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Author Topic: does a relationship need fireworks  (Read 3505 times)

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Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
does a relationship need fireworks
« on: November 28, 2006, 04:50:44 PM »
I have started dating a great guy.  He is neg and has no problem with my being pos.  He is nice, smart, caring, comforting, attractive, giving, strong, confident, will be very sexually compatible when and if that time comes......but I don't see any fireworks.  Hell I hardly feel a spark.  So do I  take a great guy and pass on the sparks and fireworks or keep looking for the entire package.  I hate to miss the opportunity to date a great guy, but then I am not sure if I can date him.
Advice, suggestions?
Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline MSPspud

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  • Posts: 613
  • Joined Mar 2005 - Formerly UofMurbs
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2006, 04:56:35 PM »
Personally all of my semi-successful relationships have started with a spark, including the one I am in now.  When there isn't as much of a spark, I end up finding fault in two months and break it off.  While this has been my pattern, I'd still give it a chance.  You never know.  If there's one absolute, it's that there's no absolutes about how to begin a relationship.  Just don't promise this guy the moon and the stars until you're sure of where this is going.

Offline poet

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  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2006, 06:18:32 PM »
Woods, you remind me of all those New York guys who needed the fireworks, the stars to burst, on a first date... or there would be no second date.  I have been defining offline with one of the forum members as what E. M. Forster called 'connection,' as in his phrase 'only connect.'  My closest relationship with someone was early in my dating life and we connected.  I could anticipate his calls, not once, but daily.  We moved into and out of each other's mind.  I admit, on the one hand, that aspects of his body did not, over time, absolutely enthrall me.  I will counter this by saying that his judgement, his opinion I would still absolutely listen to, whether or not I agreed with him, I would respect him for his opinion.  We never, ever ran out of things to talk about.  I used to describe it as entering a mind in which there was no closet, no final corner of a closet with a wall.  What I would look for, with the person you are just now starting to date (if you want to use that phrase) is do you feel connected, are you starting to feel connected, to and with him?  Otherwise, you may have lucked out with one of the many smart, nice, caring, comforting, attractive, giving, strong, confident, sexually compatible (in theory) guys out there.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2006, 06:48:27 PM »
That's a tough one for me. I have always had that spark with the LTR men. Anyone else, I couldn't get enough interest in, no matter how nice they were.

I've tried it. It's always amazed me that people can date someone for months, not feeling much more than friendship. I was always afraid that perhaps the other guy would get himself too into it, then I'd have to drop a bomb.

Good luck with this.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2006, 07:14:31 PM »
Hey Woods,

Men are like street cars, if you miss one, another shows up in a few minutes.  If there are no fireworks... you have met a nice friend.  Invite him over, put your hair in rollers, giggle and call boys.   ::)

I know a charming fellow who calls a lot.  One of my friends saw him on a dating site and thought he was perfect for me.  I did contact him, we went on a couple of dates but there were no fireworks.  Three years later... we are still good friends.   We could have become a couple, been polite to each other for (who knows how long)?  He is on three dating sites and has been for a long time.  Life is not so busy or full that we can not enjoy a good friend.  Have the best day
Michael

 

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2006, 07:15:37 PM »
Quote
Men are like street cars, if you miss one, another shows up in a few minutes

WHOA-where's this street?!?!?!?!!? ;D
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2006, 07:26:04 PM »
Santa Monica Blvd

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2006, 07:35:43 PM »


   I don't need fireworks but she needs to be a great kisser.  As a matter of fact if things had worked out differently my firecracker would be here right now.   Miss you Rasheen :'( :(
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2006, 07:38:08 PM »
Quote
Santa Monica Blvd

Damn, that's a little too far away :(
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2006, 07:42:19 PM »
Fireworks? Fireworks are dramatic. If they don't just fizzle out and never go off. And if they go off they tend to blow up and show's over.

Think about what you want? I get that you want sexual satisfaction in the package. Nothing wrong with that.

There's no formula for this. Relationships begin in all sorts of ways. Successfully blending love and good sex is ....well, it ain't easy, is it?  

Think about whom you have been with in the past and what you want now. Were fireworks a good thing in the past? If they didn't result in your getting what you want, y maybe you have to consider a different approach.

Just sayin'.....

Keep us posted on how it's going if you will.
Andy Velez

Offline Razorbill

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2006, 07:47:35 PM »
Damn, woods - I'm in the exact same position right now.  Been on two dates and he's all the things you say your guys is - but the spark is not there.  Will it kindle?  Not sure about that.  I'm seeing him again this weekend.  There's also the issue of antidepressants - the one I'm on may be dulling my response to him - so I'll knock off for a day and see how I feel around him this Friday.  In my heart of hearts, i really want a relationship with a great guy.  I'd also like to be excited about it.

