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Author Topic: Dating Someone Negative  (Read 1266 times)

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Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Dating Someone Negative
« on: August 01, 2014, 11:43:01 AM »
Dear Family

I have been positive for just over a year now and it has been a struggle mentally accepting myself.  Therapy has been a life saver and I have learned so much.

I recently met someone and we had a great connection.  On the fourth date I disclosed my status and he was taken back but told me never to say sorry.  I cried as it was hard for me to tell him.  He said he needed a day to think about it but feels personally we should continue where we left off.  I even went online and sent him some links so he could read and understand how far we have come.
The following night I got a text from him saying he could not call because he would cry, but he just could not date a guy that is HIV positive. 
This was a total shock and I felt so rejected.  All those worries of "Nobody will date you because you're HIV positive", "You're damaged goods etc came back.  I took some time to think and I text him back a very nice message.

To my surprise he called me two days later and apologized for how he handled the situation.  He had done some reading and he feels he would be giving up an opportunity with someone he has had such a good connection with, just because of HIV.  I agreed to meet with him and talk but my guard is up and I am scared and nervous. 
I have done some reading online but I was hoping I could get feedback on how to handle our lunch meeting.  I know I need to listen but I don't want to overload him with statistics and numbers. 

I would also like to know, "When is it the right time to disclose your status?".  I've read online you should get it out before you meet, some day waiting for a couple of dates is selfish, some say as HIV positive we tend to be clingy and have to prove ourselves before we disclose.  I beg to differ, I am myself and go with what my heart tells me.

This website has been a wealth of information and I thank everyone for sharing their experiences with us all. 

Clinton 

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,913
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2014, 11:51:50 AM »
Don't second guess yourself about having done anything wrong, such as the timing.
Hopefully he will come around and get chill with the difference.
In the grand scheme of things, its just another facet of a relation.  In my opinion, some people can't deal and some can. Might take him a  moment to figure out which camp he is in.  And its not much to do with the HIV+ person, no matter how brilliantly the HIV+ person deals with the difference.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online geobee

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  • Posts: 284
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2014, 12:04:05 PM »
He will be as comfortable as you are.  If you freak out, so will he.  But if you handle it with grace, and style and humor he'll think "what a guy!"

Don't minimize, but don't make it a big deal either.  Because it isn't.

You are lovable not "in spite of" or "even though you have" HIV.  You are lovable, period.

Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2014, 01:33:50 PM »
Thank you Mecch and Geobee for your comments.  You are both right and I should just remain calm and let him speak and ask questions.  I have a naughty sense of humor which he likes so I will use it when its appropriate. 

Offline pittman

  • Member
  • Posts: 226
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2014, 12:29:50 AM »
I would suggest just keeping the message simple.

1) Treated individuals can have normal lives.
2) Treated individuals who are undetectable (assuming your are) are very unlikely to transmit the disease.
3) Safe sex practices, including condoms or PrEP are effective prevention steps against the transmission of HIV.

While being HIV+ forces you to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to a potential partner when you disclose, it's not a sign of weakness or permission to be treated as less than equal. Allowing for some time for them to adjust is prudent I think in the beginning, but if they don't eventually adjust and treat you normally then beware.

Online zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,560
  • not fade away
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2014, 07:34:43 AM »
interested to know how this turns out... i have a negative sending me those "hurry up and ask me out" vibes. if i do, i'll disclose up front, even before the date.

see how that goes

i guess it'll be the first step back to dating, marks the first time i've disclosed in order to try for a relationship with a neg. last four years i have only serosorted.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,686
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2014, 11:15:11 AM »


       Hi  Cjmia  ,
                          I'm not on the dating scene  , been with my NEG Husband
       for over  30 years now .
       I was lucky , years ago my partner told me " It's OK we will deal with
       any issues that come up "
       Well so many years later he is still NEG    I've had some health issues ,
      nothing compared to some of my friends .

       One of these days you will find a guy that will be smart enough to
      know life is life , It's better to disclose up front .

       Hope your new date works out good for you  :)

                                                                    Carl
" Live and let Live "

Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2014, 10:22:07 AM »
interested to know how this turns out... i have a negative sending me those "hurry up and ask me out" vibes. if i do, i'll disclose up front, even before the date.

see how that goes

i guess it'll be the first step back to dating, marks the first time i've disclosed in order to try for a relationship with a neg. last four years i have only serosorted.

The Wednesday after I posted this I got a call from my guy.  He apologized for the way he reacted and he said that it was wrong of him to put 24 hours on the subject to think about.  He said that he had such a connection with me and he did not want to throw that away just because of my status.  He had done some reading and would continue to read.  We met and talked and we made a conscious decision to continue seeing each other.  It has been a few weeks now and he seems more at ease than me LOL!. 
The funny thing is, he asked if we could meet with my doctor and we have an appointment today.  He sent me a text on Monday saying he was nervous about Wednesday and thinks we are going to fast.  I think he is still stuck on the Stigma but he assures me if he was not intrested in seeing me he would not make the effort to meet with my doctor.  I listen to what he has to say and reassure him everything is going to be okay, but its all in his head.  I will say though that I am willing to work through this with him because he is truly worth it.  I shall keep you posted.

Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2014, 10:26:33 AM »
He will be as comfortable as you are.  If you freak out, so will he.  But if you handle it with grace, and style and humor he'll think "what a guy!"

Don't minimize, but don't make it a big deal either.  Because it isn't.

You are lovable not "in spite of" or "even though you have" HIV.  You are lovable, period.

Thank you so much for your kind words.  We have a doctors appointment today and I'm going to stay calm and throw in my sarcastic humor a little to lighten it up.  I gues I have a little work to do on myself also because sometimes I beat myself up because of it when really its just a part of me.  I find myself being a little anal "No pun intended" LOL with my meds and eating healthy but thats a good thing. 

Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2014, 10:29:59 AM »

       Hi  Cjmia  ,
                          I'm not on the dating scene  , been with my NEG Husband
       for over  30 years now .
       I was lucky , years ago my partner told me " It's OK we will deal with
       any issues that come up "
       Well so many years later he is still NEG    I've had some health issues ,
      nothing compared to some of my friends .

       One of these days you will find a guy that will be smart enough to
      know life is life , It's better to disclose up front .

       Hope your new date works out good for you  :)

                                                                    Carl

Dear Carl

You are an inspiration for everyone.  One day I am going to show your message to the guy I'm dating so he can see that this does not define who we will be with.  Anything is possible when two partners are committed to being with one another.  Today we will visit my doctor for a consultation so lets see what happens.  Big Hug.

Offline mrtoad

  • Member
  • Posts: 48
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2014, 11:09:54 AM »
I do wish you good luck with this.Guys who say they are ok with it can "change" their mind soon enough.Hopefully that won't happen to you.But I would find out just how ok he is with it,if i were you.subtly that is..don't push too hard.what i mean is..don't just drop the subject and not continue talking about it a little at a time.
Lee
prezista with a kick from norvir,
Truvada, Intellence. celexa,xanax.Revolving statin

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2014, 03:28:42 PM »
Personally, I think it's best to disclose in person, on the first date, if you feel there was a connection. That's what i did with my boyfriend, and we've been together for 3 years. AND we're getting married in the Fall! ;)

I think everyone comes with their own perks and history, and I like to think that you can meet someone who will respect what HIV means to you as much as they'd see there's also much more to you. The same way we should look at someone else and understand them as a whole and not stick only to one little tag (health condition, origins, appearance, etc.)

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,260
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2014, 09:33:24 PM »
I've been with my neg partner for going on 7 years. We probably would've gotten together 10 years before that, had he at that time not made a casual comment that I interpreted as virophobic. Little did I know he was quite comfortable with it and here we are, nesting like bunnies, all these years later.

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 308
  • Hi...
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2014, 02:46:09 AM »
I always thought we had to date other positive people. I have told someone I was positive and he ran out of my parent's home. I figured find another HIV positive person. I'd be safe that way.
Good luck with dating. I read someone here is marrying in the fall to an HIV negative person. I guess there are good people out there.

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,260
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2014, 09:24:36 PM »
Nope, it does not always have to be that way. "Serodiscordant," or "magentic" (meaning positive and negative attracts) couples are everywhere. Our member Bocker married his partner recently, and I know another couple here in Texas who are about to do the same. Since I'm now officing at home, I am going to hire an acocuntant to do my taxes next Spring (to figure out how to write off the home expenses) and I'm going to ask about the tax benefits of marriage. It's not legal here (yet) but the benefits are being recognized by the IRS, regardless.

Offline mitch777

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,582
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2014, 09:49:46 PM »
Hey Cj,

I met my partner in 1994, me eight years Poz at the time. We will be celebrating 20 years together next week.

I never give advice when it comes to love but just know that being hiv doesn't mean it's not possible. Just like everyone else, it's timing, luck, blaaa... Sure, we pozzies need to bring it up. I agree with Mecch, trust your instincts.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Cjmia

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Dating Someone Negative
« Reply #16 on: September 03, 2014, 12:59:01 PM »
Dear Family

Thank you again for all your replies and advice, it truly has been helpful.  Unfortunately things did not work out between us.  He said things seemed to change between us from before and after. 
I have to be honest and say I was a little scared and could not be fulfilled.
Is this a struggle with accepting myself, maybe.  A few of my friends have told me this and said you need to love yourself before you can go out and date.  Can anyone suggest some reading material or something they did that helped. 

I have learned a lot from this experience.  Congrats to Idee on their marriage in the Fall and mitch777 for being together for 20 years. 

Kind Regards

CJ

 


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