Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 25, 2014, 06:33:19 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23787
  • Latest: rvarona
Stats
  • Total Posts: 643584
  • Total Topics: 48969
  • Online Today: 203
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 9
Guests: 132
Total: 141

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Poll

Please read the post before registering an answer.

1 year
3 (18.8%)
1-2 years
0 (0%)
3-4 years
1 (6.3%)
5 or more
3 (18.8%)
I don't know what you're talking about.
0 (0%)
I'm still not found.
9 (56.3%)

Total Members Voted: 16

Author Topic: Thoughts on my two year anniversary  (Read 1679 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« on: December 12, 2006, 02:03:19 AM »
Reflecting on my two year anniversary which I had forgotten, until I read about LongIslander's 1 year anniversary, I marvel at the journey I have taken.  It has been long, lonely, and despite losing myself several times along the way, I managed to stay on the path.  To be honest, I can't believe that I'm still here.  I think of the people who have taken it before me, who have lost their way, and themselves - and those who are just starting.

I have a great many intellectual coping mechanisms, which protect me.  They have allowed me to rationalize the abandonment issues of my family, the deaths of those people closest to my heart, and the hurt that I still hold close.  I've even been able to rationalize the HIV diagnosis.

In my first year, I embraced my positive diagnosis as a newly self-identified homosexual would his first pride parade.  I joined all the clubs, ADAP, The Sonoma County Department of Public Health, the Tuesday afternoon support group and even the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  After all, I was making a proactive effort to make worthwhile changes to my life, changes that would help me to live longer, right?

Unfortunately, the death of my sister, six months into my proactive health project, was enough to break the tough shell I had created to protect me from the realities of my diagnosis and my ability to cope with the truths that I had to face.  I lost myself.

If you've ever experienced losing yourself, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  You're kind of dead yet alive.  Nothing matters anymore.  You find no joy in anything that you used to be happy doing.  Working seems pointless and without gain.  Friends no longer interest you.  And you're trapped within a body that does things that always seem foreignly distant to you, with no fervor or enjoyment.  Suddenly, you find that you've become a friendless zombie.

I was lost for over a year.  In that time, I lost my job, did drugs, moved away, gave away all my possessions, sabotaged ALL of my relationships, and found myself smack in the middle of where I never expected to be.  More recently, though, this past week, I woke up where I never expected to be, and I found myself again.  I am no longer lost.

It's been a terribly rough journey, and I'm surprised to have emerged still in tact.  I am assuming that it is a journey that all high fivers, to some degree, must take.  I wonder, though, when did you arrive?

-joseph
« Last Edit: December 12, 2006, 02:04:56 AM by Strayboy74 »

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2006, 02:33:23 AM »
Hi Joseph,

You took the time to look within and you found yourself from ALL of the experiences that have been. In this life on the road that we travel, many of us tend to realize that it ALL does really matter. As we sit by ourselves in our chairs with despair, we tend to ponder about it and we find our newness of our life like the winds of fresh air.

In this life, there are roads that we travel. As we travel these roads there are many different experiences that we encounter. With these experiences there is a reason for these encounters. These encounters are to teach us as we grow as a person and to assist us as we grow as a person. In fact, through these experiences it makes us even stronger as a person than we were before. 

It is GOOD that you have found yourself again, especially where you have been.

Thank you for being open and sharing this with us, as it is a refreshing, rejuvinating thing that you have done after the weight has been lifted off from your shoulders for you as one. Welcome back.


"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... cause it is all within you to WIN!"

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2006, 06:40:19 AM »
Joseph, I am glad that you are no longer lost.  My path has been inconsistent except in that I feel lost anytime I do not hear the voice of the writer in me talking.  As long as I know that I can find that voice, despite whatever else is going on, I can write my way back to myself.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2006, 07:31:37 AM »
Hey Joseph - Thanks for the poll - I voted "Still haven't found myself" LOL.  :D I'm glad you had a good week  :) Sending well-wishes to you for "more of the same"


Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2006, 07:46:43 AM »


   Joseph,

       This kind of hit home for me.   I voted "Still have not found myself"..  I related to your story so much and still feel dead inside, but yet am so full of life.   My desires and aspirations which have alluded me this last year are slowly creeping back into my thinking.  It has definitely involved a lot of soul searching... and yes my rationalization, which sometimes is not such a good thing.

