, 09:47:08 AM »
I agree with Ann, in fact she said all most word for word what i was going to say.
I have been poz for 18 yrs. next month. I was one of the lucky ones who didn't need meds untill april of 97, [well i was on azt for a couple of months back in 90 but i took myself off of them, they were making me so sick i couldn't stand it, i am glad now i did.] I wish i could turn back time sometimes but that is because of the things i did, not because of hiv.We all have to make decissions in our lifes. We all have to take the responsibility of what we did. What would i give to be neg. nothing, i don't want this but i have learned to deal with it pretty much. I would probably have gotten cancer or something else. Plus i have ment some wonderful people on here and in everyday life that i would never have ment if i wasn't poz.Then one thing i would love to be able to change is the way others see us,treat us, that is more upsetting to me than almost everything else with this virus.We all must die one day, at least i know {maybe} what i am going to die from, no suprises. This is just my two cents worth, i know others will feel different, and that is their choice.

Wendy

Offline Moffie65

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2006, 10:10:38 AM »
Well, Rocket,

Welcome to the Forums.

You sure know how to ask the hard questions the first time out.  ;D .....   

I have to say that I doubt that anyone of us would have made the choice to get this disease, and for those that think it is no big deal, they can just go to hell.....  As far as my personal feelings.... that is a story of a whole different tone.

I have asked myself this question over the last 22 years many many times.  What I continually come up with is the conclusion that I have been given this challenge to deal with because I was supposed to have this challenge.  Like Ann, I agree with the concept that this life is only a continuation of a much longer timeline, and the fact that I was given this to deal with this time around; has given me the drive and compassion to make something of it, and to help others in their quest for sanity while dealing with a situation that on the surface seems hopeless. 

Being a good Capricorn; anything that gets in the way of making and growing wealth, is a terrible hindrance and must be dealt with.  So, this time around, I am learning to NOT be so focused on the material, and more focused on spirit.  Yes, I am very comfortable, which is not to say that I am wealthy by any means; but am I satisfied with the life I have created since 1983?  You bet your sweet ass I am happy.  Yes I just spent a weekend, draped over the toilet, not having any energy, and loosing most everything I attempted to eat; but damnit, I am going to work it through and try to make this poison AZT work for me, and try once more to conquer this virus and keep it's mutations from killing me before I am done with all the things I want to accomplish. 

As for the time; the last 22 years. It has been a good time.  I have been more broke, more rich, more joyful, more sad, and overall lived a life of more intensity than I could have ever asked for, had I not been introduced to this virus.  I cannot and will not say that the virus is the reason, because only my resolve to make this life one of fullness and richness has given me anyhing to speak of.  In the end, I cannot differentiate between what I have experienced and what I might have experienced, because that would be an effort at all out mental masturbation.

In Love.

Edited to add:  Now you know why I was a terrible student in school.  I didn't even answer the question...  Duh....  I have nothing that I would give up to be negative, because I am not supposed to be HIV- in this life.  This virus is mine, and mine alone.  I wouldn't give it up to anyone. 
« Last Edit: June 12, 2006, 10:16:10 AM by Moffie65 »
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline doyourowndamndishes

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2006, 10:32:32 AM »
I too agree with Ann,

Ya, being hiv+ sucks but I wouldn't change a thing.  If there is some larger plan as to why I got it and many others I know didn't (but really should have given their unsafe pasts) I've come to my own conclusions that work for me.  I am not the same person I was B.S. (Before Seroconversion) as I am now.  I have made many changes for the better and I can't say I'd have made those same changes had I been hiv-.  I remember reading somewhere a long time ago that part of life is not trying to figure out what the soul wants or should be doing.  Rather, the soul has already made all it's choices and decisions; it's our job trying to understand WHY it made the choices it did.  Whether there is any truth to that I don't think anyone will ever know but it's a message that has stuck with me for many many years.

Cheers,

Alan
"All that we are is theresult of what we have thought." -Buddha

Offline Life

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2006, 11:09:33 AM »
If it wasnt HIV.  I would fuck it up with something else in its place...  I am sure of that..

Offline Christine

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2006, 11:31:35 AM »
I used to wish I could trade places with someone else, then at some point I realized that trading lives would only be trading my set of problems with someone elses set of problems. The whole grass-is-never-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence idea.

