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Author Topic: Worrying everyone sick!  (Read 4501 times)

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Offline upsetwife

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Worrying everyone sick!
« on: November 20, 2006, 04:53:57 PM »
Hi,

I've read the Welcome Thread and Lessons multiple times and have done extensive searching of the archives over the past couple weeks.  I'm still terrified. 

5 years ago, my husband had two episodes of uprotected receptive oral sex with another (also married) man.  Each encounter only lasted a few minutes and there was no ejaculation.  My husband swears he didn't taste pre-cum, but I remain skeptical that he could've completely avoided pre-cum.  Prior to these incidents, he'd tested HIV-Negative multiple times.  I fully believe him when he swears up and down that he has had no other risks beyond the 2 blowjobs.  At the time, I considered oral sex such a low risk that I didn't even think to have him test over it. 

Two years ago I became pregnant with our daughter and had a routine HIV test which was negative. 
Now I'm pregnant again, and suddenly terrified that he actually did acquire HIV through the 2 blowjobs 5 years ago.  Granted, I had unprotected sex countless times over the three years after his encounters and still remained negative, however I'm thinking maybe I could've just been really lucky not to contract the virus over those three years if he did in fact have it, while he could've been extremely unlucky to acquire HIV through only 2 blowjobs without ejaculation.  I've had sex with him about 15 times since my daughter was born--yeah, having a kid can really ruin all sex-drive, and am now thinking he may have infected me and I then infected my daughter through breastfeeding (she was tested at birth, also negative).

I abruptly weaned my daughter 2 weeks ago, as that's when my fears started surfacing.  Last week she seemed to have a slight fever one night, but she was behaving fine and felt normal by the next afternoon.  Several days later she developed a slight rash (looked like several small pimples) on her forehead and I started panicking about ARS and noticed she also had many tiny pink bumps on her stomach and back.  Within less than 2 days, all traces of a possible rash were gone.  She's only 19 months old--do you think ARS would be so mild?  Does that even sound like ARS?  There seems to be nothing online about seroconversion symptoms in anyone so young.  I'm thinking the "rash" could've been due to the fact that I've been so stressed out that I haven't been very good about giving my daughter baths or changing her clothes.  One night last week, she wore the same outfit for 2 straight days and also to bed.  I am normally a wonderfully devoted mother, but I become a different person when scared. 

I've been a wreck the past couple weeks.  Freaking out and screaming at my husband.  Neglecting my daughter.  Chainsmoking (which I'm totally against doing in pregnancy, but I can't help myself). 

I had my husband take a Home Access test last week.  We're going to call for the results either tonight or tomorrow.  I know the odds are in our favor...but still, I'm terrified beyond words.  I just keeping thinking "What if?"  My husband is NOT scared.  He claims he can't wait to get the results just to end this nightmare I've been putting us through. 

I do have anxiety issues going back my entire life.  Just this year, I've also convinced myself I could have a brain tumor and/or lung cancer.  I know I'm prone to quite irrational thinking as well as obsessive-compulsive tendencies. 

I just need some reassurance.  I'm losing my mind and just want to enjoy my family...

I'd also like to add that the people I've encountered on these boards are fascinating, lovely, wonderful people.  THANK YOU for all you do.  You're truly godsends! 

Offline sad days

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2006, 05:35:17 PM »
Hey Upset Wife.

Normally I would not thread hijack, but I do know about your issue.  The rash you are referring to is called Roseola (sp?).  It is extremely common with babies, especially after a fever.  By the way, babies get fevers all the time.  I too have a 19 month old.  She has had the exact same rash a few times.  This must be your first child.  Anyway, please call your pediatrician, and I assure you he or she will tell you the same thing.  Please think rationally about your HIV fear.  You obviously forgave your husband about his incidents and you have clearly tested Negative so far beyond any scope the the window period, so please calm down, stop smoking (it'll kill you), and talk to your pediatrician.  If you are really that nervous, go ahead and take you child in to get checked out.  Also, I forgot to mention that the Roseola rash does last from a couple days up to about a week, so be cool.  Your fears are totally unwarranted.

Take care

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2006, 05:43:47 PM »
Thank you for your thoughtful response.  The rash disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared.   The forehead was obvious, but the rest of the rash (on her stomach and back) was very faint.  I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been looking!


Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2006, 05:50:25 PM »
I also haven't tested since being pregnant with my daughter 2 years ago.  My husband and I have had sex since that time.  So if he'd been infected 5 years ago, I could've resisted the virus during the following 3 years (prior to my HIV test during pregnancy),  but acquired it over the past 2 years.  That is, IF he has it. 

Offline sad days

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2006, 06:02:59 PM »
I'm going to ge in trouble by the moderators if I continue to post on your thread, but your description of your baby's rash is righ on the money.  The forehead is more noticable (especially cause you're always looking at it) and the rash on the stomach and back can be very faint and feel or look like slightly pinkish or redish goose pimples.  It can also be a bit more splottchy.  Do yourself a favor and call your pediatrican.  You will take a huge cleansing breath and start loving your family (and yourself) again.  Also, your whole family has been tested.  Why are you even concerned.  Believe me, I know it is a scary thought, but let it go.  Please let logic rule here.

