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Author Topic: Depression  (Read 2292 times)

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Offline RobT

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
Depression
« on: November 06, 2006, 11:46:01 PM »
All-
I remembered a time when I used to enjoy the holidays, well starting from the US Labour Day onward. I was really depressed last yr., but my depression was elivated when my Mike paid me a 2 wk visit. I was depressed cuz I found out of my pos result in August and have been silent about it all last yr. I decided to tell my parents earlier this yr., which was a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I guess the Holidays really depress me whenever I listen to couples talk about couple stuff, weddings, honeymoons, cuddleing, etc..., it is sickening.
Mb cuz I am a tad bitter. Bitter cuz my LDR has been going on for close to 2 yrs, the 22nd of this month, and yet I am still over in the US. Quite a LDR. I wud so much happier if Mike was here and he understands the hell that I have been through since.
I have focussed my attention towards my vanity to ellivate my depression. I continue to go to my punishing workouts at the gym as I never think that I cud b thin enough. When my parents thought that I had an eating disorder, I denied it. That was a time when my stomach was constantly bothering me and only then I truely discovered what it was w/ the assistance of a tiny test that changed my entire life.
Recently a coworker of mine told me that my hairline was starting to recede, which brought thought of ageism to my mind. I continued being as vain as can b. I just do not want to age!
Unfortunately a few pairs of my incredibly small clothes no longer fit and I really h8 giving up my clothes. I have tried whatever I can to fit back into them. I fasted last Friday in order to shed some lbs, a very bad idea. The fasting was for health reasons as well, as perscribed by my doc. I continue to eat things that r bothersome to my stomach in order to shed additional weight.
I recently decided to do something to surprise my Mike for our 2nd yr anniversary. It is something that he has always wanted, a couple of pictures of me in my Navy uniform. I have an appt at the studio this Saturday. I really hope my dry cleaning gets done.
I have also turned my attn to my schoolwork as well, which is a thorn in my side. I absolutely h8 doing homework!
Whenever I have a lot on my mind, I tend to ramble...sorry

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564


Current meds: Atripla
VL: undetectable
CD4: 630

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Depression
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2006, 12:39:55 AM »
All-
I remembered a time when I used to enjoy the holidays, well starting from the US Labour Day onward. I was really depressed last yr., but my depression was elivated when my Mike paid me a 2 wk visit. I was depressed cuz I found out of my pos result in August and have been silent about it all last yr. I decided to tell my parents earlier this yr., which was a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I guess the Holidays really depress me whenever I listen to couples talk about couple stuff, weddings, honeymoons, cuddleing, etc..., it is sickening.
Mb cuz I am a tad bitter. Bitter cuz my LDR has been going on for close to 2 yrs, the 22nd of this month, and yet I am still over in the US. Quite a LDR. I wud so much happier if Mike was here and he understands the hell that I have been through since.
I have focussed my attention towards my vanity to ellivate my depression. I continue to go to my punishing workouts at the gym as I never think that I cud b thin enough. When my parents thought that I had an eating disorder, I denied it. That was a time when my stomach was constantly bothering me and only then I truely discovered what it was w/ the assistance of a tiny test that changed my entire life.
Recently a coworker of mine told me that my hairline was starting to recede, which brought thought of ageism to my mind. I continued being as vain as can b. I just do not want to age!
Unfortunately a few pairs of my incredibly small clothes no longer fit and I really h8 giving up my clothes. I have tried whatever I can to fit back into them. I fasted last Friday in order to shed some lbs, a very bad idea. The fasting was for health reasons as well, as perscribed by my doc. I continue to eat things that r bothersome to my stomach in order to shed additional weight.
I recently decided to do something to surprise my Mike for our 2nd yr anniversary. It is something that he has always wanted, a couple of pictures of me in my Navy uniform. I have an appt at the studio this Saturday. I really hope my dry cleaning gets done.
I have also turned my attn to my schoolwork as well, which is a thorn in my side. I absolutely h8 doing homework!
Whenever I have a lot on my mind, I tend to ramble...sorry

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564

Rob~~~

Sorry you are feeling bummed out. I often get into that same kind of funk during the holidays and when my parents's birthdays come up. I get hit twice as hard in Dec, cause my Mother's bday is on the 21st. It gets worse for me because there is no one I can share how I feel with, well my one friend but I'm the type of person I don't like to vent my frustrations and burden others. I hope to change that with finding this site, I'm trying to not think of it as being a burden but bending plenty of ears... :D

I often get a lil envious of couples too but I still wish them well. That is one thing that bothers me in this journey with hiv, being alone and dying alone. I often pray to the Goddess that she would put someone in my life but I guess it is not my time even though I don't know why. I have never been in LDR's but I can imagine the stress it would cause being so far apart. But as they say love conquers all, I guess even long distances.

