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Author Topic: Insight please!  (Read 1649 times)

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Offline RevMC

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Insight please!
« on: November 18, 2006, 10:25:35 AM »
Louie's still on the TPN and albumin.  He's starting to eat a little bit, not much though.  It's still a chore for him to do so.  Boost, instant breakfast and broth is about it once in awhile.  Not getting sick like before.

Here's my  problem, dilema.

On the way up here this week to his mothers house, I started to dread coming up here.  I love him and miss him when I'm not here, yet I didn't feel like coming up.  The feeling has since passed but it troubled me to know that I felt this way.

I'm also so lonely for male intimate contact.  With him on I.V.'s 24/7 when I am up here he has to sleep on the couch.  Neither of us wants to get tangled in the I.V. tubes and accidently pull out the pic-line.  Though we haven't been intimate in over 3 years, and no I haven't been with anyone else.  I stilll miss sleeping next to him, I miss a warm body next to me.  I miss wrapping my arms around another man and cuddling during the night.

One part of me says that it's wrong for me to feel this way, yet another part of me says that this is normal.

In one way I want to meet someone who would understand and hook up on the side with no strings what so ever, yet I'm not sure I could do this without feeling so guilty.

Has anyone gone through what I'm going through?  Any advice? (Good or bad I'm open to your opinions.)  No debate or arguments, just advice either way.

Thanks for letting me vent. 

Rev. Michael Carbone
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE

Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

Offline Blixer

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Re: Insight please!
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2006, 08:49:18 PM »
Sounds like you have a little good news.  But Wow, you bring up a whole bunch of issues in this post.  Have you expressed any of these concerns to Louie?  I'm not sure there is any right answer.  I definately have never been through what you are going through.  But since no one else has seen fit to jump in here I'm going to share a few thoughts.

As you are aware, this world is far from perfect.  Sometimes there isn't a single right answer.  I think part of it comes down to the expectations you have for yourself and your partner and the expectations your partner has for you.  I think one thing to think through is if you do seek that intimacy or companionship elsewhere (assuing that the expectation up to this point has been one of being mutually exclusive) how will you feel afterward. If you do that and it causes significant guilt or causes you personal issues then the situation you are in may be preferable.  I'm not suggesting that is the only consideration.  Just one thing that probably should be in the mix.

I've tried to think about what I might do in a similar situation.  But in every one of my relationships the other partner has sought additional sex outside of the relationship so I'm not sure I would have an unbiased opinion.

Just something to think about. 
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Eldon

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Re: Insight please!
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2006, 10:21:50 PM »
Hey Michael,

This one is a tough call. It boils down to your "choice" in which direction you are going travel from this fork in the road. Love is where your heart is. You know from within you where your your True Love resides.

Gratification is part of an emotion that each and every one of us deals with on one occasion or the other. When the thoughts of our minds are presented with this emotion, it triggers yet another series of thoughts behind that initial one. (eg shame and guilt)

With intimacy it truly is a delicate matter that needs to be addressed from within. When you are with Louie, communicate with him and share with him what you are feeling and get his feedback.

Michael, you will want to meditate on this matter in order to gain "clarity" of your "choice" of what your next move will be. Listen to your heart.

Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline carousel

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Re: Insight please!
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2006, 10:42:17 PM »
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 10:12:32 AM by carousel »

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Insight please!
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2006, 10:57:18 PM »

I feel for you.   This is a predicament no one can truly understand unless they have 'walked in your shoes'.   There is no way you can act on your desires without feeling guilty, so know that up front and prepare yourself accordingly.  I would never tell you what is right or wrong, but I do know that sexual urges are a normal part of life, and I think in this case, what someone doesn't know won't hurt them.....take care of YOU.


"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline RevMC

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Re: Insight please!
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2006, 11:58:19 PM »
TY everyone.  I appreciate the insight.  Just needed to vent a bit as well.  We first had a monogomous relationship for the first few years, then we opened up the relationship until he got sick 3 years ago, then he wanted to close the relationship out of fear that I would leave him.  We were well knwon for the parties we had, even had our 2'nd bedroom converted into a play room for those fun times.

So I agreed to close it, even though I told him I would never leave him.

Friends of ours have mentioned to him about giving me permission to go outside the relationship for sex.  These friends started out as play buddies on a regular basis, now they are the best friends we have.  None of us has played around in about 3 years.  Though I know one of them still wants to play around with me, and the other said he would feel guilty without Louie involved.  So nothing has happened.  Louie said to them that he knows it must be hard on me and he would think about it.

I'm not going to bring this up with Louie since I don't want to offend him or make him upset more than he is.

I won't post what I'll do if anything but I do appreciate the support and allowing me to vent.  I feel that by venting it may help someone who may be in the same situation that I'm in.

TY everyone.  If anyone wants to chat off board, e-mail me and I'll get back to you.

Rev. Michael
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE

Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae


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