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Author Topic: new diagnosis: triple whammy?  (Read 3117 times)

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Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« on: June 11, 2006, 04:27:47 PM »
Hi all.

I'm new here. Just got a positive result last month. Bad news? Aside from the "loss" associated with a positive status, I got dumped. Oh sure, "it's not the HIV," he said.  And the third whammy is that I know I have to start myself over. I'm not sure I can do this.

Why? I'm a smart guy, education galore, attractive, in-shape, all the indicators that say, "How could he have been so stupid?" No one is saying it; in fact, aside from the run-away boyfriend, everyone has been 100% on side and caring, I'm financially fine, good insurance, great doctors. I'm a lucky guy. But I feel I'm being watched. It's like being the bride or groom, or the host of a party: it's not about you, it's about the guests and making sure they're all fine, that you love their gift, etc. Everyone wants to believe that I'm still the same unflappable, cool cucumber.

I'm stuck in the almost-cliched aspect of getting dumped, though I'm working like hell to forgive and move on. And when I'm able to do that, the HIV news comes back in. And when I'm settled with that, then the you-will-change-but-you-don't-know-how-yet stuff comes calling.

I'm just distraught. After all my years of fending off love, I did a lot of personal work, with the result I'd recently found that there is nothing more important to me than loving, and being loved; not money or possessions. And this diagnosis happens, and it's my responsibility, but like a cruel joke, I'm thinking all I'm going to be is isolated once again.

I know, I know, I need more time, that the run-away isn't worth it, and so on. It's just that I'm so f***ing tired of being Mr Strong I could just puke. I don't know what it is one moment, the next I do. I'm working on it.

I'm not sure why I've written. But thanks all for being out there. I've read some of the threads and you're a great bunch.

Cal

Offline Rob - Dublin

  • Member
  • Posts: 51
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2006, 04:42:40 PM »
Hi Cal,

Welcome onboard this gr8 ocean liner. Im here a few weeks now and while I have not had to deal with losing a bf, I think letting the HIV news 'sink in' is part of the process of coming to terms with a new situation, a new life and a new us. I can relate to all of the material elements that you write about and yes it is great to be secure in all ways and yes of course love and loving someone is superior to the money, the status, the car, the home etc. While the old mantle of 'time heals all' is a bit tired now. It does work.

For me getting the news that I was poz was a shock as I had been deadly careful for years, BUT hey thats life!

This is a great site and great people are here and it has been realy cool for me learning about issues and making new friends. Stick with it and I think the most important person is u, so look after u first.

Anything we can help with just ask.

Take care

Rob
14 Dec 2005 Tested Neg
21 Jan 2006 Infected
09 May 2006 Tested Poz
29 May 2006 CD4 551  (33%) VL 21,000
10 July 2006 CD4 632  (34%) VL 24,500

......when i'm good, i'm very good - when i'm bad i'm even better......

Dream as if you will live forever - Live as if you will die today.....

Offline manchesteruk

  • Member
  • Posts: 630
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2006, 04:43:49 PM »
Hi Calvin,

Welcome to the forums and i'm sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis.  It sounds to me like your just going through all the usual feelings and emotions of a new diagnosis you just need to give it some time.  It took me i'd say 5-6 months before I could honestly say I felt like i'd got over it and had moved on.  As for your ex if he could treat you like that then you are better off without him!

Chris
Diagnosed 11/05

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" Oscar Wilde

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2006, 06:12:17 PM »
Hi Cal,

Welcome to the Forums.
You said it right.It is all about love.

Well, I have good news.
We are a family here. And there is a lot of love in the air. Sometimes a good portion of tension as well, but what loves goes without that.

Love does not always come as a personal relationship Cal. It comes in many shapes and various styles.

On here you will find that you are loved just as you are.
Because we have one thing in common : HIV. And love makes us forget about it sometimes.

Big hug

Hermie :)
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2006, 06:21:13 PM »
Hi Cal,
I think many people feel the same way when first diagnosed...like one is walking around in a daze with a big banner across your forehead. But you are not, those are your perceptions, not the perceptions of your loved ones.

I am sorry about your boyfriend. And I know you probably know this, but if he left because of the hiv that is on him. He could not deal with it, it had nothing to do with you. And everyone on this list deserves a great love who will accept all of them, including the hiv.

Lastly, you don't have to be strong all the time. Lean on your family and friends. Cry, scream, throw things. Get it out, don't keep it all bottled up inside. I have been going to a counselor for a few years now, and it has helped tremendously.

Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2006, 06:29:22 PM »
Welcome Calvin...

                       Though we have said it many times and in many ways WE ARE A FAMILY.  My heart goes out
to you having to deal with the loss of a dear BF.  Regardless of the reason, losing someone you love
sucks.  Please know that you are much welcomed and that your concerns and your thoughts are shared by
many here on the forum.  There's lots of information here but there's also alot of support.  Coming to terms with
your HIV status and all the things that go along with it does take time....Take a deep breath and live one day at
a time...for life begins a new every day.  Welcome my new friend :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline Sdgirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 247
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2006, 07:56:49 PM »
Calvin,

Welcome..........I too am newly diagnosed and lost my boyfriend of three years.  It's a long road to acceptance, forgiveness and you need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel.  Good, bad or indifferent, it is what you feel...........let it happen.

