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Author Topic: A relationship problem...  (Read 471 times)

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Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 273
  • Hi...
A relationship problem...
« on: August 02, 2014, 11:50:50 AM »
My husband and I argue almost everyday. He has told me I only care what my family thinks and why do I care what other people think. For one I have to attend school, find a job, and my daughter still goes to high school.
I will say something and in response he will reword it loudly, make accusations as to what his rewording of my words means while mimicking me like I look dumb. The neighbors hear all this so naturally when I ask him to lower his voice he gets louder. Saying things positive about himself while saying negative about me. Again he says why should I care what others think.
When it comes down to it he wants to make sure when he walks out I have it rough. He is convinced that I would not have made it this far without him. To tell the truth I always kept trying when he kicked me out in the past.
In 2011 I told him I wanted to go back to school. I lived in his home and he controlled most of what I did. I was on probation and taking care of him. His reason was because school would keep me from caring for him.
Yet for the first eight years of our relationship I knew the house and everything would go to his brother and nephews. I was just there to care for him.
Now he tells everyone how much he loves me, supports me, that I came from an abused family, he is taking care of his stepdaughter, and worst that he supports me in school.
I spent the last three weeks of school catching up do to his drinking. I also spent the last three weeks of school lying about his health to the instructor. As well as sitting in an office meeting with my daughter's teachers while he played the parent who knew it all and told me to shush so he could talk to the Super Intendant. When I spoke at the meeting the teachers rolled their eyes.
I am about to tell the Super Intendant that my husband and I are HIV positive. So maybe the next time we have a meeting she will hopefully understand what I do on a day to day basis. Also to tell her I am on assistance do to before the ACA I could not get insurance. Maybe she might be more supportive towards me. Or it could all backfire.
My husband gets to sleep in. I went to sleep last night and woke up after 8:30 this morning. Sometime this morning he turned the bedroom lights on and was fumbling around on his dresser. I just rolled over and kept my eyes shut.
When we argue he is tired of hearing about my family. He says I need psychiatric help. Yet he denies the fact he has an issue with his size. He went on for twenty minutes two days ago telling me about men in porn films shaving to look larger. He got to his point in under a minute and spent the 19 minutes after that telling me the same thing over and over. What was I suppose to say? I was literally using the bathroom then I was washing my hands. Was he fishing for a compliment? I may have my problems, but he lies about his. The marriage counselor says I would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist.
I am tired of being told I am angry because of my past with my abusive family. When in reality everything my husband has said or done he claims is because he was drunk. He literally said he only drank because of my arguing with him. Yet on vacation last week he wanted a drink right away. I had not argued with him and I
drove the four hours myself.
If someone blames alcohol or drugs then they need to quit. It is the same as saying they have a problem when they drink or use.
Back to the supporting me in school. I am not anything than a comfortable dresser. I want to be more of a stylish dresser. Except when I mention clothes to my husband he will say because the model is skinny. So when I explain it has nothing to do with skinny it is about not being able to wearing clothes meant for yard work or the gym or a club to the work place. He gets bored and brings that up in the arguments. He even brings up how he have to read a book if I talk about my college courses. So another thing I cannot mention, oh except for my grades.
So he also wants me to take the couch if he gets upset with me.
I am supposed to be the one working on bringing home the money. I don't get why even the counselor wants me to make him so comfortable. He won't work yet I can work because I have a higher t cell count. \
He is also telling me to wipe the slate clean with him, to forgive him. Yet he wanted o walk out the door when I mentioned I wanted a clean slate like he never gave me.
He claims he did. Except he went telling all my problems to his friends and calls them whenever we have an argument.
My husband knows my family is unsupportive, that he can bring up my abusive family, run to his brother, and has SSDI for help. He also always has the option of aking money the illegal way as well. So he is very confident and cocky. In other words the same rules don't apply to him.


Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,940
Re: A relationship problem...
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2014, 08:49:53 AM »
Idee. wow.  There is so much going on with you here, and things I did not know about until you admitted them in the above post.  I had no idea your husband was also HIV+, I did not know he has a problem with alcohol, and I had no idea about your issues.