I also view my life similar to Anne's views. I think our souls are on a journey, walking down a path, and our souls learn lessons along the way. Hiv has taught me to be more patient, understand that love and happiness, family, and friends are the most things in the world. I hope it has made me a better person.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline DingoBoi

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2006, 11:56:03 AM »
I like who I am better now than before.   I do more for me and less for others (sounds selfish, but it's not)

I have a bit more respect for myself.  I don't think I'd trade... because that won't make me happy.   


Offline heartforyou

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2006, 12:07:04 PM »
There is a reason for everything.
Most of the previous posts headed in that direction. And I agree with Ann, Moffie etc.

I am not glad I got HIV, but I would never trade the life-experience I got form coping with it.

And of course the many people I ran into or that were put on my path.

Remember : people are put in our lives , for a reason. So is HIV.

In love


Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline heartforyou

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2006, 12:09:35 PM »
Quote
I dunno if I could give up the challenge of being poz,
-having to question everything and help my neighbor and receiving so much love-
that easily

Well said Joe. receiving so much love and give my neighbor.....
How very true that has been for me and still is and more to come.

Hermie :)
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline manchesteruk

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #18 on: June 12, 2006, 12:28:28 PM »
I've tried not to let thoughts like this from entering my head.  If I spent time thinking about the what ifs I don't think it would be particularly helpful in moving on with my life and putting the diagnosis behind me.  I will admit to hoping there will be a cure in my lifetime but I don't think thats the same thing at all really.
Diagnosed 11/05

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" Oscar Wilde

Offline David_CA

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2006, 12:44:39 PM »
Well, I'm certainly not glad that I have HIV.  It's hard for me to think about what I would do to be negative due to all the folks that don't even have the option to 'manage' HIV / AIDS.  People who've become resistant, those in other less developed countries, and people here in this country that, for some reason, don't get treatment.  I would feel plain guilty thinking about becoming negative with all the people that have passed away without the benefits of treatment.  Pre H-D (pre HIV David) was much more stress-free.  Now, I have to learn to manage stress. 

I always said that I couldn't be in a relationship with an HIV+ person; my hubby is poz too.  I also said that I couldn't deal with being HIV+ myself; now I am.  Believe me, I've quit saying 'I could never...'! Everytime I've said it, it's come to be that I have to deal with it.  I do think I'll become a more understanding, patient person.  I have to.  It's funny to me, but there are lots of things early in my life that, when I look back, almost foreshadowed things that subsequently happened.  Life is so weird! ... at least mine is.

Having said that, if there was a pricey cure for HIV, I'd do what was necessary to obtain it! 
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
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  Atripla started 12-01-2006
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08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
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05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
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11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
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01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
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You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline AlanBama

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #20 on: June 12, 2006, 12:59:41 PM »
I've been dealing with it for so long, I find it difficult to even remember what things felt like, pre-AIDS.

I would give anything I own to not be positive, but I don't own much.   Thanks to HIV I'm pretty poor.   But I have to agree with Ann and Tim, I think Karma is teaching me something on this particular journey.  I'm just not quite sure what that is.   Maybe it's how to be humble, and be content being poor with a 'terminal' illness.   I'm sure I have people who are in my life that would not have been there otherwise, and for all of them, I'm thankful.

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline jack

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #21 on: June 12, 2006, 01:10:19 PM »
A blow job? Didnt think so. Ten years ago I would have given every cent I had. Today,maybe half of what I have.

Offline kcmetroman

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #22 on: June 12, 2006, 02:17:43 PM »
Well, if I could undo my indiscretions, the pain I have caused people I care about, I would do anything.

But deep down inside, I truly believe that I will eventually lead a more fullfilled life than I would have.  I guess AIDS has given me the opportunity to truly see what is around me.  Appreciate things.  Don't know if I would have found that otherwise. 

In an odd way, it helped me find Trish.

Offline Jusme

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2006, 03:49:45 PM »
Oh wow.... what a question,

Having just fallen totally in love with the most wonderful person on planet earth (well... in my eyes anyway) and still at the stage where I cannot bring myself to tell him that I am positive, right now I would give almost anything.

He is negative and so far I have denied knowing what my status is. There has been no physical contact between us at all as yet and there never will be until I tell him that I am positive.... but just somehow... I know that when I do he will be gone. Not that he is shallow or anything like that but he is young, talented, beautiful and with his whole life ahead of him. Maybe in a way I even want him to go when I tell him. ???

Having lived much of my life never thinking that I could ever fall in love, it finally happened but now face the possibility of love ending before it even really begins.

Yep... I would give almost anything. Why almost..... well.... if there could be a cure for the virus (for ALL of us) then I would give anything. ANYTHING!

Love to all.

