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Author Topic: My world is falling apart  (Read 6810 times)

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Offline ihateme

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My world is falling apart
« on: November 13, 2006, 12:00:33 PM »
Hello all,

I don't know why I'm doing this, as I know it'll make no difference, I'm just so sad atm, but anyway...

I'm male. Married 9 years, and never cheated prior to this.

Usuall story: 8 1/2 weeks ago. Drunk, away from home, did the stupid thing with an Asian SW in an Asian country.

Wore a condom, but it was supplied by SW. Incident included oral(received only), vaginal and anal. Was a prolonged encounter 30-50 mins, and due to the alcohol, I did not ejaculate. I did j/o at the end unprotected, but I just couldn't cum. Two condoms were used over the course (separately)

Within about 2 days I started to feel not-quite-right in my penis and balls. Slight discomfort of the penis sort of like I had a rubber band around the base of the shaft. Also had slight discomfort just bellow the urethra. No discharge, no marks, and no stinging. But I did seem to need to urinate more frequently, but with less quantity.

Also at about day 2, I ate a hamburger that was a bit raw in the middle. Not sure if it was coincidence or not, but I started to have diareah a few hours later.

About 4-6 days later I went to the doctor and expressed my concern. I was told it was probably just trauma to the penis, and not to worry. BTW the doc also pointed out that I hade heat rash/chafing between my legs. I often get that in tropical climates, so at that stage I was not worried about that.

At some stage in the second week, as the feelings had not subsided, I went back to see the doc, but he was not there. However I was able to see another doctor who was an STD's specialist. I was tested for all STD's I think. I was also given antibiotics, forget name but it was for 20 days worth. Also given 2 pills I had to take on that day at the same time. Can't remember name of them either.

4-5 days later, I went back and was told all were negative. Still suffering the discomfort in the balls and penis.

The diareah lasted for approx 2 weeks, or until I was back in Australia, but stools were loose for about 5 weeks post the exposure. Had lower abdominal pains during a lot of this time.

The groin discomfort lasted for about the same length of time, or basically till I was submitted to an ultrasound of my groin area, where I was told I had a small Hernia.

Then late in the 6th week I noticed I could feel glands either side of my neck when I turned my head either way. I didn't have to touch them to notice them, however when I did touch them, I couldn't really feel them. The next day or so I had a slight sore throat, like the start of an infection, but it did not develop.

What did occur though, was aching in the back of my neck which also reached down to between my collar bones, headache in the in the base of my head above my neck, accompanied with fatigue. I have not felt like this before. This lasted for week 7 and 8. In the middle of this period, a gland in the middle beneath my chin, enlarged suddenly, and remained swollen for about 3 days. Doc confirmed this. The last 3 or so days the right side of my throat was feeling pretty weird too. Like it was strained or something?

Then in the last day of the 8th week, the symptoms of week 7 & 8, were gone.

I am in a mess right now. I feel like my world is falling apart. I am married and very worried about my wife(have been using condoms since I came home, but haven't/can't tell her about this).

I am seeing a psychologist tommorrow on the advice of my doc, and am supposed to test later in the week for HIV and Hep B and C.

I'm a wreck of a man at the moment, I'm sooo scared of the test and all these too coincidental symptoms I've had.

I like to think the headaches and fatigue for the last 2 weeks were from stress, but I haven't stopped stressing, but the symptoms did stop. Also the swollen glands concern me greatly.

I don't think I,ve had a fever at all throughout this period. But then I haven't been taking my temp at all. The doc checked though when my gland was swollen, and said temp was normal.

I know I used condoms for this encounter. They did not break. But I just have the worst feeling about all of this and the symptoms I've had.

I've never hated myself this much in my life. I can't bear the thought of losing my wife. She loves me so much. This will devistate her...


Q1: Can you feel the lymph nodes in the back of your neck if they swell?

Q2: Would they cause head, neck and back ache?

Long post, sorry 'bout that, but this is the first time I've posted anywhere about this. Guess I just needed to.

