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Author Topic: Why don't I want sex?  (Read 3881 times)

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Offline AtomicA

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Why don't I want sex?
« on: December 21, 2006, 04:50:15 AM »
Alright, so this is starting to be a bit of a problem for me.

I don't know if it's the drugs I'm taking or what but recently my sex drive has been next to zero. No jacking off for days on end and the thought of sex doesn't even cross my mind. I'm dating this totally amazing guy who I am basically madly in love with but for some reason I don't want sex at all. In fact I shy away from it completely when he brings it up. I find myself making all these lame ass excuses and I don't know how long he's going to stick around without any action (he is MORE than interested).

I'm taking sustiva and Kivexa (abacavir/3TC) - I don't know if anyone has ever experienced a kill in the sex drive with these before. As far as I know my testosterone levels are normal, at least they were at the beginning of the summer but then I wasn't taking the meds.

I have cut most of my alcohol consumption out of my life, don't use poppers anymore, hardly smoke any weed and don't do any other narcotics. I don't smoke and when I do think to jack off I have no problem getting it up.

Here's the thing, I'm 22 years old and until recently I had a VERY high sex drive. I can't pinpoint when it started going down the tube but I think it was around the same time I started the meds.

Even when my boyfriend and I are making out, there is no action in the package if you know what I mean - even though I am VERY attracted to him.

I don't know if this is physiological because of the meds, or psychological. I know I have some issues surrounding intimacy with the whole HIV thing and the surgery I did two weeks ago sure hasn't done anything for me feeling sexy (see the Damn HPV thread) but to not want sex even a little at all?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! this is not supposed to be happening to me at 22!

any insight would be much MUCH appreciated!

Offline poet

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2006, 06:33:45 AM »
(As the eyes of many glaze over  ;D Poet takes this apart:)

'recently my sex drive has been next to zero. No jacking off for days on end and the thought of sex doesn't even cross my mind.'

Men's hormones like women's cycle.  The low point is after each full moon to roughly two weeks prior to the next full moon which it naturally 'rises' again.  So part of this, with the next full moon on 3 January, is the moon.  Part may be depression, such as s.a.d. if you are aware of it working in you?   

'I'm dating this totally amazing guy who I am basically madly in love with'

You can be in love with someone and not 'in heat' with someone.  Hence one-night-stands: good for the moment of lust, but not on the plate for longterm.  Try to sort of what you mean by 'in love with?" 

'I'm taking sustiva and Kivexa (abacavir/3TC) - I don't know if anyone has ever experienced a kill in the sex drive with these before. As far as I know my testosterone levels are normal, at least they were at the beginning of the summer but then I wasn't taking the meds.'

I'm on Sustiva.  I would not try getting into sex at night at taking it since at some point I might experience the dizzy/exhaustion/weirdness.  Is the timing of your drugs interfering with arousal?



'when I do think to jack off I have no problem getting it up.'

Now remember I did 15 years of sex work, so this is something which you can answer for yourself and not post since it's something that a 'client would discuss privately with me.  WHAT is in your mind when you get aroused?  Is it the new boyfriend?  Does it involve your doing something to him or his doing something to you or is your mind locked on something outside of the two of you?  When the man in hand is not the man who stimulates, we all have an arousal problem with him.

'until recently I had a VERY high sex drive. I can't pinpoint when it started going down the tube but I think it was around the same time I started the meds.'

With this, I would ask if it's the knowing that you are taking the meds, your mental dealing with the meds which is causing the problem.  You felt sexy and sexual until you became 'damaged' and started taking meds thing many guys go through.

'Even when my boyfriend and I are making out, there is no action in the package if you know what I mean - even though I am VERY attracted to him.'

Back to love versus lust here.  'Attracted' meaning want to rape him or as a Ken doll?  (See Parting Glances, the movie, for the reference.) Someone HAS to attract you in a sexual way to feel sexually driven about him.

