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Author Topic: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?  (Read 13118 times)

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Offline allopathicholistic

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Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« on: November 25, 2006, 05:28:45 PM »
Need to laugh? Me too. Who wants to post first?

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2006, 07:52:24 PM »
Hey Alex,

Clever my friend very clever.

So why did the chicken cross the road?

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2006, 08:01:12 PM »
Hmm... I know some really godawful jokes... but naughty ones?  Hmm.

Let me see here.


Here, I'll describe what is called the Barbie Joke, and it's a mulimedia experience and best done on someone who has had a couple drinks.


First, you need to tell the person you're telling this joke to that they need to imagine there's a Barbie doll standing in front of them.  With your hands, show where the Barbie's head and feet are and say "she's about this tall."

Have your victim close their eyes.  Peeking ruins this joke like you wouldn't believe.

Ask them with their index finger (and only the index finger... that's the important part) to touch the Barbie's head.

Then ask them to touch her feet.

Then her stomach.  Pay very close attention to where they put their finger.

Then say, "now touch her vagina."

And once they pick where her vagina is, suck the finger.

Getting a really "expresssive" gay guy to do this on is the best thing ever.

Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Eldon

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2006, 08:12:31 PM »
Ha Ha Ha that was naughty but funny!

Offline AIDS2HIV

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    • www.aids2hiv.com
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2006, 08:42:01 PM »
what does kodak film and condoms have in common?








they both capture the moment*
Its the future of Hiv Education, and Resources www.aids2hiv.com      Got Community?

Offline anniebc

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  • AM member since 2003
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2006, 10:27:36 PM »
Important Press Release:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.
In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly' a spokesman for the compamy said  "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"... ;)

Hugs
Jan :-*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Eldon

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2006, 10:44:17 PM »
LOL! Jan now that is a breaktrough!

Offline GSOgymrat

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  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2007, 03:24:57 PM »
Mother  Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you  all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank  God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Offline bear60

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2007, 04:14:52 PM »
How naughty can Trailer Trash Barbie be!!!!

Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2007, 04:28:08 PM »
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".

***

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Just John

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  • Posts: 267
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2007, 06:41:59 PM »
There was a young Priest, brought up in the countryside of Ireland and fresh from theological college.
It was his first day in his new inner city parish and after tea his Monseigneur had sent him on an errand across town to the Abbey.
He went through the darkened streets, overcoat buttoned tight against the cold and rain,
he kept being accosted by the local prostitutes with salacious winks and calls of "you got time for a quickie?"
Never having come across such ladies before he hurried on, totally perplexed until he reached the Abbey.

He was introduced to the Mother Superior and decided to ask her, since she must surely know having lived and worked in the town for 30 years, what these scantily clad ladies were after.

"Mother Superior", he asked shyly, "can you tell me what a quickie is?"

"£20.00 same as in town" she replied.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2007, 07:15:10 PM »
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline RapidRod

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  • Posts: 15,288
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2007, 08:09:40 PM »
Little Johnny was on his way home pulling his little red wagon just a cussing away because of it being so hard to pull up the hill. A priest standing in the doorway of the local church heard little Johnny just a cussing away and spoke to him. He said, you should not cuss because god can hear you, god is everywhere. Johnny said, is god at my house? The priest answered yes. Johnny asked if god was at Jimmy's house and the priest said yes. Then Johnny asked if god was in his little red wagon and the priest said yes. Johnny look right at the priest and said, would you tell him to get the fuck out of the wagon an help push.  ;D

Offline DanKenny

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  • Posts: 147
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2007, 09:08:24 PM »
The Church Organist


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him
to have a sea t while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top o! f it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got t he better of
him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
My Progress:

09/07:   771   ~    <50     ~   29%
03/07:   493   ~    227      ~   22%
02/07:   Began Meds ~~ ATRIPLA
01/07:   315   ~   45, 000  ~   18%
10/06:   350   ~   32, 430  ~   22%
04/06:   440   ~   23, 997  ~   24%
07/05:   621   ~   36,000   ~   24%
01/05:   842   ~   2306      ~   28%
07/04:   615   ~   3370      ~   27%
04/04:   674   ~   739        ~   26%
11/03:   439   ~   2800      ~   22%
Infected probably around 1997 / Diagnosed 2002

