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Joseph and Jena Part 2

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Good Morning Family
 First I want to again thank all of you who have taken the time to send me messages and encouragement and advice this week. Please know that I have read and reread every one of them and have  taken all of your words to my heart. Joseph and I and my kids have had a  great week. He is patient and attentive to them and they like him too. Joseph and I have talked so much this week, about our selves, our dreams and desires, our futures, both singularly and together. He picked up right away on my hesitation and feeling that things were moving way too fast. He told me he feels like  I am the woman he has been searching for all his life and he wants to  persue that possibility. When he saw the look of panic and disbelief on my face he backed up and apologized for his " forwardness" He told me a lot of things about his past that both fascinated me and  appal ed me. He has had a very hard life, being a black man living in Brooklyn and Harlem most of his life. He was involved in some  things as a younger man that cost him dearly, but he paid his dues and decided to take charge of his life and  make a new start. He went to college and got his Masters degree in Public Administration and has worked  for a coalition in Brooklyn where he is  the administrator of a huge homeless shelter network that houses and assists over 1500 individuals and families.  He has shown me proof of his degree and his resume and his employment. Why? Not because I asked but because he felt it was important to prove to me that he is who he says he is. So that being  said, why is he so anxious to move away from Brooklyn? Joseph has several adult children who live in NYC and Virginia but he also has a 10 year old son who lives in Brooklyn with his mother. This woman is a alcoholic and drug user and is HIV + ( which is how Joseph came to be +) Joseph is there for his son and wants  him to have a good life, away from the influences his mother exposes him too along with all the things that come with being a young black child living in  NYC. He  wants to move away with his son ( which his ex wife  has agreed to let him do)
 Joseph and I both know it is very important for everyones sake to make rational decisions and choices for ourselves and our children. He will be going back to Brooklyn on Monday morning to resign his position and get  his  belongings ready to move to Kentucky by the first of July. He has sent his resume to several places here and  feels confident that he will be able to find a position quickly. He has savings that he will use to live on until he is employed and stable again. Once that is secured he will go back and get his child. They will live in their own apartment and my children and I will continue to live here in our house of course.
 I have made no promises or commitments to Joseph, I have been honest with him ( after the  lie I told him in McDonald's about the phone call from the NJ guy) I have told him of my fear and uncertainty and he understands. We have agreed to just " see what happens" He knows I am apprehensive and concerned about his move here but assures me this is what he wants, both for him and Harleem and his career and also because he  wants to be close to me so that we can see what  the future holds for us. 
 Last night I took him to a special prayer service at my church. it was a very powerful experience for both of us who have very similar beliefs. We both felt God's presence and feel like we have been blessed.
 Today Joseph is taking my  8 year old son, Michael and my 15 year old son Aleic to get Michael a new bike and Aleic a new skate board. Both things the boys have been longing for and I have been struggling to save extra money to get for them. Joseph asked my permission before telling them about what he wants to do. At first, being the proud, independent woman I try so hard to be, I said NO WAY, but then realized  that this is NOT  something Joseph is doing to try to buy theirs or my affection, but something he truly wants to give them.
 So Family, I  guess this is where we stand as of today. Its been a remarkable week and I'm looking forward to whatever comes next. I am going to give Joseph the chance we both deserve and I honestly feel he  will be able to ease the pain in my heart left behind from that destructive relationship I have so long tried to free myself from.
Thank You all for  your love and support. You have been in my thoughts all though this  week and will continue to be my source of understanding and support. I haven't shared you with Joseph yet, mainly because this thread and your replies are personal and given to me because i know you care about me, but soon, I will introduce him to this forum and my wonderful family here.
Thank You All from the bottom of my heart!

Andy Velez:
Dear Jena,

This is kind of a continuation of what I wrote in your previous thread before I learned you had begun a new one.

Again I say, #1 there's no rush.

The fact that you have lingering feelings about another guy who really stirred you up doesn't have to be a reason for not exploring a new relationship. Sometimes it turns out that kind of over-the-top and no-holds barred passion isn't such a good thing to live with. And the absence of it in another relationship doesn't mean the new relationship isn't for you.

Please undierstand me. I am not proselytizing for Joseph. He hasn't slipped me a few bucks or bought me a bike to act as his go-between.

See how things go. I cannot predict how this will go. Joseph can't be the other guy. But then the other guy can't be Joseph. The good news and the bad news is that you have to sort this out for yourself. And that's why I say take as much time as you need. Be gentle with yourself. That will help you to have the freedom to see what works and what doesn't. And of course keep private for yourself whatever you want to -- I'm referring to your conversations here. Learning about and keeping good boundaries is an essential part of making any relationship work. In fact, in making things work in general.


Okay, am I the only one who thinks that Joseph is moving WAY TO FREAKIN FAST here???  What is the rush?  Moving to where you live after the first meeting?  Even if he says he understands where you are coming from, why the need for the big move? 

I want you to be happy Jena..............hell, we all deserve to be happy, but I am VERY concerned about the rush this man is in to move and start a new life where you are.  There is nothing wrong with waiting and see what happens.  I'm just worried and want you to really think about what this man is doing and more importantly WHY he is doing it. 

You don't know me and I don't know you, but I am truly concerned.  If it is meant to be, then it won't matter where Joseph lives.

Just my two cents worth



I've followed these two threads very carefully.  I have been uncharacteristically quiet.   :-X

I don't know why I am feeling this high level of concern regarding this situation.  But the bottom line is that is exactly what I am feeling.

1.  I don't like the urgency of his move.
2.  I don't like the fact he's moving to Kentucky to protect his son from bad influence on one hand and to be closer to you on the other.
3.  I don't like the fact he's quitting his job before he has another.
4.  I don't like the fact that any stable, mature, responsible father would make this kind of decision after having only spent 5 or 6 days with you.  HELLO!  Getting to know someone, and deciding if there is enough commonality and compatable life goals, takes a whole lot longer.
5.  This seems to be driven more by his agenda/itinerary than yours.

Why in the heck isn't it possible for him to simply return to New York, continue working, raising his child, and you two see each other on trips back and forth?  Give it a 6 - 12 month trial period.  Then and only then would I think it's appropriate to start talking about a move to Kentucky.

I also don't like the purchasing of expensive presents for your kids. 

I'm a suspicious old cuss I'll admit, but I'm sensing the possibility of manipulation and intimidation.

Damn I hate saying these things.  I should be shot I suspect.


I have the same concerns as the others above me. One thing that concerns me that wasnt mentioned is if he is so worried about the enviroment that his son is in..and he moves to where you are..why on earth would he leave his son behind until he had a job. It seems like he would secure all that...a job.. so he wouldnt have to be apart from his son.

Just something to think about. I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you.



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