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Author Topic: My Negative Life and HIV  (Read 6974 times)

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Offline leo555

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My Negative Life and HIV
« on: June 09, 2006, 03:48:03 PM »
Hello people, here is my crazy story. I moved to this country 5 years ago, since then i live in a constant fear of HIV. I am a gay man who loves to have sex, safe sex but...... from my experience condoms break and they break often. My life is a torture because of this fear. I am thinking about HIV day and night.  Every time i have sex with someone after a week or two i get strong flu like symptoms then i run to the Doctor beg them to get a prescription for PCR test and Combovir so i can relax for another month or two until i have sex next time. I am also taking anti viral drugs every time i think i will have sex. I tried not to have sex but it did not work ! Sometimes i WANT TO GET INFECTED to  put this all to the end but it's a hard decision to make. During past 5 years almost all my friends became hiv positive and i am waiting for my turn.

P.S. Just called Quest Diagnostics again. Damn it takes them 5 business days to send PCR result to doctors office.

Best Regards. Eric.

« Last Edit: June 10, 2006, 12:01:50 PM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2006, 04:11:32 PM »
I urge you to seek therapy to deal with this fear. You do not want to get infected. But you do not want to live your life in fear.

If condoms are consistently breaking, perhaps you are using them incorrectly? Statistically, condom breaks are exceedingly rare, if used correctly... and yes, there is a wrong way and a right way :). One of our moderators, Ann, has some terrific condom-related links in her signature line.

Thing is, you can't live like this. Not only will prolonged use of the antivirals prove detrimental to your health (they are powerful drugs, with powerful and sometimes cumulative side effects) but they waste resources that need to be used for real risks, and uninsured persons with HIV.

If you use a condom for anal sex, you have little to worry about insofar as HIV is concerned. And an HIV test twice a year, along with a standard STD panel, is more than enough to monitor your status. You do not need to become infected in order to quell  your fear. And even if you DO become infected, I submit that your fear will simply shuffle itself to another topic.

Please. Find a competant counselor or therapist with whom to talk about this.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline AlexQ

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2006, 04:36:48 PM »
why are you here?

you are very knowlegeable about hiv and the transmission routes.  people here are not trained therapist/pyschiatrists.  go get some real help. 

there are solutions to your supposed issues...monogamous relationships...reading Annn's guide to using condoms properly (i've yet to have one break).  having hiv will not cure your supposed anxiety...what about infections with different strains (super infections)...sorry...some hard work in front of you...but this forum isn't it...

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2006, 04:50:08 PM »
Thank you guys. I live in Manhattan, 40% of gay people who live in Manhattan are HIV positive (yeah it's true !!!!). I can be a doctor myself for people with HIV. I know a lot about this disease and i mean a lot. Actually i believe that PEP saved me from getting it. So i don't think i am "wasting pills" PEP works ! They do not advertise it couz people will think it's a morning pill and will use it on regular bases. Even a small chance to get HIV kills me so i prefer be negative and take pills rather then be positive and take them anyway.
I do not believe in consultations, couz i already know what they will tell me, this info is easy to find on-line as well.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2006, 05:05:39 PM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2006, 05:20:08 PM »
So, since you seem to have your plan of action, what were you looking for here or am I missing something?
Andy Velez

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2006, 05:26:33 PM »
I just wanted to share my experience. That's all. Sorry.  :'(

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2006, 06:37:57 PM »
I-K,

You may think you have avoided hiv infection through your use of PEP, but if you are usually topping in these condom break situations, your belief is questionable. It is very unusual for a top to become infected through a condom break.

If you normally bottom, you can still make sure the condoms are being used properly by being the person who puts them on - easily done as a part of your foreplay.

Please read through the condom and lube links in my signature line carefully. Condom breaks should be a rare event - not an everyday occurrence.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2006, 08:30:50 PM »
I am more bottom so condoms usually break inside of me.  :-\

Offline notsleeping

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2006, 11:01:35 PM »
Are you for real? I just dont get it . But even so i hope your right about pep working.