Offline DanKenny

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  • Posts: 147
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2007, 09:12:33 PM »
A Dog Called "Sex"

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a pervert.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
« Last Edit: January 05, 2007, 09:14:27 PM by DanKenny »
My Progress:

09/07:   771   ~    <50     ~   29%
03/07:   493   ~    227      ~   22%
02/07:   Began Meds ~~ ATRIPLA
01/07:   315   ~   45, 000  ~   18%
10/06:   350   ~   32, 430  ~   22%
04/06:   440   ~   23, 997  ~   24%
07/05:   621   ~   36,000   ~   24%
01/05:   842   ~   2306      ~   28%
07/04:   615   ~   3370      ~   27%
04/04:   674   ~   739        ~   26%
11/03:   439   ~   2800      ~   22%
Infected probably around 1997 / Diagnosed 2002

Offline Iggy

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  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2007, 11:21:10 PM »
.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2007, 11:36:26 PM by Iggy »

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Bad & Ugly Situations!
« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2007, 10:00:35 AM »
Bad & Ugly Situations! Oldie but goodie  :D

Good                :  Your son is finally maturing.
Bad                   :  He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly                  :  So are you.
_________________
Good                 :  Your husband understands fashion.
Bad                    :  He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly                   :  He looks better than you.
_________________
Good                 :  You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad                    :  She keeps interrupting.
Ugly                   :  With corrections. 
_________________

Good                 :  Your son is dating someone  new.
Bad                   :  It's another man.
Ugly                  :  He's your best friend.
  _________________
Good                  : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad                    :  As a call-girl.
Ugly                   :  She makes more money than you do.
Doubley ugly       :  Your co-workers are her best clients
_________________
Good                :  Your wife is pregnant.
Bad                   :  It's triplets.
Ugly                  :  You had a vasectomy five years ago.
_________________
Good                :  Your wife's not talking to you
Bad                   :  She wants a divorce.
Ugly                  :  She's a lawyer.
_________________
Good                :  Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad                   :  You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly                  :  Your daughter borrowed them.
_________________

Good                 : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad                    : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly                   : You're in them.

Offline newt

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,885
  • the one and original newt
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2007, 01:32:19 PM »
Four guys walk into a leather hole.  It's dim and the air fresheners are going.  They cruise over to the bar, but there's only one stool left.

Biutch says: "Lets flip for it"

Casssidy: "No, lets flip it over"

I also heard a different version (muffle yr ears and hold a borwn paper bag near):

Four guys walk into a leather hole.  It's dim and the air fresheners are going.  They cruise over to the bar, but only there's one stool left.

Biutch says: "Lets flip for it"

Casssidy: "No, lets flip it over"

Kid: "Aw c'mon guys, can't we just eat it"  ;D
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Just John

  • Member
  • Posts: 267
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2007, 06:20:19 PM »
A guy is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shafted on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,288
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #19 on: January 10, 2007, 07:17:00 PM »
 :D That was good John.

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #20 on: January 10, 2007, 08:14:55 PM »
Little Johnny is in his first grade class, and the teacher says, "OK... I'm going to say a letter, and you tell me a word that begins with that letter, and then use that word in a sentence.  The first letter is 'A.'"

Everyone in the class raises their hands, and Little Johnny starts waving his hand around all crazy saying, "Pick me!  Pick me!"

The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't pick Little Johnny... he'll say 'asshole.'"  Out loud she says, "OK... uuuhh... Susie!"

Susie says, "A.  A is for apple.  I brought an apple in my lunchbox today."

"Very good, Susie."

Then the teacher says, "OK... next is 'B.'"

And Little Johnny sticks his hand up again, almost yelling, "Pick me!  Me!"

The teacher's internal monologue: No... he'll say "bitch."  I hate this kid... why is he in my class?  I need to call my union...