Prolly missed a couple of details. It's past 3am, I need to sleep now...

nite...
« Last Edit: November 14, 2006, 09:13:28 AM by ihateme »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2006, 12:08:22 PM »
THe bottom line in all of this is that you used condoms during this incident you are concerned about. They provide very effective protection no matter whom you are with and no matter if you're another one of us dogs straying.

Nothing you have reported either in details or in the way of symptoms is in any way suggestive of HIV infection to me. Given the level of your concern you probably will want to test for HIV just to collect the inevitable negative result.

Discuss your symptoms with your doctor if they continue. I'm glad to read that you are going to see a psychologist. That's a wise move. This is really about guilt and shame, not about any real risk for HIV. Torturing yourself is not a love tribute to your wife or your relationship. The most loving thing you can do for all concerned is to dump that overboard as quickly as possible -- those sessions with a therapist should help with that -- and get on with your life.

Just for future reference avoid situations in which there is excessive drinking. You're now in a long line of those who have found themselves drifting into situations they deeply regretted afterwards.

I don't see this is an HIV situation and I expect you will come out of it ok if you don't torture yourself to death.

Cheers,   
Andy Velez

Offline ihateme

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  • Posts: 15
Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2006, 09:36:57 AM »
Thanks Andy.

Pretty much what I expected to hear.

I would still like to know:

Q1: Can you feel the lymph nodes in the back of your neck if they swell? ie by touching the back of your neck

Q2: Would they cause head, neck and back ache + fatigue?

I ask this because during the 12-13 days I felt like this, the only definate lymph node swelling only lasted 3 days, and it was singular but may have the nodes in the back of my neck been swollen for the whole time?

I know I shouldn't be worrying about symptoms, but this was fairly intense head and neck discomfort, and the fatigue was profound.

Offline Ann

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2006, 10:15:13 AM »
Ihate,

1. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Different people's bodies are different. Only a doctor can reliably tell you if your glands are swollen or not. Keep your hands off them, as touching them all the time can irritate them, cause them to swell and keep them swollen.

2. Sometimes they can cause a feeling of stiffness. However, stress can also cause your muscles to feel sore and aching and can also cause headaches.

If you continue to feel discomfort, see your doctor. I agree with Andy - I do not see any of this as an  hiv situation. You did the right thing and used a condom and condoms have been proven to prevent hiv infection.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2006, 10:21:54 PM »
Q1: Is week 6-7 after a potential exposure, too late to start having ARS type symptoms? ie like the swelling of nodes, headache and fatigue etc

Q2: Can symptoms disappear then come back?

I have had about 3 days without the fatigue, neck aches and headaches, but the last 2 days I have started having aching in my neck and shoulders again with slight headache. Not so much fatigue, but I have also started to feel like I'm getting a throat infection. I also feel like I'm sweating at times when I shouldn't be.

I have no hunger for the last 2 days, and have to basically force myself to eat, and I have felt nauseous alot of the time.

Also, the discomfort in my testicals has returned. It's not as distinct or constant as before and is only in my left testical. Just a sort of light dull ache that comes and goes.

I'm still very scared by all of this, but I have decided to postpone getting tested until I'm at 10-12 weeks post exposure. I'm in week 9 atm. There is a significant personal event due to occur next week, and a positive test result would be even more devistating than it will be at another time. If that's even possible?

I really hope I'm just like most of the other "Worried Well" that come to sites like this, but I just have the worst feeling about this.

I've never really thought about or considered HIV much prior to this. I'm so sad and scared thinking about the posibilitiy of testing positive, sad for all the people that already have and the people who are going through the same period of anxiety as me.

I've never been more depressed. The worst 9 weeks of my life. True mental hell. I just keep hoping it's all coincidence and stress.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2006, 05:49:21 AM »
ihate,

1. Yes, 6-7 weeks is late. Symptoms, if they happen at all, normally occur between two and four weeks after infection has taken place.

2. No. They come all at once and go all at once. They don't come and go.

If your testicles are bothering you, see your doctor. This is not anything to do with hiv.

You really have no worries where hiv is concerned. Condoms prevent hiv infection.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ihateme

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2006, 08:34:33 AM »
Another bad day for me...

