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devastated, hopeless & alone

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The nurse called my name and said the Dr. will see you now... I started to follow her back to the room, when she abruptly stopped and pointed to a small room with only a desk and 3 chairs and asked me to wait here. My heart sank... I sat down, and found it hard to breath, I began shaking. The Dr. was taking to long, I got up and opened the door and told the nurse "I'm sorry I don't have time to wait, I will reschedule." She asked me to wait just a moment, she will get the Dr. to come in immediately. I saw her speaking to the Dr. and they both looked my way. I noticed the Dr. had a paper in her hand as she came down the hall towards me.

I stepped back into the room, she asked me to sit down so we could talk for a minute. I sat back down and I said I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk, I will come back at a later date. Then I heard "Your results are HIV positive."

I stood up again and said I must go... she tried to stop me by blocking the door. I yelled let me out, I have to go... I was shaking uncontrollably. Next thing I knew I had run out of the office to the elevator.... It would not open, I turned searching for the stairs... finally I was outside and there was air.

I don't remember getting back to the house.

How can this be???? I am a 5 year cancer survivor and now HIV...

I've only been home a few weeks, I've been in Thailand for almost 3 years. I went there to heal and find peace within from the horrible cancer inside me.

I have lost all hope, I can not tell anyone. I am alone, ashamed, angry and I don't want to live with this. I'm tired of fighting...

This one rings home for me a bit so I'm glad to reply. You don't deserve this, it's not fair, hell it even makes me mad. But I will tell you, this isn't like cancer, this isn't like chemo, radiation, etc. you will be ok with this. 1 pill once a day, it's easy peasy and will compared to cancer this will be like a walk in the park. You will be ok, give yourself a day or two to process, then read some more from people on here, understand that there's people on here who have been in your exact situation, have had your same emotions and their still standing you will too. I pray you find the will to keep fighting, you can do this. The nice part is that you can have some time to process this. You will be ok.

The fear and guilt is the only thing keeping me here... fear of how it will effect my 2 new grand-babies. My daughter will for sure keep them from me. They are one of the reasons I came home, also in hopes to rekindle a nine year relationship that has been on and off for the past 5 years (due to my cancer diagnosis) I broke it off and did not purse it.... then while in Thailand for 3 years we became close.... as I heald and came to gribs with it.... now home we are distant. I am confused. Then to add this HIV Shit on top of it is to much for even me to handle!!!!! I can't live with this!

Irish Eyes:
Fortunately you are not obliged to disclose your status to anyone.
Last Dec. I went to doc due to self-diagnosed overactive thyroid.
I have a large close family and operate a family business and are in constant daily contact.
Absolutely nobody is aware of my status.
I go to get blood draws apparently due to my overactive thyroid.
Nothing in my daily routine or mindset has been affected since dx.
Life goes on, pop a pill each day and visit the doc now and again.
Take care.

Medical science takes HIV pretty much in stride. There is no health-based reason for the diagnosis to = hopelessness.

Being HIV+ does not automatically make you isolated. You can keep your diagnosis to yourself, or share it with some people. Get support. Its up to you.

Its a pity you think your children will shun you and cut off contact with grandchildren.
In this day and age, I would think most people can come around to their senses, about such nonsense, but of course Im not saying stigma doesn't exist.  You don't have to tell them.  And if you do, and they shun, well that will have to be dealt with...

Lots of people feel shame when they get a diagnosis.  Then usually there comes a click and the shame is gone.  Its just a stupid virus.

I personally don't believe in this fair/not fair way of looking at things.  I don't think it helps -- only delays the arrival of the click that makes life normal again.


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