Love and health to all

Offline CalvinC

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2006, 04:22:02 PM »

Funny, when I went to my doctor for my results last month, I already felt I knew (though I have had no symptoms, and am in excellent health otherwise). So I think: what was different from me "before" I actually found out? I can't really know, but I go back in my mind and think of all the things I have been doing over the past year (as I am sure I became poz in that time frame), and try to reimagine doing them as the poz person I then must have been.

With that in mind, I can't say I would give anything to change, because thinking that is fantasyland. I was already living poz; the only thing that changed is knowing. I have to battle right now with the way other people (and sometimes, myself) think of me, ie, I am "limited" etc etc.

Cal

ps This is the first thread I have read here very carefully and slowly. What an amazing peace I find from all respondents--likely because everyone is so honest. Even over the web, I can sense this, and it just blows me away. And I'm in no way a holistic / shamanistic person. Reading all your comments very very calming.

Offline cph9680

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #25 on: June 12, 2006, 04:44:02 PM »
Hmm, I dunno...Being POZ has opened my eyes too a lot and I've experienced things and met people I never would have had the chance to had it not happened.  I think it's also made me a better person in the longrun, so I don't think there's much I'd give to turn back into the poor pathetic person I was before...

Offline Life

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #26 on: June 12, 2006, 05:03:11 PM »
I asked William about this.  That day I drove down and told him at work right after diagnosis, I still remember the hug of a lifetime that he gave me and whispered in my ear "this changes nothing, you are the love of my life, no matter what.  I will never let you go"   What do I say to that?  I have never felt more loved in the past 3 years than in my entire life.   I will make this work.   I don't want alot, just a bit more time.   Growing old to be 70 and 80 does not really thrill me at all.   Given the fact I dont have alot to trade,  I will find a common ground like so many have here.   I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, no matter what life throughs at you..

Offline ademas

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #27 on: June 12, 2006, 06:53:00 PM »
My youth is gone.
My dear friends and ex's are gone.
I've been dealing with this for more than half my life.
I doubt I would give a dime to change my status at this point.
My biggest fear today is that I will step off a curb and get hit by a bus,
and I won't get my name on that fucking quilt.
xox

Offline jack

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #28 on: June 12, 2006, 07:13:10 PM »
$20

Offline Dennis

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #29 on: June 12, 2006, 07:35:56 PM »
In December I will have been HIV+ for 15 years.  HIV has made me who I am today.  And believe it or not, I've pretty much come to like the person I've grown into.  I have it a lot better than some HIV- individuals. 

Offline fearless

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #30 on: June 12, 2006, 08:03:59 PM »
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous  ;D.

I don't think I'd give anything to be -ve again. Whilst I wish I was not positive, I'm far happier now than I was before.
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline pozitivelyfun

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #31 on: June 12, 2006, 08:49:28 PM »
There is a reason for everything.
Most of the previous posts headed in that direction. And I agree with Ann, Moffie etc.

I am not glad I got HIV, but I would never trade the life-experience I got form coping with it.

And of course the many people I ran into or that were put on my path.

Remember : people are put in our lives , for a reason. So is HIV.

In love


Hermie

Hermie.. I feel the exact same way.. gosh, I wish I didnt have it but apparently God has a different plan for me and my life.. plus.. Ive met some wonderful folks being poZ!

Offline terpie82

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #32 on: June 12, 2006, 08:53:33 PM »
For me, it's really a two-sided coin. On one, being positive has changed me for the better, made me a stronger person, a fighter, a more loving, life enjoying person. It has also led me here, where I have made so many new friends and family -and you know who you are  :-*. On the other, I feel so hurt, often betrayed when as soon as I tell someone I'm so interested in that I'm positive, they usually respond in a negative way. Sometimes, I feel like being positive will increase my chances of living alone for the rest of my life, without a significant partner to share it with and it just makes me feel sad and want to cry. It's times like those that I'd be willing to give up almost anything to be negative again.
Diagnosed in 2003
UD since 2004 and >35% (with one blip)

Offline AlanBama

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #33 on: June 12, 2006, 09:18:50 PM »
LOL @ Ademas !

Honey, I know what you mean about that spot on the quilt.   I think I deserve a MINK one, with diamond studs spelling out my name.

 :-* :-*
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

jerry

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #34 on: June 12, 2006, 09:26:52 PM »
I would not want to change anything if it wasn't for having HIV I would never have found this site and got to know so many more people.

I'm happy for the family I have on here now!

