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Author Topic: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.  (Read 924 times)

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Offline LiveWithIt

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I'm looking for a gay roommate, but I'm not sure if I want to disclose my HIV to them.

I'm undetectable (so as far as I know it could not transmit, certainly not casually)  and I would test the waters by saying that I have a lot of HIV poz friends and see how he reacts.

What do you think on this topic?
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline mecch

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2014, 08:51:34 AM »
Well don't make up stories. Do you have a lot of HIV+ friends?

If you want to tell him, just tell him straight out. 

Who knows in your social circle?  If your family and or friends know, I don't see many downsides to giving this info to your roommate.  I see upsides.

However, if not many people know, then keep in mind, once the info is out there, you don't control it anymore.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2014, 08:58:20 AM »
Don't you live in Fort Methdale? I don't think anyone is going to car in the first place and you'd probably have a 50/50 chance that the roommate is HIV+ as well, certainly the further over the age of 35 you go.

But why bother at first at least -- have the guy move in and then in a couple weeks, get drunk with him and spill the beans just to get it out there. It's not like you're going to be having sex and shooting up together, right?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Irish Eyes

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2014, 09:03:37 AM »
I wouldn't worry about it. You have no reason to disclose.
No doubt it will eventually come up in conversation.
However s/he may not be willing to disclose even then.
Oh, the quandary.
10/30/13          Exposure
Mid-Nov-Jan    Seroconversion (7-8 rough wks)
12.26.2013      WB dx. HIV+
02.01.2014      OraQuick (result Negative?)
01.31.2014      VL 250700
02.03.2014      CD4  491  26%
02.26.2014      CD4  503  26%
03.05.2014      HLA B6701  not present
03.18.2014      VL 530873 (typical fluctuation)
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Offline mecch

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2014, 09:18:14 AM »
I am assuming the OP wants a roommate who is totally cool about it, thus wants to screen out the outliers who might not be cool.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Dan0

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2014, 09:31:24 AM »
Ever see 'Single White Female'? On the off chance that the wine & roses turn into vitriol and rabbits cooking on your stove, why give away more than you need to at first? It's no big deal BUT until you really know that this person in sane, empathetic and long-term roommate material, why share too much in the beginning?

If they do turn out to be less than favored for roommate material, the relationship will sour up until the lease is over. He or she is a roommate in the beginning - not a confidant or a friend. He or she is still a stranger but in close proximity that you essentially don't know. You probably have more of a relationship with your neighbor now than this new roommate and you probably haven't told your neighbor. Just tread the waters for a short time.

Now, if this is a person who you DO know, do have a bit of trust in, have shared social circles, then it may be different.
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2014, 09:55:13 AM »
Ever see 'Single White Female'? On the off chance that the wine & roses turn into vitriol and rabbits cooking on your stove, why give away more than you need to at first? It's no big deal BUT until you really know that this person in sane, empathetic and long-term roommate material, why share too much in the beginning?

If they do turn out to be less than favored for roommate material, the relationship will sour up until the lease is over. He or she is a roommate in the beginning - not a confidant or a friend. He or she is still a stranger but in close proximity that you essentially don't know. You probably have more of a relationship with your neighbor now than this new roommate and you probably haven't told your neighbor. Just tread the waters for a short time.

Now, if this is a person who you DO know, do have a bit of trust in, have shared social circles, then it may be different.

The development I live in does not allow people in without a background check so at they would have to pass that first.  It's not a guarantee, but it's better than nothing.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2014, 09:57:12 AM »
Well don't make up stories. Do you have a lot of HIV+ friends?

If you want to tell him, just tell him straight out. 

Who knows in your social circle?  If your family and or friends know, I don't see many downsides to giving this info to your roommate.  I see upsides.

However, if not many people know, then keep in mind, once the info is out there, you don't control it anymore.

Yeah, all my friends are poz.  I met most in a poz support group. 
I don't want it to get out since I live in a straight neighborhood.   I'm a very private person but hopefully when I tell him about my friends I can gauge his reaction well enough and if he tells me he's poz then it would be great.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2014, 09:59:01 AM »
Don't you live in Fort Methdale? I don't think anyone is going to car in the first place and you'd probably have a 50/50 chance that the roommate is HIV+ as well, certainly the further over the age of 35 you go.