Offline Blixer

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2006, 09:00:06 PM »
Woods and Razorbill, it is ironic to run across this thread. I'm in the very same situation and wondering if the lack of spark is because I'm poz and really "afraid" to "feel" anything.  Of course, my past relationships where there has been a spark fizzled out.  So you meet a nice guy, lots of good things, meets lots of your criteria, but just not that "he's the one" or "I can't wait to hear from him again."  Should we all be heading for Santa Monical Blvd and waiting on the next streetcar?
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2006, 09:02:16 PM »
"Careful not to burn down the house" I always say on the first 6 or 7 dates...

Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,486
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2006, 11:01:09 PM »
Quote
Should we all be heading for Santa Monical Blvd and waiting on the next streetcar?

Next AMG????!!!!! ;D
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline gvolts5

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2006, 01:17:26 AM »
Date him. 

John


Offline chemistry001

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    • http://www.mygaydar.com/chemistry001
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2006, 05:10:28 AM »
Sparks and fireworks are all god in the short term, but look at what you want in the long term? For me to have someone there that i love, care and trust are more important. Love can grow and who knows what the future may bring, it may not be a 10 ton rocket but a sparkle may emerge over time as you discover more about each other.

I would say go for it, give it time and if you still have doubts further down the track then maybe it's not meant to be.
I'm a big believer in taking opportunities when they come along, a doorway has opened here for you and you need to at least pop your head around the corner to see whats there.

Be upfront and honest about your feelings, don't pretend you have the firework display from the 4th of July if there isn't, just look at what you have and work on that. Every relationship is different, and if in the past they have all started with fireworks, then surely the reason your here now proves that sparks are not always the formula for a lasting loving relationship.

Paul xXx
Diagnosed 01/08/06
CD4-9, VL->500,000, CD4% 1
Started on Sustiva/combivir 22/08/06 changed to kivexa 18/09/06
02/10/06
CD4-50, VL-1496, CD4% 5
04/12/06
CD4-112, VL-125, CD4% 7.5
22/02/07
CD4-121, VL-<50, CD4% 9
29/05/07
CD4-125, VL-71,(re-done 149), CD4% 11
25/09/07
CD4 -231, VL-74, CD4% 15
Cant remember the next few dates
17/01/08  Kaletra and Truvada
CD4 - 281, VL-115
06/03/08
CD4 - 287, VL-178

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2006, 06:12:34 AM »
I completely agree, Paul.

I believe wanting to be chronically in that "in-love" stage of a relationship is what sends people looking for someone else, more often than not, once that stage develops into something more like "love" for one another. At least that's been my experience.

Depends on what type of relationship a person is looking for I suppose.

Have you ever noticed how falling in love makes people do nutty things? Temporary insanity, I call it. As someone once said, "I'd rather fall in chocolate than fall in love."

Daniel
« Last Edit: November 29, 2006, 06:18:42 AM by DanielMark »
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline poet

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  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2006, 06:28:45 AM »
Or pick up what Paul has said and DanielMark and see what he thinks, taking that chance since you are seemingly willing to switch the category to good friend.  Ask him what he thinks and see if the connection, the communication between the two of you is there.  If he doesn't 'get' what you are asking, that would be a sign, no?  And it would be so, so much easier emotionally to not have to drop him cold, but to actually open things up.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Nashvegas

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  • Posts: 196
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #18 on: November 29, 2006, 09:09:35 AM »
I'd always experienced amazing fireworks with my past partners, but when I started seeing the guy I'm with now, the fireworks were missing.  I thought this was a sure sign that he couldn't be the love of my life.  Sure, we had so much in common, got along incredibly well, and connected intellectually and emotionally.  But I didn't desperately want to rip his clothes off and roll around in bed with him all day.  About eight months into our relationship, I remember telling friends that he must not be the one. 

Well, that was almost 20 years ago, and I think we're happier and closer now than we've ever been.  I'll readily admit -- we both get most of our sex on the side, and that might not work for some people.  But I've found my soulmate, and I hope and believe I'll spend the rest of my life with him. 

So my advice is to give it a try!
8/12/06 - sero-conversion
9/14/06 -- Positive Test results confirmed
9/21/06 -- CD4 - 586; viral load 8,000; 29%
12/25/06 -- CD4 - 373; VL 2,800; 23%
2/10/07 - CD4 - 228; VL 865; 25%
3/15/07 -  CD4 - 365 (no viral load test)
5/1/07 = CD4 - 341; VL 4,358; 27%
8/1/07 - CD4 - 315; VL - 2,300; 25%
9/20/07 - CD4 - 378
11/22/07 - CD4 - 257; VL 7,300;
2/27/08 - CD4 231 (16.5 %), VL 5,960
5/20/08 - CD4 229 (18.3%), VL 11,100
6/17/08 - CD4 166 (14.5%), VL 9,030
6/17/08 - STARTED VIRAMUNE + TRUVADA
7/2/08 - CD4 272 (20%), VL 113  :-)
7/16/08 - CD4 -217 (21.1 %), VL - Undetectable
7/30/08 - CD4 - 220 (20.4%). VL - 92
8/14/08 - CD4 - 280 (22%) VL-undetectable
1/04/09 - CD4 - 250 (28%) VL-UD
5/15/09 - CD4 -393 (28%) VL-UD
8/15/09 - CD4-346, (26%) VL-UD
11/15/09 - CD4-373 (28%)

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #19 on: November 29, 2006, 09:47:29 AM »
I suppose a slow and steady burn, from the perspective of time, can look like fireworks...

