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Author Topic: Joseph and Jena Part 2  (Read 3563 times)

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Offline Jena

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  • Posts: 101
  • To God Be The Glory!
Joseph and Jena Part 2
« on: June 10, 2006, 09:42:13 AM »
Good Morning Family
 First I want to again thank all of you who have taken the time to send me messages and encouragement and advice this week. Please know that I have read and reread every one of them and have  taken all of your words to my heart. Joseph and I and my kids have had a  great week. He is patient and attentive to them and they like him too. Joseph and I have talked so much this week, about our selves, our dreams and desires, our futures, both singularly and together. He picked up right away on my hesitation and feeling that things were moving way too fast. He told me he feels like  I am the woman he has been searching for all his life and he wants to  persue that possibility. When he saw the look of panic and disbelief on my face he backed up and apologized for his " forwardness" He told me a lot of things about his past that both fascinated me and  appal ed me. He has had a very hard life, being a black man living in Brooklyn and Harlem most of his life. He was involved in some  things as a younger man that cost him dearly, but he paid his dues and decided to take charge of his life and  make a new start. He went to college and got his Masters degree in Public Administration and has worked  for a coalition in Brooklyn where he is  the administrator of a huge homeless shelter network that houses and assists over 1500 individuals and families.  He has shown me proof of his degree and his resume and his employment. Why? Not because I asked but because he felt it was important to prove to me that he is who he says he is. So that being  said, why is he so anxious to move away from Brooklyn? Joseph has several adult children who live in NYC and Virginia but he also has a 10 year old son who lives in Brooklyn with his mother. This woman is a alcoholic and drug user and is HIV + ( which is how Joseph came to be +) Joseph is there for his son and wants  him to have a good life, away from the influences his mother exposes him too along with all the things that come with being a young black child living in  NYC. He  wants to move away with his son ( which his ex wife  has agreed to let him do)
 Joseph and I both know it is very important for everyones sake to make rational decisions and choices for ourselves and our children. He will be going back to Brooklyn on Monday morning to resign his position and get  his  belongings ready to move to Kentucky by the first of July. He has sent his resume to several places here and  feels confident that he will be able to find a position quickly. He has savings that he will use to live on until he is employed and stable again. Once that is secured he will go back and get his child. They will live in their own apartment and my children and I will continue to live here in our house of course.
 I have made no promises or commitments to Joseph, I have been honest with him ( after the  lie I told him in McDonald's about the phone call from the NJ guy) I have told him of my fear and uncertainty and he understands. We have agreed to just " see what happens" He knows I am apprehensive and concerned about his move here but assures me this is what he wants, both for him and Harleem and his career and also because he  wants to be close to me so that we can see what  the future holds for us. 
 Last night I took him to a special prayer service at my church. it was a very powerful experience for both of us who have very similar beliefs. We both felt God's presence and feel like we have been blessed.
 Today Joseph is taking my  8 year old son, Michael and my 15 year old son Aleic to get Michael a new bike and Aleic a new skate board. Both things the boys have been longing for and I have been struggling to save extra money to get for them. Joseph asked my permission before telling them about what he wants to do. At first, being the proud, independent woman I try so hard to be, I said NO WAY, but then realized  that this is NOT  something Joseph is doing to try to buy theirs or my affection, but something he truly wants to give them.
 So Family, I  guess this is where we stand as of today. Its been a remarkable week and I'm looking forward to whatever comes next. I am going to give Joseph the chance we both deserve and I honestly feel he  will be able to ease the pain in my heart left behind from that destructive relationship I have so long tried to free myself from.
Thank You all for  your love and support. You have been in my thoughts all though this  week and will continue to be my source of understanding and support. I haven't shared you with Joseph yet, mainly because this thread and your replies are personal and given to me because i know you care about me, but soon, I will introduce him to this forum and my wonderful family here.
Thank You All from the bottom of my heart!
Jena

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2006, 10:03:20 AM »
Dear Jena,

This is kind of a continuation of what I wrote in your previous thread before I learned you had begun a new one.

Again I say, #1 there's no rush.

The fact that you have lingering feelings about another guy who really stirred you up doesn't have to be a reason for not exploring a new relationship. Sometimes it turns out that kind of over-the-top and no-holds barred passion isn't such a good thing to live with. And the absence of it in another relationship doesn't mean the new relationship isn't for you.

Please undierstand me. I am not proselytizing for Joseph. He hasn't slipped me a few bucks or bought me a bike to act as his go-between.

See how things go. I cannot predict how this will go. Joseph can't be the other guy. But then the other guy can't be Joseph. The good news and the bad news is that you have to sort this out for yourself. And that's why I say take as much time as you need. Be gentle with yourself. That will help you to have the freedom to see what works and what doesn't. And of course keep private for yourself whatever you want to -- I'm referring to your conversations here. Learning about and keeping good boundaries is an essential part of making any relationship work. In fact, in making things work in general.

Cheers,
« Last Edit: June 10, 2006, 05:02:07 PM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Sdgirl

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  • Posts: 247
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2006, 10:22:09 AM »
Okay, am I the only one who thinks that Joseph is moving WAY TO FREAKIN FAST here???  What is the rush?  Moving to where you live after the first meeting?  Even if he says he understands where you are coming from, why the need for the big move? 

