Main Forums > Living With HIV

First time since we found out

<< < (3/3)

Wow Teresa

I was touched by your post. (Part of me's jealous. I'm all like, "I want a guy who feels that way about me!") But aside from the jealous note, he really loves you, and part of him wants to protect you at all costs. The other part may be shame or a form of self-punishment. He may feel since he has this virus that he's "not worthy" or "doesn't deserve" to feel connected with you in *that* way.

Like everyone else has said, be patient with him, hun. A lot of people say that women are the emotional/fragile of the sexes. Ironically, it's men. We're very emotionally fragile creatures for the most part. Give him lots of verbal and tactile support, and definitely let him know that you're going to be there for him and you two are in this together.

Counseling could also be a very good idea too. I don't know how your hubby feels about it, but it's a very helpful option.

I wish you the best, sweetheart, and I hope he's able to work through that fear.

It was awkward for us the first time after diagnosis, for a few months actually. It sort of felt like the first time...where does this hand go? Shift leg here, be careful, wash your hands- neurotic thoughts that really made no sense, but were still there...

I think all that is very normal. Go very slow. There are no rules saying you have to have intercourse with every event. If it would be easier, do a cuddle only night, then make-out night, then progress as you are comfortable. You both logically know the risk of transmission with safe-sex practices. It will take some time for logic and your heart to be in sink with each other.

In my opinion, the most important thing is to keep talking. Tell your husband how you are feeling, and let him tell you everything he is feeling. There will be some thoughts and fears that might be hard to share and hear, but for right now, it is very significant to get everything out of your heart. With time, those fears will lessen, and your passion will return.

I think to, as we age, the passion and love in a long term relationship evolves. Sex at 20, is not the same thing as sex at 40. Appreciate and understand that those dynamics are going on also. We HIV'ers just have all the normal evolution with that extra "fun" stuff to deal with.


I wasn't going to answer you on this post, because I am not a straight man, nor am I a straight woman; but in the end, some of my experiences might be of service here.


First off, you guys are supposed to be married.  As a Gay man, I don't know what this is like, as I live in a country that has/is doing it's damnedest to make me and all of us God/ess designed as Gays "non-people".  As a married couple; there is every expectation that you will be together for a very long time, or until "death do you part".  I bring this up, because one failed attempt at sexual play after this short of a time is not to be unexpected.  There will be many more "failed" attempts at sex, this is just the way it is. 

I need you to think about his feelings here for just a second.  I know what he is going through as I have been there, and felt those feelings.  He doesn't want to be responsible for infecting you, he doesn't feel all that good, there are loads of details that are racing through his head at that specific time, and there is little wonder that he was incapable of enjoying sexual contact.

For practical purposes, I would suggest  that you both FORGET sexual contact for the time being.  Re-order your lives by going the "simple" route for now.  Douse him with little affectionate things that make him feel good and comfortable.  If he likes to see you mincing about the home in your panties, close the house up and serve him beer naked.  What the hell, this is both your lives, and anything you guys can do to come to some comfort in your own skin, will help in his emotional healing.  Remember, he is now dealing with a DEADLY Disease, and in his mind, he and his body are toxic as hell to you. 

Finally, go to a good "toy store" and find a Cockring that will fit him well, and not be irritating.  You might have to spend a little cash here, but he will thank you so very much.  Please make sure to stay away from the pills, there is not really good science behind them yet, and for him to use them without being HIV+ for some time and under care for a longer time; would not be advisible.

Try to focus on simplistic things that will remove his discomfort and keep him focused on the many many things that you guys CAN do safely.  Remember, safe sex is not boring, only uncommon.

In Love and Support.

I'm in the same boat as Your Hubby.  Having HIV is one thing.  Giving it to someone You love is something else.  It scares the hell out of me every time My Wife and I have sex.  A good friend of mine went thru the same thing and got past it.  It may take some time, but with good communication it should work itself out in the end.  Give it some time. 

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I found out I was positive only about 30 minutes after having unprotected sex with my wife. I'm not sure how many times we had sex between when I got sick a few months before (when I most likely became pos.) and finding out from a phone call a few days after giving blood.

It was also only about 10 days before we went to mexico for a week on the beach. We never used condoms as I was "fixed" after out two kids more than 13 years earlier.

We now use condoms for intercouse and oral sex ( she bought them for the first time for the vacation) and we did have one come off about 6 months into this whole thing andhad the contents spill out on the outside about 6 months after that. Why tell you all this? Well even with my VL in the 250,000 range and even over 300,00, she didn't get it. There is no such thing as no risk.... but it isn't automatic that you will get it from an accident.
She was tested every 6 months for 18 months then once a year, (last time just about 2 months ago) she remains neg. I hope you will too! Good luck!



[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page

Go to full version