I slept poorly last night, sweaty and restless. Today I woke up feeling really tired, and that lasted most of the day. I was nauseous, but forced myself to eat. Then later in the day I started feeling really crap.

My throat feels like I have a burp stuck. I can't think of any other way to describe it, but it's very uncomfortable. It also felt like I had swollen glands again, but I couldn't feel them by touching. Slight headache, and felt slightly light headed at times. My stomach also felt like I was suffering hunger pains.

I took some Alka-Seltzers, and that seemed to ease these conditions, and I ate dinner which helped too, but I still don't feel great.

I'm nearing the end of week 9 since possible exposure, and from what I've read and been told, I shouldn't be having ARS symptoms, but feeling like this is scaring the crap out of me.

I have read some info regarding the physical effects of stress, and some of the things I'm feeling are listed, but I have been stressed before and never felt anything like this. I just hope my last nine weeks of stress is what is causing these problems for me. Certainly the most stress and for the longest time, I have ever experienced.


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2006, 10:17:11 AM »
Yah, yah, yah. And all of that stuff notwithstanding is that you used a condom and that means you were well protected. But not from guilt and anxiety.

If your symptoms are persisting you should discuss them with your doctor. This is not about HIV. Really.
Andy Velez

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2006, 06:14:57 AM »
I'm still scared.

Yesterday I still had neckache, and a gland on the RHS back of my head, just above my neck, was swollen and sore as well as one behind my ear.

Today I woke up and the gland on the back of my head, and behind my ear, was no longer swollen and sore, but I now have a gland/node that is palpable at the intersection of my neck and shoulder on the RHS. It's only small (less than 1cm) but I can't feel the same thing on the other side.

I (yesterday) have scratched at a lump/wart thingy on my scalp, to the point of bleeding, and desarately hope it's infected, and is what has caused the node swelling to occur, but it's just one thing after another.

I know I shouldn't be feeling around and looking for symptoms, but I just can't help it. And what makes it worse is the fact I have never noticed these sort of things before. On top of that is the fact that lymph nodes swell to defend against viral infections.

I'm into the 10th week since possible exposure. I couldn't/shouldn't be experiencing anything to do with HIV infection now could I?

Just seems like every day I wake up, and there is something physical to remind me of what I did, and what my body may be going through.

I want to get through this, and I keep telling myself how fragil the HIV virus is, and that I used condoms, but every day since it happened, my body is telling me something is wrong.

Sorry to keep posting my concerns, but I need an outlet. I can't confide in my wife(who is by the way my only friend), though I desperately crave her comfort, and I still have several days before I see my psych again.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2006, 06:34:29 AM »
You're wasting your time on this forum. HIV is not your worry. You had protected sex. Maybe it's time for more intervention from a mental health professional. What you need can not be received from this forum.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2006, 12:56:11 PM »
Fortunately feelings aren't facts. And the facts say that HIV is not the issue here.

As to your feeling afraid, that is not something that has any basis in HIV science.

Guilt is a whole other separate matter. You and your therapist can sort that one out.

If your symptoms persist discuss them with a doctor.

This is not an HIV situation.
Andy Velez

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2006, 01:15:30 PM »
I can't help but think the profile name you've chosen for yourself speaks volumes about what might be going on with you right now.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline ihateme

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  • Posts: 15
Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2006, 06:47:02 PM »
Back again,

I have got a week to go until I get the test. I'm still really scared and am still having weird symptoms that continue to scare me even more.

I have still been having strange feelings in the right side of my throat/neck, and now today, it is even tender to touch just to the right of my adams apple.

About 4 days ago I got a lump (looks like a boil) on the RHS base of my penis. I've had similar boils around my genitals before, but they usually come to a head then go die down after a few days. This one has been blind and not looking like getting better. I have probably made it worse by trying to force something out of it, and this morning I woke to find it has gotten bigger, and also a gland has swollen up in the RHS of my groin.

I realise the gland swelling is prbably directly a result of the sore (and my squeezing it), and the doc I saw this morning said the same thing. He gave me some anti-biotics for it.

Different doc to the one I've been seeing. I asked him about ARS symptoms at 9-10 weeks, and said it was possible (rare but possible), so this freaked me out some more, considering I had fatigue etc in the seventh and eight week, plus all the other stuff.