Bests,
Drew

Offline wellington

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  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #20 on: November 29, 2006, 12:51:54 PM »
My current partner, I dismissed rather abruptly when he wanted to start up a conversation about the weather when we first met. He persued me over the next few months and we had some great fun together going out and seeing the world. I was not at all interested in him sexually and a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. That was more than 17 years ago ;)

It would be a shame to close the door on opportunity, however you feel. Explore it fully before making a decision. Sometimes, the best things in life just happen.

Offline poet

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #21 on: November 29, 2006, 04:13:52 PM »
I thank Wellington and Nashvegas for giving those of us who, like myself, can't claim to understand how to turn the early days, weeks and months- what, perhaps to look for, to look at- into longevity of relationships for their comments.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Longislander

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2006, 08:31:01 PM »
let me define what 'fireworks' for me means.

I've had 2 LTR's, one 7 the other 5 years. The following applies to both men;

I saw this guy, and found him attractive. Made my way to him, and we started talking. The conversations lasted approx 4 solid hours in the bar. No sex, just #'s exchanged.

The fireworks start after he calls me, and we wind up talking almost daily, for weeks. Couldn't wait to see him again, and wasn't disappointed at all. We saw more of each other, more often, and developed into monogamous relationships.

One has passed on, the other is still my friend. Decisions made, and outside reasons were why I chose to leave.

Sexual fireworks make up a one-nite stand for me, as I never intend to date them.

Paul
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Eldon

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #23 on: November 29, 2006, 08:36:47 PM »
Hey Woods,

You've got to have that spark in order to start the fire! Date him and see how it goes. It could be possible that he wants to get to know you better before he opens up.




Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #24 on: November 29, 2006, 09:20:51 PM »
There is a club on Santa Monica Blvd called "Numbers".  It is mostly known for a place where the rich and powerful go to pay for the young and beautiful.  The food is acceptable and the well is premium.  An older man named Kevin took me there on a "first" date.  This conversation took place at Numbers:

Bartender:  If you are planning on working this bar, I suggest you go through me, I am the head madam.

Me:  I'm here with a date and I believe you just called me a whore.  Black Label, straight up w/ a water back and thank you for the compliment.  Have the best day
Michael


Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 507
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #25 on: November 29, 2006, 09:28:13 PM »
LOL. I've had dinner at Numbers. (You can assume whatever you will.) The food wasn't that fab, the clientele amusingly may-december. Rounds, in NYC, was far more fun ... but I digress.

My point, I guess fireworks can be purchased, but those sort tend to come with an expiry or best before date.

Offline Robert

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #26 on: November 29, 2006, 10:02:24 PM »
Michael and I had fireworks when we first met.  We're going on 26 years now.  We still have a nice, smoldering fire to keep us warm at night.

But by "fireworks" do you mean THIS?  ;D (thanks lwood!)
..........

Offline Longislander

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #27 on: November 29, 2006, 10:05:18 PM »
that vid hurts everytime I see it!
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #28 on: November 30, 2006, 12:39:30 AM »
Hey Well,

I've been to Numbers more than twice.  The old location, in the alley.  They had a circular staircase to the basement, mirrored walls and valet parking. The December/May clientele is the rich and powerful and May is Oscar De For Renta. 

I did fall in love once and the fireworks lit up the sky like Aloha Week in Honolulu.  I wouldn't trade those years for anything, he was HIV -, I already had my AIDS diagnosis and that was common knowledge.  I thought we would be forever.  There were wedding plans, talk of adoption, buying a house, retirement, the everything of everything.  Sometimes things change.  Have the best day
Michael

Offline RobT

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Re: does a relationship need fireworks
« Reply #29 on: November 30, 2006, 01:17:47 AM »
Woods-
I wud say take it easy. Just do not expect "fireworks" too suddenly. When I met my man, we initially had "fireworks", but then we were both neg. Things obviously happened and my status changed to pos territory, we still have our "fireworks", but they r not as strong as they once were- or mb we have been apart for so long :(
I really h8 LDRs

RobT


Current meds: Atripla
VL: undetectable
CD4: 630

 


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