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2006, 07:45:57 AM »
I-K,

I've heard this before where young gay men feel they want to get hiv to "get it over with". Well, I'm here to tell you that being gay does not make hiv infection inevitable. You can have a full, satisfying sex life and avoid hiv infection. Just because a large percentage of gay men are hiv positive doesn't mean you have to join them.

Please, if you haven't already, read through those condom and lube links in my signature line. Make sure there is no air pocket in the condom before you allow anyone to enter you and make sure that plenty of lube is being used. You can buy little packets of lube (similar to fast food ketchup/mustard packets) online - and you can buy condoms online too. You can buy the extra-strong variety and supply them to your tops along with the lube. Don't rely on your top to make sure the condom is being used properly - check it out before it goes in. 

And please, seek out some peer support. I get the feeling you might almost feel you deserve to be hiv positive just because you are gay. You don't deserve it - no one does. New York City has a very good resource you can access - GMHC. Please contact them as soon as possible.

Good luck with the condoms and lube and remember, hiv infection is NOT inevitable - it is wholly preventable.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2006, 08:54:44 AM »
Thank you Ann for understanding. If one of us has aids we all have it.

Regards. Eric.

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2006, 09:05:05 AM »
You're welcome Eric.

Now please, promise me you'll study those links and promise me you'll talk to someone about this face-to-face -  or at the very least over the phone. The GMHC have their telephone number posted on their website I linked you to - please promise me you'll call them. Your health is precious and you are definitely worth the effort to put this all into perspective through an understanding, supportive ear. You'll find one at GMHC.

And remember, make sure your tops know the score where condoms and lube are concerned. Correctly used condoms rarely break.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2006, 09:21:22 AM »
Two main reasons condoms break in anal sex:

the insertive partner does not pinch and hold the reservoir tip when putting on the condom - this creates an air pocket in the tip, and the condom can break.

neither partner uses enough condom-friendly lubricant. Anal sex requires more lubricant than vaginal sex, and condoms require even more. Use lots of lubricant.

 
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2006, 10:23:00 AM »
Ann I promise :) You are very nice thank you !

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2006, 10:38:20 AM »
Just got my results from Quest Diagnostics.

HIV RNA QN PCR (NY) Performed using Amplicor HIV-1 Monitor. Test version 1.5 (Roche Diagnostics Systems INC)

Copies/mL:    <400
Log cps/mL   <2.6

This means NEGATIVE. It feels like i was born again. Good luck to all.

« Last Edit: June 12, 2006, 10:51:03 AM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline leo555

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My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2007, 07:04:52 PM »
Hello guys, it's me again. If you do not know who i am please find this thread:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=637.msg6127#msg6127

31 December 2006, condom broke inside of me again, very depressed again same thing again, got my prescription for PCR ULTRA, but NO PEP NO PILSS FIRST TIME !!! Going to get tested next monday, it's too early to do it now.

Any support will be appreciated.



« Last Edit: January 02, 2007, 07:14:58 PM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2007, 07:25:32 PM »
It is recommended to do the PCR at 28 days after a possible exposure. In many instances it can give an answer within 48-72 hours, but it is NOT recommended to do the test that early.  A negative at 28 days is considered the next-best-thing to an all clear and should be confirmed with an ELISA at 13 weeks.

As you may already know, it's a highly sensitive test and not infrequently yields a false positive, although not a false negative if taken at the appropriate time.

Your problem with condoms breaking repeatedly is unusual despite what you seem to think about their fragility. I'm wondering if there is something about what you are doing and/or whom you are doing it with is subjecting them to an unusual degree of stress.

Good luck with your test result.
Andy Velez

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2007, 07:37:51 PM »
Andy, thank you for respond. Yes i know 28 days.. It's just i can not wait i will do it next monday and then 3 weeks later again. I am so sorry for myself. I still have this thought to be HIV+ and get it over with !!! !