I want you to be happy Jena..............hell, we all deserve to be happy, but I am VERY concerned about the rush this man is in to move and start a new life where you are.  There is nothing wrong with waiting and see what happens.  I'm just worried and want you to really think about what this man is doing and more importantly WHY he is doing it. 

You don't know me and I don't know you, but I am truly concerned.  If it is meant to be, then it won't matter where Joseph lives.

Just my two cents worth

Lisa
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline RAB

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  • Joined March 2003
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2006, 10:29:04 AM »
Jena

I've followed these two threads very carefully.  I have been uncharacteristically quiet.   :-X

I don't know why I am feeling this high level of concern regarding this situation.  But the bottom line is that is exactly what I am feeling.

1.  I don't like the urgency of his move.
2.  I don't like the fact he's moving to Kentucky to protect his son from bad influence on one hand and to be closer to you on the other.
3.  I don't like the fact he's quitting his job before he has another.
4.  I don't like the fact that any stable, mature, responsible father would make this kind of decision after having only spent 5 or 6 days with you.  HELLO!  Getting to know someone, and deciding if there is enough commonality and compatable life goals, takes a whole lot longer.
5.  This seems to be driven more by his agenda/itinerary than yours.

Why in the heck isn't it possible for him to simply return to New York, continue working, raising his child, and you two see each other on trips back and forth?  Give it a 6 - 12 month trial period.  Then and only then would I think it's appropriate to start talking about a move to Kentucky.

I also don't like the purchasing of expensive presents for your kids. 

I'm a suspicious old cuss I'll admit, but I'm sensing the possibility of manipulation and intimidation.

Damn I hate saying these things.  I should be shot I suspect.

RAB


Offline Teresa

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2006, 10:42:21 AM »
I have the same concerns as the others above me. One thing that concerns me that wasnt mentioned is if he is so worried about the enviroment that his son is in..and he moves to where you are..why on earth would he leave his son behind until he had a job. It seems like he would secure all that...a job.. so he wouldnt have to be apart from his son.

Just something to think about. I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you.

Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Lisa

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2006, 10:46:12 AM »
Hi hon,
I was about to say what Rocky beat me to.
I will repeat again: If it all seems just too good to believe, then it probably is.
I concur wholeheartedly with what Lisa, and Rocky have said.
Too much whirlwind too fast. When you are the party involved, sometimes it is difficult to take an truly objective viewpoint.
The other really important thing I would caution you about is introducing him to us to quickly. Once you have done that, then you cannot ever come here for solace, or discuss your impressions of him, without running the risk of sabotage. We have seen this happen with a few of our brethren, and it was really painful to witness. I think you should keep us to yourself for a while, and proceed with extreme caution.
We care about you, and don't want to se you hurt. It just seems too perfect that he is trying so hard to prove all of these things so quickly. I just have a hinky intuition about this. Please be careful.
All my love,
Lisa

No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Robert

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  • Posts: 2,639
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2006, 11:01:56 AM »
Jena.

Like Rocky, I've been following your story and biding my time.  I agree with everything Rocky said.

Having said that, why not?

I met MIchael 26 years ago in a bar on a Thursday night.  I figured we were both just hooking up for the night.  That's all I wanted.  By the weekend he told me he was going to leave his boyfriend and commit himself to me.  I told him to slow down, I was in no hurry.  Two weeks later he had me convinced and we've been together ever since.

My Mother and Father were married within 3 months of their first date.   They were married for 57 years.

You've met the guy.  You've been around him long enough to get a good impression.  What do you think?

Good luck.
robert
..........

Offline Markmt

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  • Posts: 174
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2006, 11:52:15 AM »

 
 I have made no promises or commitments to Joseph, I have been honest with him.  I have told him of my fear and uncertainty and he understands. We have agreed to just " see what happens" He knows I am apprehensive and concerned about his move here but assures me this is what he wants, both for him and Harleem and his career and also because he  wants to be close to me so that we can see what  the future holds for us. 

----------------------------------

They will live in their own apartment and my children and I will continue to live here in our house of course.

----------------------------------
 
Its been a remarkable week and I'm looking forward to whatever comes next. I am going to give Joseph the chance we both deserve and I honestly feel he  will be able to ease the pain in my heart left behind from that destructive relationship I have so long tried to free myself from.



Jena, while I understand the concerns in the above posts, I get the feeling that there are two good points in what you have just stated.

*)The fact that Joseph will be renting his own apartment will defiantly give you both a breathing space to get to know each other no matter how long it takes. Its his decision to move and you should not be oblige to move things any faster just because he has decided it to move so quick.

*) Generally speaking you seem to have already accepted the situation and you feel pretty comfortable too. You sound like a sensible women and you would not easily build up such a feeling - meaning there must be something about it that is saying its well worth giving it a chance.

Just my opinion. I hope that all goes well and you both find the companionship that you deserve.

Take care,

mark
"Live to love and love to live."