I did know you are seeing a marriage counselor, and I guess I assumed you were also seeing a psychiatrist.  I do believe you should see a psychiatrist, to maybe start some anti-depressant to assist you in dealing with the ongoing issues you face.

You have a lot going on, and it's difficult to address all your concerns.  I am not sure what you want us to do: tell you what to do with your husband?  Has it always been like this?  How long have you two been together?  Why do you stay if he is constantly being abusive?  Do you not stand up for yourself, or don't you know how?  Have you told the marriage counselor about these issues? 

If you can answer these questions, it would help us gauge better where you are exactly coming from, and what your exact issues are.  I know in previous posts you've mentioned your sister coming onto your husband.  Have they ever had an affair or fling together?  Honestly? 

The things you cannot control are your husband's drinking; the way he talks to you; the way he treats you.  What you can control is your reaction to these things, and how you respond and deal with them.  If your husband indeed drinks to excess and causes stress for you because of this, then I would suggest looking up the local Al-Anon groups.  These help people involved with alcoholics, how to deal with their own stuff, and the drinking episodes.  If you cannot find these, contact your local AA headquarters (Alcoholics Anonymous) and ask them where to find Al-Anon.

Why do you think you are the one who has to bring home all the financial support?  Are you 100% sure you want to get off disability and Medicaid?  How were you approved for SSI in the first place, was it due to the HIV or other issues?  I would definitely discuss this with the therapist you see, and be honest and open to listening to what the therapist has to say.  With so much going on in your life, I do not believe attempting to work full time and get off a program that pays for your medical and mental health care, is a good idea.  I did this, though I am on SSDI, and when I could no longer make it full time, getting back on disability and keeping it, was a huge hassle. 

Seriously Idee, you need to either be honest with this marriage therapist, or get a therapist just for you that you can talk about these things to.  And yes, seeing a psychiatrist is always a good idea if you need medical management of depression or another mental health issue, which I think you may.  You can, of course, post more here, and we will offer you support.  But we may also offer you our opinions, so please be open to them, and consider what we say.  Best of luck to you!

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 273
  • Hi...
Re: A relationship problem...
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2014, 01:05:30 PM »
Idee. wow.  There is so much going on with you here, and things I did not know about until you admitted them in the above post.  I had no idea your husband was also HIV+, I did not know he has a problem with alcohol, and I had no idea about your issues.

I did know you are seeing a marriage counselor, and I guess I assumed you were also seeing a psychiatrist.  I do believe you should see a psychiatrist, to maybe start some anti-depressant to assist you in dealing with the ongoing issues you face.

You have a lot going on, and it's difficult to address all your concerns.  I am not sure what you want us to do: tell you what to do with your husband?  Has it always been like this?  How long have you two been together?  Why do you stay if he is constantly being abusive?  Do you not stand up for yourself, or don't you know how?  Have you told the marriage counselor about these issues? 

If you can answer these questions, it would help us gauge better where you are exactly coming from, and what your exact issues are.  I know in previous posts you've mentioned your sister coming onto your husband.  Have they ever had an affair or fling together?  Honestly? 

The things you cannot control are your husband's drinking; the way he talks to you; the way he treats you.  What you can control is your reaction to these things, and how you respond and deal with them.  If your husband indeed drinks to excess and causes stress for you because of this, then I would suggest looking up the local Al-Anon groups.  These help people involved with alcoholics, how to deal with their own stuff, and the drinking episodes.  If you cannot find these, contact your local AA headquarters (Alcoholics Anonymous) and ask them where to find Al-Anon.

Why do you think you are the one who has to bring home all the financial support?  Are you 100% sure you want to get off disability and Medicaid?  How were you approved for SSI in the first place, was it due to the HIV or other issues?  I would definitely discuss this with the therapist you see, and be honest and open to listening to what the therapist has to say.  With so much going on in your life, I do not believe attempting to work full time and get off a program that pays for your medical and mental health care, is a good idea.  I did this, though I am on SSDI, and when I could no longer make it full time, getting back on disability and keeping it, was a huge hassle. 