'I don't know if this is physiological because of the meds, or psychological. I know I have some issues surrounding intimacy with the whole HIV thing and the surgery I did two weeks ago sure hasn't done anything for me feeling sexy (see the Damn HPV thread) but to not want sex even a little at all? '

See if you can break this out into pieces?  Think about how you were after starting meds.  Then how you were after meeting him.  Then how you were and are after the surgery.  As I said elsewhere, I had to work with a number of clients after their surgery to reconnect them with their butts, to assure them that they could handle things back there.  In part, this is a question you can ask yourself about being active or passive.  Are you afraid of bleeding profusely?  Are you afraid of pain (in the... yes)?  What I did with them was to 'work' the area for them outside of their partners so that they knew that everything was functioning.  Until that happens, the surgery is a factor. 

Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2006, 08:23:46 AM »


    I'm am definitely no expert on such issues, but one thing I do know about myself is for many years I was use to having sex after smoking weed.   When the weed was absent I had a little difficulty wanting sex..  I mean I wanted to, but something just did not seem the same.   I quit smoking again recently and it took a couple of times before just the act of sex would get me excited again.   

    Not so sure this is the case for you, but it was for me.  I hope you find a solution soon..  Good luck!

   Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2006, 09:24:14 AM »
Here's the thing, I'm 22 years old and until recently I had a VERY high sex drive. I can't pinpoint when it started going down the tube but I think it was around the same time I started the meds.

Sounds very "sudden" which makes me guess it's the meds? (???) Next time you see your doctor you must mention this drop in drive not just for the issue at hand, but because discussing biological shifts, even small ones, especially early into a new regimen, can give your doctor  mucho insight (into other issues and maybe this issue too; sorry to digress from the main question)

I don't know how long he's going to stick around without any action (he is MORE than interested).

Heh, I say make him wait but do give "a little something:D LOL - Don't listen to me!  :D  Seriously, maybe take a hot sexy shower with him? That's action right? Drop the excuses and communicate. You're not a piece of meat and you've got some issues etc. (Who doesn't?) ... Never do anything you're not ready to do!!! Communicate. it's the sensible thing to do, or at least a sensible first step. It's not like he's a straight guy (is he? LOL!) who hates communication (stereotyping i know, sorry) Give him some rope but not enough that he might hog-tie you with :D and remember:

1. Never feel pressured to do anything you might not be ready for
2. You're not a piece of meat
3. You're in the driver's seat
« Last Edit: December 21, 2006, 10:33:11 AM by allopathicholistic »

Online Andy Velez

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2006, 10:51:28 AM »
Atomic, I'm glad you brought this up. A number of things can play into your currently low sex drive.

For starters, have you discussed this with your doctor? Give him the full report and see what he/she has to say about this.

Secondly, are you out about your status with the guy you're dating? Do you feel comfortable speaking frankly with him about this -- telling him you are interested/care about him, etc. or whatever is actually so for you, AND that right now kind of unusually for you your sex drive is in low. That you don't expect it will remain that way but just want to be open with him.

Can you two handle that kind of intimate conversation? If the answer is yes it might help to remove a sense of isolation, burden and inadequacy that guys sometimes feel when their mojo goes on sabbatical. 

Keep us posted on how it's going.
Andy Velez

Offline thunter34

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2006, 11:21:42 AM »
Some beatnik finger snaps for Andy!

The psychological toll of the missing mojo just ends up perpetuating the whole blasted thing...it feeds on itself.  And it can even start messing with the companionship mojo when that's gnawing at the back of your minds.

If you can, I second putting it all on the table. 
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline stevevaboy

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2006, 11:32:46 AM »
Atomic, I'm right there with you at the moment and have seen my drive decline since I started the meds (Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada) less than a year ago.  I'm 42 and very healthy - get lots of exercise, eat right for the most part, etc... I'm not taking antidepressants (a big potential "thrill kill").  I even got my testosterone tested just weeks ago and wouldn't you know it came back "high"!?!?  So, no biological answer there - rats!

