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Author Topic: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.  (Read 1432 times)

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Offline idee

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Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« on: August 03, 2014, 03:37:01 AM »
What does it mean when my husband says I do not have to throw myself at him for sex? I will be thinking about this all night long. I took my sleepy pill, Ambiem. So I walked into the bedroom removed stuff. Buy the time carpet wasn't moving I jumped on the bed because I decided he is so cute. I was brave! He said what he said and shot me down.
Should I get angry because I am ambarrassed. Or should I leave my husband?
I will need to say he is so tired from our arguing and he took his Ambien for sleep just before I did.
I feel I did something way wrong I want to cry. He said don't think of it just go to sleep. I am not like this normally. I had to get out of bed to tell my daughter goodnight. The effect hit me in the bedroom and I think I did something seriously wrong. He isn't telling me what it means since he is now sleeping.
I am getting sleepy as well so I guess I will check for any replies tomorrow.

Online zach

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2014, 04:17:46 AM »
here's my bet

the effects of ambien, he couldn't "perform", and was too embarrassed to tell you that himself so he acted the ass

my experience with ambien, neither of you will remember this in the morning... i took a drive, and a nap, while driving, at a red light. bad scene

Online mecch

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2014, 05:58:30 AM »
Hope you both had a good sleep!
Gee, since you jumped onto the bed, maybe he was just making a pun on words?  you don't need to "throw yourself".....
Sounds like you were both tired....

On the other hand, also sounds like there is something maybe a bit off in the undercurrents... since you mention "leaving him" over this.....
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online Jeff G

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2014, 09:44:15 AM »
Hi Idee . I have been following your post, some are in the positive women forum so I cant reply there . It seems to me that you are in transition at this point in your life, you are moving and finishing school and are making plans to get off disability and into the job market .

It leaves me with the impression sometimes that you are asking us for permission to leave your husband. If you are unhappy in your life and he is abusive that is something you are going to have be honest with yourself about and decide whats best for you. I'm happy you are posting about these things and hope it leads to you making good decisions about what path you want the rest of your life to lead to. Best.   

Offline idee

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2014, 12:11:05 PM »
Hi Idee . I have been following your post, some are in the positive women forum so I cant reply there . It seems to me that you are in transition at this point in your life, you are moving and finishing school and are making plans to get off disability and into the job market .

It leaves me with the impression sometimes that you are asking us for permission to leave your husband. If you are unhappy in your life and he is abusive that is something you are going to have be honest with yourself about and decide whats best for you. I'm happy you are posting about these things and hope it leads to you making good decisions about what path you want the rest of your life to lead to. Best.   

He is HIV positive like me. During our arguing he singles me out as the only one having problems. I mention how he wants a new vehicle and if I fail at school he won't stick around. I even mentioned how all he talks about is getting a new vehicle like the day our neighbor got his vehicle. My husband turns the argument louder and into how glad he is our neighbor has a new vehicle, that he is happy he has one, and he is happy for anyone who gets a new vehicle.
He acts as if I am saying some thing negative that he turns into a positive for him. In other words our neighbor hears him being positive. Earlier my husband told me the neighbor is hiding something since on disability the neighbor should not be able to have that vehicle.
He at times has been a jerk while trying to impress others. Yesterday he came up to stop me from doing dishes to dance in the kitchen. I looked out our huge window, our neighbor was there watching us. He will usually sit and tell me what he wants. The few times he helps I wonder if it's because someone is seeing him.
I wish he was this nice because he even liked me. I could just be nice and enjoy it. In reality I'd only be helping him look good. His mom tried to tell me things about him. He shot her down and mentioned how she had problems, and told me we were leaving.
He has accused me of thinking I can leave him once I finish school. So I started thinking he is trying to find someone before I leave him. He gets upset that I work on problems and not sit to let them last for a while. I Am supposed to work on things slowly.
I know he does not like problems, he does not want to discuss problems, and he asks me to take care of everything. How am I to relax, let things take time to improve? He might take off with whoever believes him. I am left with problems.
He argues to look good, protect himself, and be liked. He doesn't try to solve the problem. I mentioned what he said about throwing myself on him and he brings up abuse in my family making me insecure.
He will do nice things, but he always tries to say he has been perfect, but asks for me to forgive him. He says for whatever I think he has done. Quietly he will admit to what he has said.
So I would be saying I forgive him, except he makes it appear he is taking unnecessary blame to end an argument.
He asks me to admit I am wrong in front of people. He will not admit anything.
This morning he asked how I was feeling like nothing happened. He wants me to admit being crazy or leave. If I leave he will slander me to a point my life will be difficult. He reminds me of not having support from family, the neighbors hearing us argue, and not being able to provide for my daughter. Then to cover his actions he says according to what you tell me about people. How can I tell him about people when he is the only one who talks to the neighbors? If I talk to someone he will not leave and ask what I said.
If I am at the store for a few minutes he calls to check. If he leaves I don't call, I am pretty sure he will come home. It is his house.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2014, 12:13:49 PM by idee »