Oh yeah, my tounge has been white off and on for pretty much this whole time, but this morning it seems even whiter than it has been up till now.

I'm so afraid of all of these thing that have been happening to me. It's nearly christmas and I just don't think I'll be able to cope with a bad result. I'll lose everything if this goes bad. My job and my wife. That's pretty much all that matters to me. And I lose both if this goes bad.

I hope your all right, with the things you have told me so far, and get to say "We told you so!!"


« Last Edit: November 26, 2006, 06:51:37 PM by ihateme »

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2006, 03:33:36 AM »
Please don't be mad with me, but I'm still concerned.

The antibiotics seem to be reducing the boil or whatever it is on the base of my penis, but the swelling of the nodes in the RHS of my groin has not reduced much at all.

I'm concerned because despite the fact the nodes swelled up the day after I tried to squeeze the boil, they have not been painfull. I can feel them swollen without touching them, but they are not sore.

Q1. If lymph nodes swell suddenly in response to a bacterial infection, shouldn't they be painfull?

Q2. As the infection subsides, shouldn't the swelling of the nodes subside too?

The discomfort in my neck has not been present today, however this is the first day for some time. I finally worked out a way of describing the way it feels: It feels like someone has tried to strangle me. Like my throat has had physical pressure applied to it.

I woke up with a strange feeling in my left inner forearm yesterday. It was like it was burnt or bruised. There was nothing visable but it was slightly painfull whenever touched. When it wasn't being touched, there was no pain. Today it is back to normal. I don't remember doing anything to that part of my arm the day before so it was concerning.

I have also started to have fleeting joint pain in several knuckles on both hands the lats day or two. Very brief, but quite noticable.

Q3. The antibiotics will take another 3 day to complete. I think I've seen this asked before but, will the antibiotics effect the HIV test I'm intending to get next week?

Q4. When I get the blood drawn, it will be the end of the 11th week or the beginning of the 12th. Can I rely on this test as a conclusive indication of my status?  or should I truly wait another week or two?

Once again, I apologise for continued posting, even after your assurances, but I'm still very concerned by this whole incident. I guess I'm kind of using this thread as a kind of journal. I have a terrible memory and this is the only safe place I can keep a record of what I'm going through.

I understand if no one responds to me anymore, as you all must get very annoyed by the continual paranoia of people like me, but I hope someone will.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2006, 03:36:50 AM by ihateme »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2006, 04:32:31 AM »
You could test at anytime, YOU DID NOT HAVE A RISK.
Antibiotics will not affect an HIV test.
You don't need to test.
See a doctor for your symptoms. It's not an HIV concern.

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2006, 05:24:09 AM »
I'm going to have blood drawn for a HIV test tommorow. My doc has told me I'll be able to find out the results two days later at my next appointment with him.

I'm still freakin scared...

The two things that bother me the most is, the discomfort I had in my genitals, that I mentioned in my first post, starting within days of the encounter and lasting for 4-5 weeks. Also the two weeks of fatigue, headaches and muscle tension/aches.

I feel like I'm on trial, and I'm bound to be found guilty.

I'm just hoping like mad I've been putting myself through this "MENTAL HELL" for no reason, and I'll be able to put all this behind me and get on with my life.


Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #16 on: December 06, 2006, 09:10:26 AM »
I went to the doctor this morning to find out what my test results were. I was so scared when i got there, I was shaking.

My doc said he hadn't been contacted by the lab, which he said meant 99% chance I tested negative, because they usually contact the doc ordering the test if one comes back positive.

So I sat there while he looked through his folder of bloods to see if mine was there yet. It wasn't. So then I sat there while he made a phone call to the lab..... Then I heard him say "good" pause/listening "good" and so on. He got off the phone and informed me that all the tests came back negative.

I started to cry with happiness and relief. It was a very emotional experience I will never forget. I then spent the next hour with him while he councelled me over the whole incident. Was only supposed to be a half hour appointment.