But why bother at first at least -- have the guy move in and then in a couple weeks, get drunk with him and spill the beans just to get it out there. It's not like you're going to be having sex and shooting up together, right?

I'm about 12 miles from Fort Bottomdale is a straight neighborhood. 

I don't like the don't bother to mention anything at all, I don't want him to get freaked out if he learns it and tells all my neighbors.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline Dan0

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2014, 10:27:49 AM »
Chances are that you have nothing to worry about - I would hope that most gay individuals are fairly versed in the nature of HIV.  Then again, one round through the forums and you can find that not to be true. 

I'm not certain how you would advertise the availability - if there were an opportunity to have an email exchange or conversation before meeting you could certainly guage the reaction, still not have them under roof and underfoot at that time but be able to sift out all the people that would have an issue with it. A simple, "You tell me about yourself, I'll tell you about me" exchange. 

You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD

Offline zach

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  • not fade away
Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2014, 10:28:53 AM »
my thoughts,
1st disclosure is a one way street, you cannot unring that bell. once done, it cannot be undone and the information cannot be controlled by you any longer

2nd what purpose do you need this disclosure to serve?

3rd casual contact?!? disclosed or not, HIV is NOT transmitted by casual contact. you DO understand that right... right??

4th you're going to tell him about your friends? hellz no, never disclose another persons status, thats fukt up.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline tednlou2

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2014, 05:08:54 PM »
I can understand not wanting to feel you have to hide your status in your own home.  My best friend, since 4 years-old, lived with us for several years.  I never told him my status.  He is very narcissistic and everything is always about him.  Plus, he cannot keep a secret.  As soon as he knew, then it would be a matter of a week or two, before all my family knew.  It was one of those debates-- What purpose would it serve for me to tell him?  I would not get any emotional support and it wouldn't bring us closer.  I've been asked why we were friends.  Well, we grew up together and were like family. 

Anyway, I did have anxiety (a little) over him finding medical labs or overhearing something.  But, he is so narcissistic, that very obvious tells went right over his head.  So, if you would feel anxiety and nervous about a roommate finding out, then that wouldn't be a good way to live.  If that's not you, then if he finds out, then he finds out.  You can discuss it then.  But, it sounds like your prefer to have this out from the beginning.  Nothing wrong with that and is admirable.  We likely wouldn't keep cancer a secret.  If you have no worries over others learning your status, then you don't have to worry about backlash.  And, telling a roommate doesn't need to result in "emotional support and bringing the two of you closer."  Your situation is different, in that way. 

All the best with this.     

Offline mleatherboy

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2014, 05:40:52 PM »
Quote from: LiveWithIt
I'm looking for a gay roommate, but I'm not sure if I want to disclose my HIV to them.

I'm undetectable (so as far as I know it could not transmit, certainly not casually)  and I would test the waters by saying that I have a lot of HIV poz friends and see how he reacts.

What do you think on this topic?

It's completely up to you. Some people feel that those they live with or interact with daily (friends or roomates) should know if they are gay, poz, or whatever. I don't think you should say you have lots of HIV poz friends. It sounds like a way to skirt around the issue. Just like telling a straight person (that you don't want to know you're gay) that you have lots of gay friends. They might too, but it's partially irrelevant to what you're trying to tell.

My opinion of it is if I'm going to live with someone whether they're a friend, ex, or hell even a family member. Since HIV is part of my life and if an emergency ever came up I believe it's important to let them know. It's where you live and home is supposed to be your base or safe zone too. If you live somewhere where someone thinks your straight (if your gay and they don't know) or doesn't know you're poz and medical things come up, for me at least it would make things uncomfortable. I got thrown back into the straight world again going to school and hearing the homophobic jokes all the time really pissed me off but I stayed silent because I'm not that great at school and didn't need to be more isolated then I already was.

My roomate knows I'm poz but we've also been friends for a long time. I don't have to hide when I have to take my pills, or if I'm feeling out of it he at least knows the status of my health. He's HIV Neg, but I feel better in a sense knowing that he knows because he's a friend.

Quote from: LiveWithIt
The development I live in does not allow people in without a background check so at they would have to pass that first.  It's not a guarantee, but it's better than nothing.

