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Tested+ after IV usage, dead worried for my wife, on the brink of suicide

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maxmarco:
I've been happily in love for six years with the most amazing woman I could have ever dreamt of. We married. No children yet. During this time I accomplished my professional dreams and briefly touched the sky with my hands. One year ago suddenly everything collapsed. Except for my wife, everything else in my life collapsed at the same time. I found myself unemployed, unable to get a job, with no money, and burdened with a huge debt. At the same time my loving wife and I were forced to live apart, in different countries, with the intention to reunite a year later. We have been apart for 6 months during the last year. During this time I have been very close to suicide on multiple occasions. Extremely close. My wife does not know. My financial problems seem insurmountable, and my professional life ruined.
The only thing that kept me from committing suicide is my love for her, and her love for me.

I have always liked to experiment with drugs. The one drug I had not yet tried was heroin. Had always joked I would try it before dying, maybe even kill myself with an overdose when very old rather than dying a natural death in a hospital. Months ago in the midst of a suicidal moment I tried it. I shared a needle. It worried me, but I dismissed it from my mind. What are the odds, right? Next week I am to reunite with my wife permanently. Suddenly concern mounted, and I went to get tested. Results came in two days ago. Elisa test was reactive. It may still be a false positive, but odds are 99.91/97% the reading is accurate.

I am supposed to fly to her in 24 hours. My rational self is torn if to delay the flight for a few days to get the second test and thus confirmation before I see her. Or if to fly right away, tell her immediately about what happened, and get the second test with her. On one hand I feel sharing immediately would be best. Proof of my absolute trust in her. On the other hand sharing immediately would be very selfish. What if it was a false positive, and all I achieve is having her carry part of my burden for three days, and in the process maybe ruin our relationship?

I am scared to death for her. We had intercourse since my infection. I traveled to see her. I may have damaged the purest person on earth. No alcohol. No drugs. No partying. No sex with anyone but me, ever. I am scared to death for us. Part of me thinks she will leave me, and I will have lost our love, the only thing I have left, the only thing I cherish. I wanted to die before knowing about this. Now the pain is so hard ... I don't know if I have the strength. My irrational, weak and egoist self wants to commit suicide right now. My other self wants to find the strength to go see her, tell her about it, and tell her one last time how much I love her. The love of my life, whose trust I shattered and whose health I may have destroyed.

Jeff G:
Welcome to the forum Max . Its clear from your post that you have been struggling with depression for a long time before you were diagnosed with HIV . I am thankful you found the forum and decided to post and I am hoping coming here and talking about these issues can help you move forward in life and maybe a great way of getting the depression issues dealt with .

Im sure many others will welcome you and offer support ... Im wishing you the best .

Tonny2:


   Hi Max, welcome..if you really love her, you must tell her, I think, love is honesty, and by telling her she can be tested and she might be negative and you will get a heavy weight off your shoulders...I think you might need prefesional help, I, myself, I will be seeing a psychiatrist, cause a have some depression issues, so, try to get help, if indeed there is love between you two, it will be easier for both of you to deal with this...I wish you luck, and here we are for you   =)

maxmarco:
Thanks a lot for your support.

I got WB confirmation today. Don't have the viral count yet, need another test for that.

Stress is and has been so intense my whole body suddenly hurts and itches. The physical pain is not a figment of my imagination. Can't function. Can't stop the tears.

Now I need to travel and somehow tell my wife.

This is hell. Catholics must have had HIV in mind when they invented hell.

Tonny2:
 :)    Hi Max

I'm so sorry for what you are goig through, but I think, after you talk to your wife, you will feel better....living with hivit's not hell, I think, what's feels like hell is having been honest with yourwife, please, find the way, she will support you, and you will feel better...I wish you lots of luck    ;p

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