While I was there he had the test results faxed to him, so I could see them in black and white for myself. I was tested for (I think) all STD's including Hep C, but not Hep B, as I have recieved immunisation for that.

The HIV tests were EIA and RNA. Being at 11 weeks post incident, I was told that that means I am absolutly not infected.

So here I am. Making my last post.

I have harboured so much anxiety over this incident for the last three months. I know and believe that I am negative, but I think it may take me a while to get over it. I was fully convinced I was positive, despite all the odds being in my favor, despite your excellent reassurances and despite the fact i used condoms. I was worried that because of how drunk I was, perhaps I didn't use the condoms properly. Perhaps I had, at some stage penertrated without the condom actually on. Perhaps the condoms were inferior or out of date or something? I dunno...Just kept creating "what if's" in my mind. And fueled with feelings and pysical symptoms, I was in a downward spiral.

I have learnt a lot during this period. Prior to this, I knew very little about STD's or HIV. Now I know quite a lot I think. I also learnt some things about myself. Some of which include what's important to me and what's not. There were a lot of things I just took for granted in the past. I gained a new appreciation for many of the things in my life. None more important than my wife.

This has been a terrible experience for me, and I never wish to experience it again. However, I do not consider it totally negative. As I said above, I learnt alot during this period, and I'm going to take that part of the experience as positive. "Learning is growing"

Well apart from saying thankyou very much for your help, and "you were right and I was wrong" that is all I have to say. I will not be back. This is now a little bit of secret history for me.

I wish you all the very best for the future.

Farewell




Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2006, 10:42:52 AM »
Damn!!

I really didn't think I would be posting back here, but....

I'm still having wierd symptoms I've never had or noticed prior to this incident. My neck still aches. My throat still feels like someone has tried to choke me. Every now and then, I get little twinges in what I believe are lymph nodes in my neck, shoulders and throat. I have slight, but noticable aching under my armpits, that extends down the side of my chest. Basically, every day I wake up and just don't feel right. I thought all my symptoms would go away once I recieved that negative result, but they persist.

I had my blood drawn for my test on the 79th day. My doc told me one of the tests actually checked for the DNA of HIV, but I'm not actually sure what the name of the test was. I think it was a something RNA test. The other part of the test was EIA. I didn't keep a copy of the test. Which by the way, was only a summary stating "Non-reactive" I think. It didn't have any figures like I see other people stating. Like no percentages or anything.

Now I'm worried about testing at 79 days and not going out fully to 12 - 13 weeks. My doc said I was conclusively Negative and could safely resume unprotected sex with my wife. Which I have done once. But now I'm too scared to have sex with her, incase I tested too early, and the excuse for the use of condoms has been passed.

Q1. Did I test too early?

Q2. or is a matter of 5 days not going to make a difference?

Q3. Can a RNA test be relied on at 79 days?

Q4. Could these prolonged aches in my neck and throat be anything to do with HIV?

Please don't say "You had no risk!". I'm also worried about this. I was really drunk at the time, and although I remember using condoms, I am not 100% sure I was covered for the whole encounter. It was a prolonged encounter, lasting nearly an hour. I just can't remember every detail and minute of it, and it scares me.

Please reply,

Thanks

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2006, 11:10:10 AM »
What would you like for us to say? You are HIV negative and that is all there is to it. See a doctor for your symptoms and aches and pains. You need to seek mental health treatment if you continue with this.

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2006, 11:28:39 AM »
So I can rely on the test taken at 79 days?

The combination of the two tests rule out HIV?

I want to believe that and get on with my life, but I'm worried about late seroconversion and testing too early.

However, then I think about all the symptoms I had prior to testing and think: surely if they were symptoms of HIV infection, one of the tests at 79 days would have most definately come back positive. Wouldn't it?


Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2006, 11:37:21 AM »
You're negative, period. You really need to move on with your life.

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2006, 12:05:23 PM »
Thanks Rod,

I will try.

It's just hard for me to get over this when I think that I may be putting my wife at risk. That and the ongoing feeling of being unwell every day. Even when I'm actively involved in activities that occupy 100% of my attention, I still feel unwell.

I feel stupid and ashamed for what I did, but I also feel equally stupid for allowing this to take over my life so much.

