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--- Quote from: DanielMark on June 18, 2006, 02:34:49 PM ---Why would I not want to give myself the best possible odds? If you think you will never find a compatible mate, then you probably wonít.

--- End quote ---

Agree...  whether you think you can or think you can''re right.    :)

Hi Jordan,

An optimistic attitude is just as easy to choose as a pessimistic one. Itís not rocket science, once youíre aware of. I know it sounds simple, but that's because it is. Nobody said it would be easy.

Iíve been jilted in love, and outright rejected. But I refuse to become some jaded old cynic because of that. Iím still here, and no way am I going to live in despair, no matter what anyone else chooses.

Significant other or not, I am responsible for my own happiness.

PS: I like your signature by the way.

My earlier post was written out of two impulses: insomnia-exacerbated bitterness (I don't normally post at 7 a.m., I hadn't been able to sleep all night) and a horror of New-Agey-Self-Helpesque-I'mOKYoureOK palliatives. I see plenty of silver linings. And I LOVE love. I love cheesy romantic songs (my friends mock me relentlesly for owning Air Supply). And it's not that I think I'm "undeserving" of love. Oh sure, like everyone I have (healthy?) doubts -- am I out of shape? is my nose too big? am I boring my date? -- but I would go so far as to say that I think of myself as a "catch." And sure, optimism (not necessarily a matter of choice, but anyway) is usually, in most situations, better than pessimism. Remember the Monty Python song: "Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Always look on the bright side of life..."

I suppose one function of these boards is to emphasize to the second sentence of that refrain, and that's a good thing. Or, switching from Monty Python to (supposedly) weightier stuff: Epictetus -- "It is not things, but ideas about things, that make people upset." And Hamlet: "... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

So... Do I think I'll find love, romance, compatible mate, the whole shebang? Yeah, maybe. Do I think it's inevitable? No. Do I think that I'll be single and lonely when I die, surrounded by gin bottles and crazy cats? Yeah, perhaps. Am I going to have plenty of fun on the ride? Damn right!

In-love-with-love Jay

I had the same thoughts you did when I was first caused me to relapse (alcohol and crack). Then, later, after some recovery, I was approached by woman (I'm straight) and didn't believe it when she wanted to have sex with me despite my disclosure (we were very careful and used condoms). We split, then I hooked up with another woman. I've since been with a total of four women in relationships. Each time, I disclose. We always wait before having intercourse, and I invite them to see my doctor so they get the information first hand from somebody else than me who will give them the straight story on the risks without any possiblity of being self interested.

Having HIV has made me a much more tender, open, communicative lover. We have very frank discussions about all kinds of sexual issues. I sure miss the spontaneity and freedom of no condoms but there are much bigger payoffs in the openness and loving that we share. Love and sex is really much better for me now than it was before HIV. Strange to say, but true.

Just hang in there, and be open with your potential lovers. You will know when and how to disclose. It's scary but also amazing how people react to so much honesty.

I had the same feeling that u had when I became diagnosed, or when I heard those few words that drastically changed my life. I told my bf, who has proposed to me a month b4, and he claimed that we will both work our way thru it. Mb he was just trying to put up a strong front or mb he was panicked, I am not sure. I then told my closest friends, who happen to b pos as well. They claimed that I was strong and resourceful and I will manage. I am still trying to this very day.
A month l8r of when I heard my results, my soon-2-b partner visited me. It seemed that he just cud not leave his hands 2 himself. I felt so ashamed and guilty that there were many of nights that I just cud not sleep, even in my own bed beside him. I slept out on the couch instead.
Thruout all my tantrums and depression, we r still 2gether. I just wud not b the same w/o him. I miss him terribly cuz he lives in London, UK. It has always been a dream that we both share 2 get me emigrated over there, but that is in itself a very SLOW process. There r more times that I feel that he has not researched fully what I have been going thru, but I know that he does care immensely.
What I am trying to say thruout this long, long story is that the "loaded gun" mentality is common w/ newly infected individuals; but over time it is kept in a very dark corner of the brain and rarely thought about. It is still there, but tucked deeply away from the normal struggles of daily living.
U will get used to it, it may take time. Time heals all wounds, or a majority of them. When this thought is somehow forgotten, u will find the "one". It may take time, but the "right" one will come along.


9/27/2005-1st test results
Viral Load >1,000,000
CD4 204
CD4%age 18
CD4/CD8 ratio .23
11/24/2005- Sustiva/Truvada
Viral Load 140
CD4 402
CD4%age .21
CD4/CD8 ratio .39
Next appt.-06/27/2006 (lab results)


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