Have a great day!

Offline Ann

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2006, 06:07:31 PM »
upset,

It's highly unlikely that your husband would have become infected through two ejaculationless blowjobs.

There have been long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one. This shows us two things. One, condoms are very effective for the prevention of hiv transmission. Two, oral sex is much lower risk than previously believed. We now have the evidence that oral sex is a very low risk activity where hiv transmission is concerned.

I would suggest you talk to your doctor AND your husband about this and perhaps test together - NOT because I expect either of you to test positive, but to simply put your mind at rest. Pregnancy can be stressful enough without worrying about something like hiv.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2006, 06:16:38 PM »
Thank you, Ann.  I've read so many of your responses to others in this forum and have much respect for your opinion.   :)

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2006, 08:25:56 PM »
Okay, so we called the Home Access line to access my husband's results, and they said that he hasn't been tested yet.  We ordered the Rapid test and an insert came with the package that said results could be accessed the same business day that they arrived.  Now we're hearing wait three days and if they haven't tested his sample yet, talk to a counselor. 

Do you think they really just haven't tested his sample yet?  Or could there be a delay because the inital result was positive and now they need time to reconfirm? 

Also, thank you Sad Days for your comments on my daughter's rash, but the condition you described doesn't quite fit.  With roseola a high fever is present for several days followed by (looking at pictures) a quite distinct rash.  My daughter was very hot last Monday night (although she was acting fine so I didn't take her temperature) and by the next afternoon she was no longer feeling hot.  Signs of a rash on her forehead didn't appear until Friday night.  I noticed slight pink bumps on her torso and back on Saturday, but by Sunday afternoon (yesterday) everything was gone. 

Also, my husband has not been tested since the blowjobs.  His tests were all negative prior to the 2 blow jobs 5 yearas ago. 

I don't think I'd be so freaked out if it wasn't for my daughters brief hot spell--possible fever--and subsequent "rash" multiple days after the hot spell passed.  I guess what terrifies me most is that I could have hurt her through breastfeeding.  That is, if my husband was infected, and if I became infected through him.  Thinking I could do any harm to my daughter is just shattering. 

As for the two blowjobs, they were brief. No ejaculation.  My husband doesn't think he tasted precum.  He didn't have mouth sores or bleeding gums.  I've read so much on the serodiscordant studies, but I guess my fears stem from the thought that this guy could have been very recently infected with very high viral loads.  How risky would pre-cum in the mouth be in such a situation?  How theoretical is this risk?  I love the word "negligible," but it seems to good to be true. 

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2006, 08:32:30 PM »
You said your husband had his escapade five years ago and you had a test two years after that for a pregnancy. That being the case and if your husband didn't have anymore exposures then your test is conclusive. You can't give something to your child you don't have.

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2006, 08:38:06 PM »
I had a test 3 years after my husband's escapades, but my husband didn't.  So yeah, in three years of unprotected intercourse with him, chances are I would've been infected.  But perhaps I just got lucky?  We've been together maybe 15 times since my last test. 

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2006, 08:58:18 PM »
Again you couldn't have given your daughter something you don't have.

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2006, 09:27:46 PM »
Sorry if I sound annoying, but I'm a bit confused by your response...  My husband hasn't been tested since the blowjobs.  I tested negative three years after the blowjobs, but we've had sex about 15 times since then.  So all I'm really know is that my tests were negative 2 years ago and my husband's were negative BEFORE the blowjobs. 

By the way, sorry if I'm being inappropriate by saying this, but you're one of my favorite posters here. 

Offline sad days

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2006, 11:04:35 PM »
Okay Worried,

I'll try this one more time.  It's we who are confused here.  Your husband gave a couple blowjobs five years ago.  He never tested until now.  You've gone through one pregnancy with negative test results for both you and your daughter, two years ago and 19 months ago respectfully.  Why have you not had an HIV test for your current pregnancy?  Why are you waiting around for a phone call from a lab somewhere?  Why are you killing the baby in your womb by smoking?  If you are truly worried about HIV, which you shouldn't be, take the whole family down to a clinic and get each of you an Oraquick Rapid test.  It takes 20 minutes for you undoubtedly NEGATIVE results.  And don't quote me on this, but I believe your 19 month old is old enough to have the standard ELISA, which the Oraquick is.  Please do this for yourself, your daughter, and your husband.  And for God's sake, STOP KILLING YOUR UNBORN CHILD over something you don't have.

I'm sorry Ann, Andy, and Rod for the posts, but man alive, I can't believe she has to be told to do these very simple things.

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2006, 11:11:40 PM »
Um, my husband is waiting for his results at the moment.  I'm not scheduled to do my bloodwork for this pregnancy for another 3 weeks.  If my husband's test is negative, I'll know my daughter and I are also negative. 