Online mecch

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2014, 12:21:56 PM »
He sounds controlling and manipulative.  But as Jeff says, its up to you to balance the pros and cons and future of staying together.  Overall I am guessing he is less introspective, self aware, communicative, cooperative, etc etc than you are. This will always be a challenge - lopsidedness - if the person really doesn't have, base nature, the tools and wits and desire to make a constructive, mutually beneficial, working couple - a team.   Up to you to make the evaluation - can he or can't he. 
Never a good situation to be in a relation where housing or money or inertia and habit, and fear of things getting worse alone, are the ruling considerations for staying -- though lord knows many of us have been there...
« Last Edit: August 03, 2014, 12:24:50 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline idee

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2014, 01:58:07 PM »
He sounds controlling and manipulative.  But as Jeff says, its up to you to balance the pros and cons and future of staying together.  Overall I am guessing he is less introspective, self aware, communicative, cooperative, etc etc than you are. This will always be a challenge - lopsidedness - if the person really doesn't have, base nature, the tools and wits and desire to make a constructive, mutually beneficial, working couple - a team.   Up to you to make the evaluation - can he or can't he. 
Never a good situation to be in a relation where housing or money or inertia and habit, and fear of things getting worse alone, are the ruling considerations for staying -- though lord knows many of us have been there...

Yesterday he tried something. I told him it is not a god man who tells his wife she's incapable of normal thinking or even decision making only to turn around to be intimate with her. I let him know my mind was sore I was not sure if I can be intimate with him. I seriously feel negative about my ability to even complete my fall semester.
I tried later on that night when he made the comment. He had told me he is waiting. That's when he made the comment.
He insisted I call the counselor. When I spoke to her she asked me what has happened. I told her what I did as well. My belief is if I want help I can't lie. So I mentioned I am over thinking. That this happens from time to time when things seem over whelming. Then minor problems along the way are collected into my thoughts. Then I can't solve anything.
As I spoke to her she told me I need help with the rumination.
She also said my husband should be on medication, but he doesn't want to take any. My husband never told me this!
The counselor was aloud to tell me since he signed a release for me to speak with her and be in on his sessions.
I was angry do to being told I have problems. Yes I do. I not only have mine, but between thinking of my own I handle my husband's problems. Like he has an attorney who he swears likes me better than him. So I call the attorney for my husband.
In order to help him I have had to put my responsibilities aside. When they come to the front of my mind I am overwhelmed as they have just been collecting. I talk about my problems constantly. It annoys him. Yet he is ok since I solved his problems.
He claims I belittle him while he belittles me. I in turn can't wait to tell him what is wrong with him. It is a cycle. I know it is wrong to argue in an attempt to make myself look better than him. Yet I have been keeping quiet and letting him slander me to my face. So I have to speak back.
I am a fatigued from the arguing. He claims I can't forgive and that's my problem. He tells me to admit I need a psychiatrist or he is leaving. He wants me to say it loud for the neighbors to hear. He wants someone to hear me admit this. In reality he never told me the counselor wants him to get on psychiatric medication.
I understand I have to see this psychiatrist who the counselor spoke with and realize what my problem is. I have rumination according to the counselor. I never want to hurt anyone. I just want to solve problems in ways that make me feel good.
I guess my husband did not know the counselor would tell me he needs medication when he told me to call her. I feel less of a loser now that she told that. He has been yelling in my face that I have all the problems, he does not have any problems.


Online mecch

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2014, 02:18:44 PM »
Are you having any sort of regular therapy?  Like on-going?
Is he?
And are you 2 ever going to counselling together for couples work?