Out loud, "OK... Timmy!"

Timmy says, "B.  B is for boy.  I'm a boy."

"Very good, Timmy!"

So the teacher goes through the alphabet until she gets to R.  "OK," she says, "'R.'"

By this time, Little Johnny is standing on his desk, waving his hands in the air screaming, "PICK ME!!  OOOH!  PICK ME!"

The teacher says to herself, "'R?' I don't think... he can't say anything bad for R."

"OK, Johnny!"

"R!  R is for rat!"

"Very good, Johnny!"

Then Little Johnny sticks his arms out as far from each other as they'll go... "Rats with dicks this long!"
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline CaptCarl

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,114
  • Located in the Palinsville subdivision, JesusLand
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2007, 08:15:46 PM »
Okay, here we go!

  1) How do you get four gay guys on a barstool?
      Turn it upside down
   2) how do you get them off?
       Wiggle it around

   3) A skinny little junkie get sent to prison for a crime. They put him into his new cell, and slam the door behind him. As he looks around the cell, he sees this huge guy sitting on the lower bunk. The guy get up and walks over to the little junkie. He must be at least 6'5" and weighs in at about 300lbs. He looks down at the little guy, and asks him in a deep menacing  growl,
    "My name's Billy Ray, and I only got one question fer you. Are you gonna be the husband, or are you gonna be the wife?"
The little guy thinks about it for a few moments, realizes the physical implications of it all, and replies very meekly,
     "I think that I want to be the husband please."
The big guy smiles down at him and says in the same menacing voice,
      "Good, now get on down there and suck your new wife's cock!"

   4) A teenaged girl wants to be a cheerleader, but her father is a bit uptight about such things. She approaches him and says, "Daddy, I've been thinking about it, and I know that you don't approve of such things, but I really want to be a cheerleader. I've thought about it, and it really means a lot to me. I promise that my grades won't suffer, and if they do, I'll quit without any arguing. Please?"
    The father thinks about it for a moment, and says,
   "I can see that you've put a lot of thought into it, and that you are aware of my biggest concern. And I'm pleased that you are willing to give it up if your grades go down. But you also are at the age where you need to understand that sometimes you have to give something in order to get something sometimes, so let's make a deal. OK?"
    "Alright daddy, what can I do?"
   The father thinks for a moment more and says, "I know, you can suck my dick."
   The girl looks at her father and asks what he means. He says,
    "Suck my dick. If you want to be a cheerleader, then give me a blowjob. If you don't want to, that's fine by me."
   The daughter is stunned, and says no, and her father tells her to kiss her dream of being a cheerleader goodbye. She thinks about it for a minute or two, and then says, "Well, if you promise not to tell anyone, I guess it'll be OK." The dad assures her that he won't tell a soul, and unzips his fly. The girl drops to her knees, and starts sucking her old man's dick. After a few moments, she spits it out with a look of disgust, and says,
     "Daddy, your dick tastes like crap!"
     Her father replies, "Yeah I know, your brother was in here a few minutes ago wanting to borrow the car Saturday night."

  Love to you all...Capt.Carl. (who is adding these jokes to the list of things he's going to be burning in Hell for)
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline aupointillimite

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,229
  • FUS DO RAH!
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #22 on: January 10, 2007, 08:17:46 PM »
Brilliant, Carl!

That reminds me of one I heard.

How did the white trash mother know her daughter had a yeast infection?

Her son's dick tasted funny.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline Just John

  • Member
  • Posts: 267
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2007, 06:57:04 PM »
A couple were invited to a classy, masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
 
So he took his costume and away he went.
 
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
 
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
 
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and screwed each other senseless.
 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
 
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there”.
 
"Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
 
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance, when I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
 
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to???"
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline Just John

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2007, 07:01:32 PM »
A salesman is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redheaded lady sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline CaptCarl

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2007, 10:02:44 PM »
 A group of old queens are sitting in a hot tub together, talking. Suddenly, a blob of cum floats to the surface. "All right!" screams one of them, "which one of you bitches farted?"
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline aupointillimite

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2007, 10:34:48 PM »
OK... this guy goes to a brothel and he meets the madam who says, "You look like you need something special."