I do wonder how small are your small clothes. And the fasting you are doing, is that safe to do? I wouldn't want you to harm yourself trying to fit into those small clothes. I know I am not my correct weight which is 135...lol..add 30 to that but I am comfy with my weight, I would like to tone up some areas. I can't afford a gym membership and no one to work out with...I know, excuses, excuses..the most exercise I get is chasing my kitty around the house..lol...


I think the idea of you in a pic in your Navy uniform is a nice touch for your 2nd anniversary. I always did like a man in uniform ;).. I forget who sings it but it reminds me of the song It's raining men. I bet you will look sexy as ever, care to share a pic whe you get it done? I wish you and Mike nothing but the best... :)


Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Depression
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2006, 12:41:05 AM »
Hey Robt...

It is unfortunate that you are going through this period of depression. It is truly a tough task trying to maintain a LDR. There are a number of things that you can DO in order to alleviate your depression. Some of these things you are already doing. However, there is more that you can DO in order to regain that "balance" within yourself . Seek other avenues and pursue them.

Do your BEST to try and make it a habit to focus on the "positive" thoughts rather than the "negative" thoughts. Positive thoughts are just as addictive as the negative thoughts. In this arena, it is you whom chooses your choice of thoughts.

I am sending you my BEST wishes this evening that all will work itself out for you. Remember, talking and writing is just as therapeutic as well. If you are not already doing so, get out of the house and go to do some sort of socializing with others. Keep yourself busy and distract yourself from the "negative" thoughts.

Make the BEST of each and every Day!

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,811
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Depression
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2006, 04:17:23 AM »
things will get better.  i guess you feel isolated and sad or maybe you just off your grove.  done worry, we all have our ups and downs just don't let the downs go too far down.   if it does, seek help.  i hope that things will look brighter for you.
Joe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline Pete_P

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Depression
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2006, 04:33:23 AM »
Hey

Sorry that you are feeling down at the moment but i guess its something that happens to all of us from time to time. Remember that the people here will support you and are more than happy to listen to any thing you need to talk about and get off your chest.

As far as working on your body and the vanity goes.... i find that this is a really good short term fix to make yourself feel better but never really deals with the underlying issues... when i was first diagnoised i put on alot of weight through comfort eating, over the past 6 months i have shed this weight losing a total of 30kg or 66lbs and feel great for it... however i only feel happy because i have dealt with the other issues going on in my life

btw.... the pic sounds like a lovely idea and i wish you all the best with your LDR

best wishes

pete

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Depression
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2006, 05:52:18 AM »
Hi RobT.  Yes, LDR are or can be problematic.  Let's see if you can turn your thoughts around, though, over couples since you and Mike, whether he is standing next to you or not, are a couple and have remained a couple for 2 years, a great thing to state!  Perhaps others who are also in LDR will find this thread and posts really helpful hints on how they have maintained them over the longterm.  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Depression
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2006, 06:20:50 AM »
Hi Rob,

I know what depression is about.
Just wanted to let you know I care and think about you.

I have a LDR myself..not easy when you need a cuddle and the closest you cant get is a webcam...

But then I think energies have no bounderies. And when you cuddle up in your bed you can take your sweetie with you... at least his energy.

kisss

Hermie
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline RobT

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
Re: Depression
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2006, 07:10:34 AM »
Queen Akasha-
I only went on my fast on Friday in order to get my Lipids tested, aka cholesterol and all that jumbo. It was awlful. I felt really bitchy and continuously light headed. I did drink lots of water though.
First of all, I am a really small guy. I am only 108, but I feel healthy overall. My doc has never been concerned over my weight. I just get concerned over the simplest things such as gaining a pound, but I just usually lose it just as quickly.
My vanity tends to a short-term fix to my depressing issues. One thing that I can say is that my LDR is still rough and I wud love to b closer to my sweetie; but I do have to finish up school first and foremost.
My mother's bday happens to also b on the 21st so I understand how stressful holidays can b.
I met Mike on the 22nd and I will send him pictures of me in my Navy uniform. I have a bunch of plans like getting my haircut and picking up my dry cleaning prior to my photo shot that is already scheduled for this Saturday. I need to also go to a Navy surplus store or at least find my ribbons. I do not know where I put them last. I will find them.

