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Author Topic: Dating and Disclosure  (Read 1791 times)

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Offline hermes

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Dating and Disclosure
« on: November 12, 2006, 11:18:14 PM »
Hey guys...

I met this guy online recently and we've since chatted online, then the phone and then promptly met up a couple of times to hang out. We had an instant connection and had a couple of makeout sessions that never proceeded to sex. This is a situation where there is obviously emotional involved and I just can't see myself having sex with him unless I tell him. Even if it's totally safe and protected. Is the third date a reasonable time to tell someone about one's status or should i wait a bit longer to see if this develops further? Any advice/help/personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.


Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2006, 11:28:44 PM »
Hello Scott,

When it comes to the disclosure topic...the "choice" of "when" is up to you, when you decide to tell him. Look within you and you will know "when" it is time to tell him.

However, it is the 3rd date and you both are still getting to know each other. Again, let your conscious be your guide to make your "choice" of "when". The sooner the better is the BEST for the both of you.

Make the BEST of each and every Day!
« Last Edit: November 12, 2006, 11:30:45 PM by Eldon »

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2006, 11:47:26 PM »
Hi Scott,

When I tested positive 12 years ago, I was told, "60% of all gay men who live in metropolitan areas are HIV +, whether they know it or not".  I applied for a position at the San Francisco AIDS Foundation a couple of years ago... they said, "60% of all gay men who live in metropolitan areas are HIV +, whether they know it or not".  Chances are, your disclosure may be as simple as talking about the weather.

I came from Los Angeles and currently live on the Russian River and have been disclosing to the press for a few years now.  Viral load, T-Cells and side effects are all street corner talk to me but each individual is different as the individual and you do need to have that talk.

I remember the first time a man disclosed his status to me.  I was HIV - at the time.  I replied with, then there are things I would want to do with you and we can't do... However, there are lots of other things we can do.  I stuck with him for years, was with him when he passed on and still have his photo framed and hanging in my house.

I also remember another friend who never disclosed his status to anyone and never got medical treatment.  He told his parents on Thanksgiving and died before New Years, I was with him when he passed on.

Even if sex is not an immediate issue but you think this man may be the one, you do need to pick your time and have the talk.  Have the best day


Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,839
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2006, 04:01:57 AM »
the sooner the better.

Off Crystal Meth since May 13, 2013.  In recovery with 20 months clean time.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2006, 04:31:55 AM »
Hi Hermes,

I'd say it depends on your expectations. If you believe this person is someone you want in your life long term, then by all means let him know. You could simply raise the topic of HIV indirectly in casual conversation, and see how he responds to that, then proceed to the next step. (In other words, check his knowledge on the subject.)

Just be sure first that you feel emotionally prepared for either a good or not so good result. Who knows? Maybe he is HIV positive too.   




Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2006, 05:38:27 AM »
Hi Scott.  You might take a look over recent threads which also cover this, which is not a criticism of bringing your particular situation up, but in the hope that the logic we pushed around before might help you.  Since you felt an 'instant connection' and emotions are (already) involved, you are, to my mind, 'right' that you can't have sex with him, and wouldn't want to have sex with him because it's not 'just sex,' it's making love for you, without disclosing to him.  There is no good time to do this.  Daniel has offered a good approach, bringing the subject up and testing the waters.  I suggested in the earlier threads that I would use email/voicemail so that the person would not have the deer caught problem, with me watching for his reaction.  The earlier threads are important as well because in some cases, the person moved away.  In at least one case, the person moved away and then came right back.  In a third case with LongIslander, the two guys said 'so what?'  I offer my support however you do this.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Javicho

  • Member
  • Posts: 268
Re: Dating and Disclosure
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2006, 03:35:51 PM »
My first question will be if you talk to him about the HIV in any way or if he ask you before. Many times when we are asked we said (No  I"m negative) and then we think is the correct moment to disclosure.
I think for other people is more important what do you say first and if you guys have not talk about your status then you will find the correct moment to do so.

(based on my experiences)


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