Most of the time, you seem to be the one keeping your family all functioning so I hope you don't self doubt yourself too much.  But with the territory, it also seems you are a bit isolated and besieged.  You have mentioned a lot of hostile family members on both sides...  Do you have good rewarding contacts at school?  You said you don't talk to the neighbours, why not? You have friends who can give positive energy and help blow off steam and change your mind space?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline idee

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2014, 05:55:17 PM »
We're getting along right now. I have past mistakes coming to mind. I am telling myself yesterday was yesterday. It is taking some practice, but I am doing it.
I do have a friend I've known for twenty years. She is in Utah as I am in Montana.
My neighbors think I don't care because My appearance is homely.
I have contacted a makeup artist in a nearby city to help me with makeup application and hair for everyday. I am 37 and need to update. I have gotten melisma as I've aged. So covering the melas a is something I need to learn.
We are trying to let things go.
I called my younger sister to tell her I have rumination after reading your reply here. She says I have always been either deep in thought or I understood information quicker than anyone around us.




Online mecch

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2014, 06:42:30 PM »
You have a lovely smiling face - i don't think you should believe you can't have local friends because of your appearance. Surely that can't be true.  :-[

You told us you have rumination, not the other way around, right?  Your sis's reply, by he way, is kind of partly a compliment.   :D

Remember to look out for yourself as well as the kind and generous way you support your husband through his challenges.   

I notice you didn't answer the questions about who is in therapy, but if you prefer not to talk about it, I understand.   

My usual advice in a lot of these threads applies here;  if possible - get an expert's opinion about some dilemma that overwhelms.  Thats why I was asking if you are getting some input?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline idee

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I live with an addict...
« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2014, 05:54:58 PM »
We are both HIV positive. He is an addict. He has to have something. I on the other hand clean up around him and hide what he is like. His friends think he can do better then me. They are all junkies who function slightly. Oh, but they liked me before my weight gain!
I am drug and alcohol free ten years this September. Most of those years I spent taking care of my husband.
He is manipulative. he learns about people and uses their negative pasts or experiences against them. He tells everyone about everyone else.
he claims he is going to clean and cook while I complete my last semester this fall. He said I just have to let him do it.
Like I prevented him last spring. He had no marijuana or prescription drugs so he drank and crawled across the floor. I had to catch up on twelve assignments the second to last week of the semester. The assignments were about computers, their parts, programs, ect...
I was stressed.
I have even said we have nothing in common, he doesn't like me, and we can't even talk to each other. He insists we are ok as long as I don't talk to him about  my family, school, my friends, and any problems I may have. Just keep happy and think about cooking.
He is asking me to stuff my stress down deep inside and never speak to him about the work I do unless it is brief and to the point. he does not work, yet I can't stress him out.
I thought I was living a good life finding another HIV positive person to be with. I guess not.
he has done yard work. And dishes a couple times. Maybe he will help me this fall. I can only wait and see. He tells people all about my past. I have a struggle ahead of me and I did all the work for him.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2014, 06:03:18 PM by idee »

Offline Almost2late

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Re: I live with an addict...
« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2014, 06:09:05 PM »
Hi Idee,

Sorry your feeling so down.. I've read some of your other threads about your relationship with your guy.. I'd like to say leave him but thats really up to you and you have to take into account where that would leave you in your present situation.. Addiction sucks for all involved but you are doing right in getting your act together so you can move forward.. Hope it turns out well for you and your guy wheather thats together or apart.. its really up to you.. Hugs
"Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him." - Henry Miller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBkwPYq4nhQ

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Online Jeff G

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2014, 06:16:42 PM »
Hi Idee . I merged your new thread about you and your husband into the other one you recently started . It might be helpful if you post all your concerns about your husband and family in one thread so that all of your thoughts and the replies are in one place to help you get a better perspective on whats going on . I'm wishing you the best and I hope this thread can assist you in moving forward ... you can look at this thread as your very own personal journal .

Offline idee

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I sound miserable half the time, but...
« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2014, 12:19:44 AM »
I decided to find a support meeting today. Nothing here for HIV and no woman's  support group. So being almost ten years drug and alcohol free I decided to attend an AA meeting. I was happy when I walked in. A couple women talked to me. One woman is working on becoming a phlebotomist at the college I attend. She asked me to be her partner at some AA gathering. I had to apologetically tell her no. I have so many texts along with medical terminology this semester.
I listened to their stories and felt more trusting of someone trying to improve their lives, then of my relatives who are drunk and try to sound sincere. I feel comfortable around these people who walked up to introduce themselves and welcome me.
This morning I thought I was going crazy as it seemed everyone around me is an addict except my daughter. The pressures of motherhood, being around using people, and daily responsibilities were weighing heavy on me. Until I walked into the AA meeting. Then I was around people who let out their feelings, struggles, insecurities, and experiences.
I am going back next Thursday. I am not alone in choosing to be drug and alcohol free.
When I told them how my family said to me, "You're not an alcoholic. You just need to learn how to drink." They room filled with laughter.
Without going into a long story, my relatives have no boundaries and still want to act like partying is cool.
I am tired of that type of life. I am also many years younger than those partying relatives.
I am trying my best to live how I picture the life I want to live. The only negative part is my husband still makes friends with those "lets get high" people. I don't want to be drawn back in.
For now I will see my psychiatrist and attend the AA meetings.
« Last Edit: August 15, 2014, 12:27:38 AM by idee »

