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It hurts so much.............. Week 2

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Hey Adonis.  I am not sure how far I have evolved and I have had a fair share of adversity.  I find there are times that I still could  use close supervision by a responsible adult.  Had I had that a few months ago I would not be a poz today you know.

Seems to me that this forum is as spiritual a place as I have come across.  Awesome folks here! 

I was scrolling down through the messages on this thread.  Seems to me the folks here are all pretty spiritual.   IHAVEHOPE, what do you think is the thing about you that has drawn all these awesome folks to you??????  Interesting thought, isn't it!


We all like to say that since we've been poz a long time and know everything that it's not the end of the world, that the sadness will abate and that you can deal with this.  We all have been there.  We all survived. 

I don't think that makes it any easier.   When you look at yourself in the mirror, look deep.  Look at your eyes, dried and red from tears.  How do you feel?  Deep inside there is a person trying to come to terms with the handful of lousy cards he has just been dealt.  There is so much advice floating around that what you are feeling is normal and OK.  What does that mean?  How does it make it easier?  You are a human being.. you are dealing with pain, loss, the intimate realization that you are suddenly mortal. 

But, my friend, you ARE alive...   keep looking.  The pain is great, but it makes you human.  When you learn that you are strong enough to deal with this lousy hand .... you will find, I hope, that you are blessed with a family who undoubtedly loves you and friends and family you love as well. 

There is no right answer.  No reassurances can make you feel that this will all be OK.  But if you look and don't turn away... you can face yourself and your fears and give an honest answer to the question "there is a way to deal with this without losing my humanity.  Do I have it inside of me to find it?"

Well after sharing a PM with you I find this post. Now I can get a clearer picture of you. First of all, that hurt that you feel at the beginning should go away with time. I got over it quickly because I kept moving forward and giving hiv very little thought. I was too busy for that crap. I have lived normally for 21 years being positive and I do have my appointments and labs and I do take my meds just like I take my vitamins each day. You just make it a habit to take better care of your health and continue through life as a negative person does. Don't hold back because you are positive. The hell with worries about what's going to happen next. Don't even clouden your mind in thinking about your appearance changes in the next coming years. You are beautiful no matter what, and that image should be in your mind always. You ARE NOT the hiv. It is only a part of you like having a Siamese brother or sister attached to you. You are the boss and not the hiv. Keeping healthy is your best weapon. And when you do get sick, just take your meds and get over it. You must be strong and that will keep you going like it has me and many others on this thread. We are fighters and no enemy like hiv is knocking us down, yet.
Disclose only if you think your relatives are not going to overreact. If you don't think it will be accepted without a fuss, keep it to yourself until the moment is right. I personally have kept the secret for 21 years to myself and have reached a point where it is no longer necessary to mention. I look and feel great so why should I spoil other peoples tranquility who then are going to be more worried that I am. I even forget for days that I'm positive and even get confused of my medications thinking they are all vitamins that get me going. Really, it's very hard at the beginning and it might make you mature quickly because we start seeing life from a different perspective than non positive people. We do LIVE each minute conscious of everything we make out of each second. Don't waste your time feeling miserable because life is too precious to waste. My way of thinking did not come in an instant, it came after my times of deep thought and I too have had my share of "suffering" being positive. It might have been different if I had found someone or someplace like this forum to get my fears and questions out. This is the best place to hide and talk about your hiv status. I don't mean hide as in embarrassed or something like that. I mean by "hide" in meeting in "private" and feeling free to talk without being judged. Take advantage of this web page and it will be easier for you to get through the initial phase. And feel free to email me if you feel a bit down. Step #1 Make your "health" your priority in life and when the time comes to begin your meds, just take them and make the routine as many of us here. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Keep in touch on this web page... ;) I'm sending you my "Happy Cat" to keep you company! ;D

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