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Newly diagnosed, numb and bewildered...

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JPinLA:
Hi all...I was recently diagnosed as HIV+ (Nov 28 2006).  I have to say that I am a completely numb these days.  I do not want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to have it.  I have distracted myself with the mundane daily tasks of life (commuting to work, working, coming home, walking the dog, cooking dinner..).  Frankly the rote has been so much more satisfying for the pastfew weeks than it has ever been.  The first few days I cried with my partner, talked to my closest sisters and two friends.  Then I just shutdown.  After my diagnosis by my primary care physician (just for Abs) I made an appt. at what I have heard is one of the best HIV primary care medical practices in Los Angeles (that was on Monday, Dec. 11).  My viral load is 5,784 (they drew more blood for the T-cell count since my former physician ordered the viral load test without the T-cell test) and thus far no medications. 
I have a partner of 9 years who is for now negative (he was tested Oct 28) and who hopefully remain that way (he will be tested next month again).  He has been my rock.  He has only love, support and unconditional understanding.  My greatest fear is that he will be positive too.  I am not certain what to expect.  I have not been sick for at least 2 years.  I haven't even had a cold.  My diagnosis was caught as part of a yearly physical.  I feel so oddly detached from my status and at the same time I feel like it has consumed me. I mostly feel like I let myself ans so many people down.  I feel hypocritical for volunteering for so many years for HIV/AIDS educational programs and outreaches.

It must seem like I'm rambling, but it's comforting to get it off my chest. I have a therapist that is helping me on my way, but this venue is so much more therapeutic to me knowing that you all have a similar perspective.  I am looking forward to using this site and to getting to know you all.

Happy holidays.. 

Queen Tokelove:
JP,

I'm sorry you tested poz. Welcome to the forums, this is a great place to learn things and to vent when things seem a bit overwhelming. What you are feeling is normal but it's great that you have a good support system set up with your family, partner, and therapist.

I know you are worried about your partner's health but just take it one day at a time. If he should become poz which I hope he doesn't, I'm sure you will be there for him like he is for you. There are couples here that are -/+ and will probably be able to give you more insight.

Don't feel like a hypocrite because you worked for HIV/AIDS programs, you were there to help and I hope you continue to do so. YOU did not let anyone down. It will take some time to getting use to things but it will be ok. I hope to hear more from you in the future...Again welcome..

Eldon:
Hello JPinLA...

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV. Due to the shock and other concerns that are evident, you will have a mixture of different emotions running through you. When you shut down, that is the time where your mind is processing and digesting all that has occurred at this point in your life. Spending time with yourself helps you to sort things out and to address the areas that are most concern to you.

You have your BF which is your rock. It is GOOD that you have him for unconditional love, support, understanding, and communication. It takes time for this to be absorbed. I only want to encourage you that it will. Acceptance is a major factor in all of this. When you reach this point you will know. In the mean time, try to stay as calm as possible, keep your stress levels down and monitor your current health. Anxiety causes physical and mental symptoms just as well. May I reassure you that you are still in control of your life.

In my own way, I wish to extend to you a WARM WELCOME here at the AM forums. Here you will find the encouragement, communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions relating to HIV/AIDS answered.

The Handshake Of Reassurance

We have a great group of Real People who will listen as well as answer you. We are here to Encourage, Learn, and Help one another as we all walk on our journey in this life.

With the consideration of implementing a Positive Mental Attitude, it will also assist you on your journey in this life as well as having a Positive Impact on your immune system and your overall health.

In fact, through your Positive Mental Attitude, it will help you push forward through ALL of the obstacles on your path that you are now walking on.

Talking and sharing our experiences with other people helps us see that we are not the only ones with problems. Feel free to come and vent with whatever is on your mind from time-to-time.

Often the act of writing and the ability to “SEE” your feelings leads to therapeutic insights and solutions..

In the interim, you may want to start taking a multi-vitamin, and some Omega 3, because it is all up to YOU where YOU want to be.

Exercise at least three times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes per day, as this will do you good to help keep that unnecessary stress away.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"

suzieque:

     Hello,
         Love and hugs to you!! This is a great place to share and not feel alone. I am in a pos/neg relationship and would be happy to talk to you about this, or anything else. You WILL come through this time! Life can still be wonderful!! Be kind to yourself. Lovely that you have a loving a supportive partner.
                    Best, best wishes :)
                              Suzie

jordan:
JP:

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis and what occurred on my birthday (Nov 28).  Having been diagnosed myself in February of this year, I can only assure you that things do get better with time, love, and tenderness.

Like you, I was not sick (not even a cold) for two years before I noticed a swollen lymph node on my neck - the last thing I thought it would be is that I was HIV positive.  Especially, since I had stopped drinking two years prior and rarely dated.  However, I was in for the shock of my life - that which I feared the most had indeed come true.

Looking back now, I can honestly say that I have awakened from my fog and truly I am showing up more fully for life - in that aspect it's a blessing.  Remember, every cloud has a silver lining and even though you can't change the past you choose to not let it prevent you from living in the present!

Having been where you are at, I can speak from experience.  The important thing I would let you know is to have faith and maintain the best attitude you can - when your mind starts to think negative thoughts swtich gears and affirm something good.

I think back now and the first week I found out I literally thought I was going to die the next day.  I was filled with horrible thoughts and the worst fears. It is not the end of the world, it's only a new chapter in your life.

The dazed and confused feeling will eventually subside.  Just believe that with faith and a great attitude you will still be able to do everything you are doing.

Peace,

Jordan

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