Offline DrewEm

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Re: Can someone please answer this one, I am confused here.
« Reply #14 on: August 17, 2014, 04:01:23 AM »
Yes, it is a struggle! I've been "seeing" a guy in recovery (prescription meds and alcohol) for three months. Things I never thought about he points out, even an ad in the newspaper. So go, enjoy! Show those of us what it is like! Without exposure (no pun) we all remain uninformed.

Drew

Offline idee

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"I am at my wits end", I believe that is the saying?
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2014, 08:25:46 PM »
In an argument with my husband. He seems to think everyone is so much smarter than me. At least he wants me to believe this. I told him that if he wants another woman than go for it. Just don't infect her with HIV or get her pregnant. Otherwise he'll end up where he is at with me all over again only with another woman.
In the beginning I had to tell my husband that being a husband and step-parent means more than having sex whenever he wants. He complained because I had to get up at 5:45 AM for my daughter to get ready for school. I would cook dinner instead of having sex because my daughter needs to eat dinner. It was me trying to maintain a household and being disliked by every neighbor and friend of my husband's.
In other words I keep a clean house, nursed my husband back to health from his withdrawals, and took care of my daughter. It was more complicated than that.
What sucks is I don't get the credit for any of it. My husband does. He even accepts the credit for my work.
Today he started yelling because I had enough and told him that when he comments on how hard a woman works he needs to think on how hard I work. I unlike a fast food cashier don't get paid for what I do, I don't charge him for sex, I cook and he doesn't get sick, I clean his dirty stained underwear, I lied for him, bailed him out of jail, and I knew to take him to the hospital when the cool drug addicts said he'd be ok and he had nearly ODed. I also stayed with him for two and a half years when he went through the erectile dysfunction. My point is this is not what I can tell people about him.
I had my own struggle with drugs and alcohol in the past. I am ten years without a single substance. So I try no to be too harsh on substance abusers. I also know if they can keep from hitting rock bottom they will take down anyone they can in order to maintain their lifestyle. So I have to put my foot down somewhere.
So in the end I am not liked do to knowing my husband too well. He wants to be a winner, wanted, and sexually satisfied.
In the end I wish I was appreciated more. I can't be overlooked then feel super attractive. It doesn't work like that.
I also know he has a problem with being under stress due to bills and runs away from problems. If it wasn't for me he would have never testified in court when subpoenaed. He wanted to run from that.
No matter what I do for him he puts it down and has excuses why his family or friends did not help. I also feel I am with a parasite in a way. He improves his life by appearing better through other people's hard work.
 
« Last Edit: October 12, 2014, 08:29:53 PM by idee »

Offline idee

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I might be dumb
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2014, 01:44:59 AM »
I am in bed now as my family is in the kitchen. My husband and I argued today. I finally admitted to my husband that I need him, I need his help, and that I enjoy spending time with him as well. I also told him I never relied on anyone except my dad and mom. Sure my mom was mean, but she did not like to see someone go hungry. My dad lent me the money I needed. I paid him back every time. My dad passed away in April 2010. I was devastated, but my siblings needed comfort and I saw them as vulnerable. I argued with them and had hoped for them to be so vulnerable. Finally it came and I ended up feeling bad for them. We argued well my dad was in the hospital and at my dad's viewing they came to me with hugs and trust. To me the hug meant trust as it is asking for comfort or acceptance. The hug that says I need comfort and I mean it.
Ever since then I have seen my job as to complete school and help my three siblings. In the future I plan to move them into my home if needed.
Tonight I had to admit to my husband I need his help, I don't want him to leave, I have come to rely on him so much, and I also enjoy spending time with him. Our movie nights are fun. He has gotten me to watch films I really enjoyed like Fearless with Jet Lee. I would have never chosen to watch this movie on my own ever.
I am trying things his way. Because he said my way did not work. I was trying to be the strong woman who did not need a man like in my youth. I was cute, thin, single, and had my parents. Now I am older, chunky, a mother, and my idea of a good time is a nap.

« Last Edit: October 13, 2014, 01:56:09 AM by idee »

 


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