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564


Current meds: Atripla
VL: undetectable
CD4: 630

Offline RobT

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
Re: Depression
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2006, 07:16:35 AM »
Hermie-
It is true when u said that love has no boundaries. Whenever I get depressed and feel the need to share w/ either family or co-workers, they all provide me the simplest answer to my LDR in that I shud dump him. That is just a simple way of getting out and I am sure that this LDR is more of a temporary thing, so that is y I have stuck w/ it.
I am determined to continue w/ my school and live w/ Mike in London, it only takes time.
I was looking on the internet b4 leaving for work yesterday on engagement rings. I know we ( Mike and I) exchanged rings in the past and I am currently wearing mine around my neck, where it has stayed. In the process of purchasing engagement rings, in a same sex relationship, who decides to purchase the rings?

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564


Current meds: Atripla
VL: undetectable
CD4: 630

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,623
Re: Depression
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2006, 07:56:05 AM »
Hi Robert,

It sounds like you are alone with a lot of your thoughts and feelings even though you have family and others. I'm wondering if you have considered seeing a therapist. Depending on where you live you might have access to a professional through an ASO in your area.

Having a safe and private place where you can talk out what's on your mind can be very helpful in getting through. It's amazing sometimes how just putting things into words can bring a great relief. Isolation is not good for either the soul or the body. 

As for engagement rings, what does your fella think about who should buy them?

Keep us posted on how it's going.

Cheers,
Andy Velez

Offline RapidRod

  • Member
  • Posts: 15,286
Re: Depression
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2006, 10:29:31 AM »
Rob, next time you are in to see your ID tell them. I was put on Lexapro  10 mg and after a week or two I noticed a big difference. I never even thought some of my problems were due to depression. It worked for me..something I wish I would have known earlier.

Offline woodshere

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,477
  • ain't no shame in my game
Re: Depression
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2006, 11:10:44 AM »
Ditto to what Rapid said.  My depression had little to do with being HIV+ as much as all the other shit in my life.  I talked with my ID at my last appt.  He discussed several possible drugs their side effects and we decided Wellbutrin XL was our drug of choice.  I have been on for over a month and all I can say is OH MY GOSH!  I feel better than I have in years, full of energy and for the most part ready to start each day fresh.  And Rob don't rule out talking with a therapist of some sort.
Cheers,
Woods
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: Depression
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2006, 12:28:29 PM »
Hi Rob,
I agree with what some of the other posters have said...have you considered talking to a therapist? Of joining a support group? I have suffered from depression since I was 19, years before my hiv diagnosis, and have found great comfort and help in talking to someone.

Does your school offer counseling services?

As far as engagement rings, my husband and I picked out our wedding bands together, and I picked out a few rings that I liked for the engagement ring, and then he surprised me with one of those.

Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Depression
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2006, 04:13:30 PM »
Queen Akasha-
I only went on my fast on Friday in order to get my Lipids tested, aka cholesterol and all that jumbo. It was awlful. I felt really bitchy and continuously light headed. I did drink lots of water though.
First of all, I am a really small guy. I am only 108, but I feel healthy overall. My doc has never been concerned over my weight. I just get concerned over the simplest things such as gaining a pound, but I just usually lose it just as quickly.
My vanity tends to a short-term fix to my depressing issues. One thing that I can say is that my LDR is still rough and I wud love to b closer to my sweetie; but I do have to finish up school first and foremost.
My mother's bday happens to also b on the 21st so I understand how stressful holidays can b.
I met Mike on the 22nd and I will send him pictures of me in my Navy uniform. I have a bunch of plans like getting my haircut and picking up my dry cleaning prior to my photo shot that is already scheduled for this Saturday. I need to also go to a Navy surplus store or at least find my ribbons. I do not know where I put them last. I will find them.

RobT

Current meds: Truvada/Sustiva
VL: undetectable
CD4: 564

Hi Rob~~

Oh so you are just a small person, I see. I'm sorry, I thought you were fasting to lose weight but it was for a medical procedure. I hope you are feeling better. I bet the photo shoot will be fine, still want to see though... ;) I know the LDR is a bit stressful but consider it motivation to finish school. I know you and Mike will be fine in the long run. Have a good one...
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

 


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