       I am glad things have gotten better for you and hope your progress continues.   Goodluck!

      Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline joemutt

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,042
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2006, 08:19:15 AM »
Joseph I can relate; I did well, meds health and living wise 97 to 2001
and then my godmother died and I closed myself off from hurt and so
from life. Only since 2005 I 've slowly come back, more so since finding
this place in January, so here's to wishing all of us to heal and be and feel
wonderful.

Offline marco23

  • Member
  • Posts: 392
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2006, 10:50:54 AM »
Hi Joseph,

the first year was a struggle for me also, I too was a walking zombie BUT 12 years later-  I'm alive and kickin'.  Happy Anniversary!  Here' to many more!  :D  You've got a beautiful and joyful journey ahead of you sure you might have a couple of rocks along the way but that's when you kick them aside and keep walking w/ your head up, a smile on your face and some friends here to join you on that journey and hold your hand...
Don't hide your hurt, pain and feelings inside..for they will harden your heart.

Offline Amosboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 156
  • Music is the panacea.
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #7 on: December 12, 2006, 03:38:58 PM »
Never forget that you are a survivor and LIVING proof of that.  You spent much less time in the dark than I did.  Your willingness to share is a firm testament to that fact.  Most people want to be that way.  It just takes some people longer to get there.  I'm lucky that I didn't die from so much denial and self-medication "illegal", that is.  Consider yourself way ahead of the game  ;D

Cheers!
"Love isn't love unless it's not painfully absurb."

-Charlotte Martin

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2006, 05:27:50 PM »
Hi Joseph,  first off I'm happy to read that you woke up in a new place just recently. ;D Things have been rough for you since I know you.
I answered 1 year, for obvious reasons. I'm not dead.  I'm not ill. After diagnosis a year ago, I never fell into a pit anywhere near as far as you and some others. But it was deep enough that I did indeed feel like I was just walking through the day, and what needed doing. Nothing extra. My couch became my life.
I'm back to the same me before diagnosis as of this moment, 1 year later.

Here's to a happy, healthier future for you.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2006, 05:31:51 PM »
I never fell into a pit anywhere near as far as you and some others. But it was deep enough that I did indeed feel like I was just walking through the day, and what needed doing. Nothing extra. My couch became my life.
I'm back to the same me before diagnosis as of this moment, 1 year later.

Careful!

I was doing fine, too, until my sister's death - which was a pivot point for me.  Who knows.... although I'm in a different place now, and I'm not feeling dead inside, it doesn't mean I won't feel that way again.  I hope I'm out of the woods.

-joseph

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2006, 05:36:07 PM »
I have hope and faith that you can overcome anything at this point. Just one day at a time.

My dad died 2 weeks after my diagnosis (xmas eve), so I think that helped put and keep me in the state I was in for a few months. Thankfully the strength to keep walking came .
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,642
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2006, 09:38:49 PM »
Happy Anniversary Joseph, and congratulations.

Here's to many more.   :-*
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #12 on: December 12, 2006, 10:59:07 PM »
Happy Anniversary Joseph, and congratulations.

Here's to many more.   :-*

Alan, yer a sweetheart.   My Tennessee mountain roots make me want to hump you like a wicked stepcousin for sayin such a thing. :) 

*hug*

-joseph

Offline JohnOso

  • Member
  • Posts: 816
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2006, 07:52:25 AM »
Joseph,

I'm glad you're out of the woods.   Very glad.

xxx,
John
PS The Sisters, huh?  ;)

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: Thoughts on my two year anniversary
« Reply #14 on: December 14, 2006, 12:11:21 PM »
Joseph,

I'm glad you're out of the woods.   Very glad.

xxx,
John
PS The Sisters, huh?  ;)

John-

Thank you.  Yeah, the sisters.  I helped raise a lot of money for them! :)  I also planned some wicked events.  but that was long ago and far away.

-joseph

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.