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2006, 12:06:55 PM »
My husband's result was negative!  THANK YOU for all input and assurance.  I'm quitting smoking immediately and getting on with my life.   :D

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2006, 10:56:12 AM »
I'm sorry I'm back, but I'm getting nervous again.  How reliable are HIV tests?  I'm particularly concerned about my own test just over 2 years ago.  It was the only one I've ever received.  It seems as if so many others here are tested multiple times over one incident (2 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, etc.) and then periodically beyond that. 

Considering the seriousness of HIV and importance of knowing one's correct status, is one test enough?  At the time of my test, I hadn't been with anyone beyond my husband in over 5 years, so window periods aren't an issue.  I'm more concerned with laboratory competence.  How qualified are the people running these tests?  How many people may play a role in a single test?  I'd hate to think it all fell on the shoulders of only one person.  How likely is a lab or clerical error?  Are there many rules and safeguards in place to ensure that results are accurate? 

I'm terrified of my upcoming prenatal blood work, which includes an HIV test.  I'm not completely confident in my past negative result...

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2006, 11:24:41 AM »
HIV tests are very reliable. See a mental health professional for your unwarranted worries.

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2006, 10:43:30 AM »
From everything I've read, It seems the HIV tests themselves are extremely reliable, but it's the people running those tests and reporting the results that concern me.  By the way, I had an EIA test ordered through my OB/GYN's office and sent to an outside lab.  How controlled are these tests?  Is one test well beyond the window period an absolute indicator of my status?  I guess I'm just thinking that people should be encouraged to test twice, even when outside the window period, just to ensure there are no lab or clerical errors.  Can I really rely on single negative test result? 

The guy I was with 5 years before my test did engage in risky behaviors.  I'm particularly concerned with his obsession with tattoos.  He gave them to himself and also gave tattoos to his roommate and probably others.  I don't know his sterilization techiniques, or even if he had any sterilization techniques.  How risky is tattooing outside of a licensed shop?  My brother has several tattoos that were given outside of a shop also, so I'm applying this concern to his welfare as well. 

I'm in the process of finding counseling.  I know I have anxiety issues and many many irrational fears. 


Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2006, 10:44:02 AM »
Oops, sorry about the italics! 

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2006, 02:38:30 PM »
Well don't concern yourself with others. Your husband tested negative and unless you have been having unprotected vaginal or anal sex then your negative test stands.

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2006, 10:12:37 AM »
Okay, i simply cannot put this to rest.  I'm going to talk to a doctor this afternoon about my anxiety, but I'm still freaking out. 

HIV isn't a new concern to me.  In fact, it's something I've been obsessed with since I first became sexually active, at age 15.  I'm 29 now.  When I was tested 2 years ago, I was terrified.  I had several unsafe encounters in my youth--specifically, 7.5 years ago, 11.5 years ago, and 13.5 years ago.  All with guys who engaged in very high risk behaviors.  So my one test was definitely beyond any window periods, but still, I'm completely at the mercy of only one single test.  I've read everything I can find on the Internet about false-negatives and am still focused on the possibility, no matter how minute, of a a false result due to error. 

I just don't see how I can really be negative considering my past. 

Please, I need some reassurance.  Am I really just being irrational? 

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2006, 12:14:01 PM »
Would you would you really believe me if I tell you that you're being irrational?

You have more than reliably tested negative for HIV. You ARE HIV negative. Period. End of story.

What it looks like to me is the real issue is that you have some lingering guilt and shame about past experiences.  And maybe somehow imagine you're supposed to be HIV+ for same. You've been lugging this stuff around for a long time. Maybe you ought to see a therapist or other professional and get some help with addressing what's really driving this totally unwarranted concern.

Life is way too short to be spending it this way.

Andy Velez

Offline upsetwife

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2006, 06:00:30 PM »
Yeah, I grew up in the '80s when everyone was in a panic about HIV and attended Lutheran school, where they honestly told us that using the same bathroom as a LESBIAN used could result in HIV.  We were told 1 in 10 people could eventually expect to have it.  So yeah, my formative years were full of wrong and hysterical messages on the subject.  I know better now, however, I think somewhere there is still massive guilt and paranoia lingering in me. 

Thanks, Andy, for your response. 

Offline HIVworker

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Re: Worrying everyone sick!
« Reply #23 on: December 07, 2006, 07:08:54 PM »
Whoever you decide should shoulder the blame, it doesn't stop the fact you are being irrational about HIV. I was also bought up in the 80s, under threat of nuclear disaster etc etc.

Just understand that you don't have HIV.

Rich - who blames Duran Duran for crap haircuts.
NB. Any advice about HIV is given in addition to your own medical advice and not intended to replace it. You should never make clinical decisions based on what anyone says on the internet but rather check with your ID doctor first. Discussions from the internet are just that - Discussions. They may give you food for thought, but they should not direct you to do anything but fuel discussion.

 


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