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Author Topic: How do I convince him to see a doctor?  (Read 530 times)

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Offline killbillplease

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How do I convince him to see a doctor?
« on: July 09, 2014, 08:16:07 PM »
A few months ago I posted in the Am I infected forum because my BF was diagnosed with HIV and we had unprotected sex.

6 months later and I am negative... Anyway's thats beyond the point.

Long story short he had a doctor...was prescribed Atripla read terrible reviews and side effects and decided that he was going to ask his doctor for another medication. Anyway, before he could make it to a doctor his insurance changed, and now has to find a new doctor. Anyway, I looked up a doctor that takes his insurance and everything but he still doesn't want to go. He tells me that "i don't understand how hard it is."

I really just want him to be healthy but every time I bring up the subject he gets angry and pushes me away. We haven't really had sex since his diagnosis there were a few times (protected of course) but still it would make me feel much better having sex with him while he is on meds in case there is ever an accident like a broken condom or something.

I hate making him feel like his disease is stopping me from loving him like I used to but I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to become infected either.

Also, he is also becoming very depressed because of his status...any advice on that subject would be great too.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What do you recommend I do? I understand it's his life and he has the right to do whatever he pleases..but I get worried sometimes. I love him to death. We've been together on and off for about 3 years now.

Online zach

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Re: How do I convince him to see a doctor?
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 08:46:53 PM »
congrats on your status. keep yourself negative, protect yourself

your boyfriend is on a tough ride, its going to be hard on you to watch the process play out. of course he needs to come to terms with the virus, live with it, treat it. that may take time, no matter what. provided his numbers are good, give him that time to breathe. but if his numbers are bad, it may take more immediate direct action to drag his ass into a clinic

keep us utd. do not panic
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline MaxellSmith

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Re: How do I convince him to see a doctor?
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2014, 02:01:58 AM »
It is important that he visits a doctor so his immune system doesn't get too compromised. Try to talk about this with him again. Did he tell someone else? Maybe if he did those people could also talk to him.
My bf is also positive and that doesn't stop loving him the same way I did when he was not. If you use condoms you won't get infected, and until he is UD if the condom breaks you can go to a hospital for PEP. It is important that he sees that nothing has changed between you two because his status and that you are by his side.

Offline mecch

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Re: How do I convince him to see a doctor?
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2014, 07:58:22 AM »
A few months ago I posted in the Am I infected forum because my BF was diagnosed with HIV and we had unprotected sex.

6 months later and I am negative... Anyway's thats beyond the point.

Long story short he had a doctor...was prescribed Atripla read terrible reviews and side effects and decided that he was going to ask his doctor for another medication. Anyway, before he could make it to a doctor his insurance changed, and now has to find a new doctor. Anyway, I looked up a doctor that takes his insurance and everything but he still doesn't want to go. He tells me that "i don't understand how hard it is."

I really just want him to be healthy but every time I bring up the subject he gets angry and pushes me away. We haven't really had sex since his diagnosis there were a few times (protected of course) but still it would make me feel much better having sex with him while he is on meds in case there is ever an accident like a broken condom or something.

I hate making him feel like his disease is stopping me from loving him like I used to but I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to become infected either.

Also, he is also becoming very depressed because of his status...any advice on that subject would be great too.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What do you recommend I do? I understand it's his life and he has the right to do whatever he pleases..but I get worried sometimes. I love him to death. We've been together on and off for about 3 years now.

I was in a similar situation 2x, me as the - partner, but not exactly the same of course.

The first time there was no treatment for HIV and no PEP or PrEP. I had to get over my fear of infection to continue the sex life. Without the sex life neither of us would have been interested in the relation. 

Its understandable you would like the reassurance that he is on medicine, for your own peace of mind healthwise. In fact, don't underestimate the other advantages that him being in close medical attention and doing whats required, treatment or no treatment for the moment, to take HIV in stride in his life.  Also, the anger doesn't help. Nor does his depression and pushing you away. So - there may be more to your dysfunctional sex life then just him having a viral load and you being weary of it.

Still, one thing you have to do is decide if you can be comfortable, or not, having sex with a HIV+ person who is not on treatment. If you cannot, then you need to make plans to leave this relation.  For you own good.  Cause everyone wants love and intimacy and a safe feeling and sex from their partner. Well, at least most people do.  Anyway its my opinion its better to have a relation with sex than a relation without.

Now on to him. 

I think the only good answer when he says "you don't know how hard it is" .... to go to a doc and deal constructively with an HIV infection...  is, "Yes, honey, I suppose I do not. My heart goes out to you and I just want to support you in anyway I can.  I think it would be best for you to go to a doc. How can I help?"

Second, do you think he is in shock? And will eventually go? 

Or do you think he is deluded that he doesn't need to deal with his infection?
If he is deluded, intellectually that is, lacking information, then you can help him get the knowledge that he needs so he can overcome his delusion. Just kindly neutral give him the "straight dope".  HIV+ people need regular medical attention. dot. period.

If he is emotionally blocked, can't deal with his own fear, can't deal with the stigma, etc etc, they are all going to be a challenge for him. There will probably only be so much you can "help him" on those points... 

Just decide yourself if you think its fine that your love is HIV+, and when you decide yes, you can always reassure him that your couple can take this challenge in stride, just like you expect there to be other challenges in the future and will want to work together to meet them. overcome them.  Sharing the joys and challenges, thats it.

If there is a financial burden, you might be able to help him constructively figure that out. 

This isn't related to HIV, but I know my dad, coming from a poor, large family, never really was proactive about doctors, dentists, and checkups through his life, when in fact he could afford it, because it just made him deeply uncomfortable, stressed out, and it was in his bones that it was about money and potential pain to the family and the family finances.  Head in the sand about that sort of thing. Its pretty common. He paid the price for letting his bad old habits and anxieties run his adult actions...

Anyway, all told, its 2014 and if an HIV+ person lives in a place and situation with access to doctors and treatment when needed, its a "no-brainer".  Its really quite basic - one has a choice - go to doctors and take medicine when required, or suffer and then die.   But if one goes to the doc and does it all responsibly, one lives and in fact many newly infected people really never get sick from HIV, for the current decades. Well, we'll see when the newly infected are on HAART still, 30, 40 years down the line. But the prognosis is quite ok these days.

His immune system might not be destroyed yet, so the clock is ticking... Its a sort of self destruction he is doing, either cause of intellect or emotions, or both....  But that's what it is.

Tell him to join here. 

Also protect yourself and set your limits.  Sometimes the loved ones are not the most helpful people when someone is in suicide pattern.. It might take professional intervention...   Remember, no matter how much you love someone, and want to stick through thick and thin, you have to protect yourself, and set limits, and also keep watch that you don't enable a person on a suicide tract.  Meaning sometimes we have to distance ourselves, oddly, from what is happening and let professionals figure out a way to help the person stabilise or turn himself around.

If he stays away from medical care long enough, he is going to get sick, and it is going to be a burden on you.  If he knows intellectually that someone in his shoes must get medical care now, and refuses to do so for a long time, its anger making, its insulting to you and selfish of him.  Because he's going to create a lot of pain, suffering, and burdens on more people them himself. And needlessly... gratuitously.  I know that sounds pretty harsh, so just take that as my personal opinion of similar situations... I am not a counsellor, I'm just talking about my experience and opinions in these matters.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2014, 08:13:58 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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