Don't think that a background check protects the neighborhood from everything. Most apartments and complexes do. When I lived in an Apartment in the city there was a break in at one of the apartments in the area and I was freaked out. My roomate at the time calmed me down. He explained something to me like where you live and just because you live in a gated community with background checks doesn't mean there won't be crime, theft, or things like that. Basically not to have a false sense of security and be aware. Wish I could have remembered how he phrased it better. Another kicker is my dad lives in a really nice condo area and a few months ago there was a drug bust or something in someone's condo. The more you know.

Quote from: Miss Philicia
Don't you live in Fort Methdale?

lulz. Fort Methdale? I seriously thought you were talking about the name of some strange city at first. To be fair both times I went to Fort Lauderdale I never met anyone who did meth.

Quote from: LiveWithIt
Yeah, all my friends are poz.  I met most in a poz support group. 
I don't want it to get out since I live in a straight neighborhood.   I'm a very private person but hopefully when I tell him about my friends I can gauge his reaction well enough and if he tells me he's poz then it would be great.

Okay, I can see why you brought up the friends now. You're right if you casually mention something like gay, poz, it is a way to gauge someone's reactions or feelings towards the subject. I think it ties it a little too close to you if you say, "m y friends". Pick some news article or something relating to AIDS/HIV. Talk about gay rights and issues or something and veer it to Poz guys and see what his reaction is. That's how I'd do it at least.

Also, as some said they are right. If you aren't really open about being poz with others I don't think it would really happen, but there's always the chance for whatever reason he could go tell your family, and people close to you. If you cannot afford that happening or couldn't handle that then you probably shouldn't say anything.

But knowing that you do live in Ft. Lauderdale there are actually quite a few poz guys there and I hear decent healthcare in broward county. I think you'll be fine. Yeah, I have heard it called Ft. Bottomdale at least. I've found that not to be so true though.

Quote from: zach
4th you're going to tell him about your friends? hellz no, never disclose another persons status, thats fukt up.

Believe it or not Zach in some community type environments it's actually quite common. I don't believe the intention is to be disrespectful, vengeful, or gossipy really. It's almost like it's part of identity. An ex of mine told someone that he and his partners (me and the other guy at the time) were poz since the guy was fearful and hateful of poz guys. I was pissed at first until I understood the reason why. He was trying to let the guy know that poz guys aren't sickly or bad because the three people that he likes to talk to are poz. He eventually came around too. I also learned that lots of people at the campground were poz and pretty open about it. I just hear people mention it a lot around my area and it's not done as a way to out someone it's just like general knowledge like sexual orientation, and etc. Not sure if it's good that it's said so generally. But that's my experience anyways.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2014, 06:07:50 PM »
Thanks everyone for your replies.  The reason I would tell him that some of my friends are poz is to gauge his reaction, and if he says he's poz or some of his friends are too that would be cool.  I would rather have that than someone who freaks out when or if they find out by mistake.  Plus also if some of my friends were to come over as I like to entertain and have a party a few times a year they might mention something about being poz. a lot of them are open about it. I would just hate for him to ask them where they met me and them tell them at a poz support group.

The background check does not protect you, and a thief can come into the community or a person can have an illegal tenant or someone not screened or an overnight guest or friend over who is a thief, but it is some level of protection over places that are not diligent about it.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline mecch

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2014, 06:45:19 PM »
I agree with your reasoning.  I don't think its a big deal to tell a potential roommate and I don't see who you risk much, and you might screen out someone who on the off chance is not cool.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline timmm55

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #15 on: August 26, 2014, 02:50:04 PM »


I'm undetectable (so as far as I know it could not transmit, certainly not casually) 

That's true but you don't sound convincing.

"Today, an undetectable viral load is the closest we have to a
cure."
http://www.unaids.org/en/media/unaids/contentassets/documents/speech/2014/07/20140720_sp_exd_aids2014opening_en.pdf

You should be damned proud of being undetectable! You are the good soldier in the HIV "Treatment as Prevention" WAR.
Undetectable is "a monumental and extraordinary step in the fight against HIV."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tyler-curry/detecting-change-a-landma_b_4949010.html

I just tell people, I'm an open book.

Offline harleymc

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Re: What's your thoughts on disclosing status to potential roommate.
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2014, 06:05:54 PM »
I have three housemates. Two are in the know but it'll be iceskating in hell before I tell the third.
Some people are worth trusting others aren't.

 


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