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Author Topic: Feeling so guilty  (Read 813 times)

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Offline xrel0aded

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  • Posts: 22
Feeling so guilty
« on: July 01, 2014, 06:59:35 AM »
Hey everyone. I just wanted to post here in hopes that it would relieve some stress I've been having. My close friend moved to a different state a few months back and has been back for the past three weeks visiting. Ever since we met we had a very flirtatious relationship. He's been at my house for the majority of the time he's been here. My friends and I are young and wild and known to over indulge in tequila and vodka..I mean at least it's not anything else. Anyway only a very few select people know I'm poz and he is not one of them. Three weeks ago we got incredibly drunk and had sex, and then it happened again, and again, a total of maybe 4 times. We have used a condom each and every time we've had sex besides a few years ago when we randomly hooked up (while I was still neg). Although I know there is virtually no risk involved when condoms are in the mix I just can't help but feel this extreme guilt and worry for him and i don't seem to have the balls to tell him because I'm certain he will never speak to me again. I'm not necessarily asking for advice but I just wanted to put this out there so I could stop thinking about it every time I'm trying to sleep. Is that selfish of me?

Offline zach

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2014, 09:24:58 AM »
views and opinions are widely mixed on nondisclosure in a sexual relationship, lot of irrational emotions and judgements

one thing you may want to carefully consider, in some states, you have just admitted to a felony. there is a whole section of the lessons above that deals with criminalization, button

you are UD, and the sex was protected. as far as the virus, you have nothing to feel guilty of, no worries

the lack of open honesty before an intimate act, not my place to judge, but you're feeling that guilt for a reason, you've already judged yourself

Offline Theyer

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2014, 06:36:01 PM »
Have you considered that your feelings for this man have evolved beyond drunken sheet crumbling and therefore your lack off disclosure is hurting what you want ?

Courage my friend what ever the outcome summoning up courage , feels better in the long run
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline leatherman

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2014, 07:23:38 PM »
you are UD, and the sex was protected.
ummm, is the OP UD?

i was poking through your posting history, xrel0aded, and saw that you referred to yourself as "treatment naive" back in dec 2013 and that you have been taking supplements. Have you gone onto meds yet?

While condom usage is very effective against HIV transmission, being UD and using condoms has the nil transmission rate track record.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline vertigo

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  • Posts: 138
Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2014, 07:54:58 PM »
If you are in the habit of not disclosing before sex, and yet are also not on treatment, then maybe you should resolve to change at least one of those factors.

My suggestion would be to start on meds.  UD guys are not infectious.  And educated neggies are way more likely to fool around with UD poz guys than those who are not.  So by attaining UD status, not only are you not a transmission risk, but disclosure is likely to go a lot better, too.

As it stands, given the moderate viral loads you last referenced, right now you could pass your virus along if you're not careful.  Now that would cause some guilt.

Also, news travels fast and people gossip.  Your HIV status may not be as closely held as you think.

Offline zach

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 11:20:01 PM »
ummm, is the OP UD?


mea culpa, i assumed.

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2014, 12:01:27 AM »
If you are in the habit of not disclosing before sex, and yet are also not on treatment, then maybe you should resolve to change at least one of those factors.

My suggestion would be to start on meds.  UD guys are not infectious.  And educated neggies are way more likely to fool around with UD poz guys than those who are not.  So by attaining UD status, not only are you not a transmission risk, but disclosure is likely to go a lot better, too.

As it stands, given the moderate viral loads you last referenced, right now you could pass your virus along if you're not careful.  Now that would cause some guilt.

Also, news travels fast and people gossip.  Your HIV status may not be as closely held as you think.

I was just reading this article, which says while rare, UD does not mean absolutely no risk.  Extremely rare, but thought good to not put out there UD means zero risk.

http://www.poz.com/articles/transmission_risk_761_25675.shtml

Offline Theyer

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Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2014, 04:55:06 PM »
I was just reading this article, which says while rare, UD does not mean absolutely no risk.  Extremely rare, but thought good to not put out there UD means zero risk.

http://www.poz.com/articles/transmission_risk_761_25675.shtml

Thank you , I do not know when extremely rare became zero ,I am assuming its all part off the ,in my view, over optimistic reaction to the wonderful advances there has been for many.

But the lack off prevention education drives me mad . How we on the one hand get people to test and on the other remain completely honest about a life being HIV+ , seems to be beyond our abilities at the moment.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline vertigo

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  • Posts: 138
Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2014, 06:05:36 PM »
Ted & Theyer, good points.  But many doctors are looking at the PARTNER study as being pretty conclusive that UD means non-infectious.  Of course, it's hard for science to prove that something will never happen.  And would I top my bf without a condom?  No.  Even though I have perfect med adherence and my doc said there is no risk.  It still feels wrong.  But the science is very strong in favor of treatment as prevention.  It's not over-optimism.

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Feeling so guilty
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2014, 07:22:11 PM »
Ted & Theyer, good points.  But many doctors are looking at the PARTNER study as being pretty conclusive that UD means non-infectious.  Of course, it's hard for science to prove that something will never happen.  And would I top my bf without a condom?  No.  Even though I have perfect med adherence and my doc said there is no risk.  It still feels wrong.  But the science is very strong in favor of treatment as prevention.  It's not over-optimism.

Undetectable means noninfectious but it all changes when you throw the word if in front of undetectable . Im undetectable but have had many many blips along the way where I was not so I think If I was undettetable then I was not infectious during that period .

 


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