I wonder sometimes if I haven't become hyper sensitive to my body, looking for symptoms during this time? I wonder if I did feel these aches, pains and stuff prior to this, but just paid no heed to them because I wasn't worried? Maybe it's just because of my fear, that when I notice something now, I then dwell on it, thereby making it feel worse and more intense than it would have been had I not been worried about HIV? But then when I wake up feeling these things, even before I'm out of bed, I wonder if they really are different and real symptoms than I have ever had before?

I wonder if I have made myself unwell simply by being worried about being unwell, every day for the last three months? This amount of stress and anxiety for such a prolonged period must surely take a toll? Both physically and mentally?

I will try and put this behind me.




Offline Coffeechick88

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #22 on: December 18, 2006, 08:42:11 PM »
Yes, your anxiety and guilt and everything can put stress on your body and literally make you sick.  You also are more likely to notice every little thing and become convinced it means something.  Let's face it:  you screwed up and cheated on your wife.  You feel guilty and that is where most of this is coming from.  You have realized that what you did was horrible and you are punishing yourself and putting yourself under stress.  Please continue counseling.  Have you told your wife yet?  yes, she would be upset, but how can you survive if you cannot be honest with her and keep secrets like this?  maybe that is one reason you cannot move past it.  I hope the mental health professional will help you deal with guilt and anxiety and help you forgive yourself.

EDIT:  About telling your wife, that is strictly my opinion.  It is your choice to weigh the pros and cons, so ultimately it is up to you what you do in that situation and whether it would help or hurt.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2006, 12:15:03 PM by Coffeechick88 »
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Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #23 on: December 29, 2006, 08:19:25 PM »
I'm not getting over this :-[

My aching neck persists. I feel fatigued nearly every day. My throat feels tight alot of the time. I still feel twinges in nodes around my neck and shoulders at times. I get aching in my arms that feels like bone aches that come and go on different days.

And to make things worse, my wife is now complaining about a severe ear ache for the last 2 days. This comes approx 2 weeks since our first unprotected sex since I got my test results. I've kept all of my symptoms/aches and pains to myself so she is unaware of how I've been feeling.

I'm really worried and want to know:
(1.) Can a PCR RNA at 79 days that comes back negative, be relied on?
(2.) Same for the EIA?

Please answer

« Last Edit: December 29, 2006, 08:21:05 PM by ihateme »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #24 on: December 29, 2006, 08:38:57 PM »
In spite of what your mind is telling you, you're HIV negative. Period.

The PCR is a highly sensitive test. Although not designed for diagnostic purposes, it can sometimes yield a false positive because of its sensitivity. It doesn't give a false negative at the time you have taken it.

From my point of view this is really about guilt. You are a dog like the rest of us and you went straying. So now everything that happens or doesn't happen to either you or your wife physically is yet ANOTHER SIGN of HIV. It's your "scarlett A" or in your case a scarlett HIV. Of course it has no basis whatsoever in HIV science, but that's a detail you and your mind aren't interested in right now.

If your symptoms persist you should discuss them with your doctor. If you can't get past this unwarranted concern then see a therapist and get some help with the emotional aspects of the situation.

This is NOT an HIV situation. Period.
Andy Velez

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #25 on: January 19, 2007, 10:09:12 AM »
Something must have gone wrong with my whole scenario.

Despite testing negative at 79 days, the symptoms I had then have not subsided.

Every day my neck has been sore. Sometimes it's just a dull ache, but then at other times it becomes a sickening pain. I wouldn't describe it as stiffness, as I can usually turn my head in any direction without extra discomfort. It's just an ever present ache.

It often (nearly every day) gets worse as the day goes on, but I have woken in the morning on many occassions with the discomfort present.

At times it seems to radiate into my shoulders as well. Not both at the same time, but rather one or the other. I also feel discomfort around the front of my neck as well alot of the time, under my jaw and down the front of my throat. I also still keep getting strange discomfort in my underarm region that I've never noticed before this incident. No lumps or glands seem evident.

It's been over a month now, and I have had some sort of ache/discomfort in my neck every single day, and it seems to be getting worse the last couple of days.