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #35 on: June 12, 2006, 09:39:26 PM »
I can't remember what it was like to be HIV negative, so I guess I have to say that I wouldn't go back.

MtD

Offline CalvinC

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #36 on: June 12, 2006, 09:55:24 PM »
Terpie writes, in part: "On the other, I feel so hurt, often betrayed when as soon as I tell someone I'm so interested in that I'm positive, they usually respond in a negative way. Sometimes, I feel like being positive will increase my chances of living alone for the rest of my life, without a significant partner to share it with and it just makes me feel sad and want to cry. It's times like those that I'd be willing to give up almost anything to be negative again."

Terp, when I tested poz last month, my experience was almost the opposite of Eric's (above).  I had to wait the entire weekend and the Monday because he was away/busy and I was busy period. When I finally I told him and he said, "You're joking." And when I said No, he said "You're not serious." And suddenly, it was all about him. I wasn't hoping for a best case scenario, like Eric's, or even, "I'm so sorry; but don't worry, we'll work through this together." Nope. After about five min, he got on the phone and called a clinic and his doctor.

Eventually he calmed down. Why? Because I was the strong one. I kept carrying him through it. And we talked until it became a discussion about us. And I went to see him the next day, and again, it was about us, though now he said, "It's not the HIV. I need some time to think this all through." He actually even said "I need room to breath." (Which, when I told a friend of mine this, my friend said, "What a pathetic metaphor.") But you know, again, I carried him through it. He said, "How come you're not distraught? How can you be so calm?" And I said, "Inside I'm crying. But there's this corner over there. I can't go there. I have no choice. I have responsibilities." I stood up for myself, and him. And after it was over, he said, "I'll call you." That was 3 weeks ago.

Terp, all this to say, You're stronger than this. Just like me. Just like all of us. I think that carrying him through his own distress was my finest hour. It was. Yeah, he as much as dumped me. I have to forgive him and move on. If we don't forgive, then we will find that loneliness of which you speak. Cry here, on my shoulder.  I will carry you too. We all will. I promise.

Cal

Offline Blixer

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #37 on: June 12, 2006, 09:59:12 PM »
Some very good thoughts have been posted in this thread.  For me, I wish I were not positive.  I wish I would have been smarter someplace back along the way.  But I chose to live my life in a certain way and I don't regret that.  Being told I was HIV+ has definately change my outlook on life.  I have a much deeper understanding of those going through problems and it has caused me to value things that are important. I do believe it has made me a better person and I saw that echoed in many of your posts.  I wish I weren't poz, but now that I'm here I'm content to make the best of it.  
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Optimistic

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #38 on: June 12, 2006, 10:14:18 PM »
I don't think I would want to be negative again if my experiences with being postive would vanish.  I think my prior lifestyle would have killed me faster than this disease would.  However, if I can take these experiences with me and become negative again.....you name it, i'll do it...of course I will be much much smarter about my decisions the second time around.

Justin
12/06 (Atripla): cd4 - 260; cd% - 33%; vl - 169
1/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 267; cd% - 38.1%; vl - 132
4/07 (Atripla): cd4 - 373; cd% - 33.9%; vl - <50
7/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 287; cd% - 35.8%; vl - <50
9/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 356; cd% - 39.5%; vl - <50
12/07 (Atripla); cd4 - 517

Offline emeraldize

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #39 on: June 12, 2006, 10:43:28 PM »
What a timely question. I am in NCY taking intensive training in Feng Shui this week with the goal of bringing it, pro bono, to + people. Today, our teacher spent considerable time explaining how we, as Ann and others expressed, chose this life. Have heard the concept, lightly agreed with it in the past. Understand it in a totally different way now.

I thought I was thoughtful, I thought I was aware, I thought a lot of different things before being diagnosed. Now, I try to think less and act more. Act on my own behalf as never before, act on behalf of others in greater need than I and act as if there could be a cure, could be a vaccine or, better yet, could be both.

In my most quiet moments, when I look at what has occurred in the nearly three years since "the shift" -- I am compelled to acknowledge my life is richer, more intense, more hopeful, more focused and more love-filled as a direct result. I have nothing to give to become negative because I'm giving all that I have to being positive.

Offline nateinsf

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #40 on: June 13, 2006, 12:44:05 AM »
I agree with Ann ... and Eric.  I know I would have continued to make bad decisions (in the form of having unsafe sex) until it finally caught up with me somehow. But that was then, this is now...