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2007, 07:48:12 PM »
I-K-A-K-O, you know after a while the testing center is going to get tired of seeing you. You need to find out what you are doing wrong with the condoms that you are causing them to fail.

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2007, 08:01:23 PM »
What u mean testing center will be tired ? You can not get PCR tests at the test center. I have a doctor he is a family friend, yes he thinks in general what i do is wrong, but i really do not care at this point, this is my lifestyle. I have a right to get tested the way i want i think ! And i use condoms the way i suppose to !
« Last Edit: January 02, 2007, 08:11:13 PM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2007, 08:14:20 PM »
I-K-A-K-O, I can get any test done at the clinic as long as I pay it out of pocket. Which I don't need to worry about because I have advanced HIV disease and I have tests every 3 months sometimes sooner.

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2007, 08:25:54 PM »
RapidRod i understand this ! And i do pay from my pocket. And i will continue to pay. This question is not about money.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2007, 09:23:34 PM »
I wasn't questioning your sexuality. "What you are doing wrong, with so many condom brakes." You not using lube? Not enough lube? Wrong type of lube? There has to be a reason for your condom failures.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2007, 08:22:26 AM by RapidRod »

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2007, 05:00:59 AM »
IKAKO:

I can totally relate to your anxiety, as it was my fear of contracting HIV that compelled me to become celibate for a considerable number of years. I realise that my problems have a psychological basis and I am seeing a counsellor to address these issues. I was so afraid that I simply stopped having sex - period. I didn't even have faith in safe sex because what if the condom broke and a thousand other what ifs. I now realise that these fears are irrational and are hindering me from achieving a satisfying sex life.

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #24 on: January 03, 2007, 05:37:15 AM »
Adonis YES ! TRUE !
« Last Edit: January 03, 2007, 05:40:10 AM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #25 on: January 03, 2007, 05:40:01 AM »
IKAKO:

I'm thrilled to hear of your negative diagnosis. Just so you know, I wouldn't have seen you any differently if your diagnosis was positive. I see you as a human being first and foremost.

Congratulations on the good result.........

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #26 on: January 03, 2007, 05:44:14 AM »
Well i do not know what exactly they did with my trhead here.... this is a very old thred.... BUT the same story !!! December 31 2006 condom broke inside of me again !!!! Got a prescription for PCR ULTRA  test from doctor BUT NO PILLS FIRST TIME, NO PEP !! Will do test next monday, too eraly to do it now. Very depressed again. Damn !

Any support will be appreciated !

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #27 on: January 03, 2007, 05:48:40 AM »
Hello people, here is my crazy story. I moved to this country 5 years ago, since then i live in a constant fear of HIV. I am a gay man who loves to have sex, safe sex but...... from my experience condoms break and they break often. My life is a torture because of this fear. I am thinking about HIV day and night.  Every time i have sex with someone after a week or two i get strong flu like symptoms then i run to the Doctor beg them to get a prescription for PCR test and Combovir so i can relax for another month or two until i have sex next time. I am also taking anti viral drugs every time i think i will have sex. I tried not to have sex but it did not work ! Sometimes i WANT TO GET INFECTED to  put this all to the end but it's a hard decision to make. During past 5 years almost all my friends became hiv positive and i am waiting for my turn.

P.S. Just called Quest Diagnostics again. Damn it takes them 5 business days to send PCR result to doctors office.

Best Regards. Eric.



Eric, I can SO relate to your experiences. My case is more extreme than yours. I got tested 6 years ago for HIV and once it came back negative, I made the decision to be celibate as I was afraid. I really miss my sex life, but when I feel tempted to have sex with someone, my fear sets in. I'm lonely and miserable. I'm a bodybuilder and I'm told I'm really attractive all the time by people, but my celibacy has meant that I have been unable to form a meaningful romantic relationship. I'm seeing a shrink to work through these issues. Have you thought that you might have some phobia as well....? Worth it to check it out and address it.

