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When should I tell my boyfriend??

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I was tested positive about 6 weeks ago, was in a mess emotionally, very much like most others on this forum.  Couldn't tell anyone for the first weeks, just drink after work to go to sleep.  Finally told 3 friends, one who has been +ve for a while but live in another state, the other two are really supportive.  The first 3 weeks I really wanted to tell my spouse, who at that time was working out of town, decided not to tell him over the phone.  He came home, but I couldn't tell him than either...we have not have sex for more than 3 years now, although we have been living together for the last 15 years.
I decided not to tell him because I don't know how he will react, if he would still want me to be around or would he want me to leave?  Furthermore, it was close to Thanksgiving and we need to meet his family, how would telling him affect our time with his family?  While he was here, he noticed I was depressed and asked what is bothering me and yet I couldn't tell him...he is gone to work again, will be back in about 3 weeks...should I tell him when he return?

I have not been to the doctor since the result, according to my doctor, my CD4 is high and viral is low, he don't think I need meds right now, he recommend me to see a specialist, but I have not make an appointment yet, I guess I am just trying to avoid dealing with things... ???

Andy Velez:
OK, I'm glad you found your way here. Dealing with turning poz is a big one and it's no surprise that you're having lots of intense feelings.

Even though you may not want to do anything about it right now, the most important thing is for you to have a good doctor with whom you can develop a good working partnership to keep you healthy. So that's something I do recommend that you look into. Maybe not this very moment, but soon.

As far as your bf is concerned, since active sex is not going on in your relationship that at least for the timebeing removes the issue of needing to have protected intercourse. (Although you never know when sex will come back into the equation, so keep in mind that should you guys have intercourse, whoever is the insertive partner must be wearing a latex condom everytime).

When you do talk with your bf, I suggest you keep it as simple and as direct as possible. I can't predict how he will react. You know better what the strengths and the vulnerabilities are in your relationship. If you guys can talk honestly and caringly with each other, this new element can end up deepening the intimacy in your relationship. But as you realize, you just can't know so on some level you have to be prepared to let the chips fall where they may.

With regard to disclosure, please read the lesson on this site about that subject. You may get some ideas there that are useful. Avoid being isolated with your feelings and concerns about this subject. I'm glad you have three people in your life whom you feel you can talk to honestly.

You might consider contacting any AIDS SERVICE organization (ASO) in your area to see if they offer either individual or group counseling. Believe me, many have gone through this before you and they can offer helpful responses based on experience, just as I expect you are going to find when members here read your thread.

Seeing a therapist or other mental health counselor might be helpful as well. It will give you a safe place where you can talk out your thoughts and feelings and get some clarity.
That should help you to make good decisions rather than impulsively going into action out of desparation or other uncomfortable feelings.

Getting used to living with HIV takes time. Give yourself as much as you need. Gradually you will learn everything you need to know. You're always welcome here to ask questions and to discuss anything that's on your mind.


Thank you Andy for your reply.
I intent to make an appointment this week to talk to the doctor my pr care doctor recommend.
I am feeling such guilt about not telling my bf though, I feel I have failed him.
I don't feel comfortable going to a support group here as I know lots of people here in the city and many of them know my bf.  The last thing I want is for him to find out through someone else.
I have comfort many people here for the past years when they told me they are positive and I was told by some of them there are people in the community who believe that everyone should know your status so they do not feel any need to hide their knowledge of your status if they know, everyone they know should know....
I am so lost, but like all of you said this will pass...tomorrow is another day to start the week...
Thanks again

Yes, therapy is a good idea if you are not comfortable with a support is helping me immensely=)

Andy Velez:
The feelings you are expressing are good things for you to be talking about with a therapist. And you shouldn't be trying to sort things out by yourself. Be strong and get th help you need to get on with your life.

However overwhelming it may feel now, things will get sorted out and life is going to go on. Really.

Cheers on Monday,


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