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It hurts so much.............. Week 2

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Ihavehope:
I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

Unfortunately or Fortunately I live very close to my parents and sisters. I was diagnosed on December 6 with HIV. At first I was numb then fear and now hopelessness. What hurts the most is to look at my parents eyes and sisters eyes and pretend like nothing is wrong. I have bags under my eyes for not being able to sleep for more than a week. They have noticed and I haven;t been able to eat. I read so many articles that say that better treatment is avaiable and being studied but I am afraid of BOTH starting meds and not starting meds.

I am so confused. I am so down that numb that I dont know if emotionally I will feel any better. I am so afraid to tell anyone but I feel like people will start to notice the decline of weight and the way I act that it will be inevitable.

Why can't these Pharma co.s hurry up and get us better treatment.

   

woodshere:
Ihavehope,

What a great name.  It reflects us all.  You have received some life changing news.  However it is definately not the end.  Take a deep breath, in all likelyhood you are going to be around these forums a long time!!!

If you just tested HIV+, your probably don't know what your CD4 count & percentage is as well as what your viral load is.  It might be your numbers are great and indicate starting meds will be no time soon. Or you might be where I was this part March and had no choice but to start immediately.  Regardless of when you start the great thing is that they do help.  Sure there are side effects for some and for others like myself there have been none. 

If anything testing positive has changed my outlook on life.  I feel better than I have in a long time both mentally and physically.

I wish I could tell you what to say to your family, but I can't.  That is something you must feel your way through.  I would definitely not tell them anything until you have a clearer picture of your health and can better understand where your life is now and where it is going. 

One final thought, check out these forums they are great.  You can learn so much.
The Best to You,
Woods

Longislander:
Hey, good thing you found aidsmeds. This place will be a sanity saver for you, look around and read. Post what you're thinking and feeling and get comfortable.

Take your time in deciding who to disclose to, if anyone at all yet.
Get an appt, and get lab results first!
I was infected just over a year ago, and tested positive 12/10/06. My lab results are below my signature. I'm not on meds yet. I thought EXACTLY the way you did. The only reason people suspected anything was amiss was in the way I acted. If I didn't at least change that  when in front of people, the jig would have been up!Get ahold of your sanity and your emotions first, then deal with the rest of it.

I wish you the best. Let us help you.

Paul

PositivelyYours:
Hello Ihavehope,

It is unfortunate that you have tested positive.  It wasn't too long ago that I experienced the same feelings.   I tested positive on August 10, 2006.  I received my bad news over the telephone while at work. It was the worst day of my 35 years on this earth.  Just as my friend Woodshere said, It is not the end of the world. Sure you are HIV positive but you aren't the only one - All of us are positive.  We are all in this until the bitter end!  When I found out about my results, I called a friend and told him first.  He has been positive since 1995.  I also called and told another friend who has been positive since 1988.  All I am saying is take some time for yourself and get adjusted to this new chapter in your life.  What helped me is I took three days and mourned about my status.  After those three days I started thinking this thing through, reading as much information as possible and talking to my friends who have been positive for many years.  You will with God's help find the strength to overcome your fears, thoughts and any other emotions you are experiencing.  As for the medication, I am currently not on medication. My first set of labs my cd4 was: 240/VL 39,000, Second lab results: cd4: 359/VL 50,000 and my Third set of labs: cd4 509/VL 76,000.  I know the time will come when I will have to have medication to fight this virus for me.  My doctor and I have discussed Atripla and I think that is the med that I will start.  My advice to you is to take a deep breath and take one day at a time.  When the time is right - You will share this new chapter in your life with friends and family.  Disclosure should be an afterthought until you have had time to accept your illness.   Please feel free to send me a private message or hit me up anytime.  We are all praying and wishing you well.

PositivelyYours

Eldon:
Hello Ihavehope...

Your screen name says it all. Truly, this is a shock to you as to find out your status of being positive. In fact, it is an uncomfortable feeling. It does get better as you work through this newly added portion to your life.

BREATHE!!!

Now, take it one day at a time. Right now, you are in the middle of acceptance and readjusting to this impact on your life. There are a number of different emotions that you are experiencing and it takes time to sort through them all.

Here, you have the OUTLET that is needed in order to talk about your feelings that you have inside of you. We all can relate to what you are experiencing as we have all gone through that initial stage of shock. You are not alone. Remember that.

ANYTHING you need to talk about, feel comfortable to come here and do so.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... Cause it is ALL within you to WIN!"

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