Main Forums > I Just Tested Poz

When should I tell my boyfriend??

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Joe K:
Hello Lost,

I am so very sorry that you had to find your way here, but you have come to a very powerful place.  I have been poz for 22 years and I still remember my first weeks after being diagnosed and everything you describe is perfectly normal.  Your world has just been turned upside down and of course you don't know which way is up.  That is where we can help.

Andy gave you some excellent advice and I am going to second his suggestion that you see a therapist.  Your head is spinning and you need some solid expert support at this point in your life, so go see someone.  You go to a doctor when you body ails and it is the same thing when you experience life-altering situations like this.  You need someone to help you sort out your emotions and to start to get a grip on what being HIV positive means.

I also encourage you to start educating yourself on HIV and disclosure and I strongly suggest that you do not tell any more people right now, with the exception of your BF.  Telling others can wait, but I think you are being very unfair to the man in your life.  If he had such an issue, would you not be hurt if he did not come to you as one of the first people?  I imagine you would.

However, right now you are confused, angry and most probably feel like nobody will want you.  You are angry that you allowed yourself to become positive and you may even feel unclean because of your infection.  Again, all of this is perfectly normal so let me try and ease some of your suffering.

You did nothing to warrent becoming poz, so work at ending your guilt trip.  You will need to forgive yourself for whatever role you may have played in becoming positive, as negative emotions will only drain you.  Being poz does not change who and what you are, as you are no different from one week ago, other than now knowing you are poz.  You are not a bad person and you owe it to your friends and family to give them the opportunity to support you, just as you have supported others through your life.

I know this is a lot to take in and if I seem pushy it is because I am pushing you to reach out and get the support that you need.  Never under-estimate the capacity of others to support you without judgement and for those who would judge you, well you do not need people like that in your life.

You are starting on a journey that we have all made and though we cannot tell you how your journey will unfold, you never need to walk alone.  These forums are full of some of the most compassionate people you will ever encounter and if you need some support, all you have to do is ask.  We do not care how you became poz, just that you are and our only goal here is to help you adjust and to realize that life with HIV is different, but there is nothing to stop you from reaching your dreams, but that is a subject for another discussion.

So feel free to ask questions, rant, rave or whatever because we have all been there.

One last comment.  As hard as it may be to accept, if you tell your BF and he turns away from you, please understand that it may take him some time to adjust to the news, just as it is taking you.  We all have different capabilities and so we all react differently.  Just because he might need some time to absorb this, does not mean he does not care for you.  If may merely mean he is as frightened and confused as you, but it is always better to be united as a couple, rather than letting your imagination rule your relationship.

I hope this helps and welcome to the family.

Queen Tokelove:

Sorry, you have ended up here. I know you are very scared and confused right now. I also agree with what Andy and Killfoile has said. So, I won't repeat all that. When it comes to disclosure that is a decision that you must make. No one can make it for you. But I do understand how it can be affecting you. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Lost - I have not told mine either.  We don't live together - and have not had sex in a long time.  I love him dearly, and I too feel like I failed him and myself.  It's been 6 months since my diagnosis and I started meds, and my body feels A TON better, that alone has helped me get my mind around things a little bit. 

I have not sought counseling, because it is still hard for me to talk about with anyone - this site is my sole outlet for dealing with HIV - and wow, it helps a lot. 

I intend to tell him after the holidays - I tested positive when he was working on a very important project at work - I did not want to distract him, and the project finishes in a few weeks.  Once he has that off his plate, I will tell him and accept whatever the consequences are.  This journey ain't no fun, but the only way is forward. 

Hello Lost2006,

What the others have mentioned is some good advice for your situation. It is unfortunate that you have tested positive for HIV, However, you did make that important step with coming to the AM site as an outlet for your support.

I wish to extend to you a WARM WELCOME here at the AM forums. Here you will find the encouragement, communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions relating to HIV/AIDS answered.

We have a great group of Real People who will listen as well as answer you. We are here to encourage one another and to learn from each other.

With the consideration of implementing a Positive Mental Attitude, it will also assist you on your journey in this life as well as having a Positive Impact on your immune system.

In fact, through your Positive Mental Attitude, it will help you push forward through all of the obstacles on your path that you are now walking on.

Talking to other people helps us see that we are not the only ones with problems. Feel free to come and vent with whatever is on your mind from time-to-time.

Often the act of writing and the ability to “see” your feelings leads to therapeutic insights and solutions. .

In the interim, you may want to start taking a multi-vitamin, Omega 3 and you may want to keep an eye on your diet.

Exercise at least three times per week for a minimum of 30 minutes.

"Don't Give Up, Don't Give In... cause it is all within you to WIN!"

He should know before you have sex. It is not fair for you not to tell him. Of course, you need more time.


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