"Yes, I do."

"Well," she says, "I have this girl who will give you the best blowjob you ever had and can sing at the same time.  But there's a catch.  You have to turn off the lights once you get in the room and close you eyes."

This sounds a little weird, but intriguing, so the guy does as he's told... and sure enough, while he's in the darkened room with his eyes closed, a woman comes in and gives him an amazing blowjob and sings (a little off key, but that's beside the point) at the same time!

He's so impressed that he comes back a second night.

"You want the same thing?" the madam asks him.

"Hell yeah!"

"You know the drill.  Lights out... eyes closed."

Again, he goes to the room, turns out the lights, and closes his eyes... and the same chick comes in... gives him an awesome blowjob while singing!

Of course, by this point... he's wondering how she's able to do this... so he hatches a plan.

The third night comes, and the madam just looks at him and says, "You know what to do."

So he goes to the room.  The lights are off, his eyes are closed... and the woman comes in... starts going down on him and singing.

Suddenly, he opens his eyes, turns on the lights... and before he can see anything, the woman tears out of the room.

But in the corner, there's a jar with a glass eye in it.

If you need this explained to you, just PM me.

And yes, I am a sick, sick bastard.
Your tastebuds can't repel flavor of this magnitude!

Offline cph9680

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #27 on: January 11, 2007, 11:47:29 PM »
 :D  eww

Offline Longislander

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2007, 11:57:37 PM »
yeah, eeeeww
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #29 on: January 12, 2007, 04:28:13 AM »
And he says, "Keep an eye out for me."

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #30 on: January 12, 2007, 11:49:17 AM »
Never Seen on Hallmark Cards

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."

4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell
til I met you."

5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What was I thinking?"

6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me."

7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like
the need for therapy..."

9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before
this!"

10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take
this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that
are bigger than mine."

13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life-like!

14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl, chew toys."

16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?"

19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."

21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)

Offline Jnm594

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  • Fight! Fight! Fight the Good Fight!
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #31 on: January 12, 2007, 03:26:23 PM »

Quote
A group of old queens are sitting in a hot tub together, talking. Suddenly, a blob of cum floats to the surface. "All right!" screams one of them, "which one of you bitches farted?"

Ok, I just spit out my coffee onto my computer...

You people are sick and I love you!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
When it gets hard I always listen to my favorite song of all time..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEYu3KgWCE

Offline Oh501sguy

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2007, 08:16:27 PM »
Thank you ALL... these just made my night!

HUGS!   Chuck

Offline Just John

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #33 on: January 15, 2007, 07:35:52 PM »
I think it's time for an intermission -- hot dog anyone???

[attachment deleted by admin]
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline CaptCarl

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #34 on: January 15, 2007, 10:41:50 PM »
   So God is in His office up in heaven. It's been a really rough couple of centuries, and the stress is mounting. He confides in his Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel suggests a long overdue vacation would do wonders. God thinks on this for a few days, and then calls a travel agent telling him to find a vacation fitting for Him. After a few hours the travel agent calls back, with a list of potential destinations. First up was the Andromeda Galaxy, which God poo-pooed as too touristy. Next was Polaris, the North Star, which God said was too lame. The travel agent worked through his entire list, with God turning down each one for one reason or another. Finally, in a fit of frustration, the travel agent says "I know! Let's send you down to Earth. You made it Your Self. You know where all the really cool places are. It's been a long time since You've been there. Go on down and check it out! God looks at the travel agent and replies,"Earth! What are you nuts? Last time I was on Earth, I fucked this Jewish chick, and the natives are STILL yapping about it!"
    Capt.Carl. (who is adding this to the list of things he's going to burn in Hell for)
The only thing I can do straight is shoot..

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #35 on: January 19, 2007, 09:06:37 AM »
 Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the
 middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher
 asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
 "tragedy."
 
 So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
 One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
 farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him
 dead, that would be a tragedy.
 
