HIV Transmission and Testing > Am I Infected?

My Negative Life and HIV

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leo555:
Hello people, here is my crazy story. I moved to this country 5 years ago, since then i live in a constant fear of HIV. I am a gay man who loves to have sex, safe sex but...... from my experience condoms break and they break often. My life is a torture because of this fear. I am thinking about HIV day and night.  Every time i have sex with someone after a week or two i get strong flu like symptoms then i run to the Doctor beg them to get a prescription for PCR test and Combovir so i can relax for another month or two until i have sex next time. I am also taking anti viral drugs every time i think i will have sex. I tried not to have sex but it did not work ! Sometimes i WANT TO GET INFECTED to  put this all to the end but it's a hard decision to make. During past 5 years almost all my friends became hiv positive and i am waiting for my turn.

P.S. Just called Quest Diagnostics again. Damn it takes them 5 business days to send PCR result to doctors office.

Best Regards. Eric.

jkinatl2:
I urge you to seek therapy to deal with this fear. You do not want to get infected. But you do not want to live your life in fear.

If condoms are consistently breaking, perhaps you are using them incorrectly? Statistically, condom breaks are exceedingly rare, if used correctly... and yes, there is a wrong way and a right way :). One of our moderators, Ann, has some terrific condom-related links in her signature line.

Thing is, you can't live like this. Not only will prolonged use of the antivirals prove detrimental to your health (they are powerful drugs, with powerful and sometimes cumulative side effects) but they waste resources that need to be used for real risks, and uninsured persons with HIV.

If you use a condom for anal sex, you have little to worry about insofar as HIV is concerned. And an HIV test twice a year, along with a standard STD panel, is more than enough to monitor your status. You do not need to become infected in order to quell  your fear. And even if you DO become infected, I submit that your fear will simply shuffle itself to another topic.

Please. Find a competant counselor or therapist with whom to talk about this.

AlexQ:
why are you here?

you are very knowlegeable about hiv and the transmission routes.  people here are not trained therapist/pyschiatrists.  go get some real help. 

there are solutions to your supposed issues...monogamous relationships...reading Annn's guide to using condoms properly (i've yet to have one break).  having hiv will not cure your supposed anxiety...what about infections with different strains (super infections)...sorry...some hard work in front of you...but this forum isn't it...

leo555:
Thank you guys. I live in Manhattan, 40% of gay people who live in Manhattan are HIV positive (yeah it's true !!!!). I can be a doctor myself for people with HIV. I know a lot about this disease and i mean a lot. Actually i believe that PEP saved me from getting it. So i don't think i am "wasting pills" PEP works ! They do not advertise it couz people will think it's a morning pill and will use it on regular bases. Even a small chance to get HIV kills me so i prefer be negative and take pills rather then be positive and take them anyway.
I do not believe in consultations, couz i already know what they will tell me, this info is easy to find on-line as well.

Andy Velez:
So, since you seem to have your plan of action, what were you looking for here or am I missing something?

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