The recommendations already given are certainly where we should be looking for answers I think - but, given that the meds are probably throwing a wrench into our drive mechanics as well.  For me it's a lot like I'm just plain bored with sex!  I live in San Diego and there are plenty of hot guys around here and a lot of opportunities and part of it for me is that the threshold for what makes me "excited" just keeps getting higher and higher - have I, perhaps, become desensitized to sex... possibly.

I'm TRYING to rethink the way I approach sex now.  If I'm not REALLY feeling the desire to "release some tention" I'm trying to avoid just going through the motions, IE. looking at porn and forcing it.  I'm trying to date and get intimate ONLY with guys that really physically turn me on - I really have a thing for chest and facial hair, so I know not to even go down the "smooth" road, seriously, as superficial as that sounds it really has an effect on me.

Drinking and drugs can surely have an effect on some, but not really an issue with me unless I just drink too much, though for some odd reason, the day AFTER drinking way too much (not often mind you! ha ha) if I'm hung over I am just raging horny!  Chemicals are at play I suspect.

I certainly don't have all the answers for us, but I think if we assess things carefully and honestly we can solve some of the mystery... though we can't give up our meds, unfortunately, if that's the main issue.

Good luck... Steve
;0

Offline poet

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2006, 11:42:11 AM »
FYI for Atomic and Steve, porn stars, yes, the guys you see on screen having hot and over the top sex with each other, have these same issues and most of the ones that I knew weren't hiv positive and so weren't on drugs.  Remember with them it is often the casting director or director who makes the matches up and this may happen the morning of the so called shoot.  While the one shot in my apartment ended up fine on tape, it required constant trips up and down by director and guy shooting it to be there when the top had something to show.  Then back to wait for the next call to come back.  Why?  Because, as Steve points out, if the guys aren't into each other, the only thing that they can do is force things along.  Hence, some of my earlier questions.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline bear60

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2006, 11:44:42 AM »
Adam..... I went and read the Damn HPV thread and I have to say.....for someone who hasnt yet recovered from SURGERY, you sure seem to be anxious to get back in the saddle...so to speak.   I am sure you need some time to heal, repair and recover.  Mentally and physically heal.
But yes... I agree with several posts about putting it on the table.  Your partner needs to be aware of what you are dealing with.
And yes, sexual function is often impaired with HIV and meds.  Its part of LIVING WITH HIV!
Thing is, if this bothers you, there are ways to cope. Just cause you are 22 doesnt mean doo doo anymore.  With HIV and meds all bets are off.  
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline thunter34

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2006, 11:48:57 AM »
Yeah.  Saw the HPV thing, too.   I'd probably be hissing and scratching like an angry alley cat if someone even TRIED to come at me that close after surgery! 

Guess that's the '22' in you showing itself. 
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline David_CA

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2006, 12:08:31 PM »
I lost all interest in sex after my Prozac dosage was doubled.  It wasn't bad at the initial dose, but completely gone with the increase.  Hell, I didn't even want to get hard.  After I was prescribed Klonopin and in the hosp, I quit taking the Prozac and things are returning to normal quite nicely.  I imagine a lot  what's bothering you, as already mentioned, is that you're worrying about not wanting sex, which causes more stress.  Don't think about sex for a while, 'til things straighten up from surgery.  When it's time, you'll get that feeling again.  Besides the stress of the surgery, HIV in general is a major stressor, and stress is never good for sex, although sex sure can help relieve stress! 

David
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2006, 12:19:04 PM »
Seems to me it could be HPV/surgery issue that is affecting your desire for sex.  It was
relatively recent.  This could be a good opportunity to having a conversation with your
new boyfriend about what you are feeling and going through right now?  It sounds like
he already suspects something is amiss, so why not be upfront with him before he
assumes you're not interested in him for other reasons?  You'd also get the chance
to see how he reacts to serious subjects/conversations, which may be an indicator of
whether he is the right guy for you.

