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Author Topic: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?  (Read 2219 times)

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Offline racingmind

  • Member
  • Posts: 236
Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« on: December 07, 2006, 01:11:34 PM »
I got my diagnosis on Sept. 7th....since then I have been to the ID doctor several times, signed up with an ASO and got a caseworker (who I have met once and talked to on the phone once) and got assigned a therapist that I see once a week...
I met a friend through the personals on here that was diagnosed around the same time I was and we have communicated a lot both through email and the phone...and we met yesterday for lunch to meet in person for the first time....
I feel like I am doing everything I can to help myself both physically and mentally. I have a supportive bf who feels helpless when I am upset or not feeling all that well.
Last night as we lay in bed trying to fall asleep, for no apparent reason, I started to cry....my bf says he wishes he could do something more for me.....I tell him that it's me..not him.  He hugs and kisses me and we eventually fall asleep.

This morning I cried in the shower.....I don't know what the hell is the matter with me.  I thought that I had accepted things the way they are and the way they will be....I feel like such a baby.  The more I think about it, I think that I am just scared, and possibly in mourning for all the intangible things that I lost three months ago.

I was feeling pretty good a few weeks ago, everything seemed fine, I was feeling good and had my mind occupied with other things.....but now I feel I am backsliding.  I really thought the crying stage was over.  I guess I was wrong. 
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline skeebo1969

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  • Posts: 5,705
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2006, 01:32:38 PM »


   Take it easy you are only 3 months into this journey my friend :)   I was diagnosed September 14 of last year and I still have bouts of good hard cries.   The sadness, fear, anxiety, and stress of it all will lessen in time.   Educate yourself on what you don't know for the time being, I found a lot of my fears to be unfounded.   You are doing the right thing by coming here and posting about it.  Just understand that it will get better.

   Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline MSPspud

  • Member
  • Posts: 613
  • Joined Mar 2005 - Formerly UofMurbs
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2006, 01:54:40 PM »
I agree with Thomas that things will get better for you.  Thinking back on it, I don't think I cried until 9 or 10 months into it when I got my second labs and saw a decline in all my counts.  I guess that's when I realized I wasn't superman and that this was real.  We're all different and hopefully the time you're taking to mourn now will enable you to be stronger when it's time to make decisions.  You've got time.  And (as we say time and again), you're life is far from over.  What you actually lose from this disease is what you allow it to take. 

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2006, 02:10:20 PM »
In my experience those "instant cries" are the result of panic attacks and anxiety.  Discuss them with your therapist and hopefully he will have you get something if needed from a psychiatrist.  It's a big change and it's normal to freak out -- don't beat yourself up about it.  I'm sure your BF somewhat recognizes this. 

Everyone deals with this differently.  I cried for a few days and then yanked myself off the floor and said crying wasn't going to help me deal with it.  That helped a little though I probably had a few more cries later.  They eventually stopped.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline woodshere

  • Member
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  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2006, 02:29:59 PM »
It is very natural to cry for all kinds of reasons.  Lord knows now so more than ever.  So it might be just a grieving time and will soon pass.  However it might be something more.  I have yet to cry about being diagnosed HIV+.  I have about other things, job, stress, family.  I found myself standing in the shower crying for not wanting to go to work.  At my last ID doc appointment we discussed my depression and I was prescribed an anti-depressant.  Things are going really well now I am better able to handle all of life - HIV, job, stress, family.  Might check it out.
Best to you,
Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline puertorico2006

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  • Posts: 957
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2006, 02:36:58 PM »
You have to try and accept things for what they are. Crying is good for letting out internal emotions when they build up,,,but talking also helps. The less emotions you repress the less you'll feel like crying (at least for me anyways). I was diagnosed about 2 months ago, its hard but you have to try and accept things for what they are, and make the best of it (probably a good thing i was already on wellbutrin when i found out). If youve sifted through your emotions, youve dont hold anything in, and you dont feel better soon you may be clincally depressed (which happens when things like this happen and you may need more help).

I found that reading, educating and knowing more makes it seem a lot less scary. EXERCISE is what saves me though; those endorphins after running 2 miles, or lifting weights and getting stronger make me feel much better also. Give it a try if you are healthy enough ;-)

Eat right also....eating crap makes you feel like poo (i get in a bad mood and emotionally unstable if i get sugar drops hehehe)

anyways hope you feel better soon and stay strong  :-*
Infected Probably: may 2005
Diagnosed: 11/2006

11/28/2006 CD4:309 / VL: 1907 No meds yet
12/27/2006 CD4:339/  VL:1649 No meds yet
  4/28/2007 CD4:550/  VL:1800 No meds :-)

Offline SirPrize

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  • SirPrize!
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2006, 02:50:13 PM »
Grieving is a normal process after diagnosis.  Intense emotional pain is not uncommon  and actually supports rather than restricts your emotional healing.  You may also experience a sense of grieving that can re-surface from time to time for years or it can suddenly sneak up and surprise you out of the blue.