I keep telling myself it's just stress, and I'm thinking about it too much, but when I wake in the morning and already feel it, it just seems to keep getting worse not better.

I keep reminding myself I was tested negative just shy of 12 weeks(79 days), and for me to not test positive by then I would need to have been really sick (imunosuppressed) which I wasn't. But I just can't get over having these persistent symptoms since my possible exposure, that I have never had before, and just won't subside.

I want deserately to believe in the results of my test, but I can't get past the coincidence of these ongoing syptoms.

This is going to sound really stupid, and I keep telling my self the same, but I've been wondering if my sample was even tested at all. I'm not sure where the lab is that carried out the tests, but I wonder if they actually tested the sample or not. I wonder this because it was just before Christmas, it was the first test at this lab, and maybe they didn't realise I was 79days post exposure. Maybe they thought  because it was the first test, the risk may have been too recent to warrant carrying out the test, and would wait for the next sample before testing it? Maybe it was positive, but they just couldn't bring themselves to give someone that result just prior to christmas? It all seems impossible, and I hope it is but...I am in the Australian military. The doc I have been seeing is Aust military, and I don't know where blood samples are sent for testing, but maybe the lab was Aust military as well?

I dunno? I think it, and then think it's absurd! But then I think, I keep waking up with this sickening aching neck which has persisted for so long, and think what else could it be? I haven't done anything to injure it. I sleep in the same bed I always did, with the same pillows. And yet, every day I feel like crap. Some days I actually take ibuprofen to mask the pain so I can carry on as if there is nothing wrong.

I have hurt my neck and back in the past, but no injury has ever given pain or discomfort that has persisted over such a prolonged period. It just scares the crap out of me. Too much of a coincidence in my mind for it to be anything else other that HIV.

I'm at approx 18 weeks post the possible incident now, and I realise anything I could be going through now would not fall under the name of ARS, but is it common for infected people to have illness/symptoms at this stage? Particularlly ache/sore neck?

As I stated, I want so desparately to believe in the result of my test, but this is freeking me out.

I'm afraid to have sex with my wife because of how unwell I feel. Since I tested negative I have only had sex with her three times, but I can no longer convince myself I'm safe to have sex with because of these ongoing symptoms.

I don't know what to do?

Can I please get a response over this issue from several of the mods here? I would really appreciate it.




Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2007, 10:14:11 AM »
You really need to seek a mental health professional and your doctor. You do not have hiv and the symptoms you are having have lasted way past what ARS would have lasted.

Offline ACinKC

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2007, 10:56:21 AM »
These sound like stress or guilt related symptoms.  Please listen to Rod and Others.  You did NOT have a risk but it does sound like you are punishing yourself for this incident.  Please seek the help of a counselor or therapist to help you through your guilt and anxiety.  It sounds to me like this is your main source of symptoms.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

Offline Ann

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2007, 11:28:32 AM »
ihate,

Instead of chasing an illenss you could not possibly have, why don't you get yourself to the doctor and let the doctor decide what is causing your problems? We cannot diagnose you here, we can only tell you that you have tested absolutely, conclusively hiv negative over a NO RISK incident.

If you cannot accept your negative results, seek counseling.

There is nothing more we can do for you here and if you insist on continuing to come here to question your conclusive results, instead of getting the proper help you need, I will have no choice but to give you a time out to encourage you to see your doctor and get some counseling.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ihateme

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2007, 10:39:46 AM »
Ok,

I need some honest answers please!

Despite my testing negative at 79 days(which I am now very dobtful of) I continue to suffer neck pain. Once I recieved the negative result, I fully expected to see all the symptoms dissapear, however they have not. I had assumed everything I was experiencing was due to stress and anxiety, and after my test, I continued to explain them away under that cause.

It's now 20 weeks since my possible exposure, and I have been suffering this continueing neck pain, on a daily basis for over 6 weeks or so. Every night I tell myself,"it's all guilt and stress. Tommorrow it will bealright", but every day it persists.

Sometimes it isn't so bad in the morning, but as the day goes on, it becomes overpowering. Other times, when I sleep in late, I can feel it before I am out of bed.