Leo Buscaglia

Offline Iggy

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  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2006, 12:34:23 PM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 09:44:24 PM by Iggy »

Offline allanq

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2006, 02:58:43 PM »
Jena,

I agree with those who feel that Joseph is moving too fast in this matter. I don't like the idea of someone his age just totally re-making his life on the basis of a five-day visit with you. This is the kind of impulsive act that would be easier to understand in a person in his late teens or early twenties, but for a mature man, it doesn't sound right. You really do need more time together before he makes any major moves. I think it might be good if you could visit him in New York, so you can see more clearly what his life is like and perhaps meet his friends. I think you can tell you a lot about a person from his or her friends.

Allan
« Last Edit: June 10, 2006, 05:37:54 PM by allanq »
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Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 397
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2006, 03:23:24 PM »
U had made no promises ............
U will both have your individual housing ......
ONLY TIME CAN TELL, BUT STAY POSITIVE TILL PROVED OTHERWISE , good luck !!

if the crystal is real, it gives out little spots of rainbow colour when the sunlight shines on it. go out get 1 & hang it up by your window & enjoy it's rays
HERE IS HOPING U HAVE FOUND A REAL ONE  :-* :-*

Siang

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2006, 04:52:01 PM »
why is he so anxious to move away from Brooklyn?

I hope you find the real answer to that.

Being a Brooklyn resident myself I can throw in the fact that the cost of living here is higher than average. Do you know if hes a homeowner? Renter?

Sorry if I sound like a private eye

Offline Jena

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  • Posts: 101
  • To God Be The Glory!
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2006, 04:59:59 PM »
he lives in a small one bedroom apt that he pays 1100.00 a month for

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,885
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2006, 01:15:09 AM »
Hi Jena

Again I can't really add any more, I was glad to hear that he is getting his own apartment, and hopefully he will be able to find work soon...you sound happy at the moment and hopefully that will last, but just take it easy.
Like everyone else here my concerns are that he will try to push you into something you are not quite ready for just yet.
I also agree with Rab regarding presents for the kids..don't let him think he can buy his way into the family...I know that doesn't sound nice and I'm not trying to spoil this for you, I just want you to be carefull.

Whirl-wind romances can work for some but don't always work for others.
You know what's in your heart and how you feel..only you can make the final decision...just don't rush into it.

thinking of you

Hugs
Jan :-*


 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2006, 01:32:04 AM »
Keeping your relationship a little close to the vest also keeps you away from being troll bait. And yeah, we got em. And in a support forum, it stings when they bite.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find your happiness. God/dess knows there isn't much of that in this weary world.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline joemutt

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2006, 08:12:56 AM »
I might be a little thick jkinatl2 but where exactly do you see troll bait? I see a lot of support and a lot of concern, all of which is justified once you expose something as  intimate as a budding relationship out on a public forum. Jena, I wish everything works out fine for you.

Offline Christine

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2006, 06:47:50 PM »
Hi Jena,
I am happy that you and Joseph hit it off so well. But, please do not rush into anything to fast. His moving down does seem rushed. A few red flags went up for me also. I have a few questions. You don't have to answer them, just something for you to think about, and for Joseph to think about.

Will he have health coverage for he and his son if he is not employed?
What happens if the two of you do not work out, and he has moved away from his friends and family? Will he be able to create a support system for himself and his son?
What does his NY family think about him taking his son to Ky? Are there maternal grandparents/Aunts/Uncles in NY?
If Joseph were to become ill, who would care for his son? Would you be able to do that?

I know I sound like my Mother...forgive me. I want you to be happy, and in love. And I want you to be safe, and protective yourself and your kids. Everyone wants you to have both.
Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

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Offline ademas

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2006, 07:01:43 PM »
I, too, am suspicious by nature.
I'm with Rocky and friends.
It just seems so fast.
xox

Offline bobik

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #18 on: June 13, 2006, 05:39:43 PM »
Dear Jena,

reading your story you seem to be acting in a very intuitive way. Somehow I have the idea that your intuition is strong enough for you to decide wether you make good choiced. I don't know you that well but I think you are a very sensitive woman and I do know that very often intuitive choices are good ones. If Joseph is going too fast it sounds like that is something he has to deal with. You have kept your home, your private place.....

I believe in intuition and I very much hope that things will work out well.

Lots of luck for you and Joseph

Coen
Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline Joe K

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Re: Joseph and Jena Part 2
« Reply #19 on: June 13, 2006, 05:51:29 PM »
Dearest Jena,

You know that we want nothing more than for you to be happy and I'm not going to go into any long diatribe about any of this, but I must leave you with this food for thought.

Being a parent, how would you feel and how healthy for the child involved, to be ripped from his mother and moved half way around the world?  At 10, the distance between NYC and Kentucky is huge.  I understand the desire to do what is best for the boy, but his whole attitude is much too cavalier for me.

The reason I broach this, is that I was orphaned at a very early age so I know what abandonment feels like.  Like I said, my real concern here is for the son and I'd want some professional assurances that this won't mess the kid up for the next 3 decades. 

As a parent, the needs of his son, come before the needs of his heart.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

 


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