It’s impossible to predict the course of your grieving.  And yet … life goes on and appreciation for it can grow.  Along the way (personally speaking) the burden becomes lighter—perhaps because you grow stronger.  Eventually, you regain meaning and purpose in life even as you continue to feel the loss.
Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off!

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2006, 03:00:56 PM »
Your feelings and how you react to these, sound perfectly normal to me...  I would think something suspect if you did not move through this time in your life reacting the way you do... Trick of it - "Your moving through"....  Let the tears fly, the emotions run wild...   Its that rollercoaster and we have all barfed up quite a bit of emotion while riding that motha... 

It will get easier,  but its going to take some time......

Love   

Offline racingmind

  • Member
  • Posts: 236
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2006, 05:13:52 PM »
thanks everyone...I am glad that I depend on you guys to put things in perspective and offer kind words...
this place means so much....
Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2006, 05:27:40 PM »
Racingmind,

Three months post diagnosis you don't need any reason to cry. Just let it out. It's part of a perfectly normal grief you're going through. Even after 18 years I still have my moments. Like sometimes when I'm filling my pill box for the week, for example. Suddenly I will realise my eyes are filling up for no apparent reason.

In time these episodes will happen to you less and less. In the meantime, try not to be too hard on yourself.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2006, 06:46:21 PM »
Racingmind.  As you have seen, we have lot's of people, good people, here in the forums and yet each of us will have a different story to tell about when and how things hit us.  I think that I went into shock back in 1986, but not when I got the news over the phone (got this?) at work.  I simply thanked the medical office and went back to work.  It hit later in NYC in a park.  It hit because my then boyfriend who was and is negative had such a hard time with the news, couldn't deal with it or the subject.  It hit me and hits me when I watch a movie about hiv/AIDS.  So in my case, it wasn't months of teary reaction, but unexpected times of it.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2006, 09:53:20 PM »
Hey Racingmind,

It has been a short while since your diagnosis. It does take some time for you to adjust to the newly added events in your life. It is good that you have touched base with the ASO and talked with a case worker. It is even better that you also have a therapist in which you have for your access to go and talk to.

There was a reason that you have met your new friend through the personals. In some way shape of form he is in your life for a reason. In fact, it is good to interact with someone else who is also positive. You both can relate on kind of the same level because you both are going through a similar situation.

There could be a number of reasons for your uncontrollable crying. I too went through that phase. From my experience, it is mainly because I wanted the best outcome of the situation. This too shall pass.

There is a lot of emotions that come along with a diagnosis. Try not to let these emotions consume you but to allow them to flow as these tears are of a cleansing of the soul in nature.

Just keep in mind that everyone is on your side and they are there in your life to help you. They are part of your support system. You are not alone on this journey.

Just take it one day at a time as you continue to walk along your journey in this life.

Happy Holidays!

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2006, 10:04:18 PM »
Racingmind,

Hmm, I should've thought of that name because my mind never rests.. :D I agree with everything everyone else had said, so there is no need to repeat. Just to let you know, you are not alone with the tears. I cried and cried and cried til I got tired of crying. After a disappointing doc appointment, I'm on the verge of tears. There's no shame in crying. I hope you feel better soon. ((((Hugz)))
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #13 on: December 08, 2006, 08:05:05 AM »
Hi Racing,

I didn't cry for the first couple weeks. Then one day I was defrosting my freezer - it needed to be done and I figured it would keep my mind off things. I got impatient and started chipping at the ice with a knife, but at the back the ice wasn't as thick as it looked. I put the knife right through ... dunno, something important and the whole fridge was trashed and I didn't have spare cash for a new one. I calmly put the knife down, walked into the living room and collapsed in a heap of tears. Stayed there crying my eyes out for a couple hours.

What started out as crying about the fridge soon turned into crying about hiv, my past and my future. I'd like to say I felt better after but I didn't. My head hurt, my eyes hurt and my sinuses were more backed up than the Washington Bridge at rush hour. Sheesh! It took more than a day for my head to feel clear again - and I don't mean mentally. That took months, but I got there in the end. You will too. I had lots of mini-cries once the dam burst and they always left me feeling a little lighter. But that first one? Ouch!

Hang in there....

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mike

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  • Posts: 30
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #14 on: December 08, 2006, 08:18:01 PM »
I've just celebrated my first anniversary, i haven't cried once, felt regret and sorry for myself a few times but didn't get to the boohoo stage ( nothing wrong with boohooing though )
Actually i lie, i did cry once, thinking about all those people in the pre HAART era and what they suffered and what a bitch it must have been for those friends and family who survived them to then see the miracle drugs come popping on to the market after their loved ones had lost their fights.

Offline rayvjr

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    • Just Tested Positive.Com
Re: Three months to the day....why am I still crying?
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2006, 09:35:52 PM »
It's been over a year and I cried like a baby the other night.  I guess these feelings will come and go as they please.  It's okay to cry...it's gonna happen, just cry and let those emotions free.  No shame in that...

 


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