Seriously Idee, you need to either be honest with this marriage therapist, or get a therapist just for you that you can talk about these things to.  And yes, seeing a psychiatrist is always a good idea if you need medical management of depression or another mental health issue, which I think you may.  You can, of course, post more here, and we will offer you support.  But we may also offer you our opinions, so please be open to them, and consider what we say.  Best of luck to you!

Betty

Thanks for replying. I have heard a few people say I may or do need medical management.
I started seeing a psychiatrist and he has decided to not medicate me. He talks with the marriage counselor who said I have rumination. He has told her my husband seems to need medication. My psychiatrist said what I describe here is my husband using a double standard. My husband expects met o put up with his behavior as he would walk out on me for doing the same.
I have spoken up for myself, then again he is the yeller.
I am also ten years sober/clean. I do not enjoy confrontations of any kinds. My husband has started me thinking that he has many insecurities. During our arguments he has told me that I only want to fix myself up in order to find a better man who can support me.
I also heard him say I was insecure about my older half sister talking to him. In reality I dealt with that for a miserable five months. I did not tell her she was no longer welcomed in my home or around my family until she started picking on my daughter.
As for an affair with my sister, my husband knows that my older half sister has to lay on her back and hold her own bladder in place to have intercourse. Sorry for the crudeness there. It's her disrespect that gets to me.
I have sat down with my husband and talked. In order for him to remain calm I baked some home made food he likes and talk as non defensively as I could. I kept my hands in my lap and spoke softly. I told him that if I go to work he needs to understand I can't appear like a slob. I am not a cheater. And I love him. I explained why I love him. Why to me he is worth helping. And how he has helped me.
So far we haven't argued for the last five days or so. I lost count which is good. He isn't drinking anymore. He has also been working around the house and in the yard. Three days ago he started looking for jobs in the city we plan to move to. An improvement there. He told me ten years ago he would never get a job because he doesn't want to work.
We used to argue throughout the day, every day.
Now we just hang out watching some movies, do yard work, or shop together for groceries.
I also went to AA where some woman looked at me and accused me of not being an alcoholic. I just laughed. I have been sober/clean for ten years. I have worked very hard which has included seeing therapists and psychiatrists. This marriage counselor told me that if anyone is an addict or intoxicated don't even think about what they say. It doesn't even matter.
So I am now going by that. I have been attacked for thinking I am better. When I realized the addicts around me bring up my past knowing it's painful for me. I thought on it for a long time since I never told any one before.
Now I am ready to move on. In other words I had many people around me saying I was not better so I should drink or get high with them.
This caused me to seek out an AA meeting two weeks ago. Last night I met a woman who has thirty-three years sober/clean. We exchanged phone numbers. She also explained a few women don't like me since I have many positive things I am working on. This woman has a bachelor's degree.
I am happy because I met someone who thinks sobriety is important like I do. My husband is happy since I might have a friend.
I have always wanted to get off assistance since I began assistance in 1995. I feel I am well enough and it gets boring on assistance. Plus I was infected before I could earn enough social security credits to be on SSDI. I am stuck on SSI and Medicaid.
I am on SSI do to having an extremely low cell count and being hospitalized do to HIV illnesses. Basically an allergic reaction to an HIV medication. Sores broke out all over my body. As the doctors looked at an area of my body they could see the sores rise and open in a few seconds. No one had any idea what was causing it. They stopped my medication and started me on something else. Next thing I knew I had a back payment check from SSI. I slept a lot of days after I went home.
So going to work is what I want. I have heard many people tell me the obstacles I
will face as an HIV positive person.
I think about the obstacles. I also know obstacles are meant to be overcome. I only have a few obstacles left. One is to get off welfare.
I was told I should have a tubal ligation since I was HIV positive. I almost did, but something stopped me. I was told to end my pregnancy by my family, but I chose not to. I was told I would not find a relationship, but I have. I was told I was stupid, but I have good grades and one semester left. I anger people at times with my achievements. Like I am not suppose to do what I am doing.
My problem is I am not fatigued, I feel like I am pent up. Going for a walk doesn't help. I want to work. My first doctor once told me I am healthy enough to work. And I have worked a full time job. I only quit since I could not get medical insurance.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2014, 01:25:54 PM by idee »

