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Ok - So Now What? Good Greif !

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Ok, its been ten months.  I have been doing everything I have been told to do.  I have been a good little boy.  I have been 100% ad herant.  My numbers seem to be going the right direction and all that.  Me and William just got back from a blast furnace in Kansas and celebrated my parents 50th which was really nice.  I introduced William to the entire bible belted world.   I have never heard William talk and talk and talk as much as he did with all my relatives.   The day we were to return to Aspen, a dear colleague of mine died while driving Independence Pass when her car went off the road and fell.  I gave a very powerful eulogy that moved many many people about her.  I try and be helpful to others and know that today is all I have.....   But....

I realize, knowledge about my hiv is great to know about and learn about.  To be helpful to others is great.  But I have also found that I would like to now "compartmentalize my HIV so it quits interfering with me and Williams life.  I cant seem to break free.  I have tried to be less on the internet and just let Dr. Ben do his thing with me.   But I always have in the back of my mind...

When will this come to play..

Vireo-logic failure..
you name it..

Why is it, William does not even think about being HIV (not on meds yet).  He is well aware of his status, but it just does not bother him.  The only time he remembers he is HIV is when I bring it up to him (almost every conversation).  We love eachother and will be together till its all said and done.  I just want what he has, but I don't seem to be wired like him.   No electrician is going to help me get over the fact that I need to go about life as normal.  To live in the day.   Yes I have heard all of this for 20 years, but can't seem to get it to stay put.   

I presume, I am on a path that many others have walked before me.  Would you ever so mind in reaching back with your hand and pulling me up to the next ledge?


Dearest Eric,

I really liked your open-soul story. A very sad story as you tell of your colleague.
The story I can very well relate to.

I can speak form experience Eric.

My lover, who was neg, died of a heart attack at the sweet age of 32.
It was then that I realised we all have to go.
So, you and I will go with HIV. That is the difference.

The day will come that HIV wil become less important to you.
Yes, you will have moments of despair, but don't we all, HIV pos or neg have them in our lives?
So many people have back-aches, or intestinal problems.
My sister has chronic fatigue syndrome, not a joke I assure you.

But the basic questions of why we are here and were we go remain the same.

Getting older will make you wiser. I know.

If I can reach my hand to guide you a bit on this path, take it. Together it is a bit easier.

With friendship,


As someone on Meds since 1988 I can try to give you my perspective.

I have an engineering background, so my way of dealing with hiv has been to learn all I can about it, meds, etc. This can become obsessive waiting for the next blood test result, etc.  I know you've heard it before, but the best way to stop obsessing about HIV is to keep busy. Exercise more, get a dog or cat or other pet that will engage or distract you. I find pc games like the Myst series have been helpful when I find myself unable to think about anything but HIV.

I've had to change meds several times, once due to virologic failure, and the other times due to side effects.  My anxiety spikes up during these episodes, but the good news is that there are now so many medication options that if you have to change meds you will be able to switch to another combo that will work.  Each time I need to convince myself again that things will be ok.

I've been living with HIV for 25+ years and my doctor says I'll have a normal lifespan, and you need to believe that you will too.

Love and Peace

Herman & Paul,  Thanks...   

You know, generally I am very optomistic and I get that from my doctor and people I choose to listen to here on the boards.   I wish I could just have "it" (hope) injected into one arm, while they are removing the blood from the other.  I appreciate both of you who have gone ahead a bit and come back to offer and share your experience.   I am fevorishly trying to outclimb this!


As someone only 5 months into this and already on meds I can identify with what you are asking Eric.  I look at Jan 9 as the day my life changed, or my perspective on my life changed.  I realize I don't think about it as often as I did. I know that the anxiety isn't as great as it was before.  But it is always there, always in the back of my mind.  And the same things you mentioned.  As you know I"ve had some major issues getting on the meds.  It has really cause me to begin to question my belief in my doctor.  I know that one of my meds is known for the PM and I often wonder if some of what I'm experencing is related to that.  I guess the most frustrating thing for me is that despite all that is known, I haven't been able to get many answers.  I've felt a bit isolated and kind of like I've been on my own.  I've tried to find out all I can about this disease and the meds.  I've leaned on many people here for support. So maybe what you are experiencing and what I"m experiencing is just normal for those of us that are new.  And Will hasn't had to face the meds yet.  His body had taken care of things in a different manner.  And hopefully he won't have to face that for a long time.  But for those of us who are there, swallowing those pills every day, trusting our continued health to them and the doctors, we have a very different set of circumstance.  Maybe it isnt' that we are wired differently, maybe we just have a different set of inputs right now.  Take care my friend.  If you get it figured out, be sure and let me know. 


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