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Author Topic: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?  (Read 12566 times)

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Offline Rockit

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
  • i want it all - i will shine
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #50 on: July 03, 2007, 01:54:14 AM »
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"
 ;D


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." :o




Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.
After examining him the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life." :-X




A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself ???
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline scud44

  • Member
  • Posts: 393
  • I am watching you
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #51 on: July 03, 2007, 06:49:08 AM »
With apologies to all Pope fans I give you this!

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope.
"You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life". So, the Pope offered to buy the camera
from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera" she said "how much did it cost you?"  "Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper,
"They must have seen you coming".
CD4 = 110 - 30 July 2007 - 10%
VL = 139000 - 30 July 2007
CD4 = 252 - 6th August 2007
VL = 16400 - 23rd August 2007
CD4 = 240 - 23rd August 2007
VL = 400 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 96 - 4th Sept 2007
CD4 = 120 18th Sept 2007
VL = 386000 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 160 19th Nov 2007
CD4 = 110 10th Jan 2008
CD4 = 311 29th Jan 2008
VL = <50 29th Jan 2008
CD4 = 148 2nd April 2008
VL = 110,000 2nd April 2008
June 2010 and nothing has improved

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,009
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #52 on: July 03, 2007, 08:33:27 AM »
Did y'all hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

 ;D

Offline JDP3

  • Member
  • Posts: 20
  • Gomez, are you miserable, my darling? Completely.
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #53 on: July 04, 2007, 11:31:51 PM »
What's the difference between a fag and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't make any noise when you pull the meat out!

(no offense intended and no animals were harmed)
"There is no beginning.  There is no end.  There is only the infinite passion of life."   -Frederico Fellini

Offline Carolann

  • Member
  • Posts: 233
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #54 on: July 06, 2007, 02:07:08 AM »
What is the dirties line on Leave it to Beaver?

Ward, Don\'t you think you were a little too hard on the Beaver last night?

Offline MoltenStorm

  • Member
  • Posts: 477
  • Poz & Fabulous
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #55 on: July 17, 2007, 03:59:04 AM »
Little Susie walked into Sunday School.

The Teacher starts out the lesson by asking the group of children which part of the body did they think entered into Heaven first, and why.

A boy named Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher asks, “Yes, Johnny?”

Johnny eagerly states, “Your hands enter into Heaven first because when you pray, you raise your hands towards Heaven. They’re closer that way, so they must enter first.”

The teacher says, “Very good argument, Johnny! Anyone else have any other ideas?”

A girl named Jenn raised her hand.

“Yes, Jenn?” asked the teacher.

“Well, I think your knees enter into Heaven first. When you pray before bedtime, you kneel down to pray, and that place becomes holy ground. Your knees become holy faster, so they would enter into Heaven first,” states Jenn.

“Also a very good argument. Anyone else?” says the teacher, surprised at the thought the children were putting behind their answers.

Little Susie timidly raises her hand.

“Yes, Susie? What part of the body do you think enters into Heaven first?” asks the teacher.

“Your feet,” answers the shy little girl.

“Why do you think your feet enter into Heaven first, Susie” asks the teacher, a bit perplexed.

“Well, I had a bad dream the other night, so I went into my parents’ room because I was scared. Mom had her feet in the air and was screaming, ‘O God, I’m coming!’ We’d have lost her if Daddy wasn’t pinning her down.”
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline newbernswiss

  • Member
  • Posts: 260
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #56 on: July 19, 2007, 08:05:26 PM »
Since I'm not a George Bush fan, this one makes me smile.......... ;D

[attachment deleted by admin]

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #57 on: July 20, 2007, 04:01:24 PM »
A drunk comes home from the bar at 3AM carryng a goat under his arm.

His wife was waiting in the living room with a scowl on her face and ask, "Do you know what time it is?"

The husbands say, "See honey, this is the pig I told you I have been screwing!" 

The wife says, "You old drunk, that is a goat, not a pig!!!"  The husbands replies, "Shut up bitch, I was talking to the goat!!!"
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline PJC0510

  • Member
  • Posts: 101
  • Life is worth living, so live it while you have it
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #58 on: July 20, 2007, 04:14:19 PM »
John was a great person, but he had a false eye, and like to dine alone due to this.

One evening he was eating and started choking and his eye flew out of the socket and this rather dashing young man snatched it out of the air and returned it to John.  John was so appreciative that he invited the young man to dine with him since he was alone also.

When the check came, John paid for both their meals and invited him back to his place.

Well, they spend the night in bed making passiionate love.  The next morning the young man wakes up to the smell of coffee and breakfast wafting through the air, and in pops John to serve him breakfast in bed!