You have a found a warm blanket on a cold day here at these forums.  The people here are full of love, advice and a swift kick in the ass when you need one...........I think it's called a FAMILY.

Take care and if you need anything we are all here for you

Lisa
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2006, 09:42:07 PM »
Hi Calvin

Welcome to the forums. Hubby was diagonsed last month also.
 You have come to the right place. The people here are wonderful. I dont know how i would have made thru this past few weeks without them.

Take care
Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,394
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2006, 10:15:32 PM »
Hey Calvin,
It is always bittersweet to welcome someone new. I'm glad you've found us and have joined in, but sorry for the diagnosis.

Now, take some deep breaths. Exhale slowly. All of this is really new to you, You don't have to have all the answers today, or tomorrow, or ever.

You have the important things already addressed: good doc, insurance, etc. Now, sit back and take care of yourself.

I have had plenty of people turn and run when they found out I was a possie. But many, many others have stuck by me. You are better off with mr. whateverhisnamewas. You don't need his negative energy in your life.

By the way, you're wrong, your life won't change. It already has changed. How will it turn out? Who knows? None of us know what the future holds for us, we just take it a day at a time.

I've been living with the bug for 21 years. If nothing else, it has taught me we have no guarantees. But we can use our energy to make the most of each day we have.

Take your time. Let us know how you're doing or feeling. Come here to rant and rave, ask questions, vent, whatever. That's what a family is for and we will be here for you.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline otherplaces

  • Member
  • Posts: 398
  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2006, 11:02:47 PM »

Calvin,

I probably can't offer you too much advice as I'm just months ahead of you. What I can say is you're not alone and that everything you wrote rang absolutely true with me.

I've thought alot about how HIV seems like a cruel joke. That in your search for love you instead get handed something that is to be sure to cut you off from love. But there's plenty of people on here and in the world who have found love with hiv. They're very beautiful stories. There is hope.

This article might help: http://www.poz.com/articles/431_2557.shtml

Take care and much love,
brian

Offline CalvinC

  • Member
  • Posts: 143
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2006, 02:27:18 PM »

Dear Rob, Chris, Hermie, Christine, David, Lisa, Teresa, Mark, Brian, and all who took the time to read my missive: thanks ever so much. I didn't expect this! The main message from y'all is Family: family and friends, and the family here on poz.com  And it's true, I guess I have already changed: I believe in all of you. Everyone who wrote seems so real (pardon the cliche, but it's true--I really feel it is like that, just from the way you all expressed yourselves). My deep and heartfelt thanks for making the road ahead far far less bumpy. And I'm going to try to make a positive contribution here as well. I will look for you all again!

Cal

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,784
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2006, 05:54:07 PM »
Hi Calvin!
Welcome to the forums. We all understand how you feel. The most annoying thing of being HIV+ is that it is an avoidable disease...so you will spend a while feeling stupid for getting it. But time will make you feel much better. I still think of it every day but it is not my first thought in the morning and i forget it most of the day. I was diagnosed last october, but I donīt think of it as something tragic. I just think its weird having a living creature inside me and feeling so normal...Now I never feel alone. I know it may sound crazy but that is how I feel about it.  :-\
I enjoy every day much more than before. Ive been all day away from home doing many things and having fun with a friend of mine. I enjoyed watching people rushing in the city on a monday and me having a day off. The sun shined, the leaves of the trees moved with the wind...my salad tasted delicious...I feel alive as I never felt before.
The bad thing is I would like to live forever now...something I never wished before.
And I know bad days will come, not necessarily related to HIV: parents will die, Diana my dog will also pass away...I will grow old and end up alone on a retirement home...
So now I want to enjoy life as much as possible. You should do the same.
Maybe a brick will fall on your head tomorrow and now you are all worried thinking about HIV...
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline Gilles

  • Member
  • Posts: 63
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2006, 10:35:51 PM »
Hi Calvin....sorry about the diagnosis....similar thing happened to me 2 months ago. Been diagnosed right in the middle of my degree finals. My boyfriend pretty much 'dumped' me...telling me that we were still going to be friends but him hardly making any effort to see me at least once a week and giving me support that I so needed at such a crucial period of my career.

Surprisingly I have done my finals well....it was quite amusing....in library in the middle of revising I would suddenly have small crying and then continue with my reading. Its almost I have trained myself that I could cry only on the condition that I would stop immidiately and go back to work.

I seems to be tired of being all Mr Strong too. I dont even know why I am doing it...since at the moment I am very confused about my future. The only thing that keeps me going is that in about 6 months times I will probably thank myself for staying strong. Probably in about 6 months time life will be worth living again....I think we are still adjusting to the diagnosis...

I think its worth staying "Mr Strong" just purely because you have only been diagnosed a month ago and you never know what you will feel like after some time will pass. It will be shame if you let this virus ruin your life at this early stage of diagnosis only to know that you could be happy if you stay strong....

I just keep going....not questioning why....

Offline Markmt

  • Member
  • Posts: 175
Re: new diagnosis: triple whammy?
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2006, 03:14:56 PM »
Hi Cal, just wanted to welcome you on the boards. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as we all learn from each other. I guess most of us can relate to what you have stated and your feelings/emotions are  pretty normal Hope you read more of you in the future.

Take care,

markl
"Live to love and love to live."

Leo Buscaglia

 


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