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #28 on: January 03, 2007, 05:51:37 AM »
But Eric....why does your condom keep on breaking all the time? Are you and your partners using it correctly? Even beyond the potential health risk issue, it must detract away from your enjoyment of sex?

I think you should get PEP, just to be on the safe side.

Hey, send me a private message if you want to talk.


Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #29 on: January 03, 2007, 05:56:28 AM »
Oh man my life is miserable couz there is no sex the way i want it. Fear of HIV kills me. I know it's ok to be HIV+ and i will live but IT"S ME I straggle all the time. I am so tired of this i just want to be myself :(((( This is so wrong :(
NO MORE PEP FOR ME THATS IT !!!! I been eating pills for years now !!!
« Last Edit: January 03, 2007, 06:01:45 AM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #30 on: January 03, 2007, 06:01:18 AM »
IKAKO,

I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep all your additional thoughts or questions in one thread.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative life and HIV......
« Reply #31 on: January 03, 2007, 06:01:37 AM »
Eric, my life is miserable, too.....so many men come on to me when I hit the scene, but nothing happens because of my fear. I will have pleasant conversation with them but when they invite me back to their place for intimacy, that is when the night ends for me. For a long time, NOT having any sexual contact was the price that I paid for peace of mind, but as time went by, I became neurotic and anxious because of a lack of sex. Humans are sexual creatures and we all crave intimacy.

I can SO relate to some of the issues you're going through....

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #32 on: January 03, 2007, 06:56:28 AM »
Adonis,

You are not in any position to be giving advice on this forum. Please desist. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Adonis

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #33 on: January 03, 2007, 07:02:29 AM »
Ann,

I was just trying to relate to Eric and support him. Of course, I am not claiming to be an expert in HIV/AIDS, but I was only offering Eric my experience in order to calm his fears. My intentions are good.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #34 on: January 03, 2007, 08:26:22 AM »
Eric, after re-reading this thread including the entries from sometime ago, I have another thought.

I am wondering if you have seen a therapist or other such professional to get some support with the emotional aspects of this situation. I think you might find that useful.
Whatever the issue(s) maybe in relation to condoms, this is obviously a very stressful situation and one you ought not to be struggling with alone. I think some professional help might be useful.


Andy Velez

Offline leo555

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2007, 11:08:42 PM »
Andy i do not need sociological help in this case. This is my lifestyle.... i can not force myself to change myself.. Thats the problem ! HIV is a part of mylife no matter i have it or not !
« Last Edit: January 04, 2007, 11:14:31 PM by I-K-A-K-O »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #36 on: January 05, 2007, 05:33:14 AM »
Andy i do not need sociological help in this case. This is my lifestyle.... i can not force myself to change myself.. Thats the problem ! HIV is a part of mylife no matter i have it or not !
So you don't think you need help with your worries? NOT sociological, physiological help is what Andy was referring to. It doesn't matter if it is your life style or not. Andy wasn't referring to your life style. You need to educate yourself. The first would, be How To Correctly Use A Condom.

Offline Ann

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Re: My Negative Life and HIV
« Reply #37 on: January 05, 2007, 06:23:32 AM »
Eric,

Broken condoms are not a lifestyle. There are two main factors that contribute to a condom break. One is not ensuring there is no air bubble in the tip. The other is not using lube, enough lube, or the wrong lube. Please make sure you read through the condom and lube links in my signature line, and PLEASE make sure your tops are using them correctly. Hiv IS a preventable illness - and correctly used condoms rarely break.

Andy wasn't suggesting you find someone to talk things over with as regard your lifestyle, he suggested you talk to someone to help you keep your anxiety in check. Why go through this without support if you don't have to? There's only so much we can do for you here - you may benefit from some face-to-face support as well.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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