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 273
  • Hi...
Re: A relationship problem...
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2014, 01:47:29 PM »
Thanks for replying. I have heard a few people say I may or do need medical management.
I started seeing a psychiatrist and he has decided to not medicate me. He talks with the marriage counselor who said I have rumination. He has told her my husband seems to need medication. My psychiatrist said what I describe here is my husband using a double standard. My husband expects met to put up with his behavior as he would walk out on me for treating him the same way.
I am also ten years sober/clean. I do not enjoy confrontations of any kind. My husband has given me the idea that he has many insecurities. During our arguments he has told me that I only want to fix myself up in order to find a better man who can support me.
I also heard him say I was insecure about my older half sister talking to him. In reality I dealt with that for a miserable five months. I did not tell her she was no longer welcomed in my home or around my family until she started picking on my daughter.
As for an affair with my sister, my husband knows that my older half sister has to lay on her back and hold her own bladder in place to have intercourse. He also knows she has genital herpes. Sorry for the crudeness there. It's her disrespect that gets to me while she acted faked being a good sister.
I have sat down with my husband and talked. In order for him to remain calm I baked some home made food he likes and I talked as non-defensively as I could. I kept my hands in my lap and spoke softly. I told him that if I go to work he needs to understand I can't appear like a slob. I am not a cheater. And I love him. I explained why I love him. Why to me he is worth helping. And how he has helped me.
So far we haven't argued for the last five days or so. I lost count which is good. He isn't drinking anymore. He has also been working around the house and in the yard. Three days ago he started looking for jobs in the city we plan to move to. An improvement there. He told me ten years ago he would never get a job because he doesn't want to work.
We used to argue throughout the day, every day.
Now we just hang out watching some movies, do yard work, or shop together for groceries.
I also went to AA where some woman looked at me and accused me of not being an alcoholic. I just laughed. I have been sober/clean for ten years. I have worked very hard which has included seeing therapists and psychiatrists. This marriage counselor told me that if anyone is an addict or intoxicated don't even think about what they say. It doesn't even matter.
So I am now going by that. I have been attacked for thinking I am better. When I realized the addicts around me bring up my past knowing it's painful for me. I thought on it for a long time since I never told any one before.
Now I am ready to move on. In other words I had many people around me saying I was not better so I should drink or get high with them.
This caused me to seek out an AA meeting two weeks ago. Last night I met a woman who has thirty-three years sober/clean. We exchanged phone numbers. She also explained a few women don't like me since I have many positive things I am working on. This woman has a bachelor's degree.
I am happy because I met someone who thinks sobriety is important like I do. My husband is happy since I might have a friend.
I have always wanted to get off assistance since I began assistance in 1995. I feel I am well enough and it gets boring on assistance. Plus I was infected before I could earn enough social security credits to be on SSDI. I am stuck on SSI and Medicaid.
I am on SSI do to having an extremely low cell count and being hospitalized do to HIV illnesses. Basically an allergic reaction to an HIV medication. Sores broke out all over my body. As the doctors looked at an area of my body they could see the sores rise and open in a few seconds. No one had any idea what was causing it. They stopped my medication and started me on something else. Next thing I knew I had a back payment check from SSI. I slept a lot of days after I went home.
So going to work is what I want. I have heard many people tell me the obstacles I
will face as an HIV positive person.
I think about the obstacles. I also know obstacles are meant to be overcome. I only have a few obstacles left. One is to get off welfare.
I was told I should have a tubal ligation since I was HIV positive. I almost did, but something stopped me. I was told to end my pregnancy by my family, but I chose not to. I was told I would not find a relationship, but I have. I was told I was stupid, but I have good grades and one semester left. I anger people at times with my achievements. Like I am not suppose to do what I am doing.
My problem is I am not fatigued, I feel like I am pent up. Going for a walk doesn't help. I want to work. My first doctor once told me I am healthy enough to work. And I have worked a full time job. I only quit since I could not get medical insurance.

 


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