The young man looks at John and asks if he treats all his dinner mates like this, John replied, "Just the ones that catch my eye!!
I may never beat HIV, but then again, it will NEVER beat me!

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #59 on: July 20, 2007, 07:15:07 PM »
A door-to-door salesman who had knocked on an apartment door was completely shocked to have the door opened by what appeared to be a 12 year old boy in makeup wearing a woman's dress and high heels while holding a martini glass in one hand and a cigarette in a holder in the other.

The salesman who was a little taken back the whole scene meekly asked the boy if his mother is home.

Without missing a beat and with an air of contempt, the boy takes a swig of his martini  followed by a puff of his cigarette and retorts loudly:

"Does it look like my fucking mother is home?!?"

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #60 on: July 20, 2007, 07:20:22 PM »
double post
« Last Edit: July 20, 2007, 07:46:43 PM by Iggy »

Offline pozguy75

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,239
    • POZitively Speaking
Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #61 on: July 21, 2007, 04:16:12 PM »
Two men walked into a bar...you think one of them would have seen it! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Dx 2005
ATRIPLA

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #62 on: July 25, 2007, 09:21:30 PM »
You'll luv this!  :D

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On
the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come
to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure
you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of
a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around
four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack
it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very
long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

Offline MoltenStorm

  • Member
  • Posts: 477
  • Poz & Fabulous
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #63 on: July 30, 2007, 10:16:35 AM »
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline MoltenStorm

  • Member
  • Posts: 477
  • Poz & Fabulous
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #64 on: July 30, 2007, 10:43:13 AM »
Gay Translator

I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.

Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.

I need you.
My hand is tired.

You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.

I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

He's kinda cute.
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?

Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, adaptation in A Walk To Remember

CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 7 Nov 2006
CD4: 555 / 29% / Undetectable - 5 Feb 2007

Offline Rockit

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
  • i want it all - i will shine
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #65 on: August 20, 2007, 12:24:52 PM »
hehe lol funny stuff. xoxo
Locker Room Etiquette
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xv1pu_locker-room-etiquette_fun
« Last Edit: August 20, 2007, 12:44:32 PM by Rockit »
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline Rockit

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
  • i want it all - i will shine
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #66 on: August 28, 2007, 01:46:52 AM »
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so big he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a butt I would fuck it[/color]


There once was a man named Kent
Whose dick was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double
But instead of coming, he went



To be real was Pinocchio's desire,
Of this dream he never did tier;
But he knew he was wood,
When he bashed on his pud;
And the poor little bugger caught fire


There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint


 
...after the storm, the calm......

Offline tester8888

  • Member
  • Posts: 182
  • 32,wm, gay, hiv neg at 7 weeks, friend is newly +
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?
« Reply #67 on: August 29, 2007, 11:32:42 PM »
An airplane flying over the ocean experiences complete engine failure and IS going to crash.
The flight attendants begin telling all the passengers to get in their seats, buckle up and assume the crash position.

When checking the bathrooms, the attendant finds a man curled up on the bathroom floor.
She asks the man to return to his seat.
He says "No, I have always heard that the bathroom is the safest place to be in case of an emergency!"
The attendant explains that it is not so when on a plane that is going to crash, and directs him to go to his seat.

On the way back to his seat, the man comes to a doorway, and braces himself in it.
The attendant instructs him to continue on to his seat.
The man says, "I have always been told that you will be safe in an emergency if you brace yourself in a doorframe."
The attendant explains that it is not so when on a plane that is going to crash, and directs him to go to his seat.

They continue on towards his seat.
On the way, the man sees a large black woman, and immediately puts his head up in her skirt and begins (well you know that thing us gay boys don't like to think about)
The astounded attendant screams, "SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  GO TO YOUR SEAT!"
The man replies, "Lady, No Way!  I have always heard that the safest place on a plane was a black box, and I intend to be up in the middle of the biggest one I can find!"        :o  :o  :o  :o  :o   :o   :o   :o


(hoping that was not too naughty)
7 weeks post exposure, tested HIV Negative.

Be Kind To Everyone You Meet, For You Do Not Know What Battles They Have Fought That Day.

Offline Rockit

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
  • i want it all - i will shine
Re: Naughty Jokes thread - Need to laugh?/ funny stuff
« Reply #68 on: January 07, 2008, 07:07:03 PM »
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. (THAT WOULD WORK YA KNOW. WOULDN'T TAKE BUT ONCE I BET)

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
I hope this will help you!
...after the storm, the calm......

 


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