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Ok - So Now What? Good Greif !

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Markmt:
Hi Eric, sorry to read of the passaway of your ex collauge. On the other front it must have been such a terrific experience having the family reunioun + having William in your midst.

Life is Ups and downs. When I was doing my anxiety therapy our (as a group) key word used to be 'acceptance and calm'. That is accepting the low moments and being assured that they where only a passing phase. Somehow this seemed to help getting rid of the mood faster.(the tought process is a bit complex) When one stresses out over an anxious moment it seems to generate more negative thoughts and makes the downs linger on and on. You have to know that this is a passing phase. If it wasnt HIV there will be something very suitable we can blame on getting us down. You will be out of it ;)

take care,

mark

allopathicholistic:

--- Quote from: Eric on June 11, 2006, 01:42:38 PM ---Why is it, William does not even think about being HIV (not on meds yet).  He is well aware of his status, but it just does not bother him.  The only time he remembers he is HIV is when I bring it up to him (almost every conversation).  We love eachother and will be together till its all said and done.  I just want what he has, but I don't seem to be wired like him.   No electrician is going to help me get over the fact that I need to go about life as normal.  To live in the day.   

--- End quote ---

Sounds like a nice balance exists for the two of you! You're already on the next ledge it seems meaning  a caring loving cautious person is showing love and concern for someone's who a bit more happy-go-lucky ... Now IMHO you don't need to bring up HIV every single day although it clearly indicates your love for William. I say cherish the personality balance, grow from it, and know that your relationship dynamics are the way they are by design, not by accident. If I were you I'd ease up on hiv talk but that's just me

Christine:
Hi Eric,
My advice is to just take baby steps, one day at a time, and keep walking down the path of life. Remember that every single person on the planet has something that they worry about. We have hiv on our shoulders, others have personal problems, or financial problems.

We can't choose or will away our hiv, but you can choose how you accept it. Acknowledge that some days it will be overwhelming, and other days you won't think about it at all. Choose to live life to the fullest, each day, because no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

We all worry about the hiv, but god forbid, one could walk outside and get hit by a car crossing the street. Ask yourself, if you passed tomorrow, would your life be what you wanted it to be? Or is it a life filled with fret, worry, and fear? If it is the latter, then make a choice to stop worrying about it.

Another thought..(this is a little bit of psycho-babble)...Do you think you keep thinking about it to punish yourself? That because you have hiv you don't deserve to be more care free. I know I have put limits on myself in the past, and sometimes I think it is because I don't feel worthy of happiness or joy because of the hiv.

Ahhh...it can be so complicated...
Christine

Life:
I appreciate everyone's perspectives on this...  The only way I can grow is put things out there and see if I stand on common ground.   Christine,  I will try and stay on the right page.   I think I could be punishing myself for this.  But not so much anymore.  Both me and William have been in the midst of loved ones getting very sick and dying (not of hiv) and we have been there for all of it.  You compound this with HIV, it becomes very "close to home."

Mark - its funny you said Acceptance.   I keep for getting that "acceptance is the key".   I had an early mantra 10 months ago from my sponsor "Patience, Acceptance, leads to - Serenity."  Guess I need to brush that off again.

Allopathicholistic - Thanks, HIV occupies way to much "brain time" - I will work harder and maybe in a few more months of letting things go, it will improve..

Thanks David - You are such a support for me in all the phone calls.   You have helped me out of the pit many many times..

Love

DanielMark:
It's difficult for me to clearly recall my first year to give you much feedback, since I've been living with this over 18 years now. Reading through this thread Eric, one thing I am thinking is that 10 months isn't a long time to get adjusted to being HIV+ and maybe you are not quite settled with that in your own mind yet.

Do you have a therapist? Maybe you are not done working through grieving the loss of you old life yet. Until that happens, it's hard to reach the point of acceptance.

Just my two cents.

(((hug)))

Daniel

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