Lessons learned hard are learned best ... so I'm just trying to use the experience to learn about life that I probably wouldn't pick up on if I was negative.  There's nothing material I can think of to give up that would be anywhere near as valuable as being negative ... and giving up something of personal, intangible worth would just be exchanging one loss for another.

Offline Cliff

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #41 on: June 13, 2006, 01:19:59 AM »
If could be negative again...that wouldn´t guarantee infinite happiness or a life free of cancer, the danger of a car accident, or a tragedy happening to a relative or family member.
My life is still very good. If I could keep it this way and avoid all the other horrible things that happen to everyone and that will happen to me: other diseases, death of parents, friends, etc...I would remain HIV+.
I would give everything to have a happy life with or without HIV.
I like this answer (and others too).  A lot.  I wrote this long response and somehow accidently clicked back and lost it.  All of it.  Damn I hate that.  Oh well, such is life.  This says all I wanted to say anyway, except maybe that the only thing that has changed in my life are my priorities.

Offline rocket

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #42 on: June 13, 2006, 01:25:27 AM »
This forum has the most amazing,intelligent,strong,loving,considerate people i have ever known.There is no forum around like this one here and I can say Im proud to be a part of it.Your responses have been so thought provoking and diverse.I suppose its silly to spend time thinking about changing something that cant be changed,its what we do after an event like this comes our way that counts,I just hope for the best for all of us and the character you all have displayed will rub off on me.At the very least we all seem to be better humans as a result of this disease.   Love Rocket

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #43 on: June 13, 2006, 02:12:12 AM »
I find this topic disturbing. Why waiste precious time even thinking about something that can never be?  If the queen had balls, she'd be King.
Positive since 1985

Offline cubbybear

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #44 on: June 13, 2006, 02:29:30 AM »
I don't think I could give up the experiences I have had since becoming positive.  The people I have met, the challenges I have faced and overcome, the changes I can see within myself that have made me a better version of myself than I have ever been are too valuable to me.  If HIV had to be the thing to give me these life experiences then so be it.
There's a bear in there!
Positive since 2000
Diagnosed 17/9/2005 CD4 35 VL 293,000
Meds 23/9/2005 Sustiva/Truvada
Currently CD4 232 VL Undetectable

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #45 on: June 13, 2006, 07:40:19 AM »
I'm not sure what I would give to be negative. Maybe a year's income. Because I'm not sick and my HIV is under control I don't feel that desperate. I don't believe in karma and I don't think having HIV has made me a better or worse person. HIV is just a pain in the ass that I would gladly give up... for a reasonable price.

Offline penguin

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2006, 10:15:17 AM »
didn't I already bid for this one on e-bay??  :P

seriously though, i wouldn't, cos anything i gave would only lead to the loss of something else.

I made my choices, some of them weren't too clever, but I live with (and learn from) the consequences. I like to think I've learned how to listen to my body, look after my soul, and stop worrying about where i'm going or how i'm going to get there.  HIV was the thing that made me realise I'd hit rock bottom, physically and mentally, so for that alone i am strangely grateful.

I would be grateful if i had more treatment options(jabbing my skinny self with t20 gets less fun each day), and didn't have some of the more troublesome side effects...fatigue, diarrhea etc. 

Other than that, I'm at peace.

Kate

Offline randym431

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2006, 10:29:15 AM »
Well I didnt think this post would grow so much. Kinda a moot subject.
But.... I'd give a wish to have meds so fantastic that they worked forever for everyone and had no sides more than an asprin.
Making being pos no worse than having a big nose. (did that make sense??)

Offline Robert

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #48 on: June 13, 2006, 10:48:44 AM »
I've never been as happy as I am now.  My priorities have changed.  It was destructive behavior that led me to HIV/AIDS. A whirlwind of walking in circles making bad decisions. 

Now I'm just a country boy, as happy as can be.

robert
..........

Offline livingpositively

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Re: What would you give to be negative?
« Reply #49 on: June 13, 2006, 04:14:58 PM »
Wow...tough question.  I don't know what I would give up to be neg.  Without the piece of paper and knowledge of my status, my life is the same as it was.  I am not yet on meds, and thankful for that.  I feel the same as I did before someone told me about a lab result.  The only thing adverse or different is the self imposed stigma - which I am dealing with - and a little fear/apprehension of the unknown future.  Life keeps me very busy, so I have even had some days (even though my diagnosis only came 3 months ago) where I haven't even thought about the fact that I have HIV.

Thanks for posting such a thought provoking question.  It would be interesting to see how a person't answer changes over time, as the situation in dealing with HIV changes for them.

Shane
4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

 


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