As far as the meds are concerned, it could be the cause -- you might want to discuss
that with your doctor.  Other people's postings here will also you give you some insight
about sexual side-effects of meds (physiological and psychological).  In my experience,
the meds haven't diminished my desired for sex (I'm 42 and take Sustiva/Truvada).
I just don't find many opportunities for sex, admittedly somewhat self-imposed
because I have to know/date a guy for at least a short while before feeling
comfortable enough to have sex (otherwise sex just isn't enjoyable for me).

I'm confident you will find the answers, and be back to your usual self before
you know it.  As other posters have said, the more you think about it, the worse
it can get if you don't take any action.  Why not start with the conversation?

Cheers,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Longislander

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2006, 02:27:31 PM »
Hi Adam, I just wanted to throw in that I think I remembered seeing you post about a (pretty normal) desire to NOT pick up any SSD's, perhaps this is a big cause here?
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2006, 04:25:43 PM »
I've gone through slumps... but I tend to bounce back pretty quickly.

Poet is spot on.

When it happens to me, I sort of try to pinpoint about where my sex drive crashed and burned and see if I can figure out if an event or (in the past) drug (not the pill kinds) had something to do with it.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline AtomicA

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2006, 04:32:33 PM »
Thanks guys

Poet - I'm gonna PM you about your work with prostates, I am very curious about pretty much everything that entails and what you might know. I hadn't even thought about the S.A.D. thing... In fact I have been prescribed light therapy to deal with it it gets so severe and it does just so happen that today, being the shortest day of the year is pretty much the climax of me wanting to kill everyone and everything just because it's dark all the time (in calgary, sun comes up at 9:20 in the morning and goes back down at 4 in the afternoon in late december). That's definitely something to think about!

Skeebo - I defintely had that problem when I quit being a chronic, when I first started smoking pot I would always get a hardon after the first few tokes no matter what and sex was mind blowing at first but after a while it started having the opposite effect, likely because I was stoned when I contracted HIV so every time I got baked after that the paranoia would literally make me freak out and run. It's part of the reason I quit smoking regularly.

Allo- I'm gonna talk to my doc about it when I see him next month for sure. It's been a roller coaster with the meds but I think things have finally leveled out. I just don't want this to be even a little bit of an issue because of them!

Andy - My boyfriend and I were friends first, he is fully in the loop about what's going on with me medically and I took him to get his own full battery of STD tests when we started dating, the next week him and I booked an appointment with a nurse at the HIV clinic to talk about the best ways to keep him negative. We talk about as much as is normal I guess and I don't feel uncomfortable about the issuse with him. I am going to lay this all out for him today and see what he has to say. He's been carrying a torch for me for 5 years so I hope a little more patience won't be that hard for him.

Steve - oh boy does he turn me on! we have been working out together 5x a week since september... he had a hot body before but since i started kicking his ass into working on our abs after every workout (something he hardly ever did before me) he's gotten even more droolable. I have a hard time keeping other boys off him when we go to the bar!

Bear/Thunter/Buckmark - yah I'm pretty much freaked right the hell out about my ass. What with the constant fear of the little bastards coming back (I think they might be already. f*ckers.) and the fact that I know I'm not totally healed yet... I've already told him no one is going close to my ass until I after the follow up appointment with the surgeon on the 29th at least. However, it's not just me not wanting to bottom. He's totally versatile and is more than willing for me to top him and I don't seem to have any interest in that or oral sex. I'm hoping what Poet said about S.A.D has something to do with this. I was in australia for last christmas - no winter blues there and the christmas before i was near death with sero-conversion illness so I really don't remember what I'm naturally like at the darkest, most miserable time of the year. Did I mention that I hate christmas?

David - I have only dabbled in anti-deppressants once when I was 18. Have to say I prefered being depressed. tried three different kinds and each one turned me into a void of a human shell. I like my feelings, even if they're bad ones. I could be psychoticly bi-polar and I think I would still refuse them.