 "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
 
 A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
 drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
 
 "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what
 we would call a great loss."
 
 The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson
 searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
 tragedy?"
 
 Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
 voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a
 missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why
 that would be a tragedy? "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Offline cph9680

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #36 on: January 19, 2007, 11:05:36 AM »
Fantastic, Rod!  ;D  ;D  ;D

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #37 on: January 20, 2007, 05:34:26 PM »
LOL Rodney  :D

Dan you posted the below but it fell to page 2 with 0 replies so I'm gonna copy & paste it here

_________________

New Viagra Names

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 :D

Offline Rockit

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2007, 01:52:11 AM »
funny >... ;D          MORE!
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline Rockit

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #39 on: May 08, 2007, 02:30:26 AM »
can we get more naughty jokes ;(
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #40 on: May 08, 2007, 04:44:50 AM »
WARNING: This one is anti-men and not one of mine; it was a text a friend sent that made me chuckle :D

"Mum?"..
"Yes dear?"..
"whats a cock?"..
"Oh thats the dangly thing between a mans legs"..
"whats a twat then?"..
"Thats the rest of him"


Sorry boys! :-*

This was also another text from same friend:

Boy playing with his train. Mum hears him say: "All you bastards getting off, f**k off. All you bastards getting on, f**kin hurry up!" Mum sends him to his room for 2 hours to learn to be nice to passengers. Two hours later he starts playing again. Mum hears him say: "Those disembarking have a nice day and mind the step, those boarding enjoy your journey and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame the fat twat in the kitchen...!"

Miss Melia :D
(who likes this thread every time its resurrected)

 

/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline StacheBC

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  • Hello
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2007, 11:12:29 PM »
What does David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in commun?

They both come in a posh box.

:o)

Offline Just John

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #42 on: May 09, 2007, 05:51:16 PM »
Not really naughty or rude but I hope they make you smile :D

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

New Alcohol Warning Labels:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that friends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
15. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline Rockit

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #43 on: May 10, 2007, 12:18:48 PM »
lol lol hehe i like this warning lables funny HEHE so true.. why do i call my friends or guys at 4 am lol coming back from mexico after a night clubbing lol. so true. and then i ask were u asleep? lol more?!

javi
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #44 on: May 10, 2007, 03:13:48 PM »
Another email from friend:

>Only in Ireland?

Vanilla Pudding Robbery
>
>Article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on
March 2.
>
>Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
>disabling the security system got underway immediately. T he
>robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
>cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.
>
>The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
>
>As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

>
>The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
>
>They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
>gold.
>
>
>Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
>Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
>nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
>newspaper headline read:
>
>IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING... ;D
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline Just John

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #45 on: May 10, 2007, 06:42:33 PM »
 :D Eeeeeugh!! Melia that was awful :D

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline Just John

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #46 on: May 10, 2007, 06:46:31 PM »
Still not naughty but I found them funny.

Male to Female dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......    Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male.....    The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....   Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....    Playing cricket without a box.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...    The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...    Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female....    A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male......    Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female....    A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......   Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female....    An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male......    A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......    The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..       Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female....    A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...    A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said.  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said. I would but you're never there.

He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said. We don't know; it has never happened.

She said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
He said. They already have boyfriends.

She said. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. A widow.

He said. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Offline Rockit

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #47 on: May 22, 2007, 03:41:52 AM »
hehee THINGY! lol loves it ...
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline Rockit

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Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #48 on: June 06, 2007, 02:36:01 AM »
BLOW JOBS!!!! 
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 

5. My ears are NOT handles. 

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?   

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.   

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.   

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" mig! ht have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.   

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.   

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. ! See also rule #2 about gratitude. 

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content. 

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.   

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."   

                           
WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish. 

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.   

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.   

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 

8. At least there is no danger ! of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 

9. Play with the balls. 

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep." 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? 
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline Rockit

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  • i want it all - i will shine
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #49 on: July 03, 2007, 01:36:33 AM »
(1)A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."




(2)
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"




(3)A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"
...after the storm, the calm......

 


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