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new diagnosis: triple whammy?

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CalvinC:
Hi all.

I'm new here. Just got a positive result last month. Bad news? Aside from the "loss" associated with a positive status, I got dumped. Oh sure, "it's not the HIV," he said.  And the third whammy is that I know I have to start myself over. I'm not sure I can do this.

Why? I'm a smart guy, education galore, attractive, in-shape, all the indicators that say, "How could he have been so stupid?" No one is saying it; in fact, aside from the run-away boyfriend, everyone has been 100% on side and caring, I'm financially fine, good insurance, great doctors. I'm a lucky guy. But I feel I'm being watched. It's like being the bride or groom, or the host of a party: it's not about you, it's about the guests and making sure they're all fine, that you love their gift, etc. Everyone wants to believe that I'm still the same unflappable, cool cucumber.

I'm stuck in the almost-cliched aspect of getting dumped, though I'm working like hell to forgive and move on. And when I'm able to do that, the HIV news comes back in. And when I'm settled with that, then the you-will-change-but-you-don't-know-how-yet stuff comes calling.

I'm just distraught. After all my years of fending off love, I did a lot of personal work, with the result I'd recently found that there is nothing more important to me than loving, and being loved; not money or possessions. And this diagnosis happens, and it's my responsibility, but like a cruel joke, I'm thinking all I'm going to be is isolated once again.

I know, I know, I need more time, that the run-away isn't worth it, and so on. It's just that I'm so f***ing tired of being Mr Strong I could just puke. I don't know what it is one moment, the next I do. I'm working on it.

I'm not sure why I've written. But thanks all for being out there. I've read some of the threads and you're a great bunch.

Cal

Rob - Dublin:
Hi Cal,

Welcome onboard this gr8 ocean liner. Im here a few weeks now and while I have not had to deal with losing a bf, I think letting the HIV news 'sink in' is part of the process of coming to terms with a new situation, a new life and a new us. I can relate to all of the material elements that you write about and yes it is great to be secure in all ways and yes of course love and loving someone is superior to the money, the status, the car, the home etc. While the old mantle of 'time heals all' is a bit tired now. It does work.

For me getting the news that I was poz was a shock as I had been deadly careful for years, BUT hey thats life!

This is a great site and great people are here and it has been realy cool for me learning about issues and making new friends. Stick with it and I think the most important person is u, so look after u first.

Anything we can help with just ask.

Take care

Rob

manchesteruk:
Hi Calvin,

Welcome to the forums and i'm sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis.  It sounds to me like your just going through all the usual feelings and emotions of a new diagnosis you just need to give it some time.  It took me i'd say 5-6 months before I could honestly say I felt like i'd got over it and had moved on.  As for your ex if he could treat you like that then you are better off without him!

Chris

heartforyou:
Hi Cal,

Welcome to the Forums.
You said it right.It is all about love.

Well, I have good news.
We are a family here. And there is a lot of love in the air. Sometimes a good portion of tension as well, but what loves goes without that.

Love does not always come as a personal relationship Cal. It comes in many shapes and various styles.

On here you will find that you are loved just as you are.
Because we have one thing in common : HIV. And love makes us forget about it sometimes.

Big hug

Hermie :)

Christine:
Hi Cal,
I think many people feel the same way when first diagnosed...like one is walking around in a daze with a big banner across your forehead. But you are not, those are your perceptions, not the perceptions of your loved ones.

I am sorry about your boyfriend. And I know you probably know this, but if he left because of the hiv that is on him. He could not deal with it, it had nothing to do with you. And everyone on this list deserves a great love who will accept all of them, including the hiv.

Lastly, you don't have to be strong all the time. Lean on your family and friends. Cry, scream, throw things. Get it out, don't keep it all bottled up inside. I have been going to a counselor for a few years now, and it has helped tremendously.

Christine

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