Longislander - I sure am freaked about more STD's. It's not really an issue with my new boyfriend. He was dating someone for 4 years before me and as their relationship died they stopped having sex, I think the last time he had any was 9 months ago (probably why he pops a woody if I rub his knee) and I was really adament about him getting tested for everything before we even got naked together. neurotic I know but at least I am know for sure that he's nagative on all accounts.

So - I think I'm gonna just be totally honest with him and hope he's ok with that. I'm gonna talk to my doctor next month and hopefully this is just a temporary little blip!

thank you so much everyone
Adam



Offline Boo Radley

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #15 on: December 21, 2006, 04:46:41 PM »
My libido disappeared altogether when I took Zoloft, an anti-depressant.  Recently my psych increased the dose of amitriptyline and I seem to be much less horny.  It could be partially due to having too many cats and dogs in bed to feel like masturbating.  Also, I'll be 51 in a couple of weeks and given my family history it's a wonder I and my 3 siblings were even born, so asexual was Mom.  On more than one occasion when I was younger and was pushing my gayness in her face she would ask "Why do you need to have sex?," as if it were like a faucet one can turn off.

Boo
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Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline jcmiami

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2006, 05:14:13 PM »
I am on Zoloft(anti-depressant), Atripla and Bactrim...I have no problems getting aroused but have a very hard time ejaculating or delayed ejaculation. My MD. says it is all due to the medication, especially the Zoloft.
I think in your case it might be the meds and anxiety and fear. The more you freak out about not getting aroused - the worst it gets. I suggest you have a good open "all cards on the table" conversation with your boyfriend. If he loves you, he will be supportive and maybe "help you" sexually to get you aroused. Sometimes we fear the other person will reject us but remember it is our self created fear. This fear causes anxiety. Anxiety will definitely put a hamper on any sex drive. Good luck!

Offline Eldon

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #17 on: December 21, 2006, 09:46:54 PM »
Supporting You

Hey Adam...

There has been a lot that you have been experiencing this year in your life. There can, may or will be a number of reasons for you to feel this way. In fact, it not uncommon for us.

With a Sex Drive, it is mainly a mentally driven aspect of ourselves. Through the power of thought is where the sensation and all of the activity comes into play. As Poet had mentioned, the moon cycles does have a bearing on this.

In deed you just came back from surgery and you are bound to be of a delicate natured mind set right now. Just take it easy as you continue to process through all of this. You may want to spend some time alone and take a look within and ask yourself why am I feeling this way. A lot of answers will come to you. Based on this it will help you gain a better understanding of what is going on.

Take care of YOU!



"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"

Offline Life

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Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #18 on: December 21, 2006, 09:54:41 PM »
Adam,  have you ever just put the thoughts on hold and let the body do its natural thing... Fuck?  Maybe its as simple as walking back through the door of love and sex..... maybe...

Love

Offline lydgate

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  • Virgin, can't drive
Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2006, 11:34:22 PM »
This may not be the cause at all, but it might be worth checking your testosterone levels. HIV, and HIV meds, can cause some serious alterations in hormone levels. Ask your doc to check your free and total testosterone levels. A lot of poz guys have below-normal levels (are hypogonadal); for quite a few, this can lead to some q-of-l issues, including diminished or absent sex drive.

Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline marco23

  • Member
  • Posts: 392
Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #20 on: December 22, 2006, 02:13:20 PM »
Heartbreaking, just heartbreaking. A sex drive gone.........I shall light a candle and have a moment of silence.....................................................
Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Why don't I want sex?
« Reply #21 on: December 22, 2006, 08:50:23 PM »
Yes, I AM Supporting You

Hey Adam...

Take it ALL in stride. As Celine Dion would sing...Its ALL coming back to me now. It will. Just give it some time as your mind continues to process through the many events and experiences that have been going on in your life.


Enjoy your Holiday Season.

"Don't You Dare Give Up, Don't You Dare Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"

 


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