I am at a point now where I am petrified to got back to the doctor. I was given the "all clear" after my test, so I resumed unprotected sex with my wife. But now I am so afraid that I tested too early, or the test wasn't carried out at all.

My wife has had severe eare aches, been the doctor and been told not to keep cleaning her ears with cotton tips. She was perscribed eardrops of an antibiotic nature and the aches have gone since she has been using them, but she now complains fo extreme tiredness, even after a good nights sleep. This all freaks me out!!

I can't remember the last day I felt good or normal. Every single day, I feel aching in my neck.

The thing is, it's not the same every day. Sometimes it's a dull ache rigth in the middle at the base of my scull. On other days it's on one side, from my ear to my shoulder. And at other times, it's a kind of glandular pain beneath my jaw.

It just keeps freaking me out. And every day I am in a mental hell. Wondering if, despite my negative test at 79 days, I could be putting my wife at risk.

Im sure that if I wasn't feeling this continual discomfort in my neck every day, I would be well and truely over this. But it's just so disconcerting!

I also get aching/pain under my armpits from time to time, that I have never had/noticed prior to this. I can not feel any  lumps, but it is quite pronounced when it occus.

This is driving me crazy!

I just cant bear finding out I'm pos now, after going through the 12 weeks after the exposure, testing neg, then resuming unprotected sex with my wife! How can I possibly explain this to her?

I realise this is not ARS, but....

I would like answered:

Is constant daily neck ache something that happens to someone who has been infected? (from 9-20 weeks) (I'm too scared to read any other forums, including on this site)

I want to believe that it is not, but I have never had such continual daily pain, and it's just too much of a coincidence.

Please tell me (if it's true) it just doesn't happen this early!











Offline RapidRod

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #30 on: February 04, 2007, 10:53:16 AM »
The answer is simply NO. You didn' t have a risk. PERIOD. Do us all a favor and move on. You have done nothing to put you in the risk factor of contracting HIV. Go seek the help of a mental health professional to put this behind you. You are beyond the scope of help this forum can provide.

Offline Ann

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #31 on: February 04, 2007, 11:19:05 AM »
ihate,

Neck pain has nothing whatsoever to do with hiv.

You didn't have a risk. You tested conclusively negative. What's the problem? Go to your doctor and get a check up. Whatever is going on has nothing to do with hiv. No way, no how.

I want to remind you that if you keep posting over this no-risk, conclusively negative situation, I will give you a time out. This is your last warning. Go to a doctor and get your neck looked at. A couple visits to a chiropractor would probably sort you out - ask your doctor.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ACinKC

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Re: My world is falling apart
« Reply #32 on: February 05, 2007, 09:39:49 AM »
Causes
Most shoulder and neck pain results from injury to muscles and ligaments. The spinal cord, heart, lungs, and some abdominal organs also can cause neck and shoulder pain. Here are some examples:
Broken collarbone: Falling on your outstretched arm can cause your collarbone to break.
Bursitis: A bursa is a sac over the joints to provide a cushion to the joints and muscles. These bursa can become swollen and painful after injuries.
Heart attacks: Although the problem is the heart, heart attacks can cause shoulder or neck pain, known as "referred" pain.
Broken shoulder blade: An injury to the shoulder blade usually is associated with relatively forceful trauma.
Rotator cuff injuries: The rotator cuff is a group of muscles at the shoulder. These muscles can be injured playing sports with a lot of throwing or after repetitive use over a long time.
Shoulder or A-C separation: The collarbone and shoulder blade are connected by a ligament. With trauma to the shoulder, this ligament can be stretched or torn.
Whiplash injury: Injury to the ligamentous and muscular structures of the neck and shoulder can be caused by sudden acceleration or deceleration, as in a car accident.
Tendonitis: The tendons connect the muscles to the bones. With strain, the tendons can become swollen and cause pain.
Gallbladder disease: This can cause a pain referred to the right shoulder.


These are a FEW of the reasons for neck pain. What do you know...no HIV listed.   I personally  am convinced its guilt and stress.  But hey, dont start listening now.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A
RIDE!!!

 


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