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Author Topic: I need advice PLEASE  (Read 1070 times)

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Offline jeremybelmondo

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I need advice PLEASE
« on: June 30, 2014, 01:07:30 PM »
So I met this guy at a spa, and we went fucking. I am POZ, and have been taking Atripla for a year now, and mi HIV status is undetectable, so I was bottoming, but he didn't wear a condom. I wasn't much worried, since I thought it would be that one time and me being the bottom and undetectable, he was at a very low risk of getting infected. Soon after the fuck we started chating, and decided to go eating and we've been going out for three days now. Now I'm feeling really guilty since I haven't told him, I know I should, and now I don't know what to do. Have you ever been in this situation, what would you advice me to do?

Offline Almost2late

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2014, 01:32:15 PM »
You know what the right thing IS so why don't you just DO IT!
Besides aren't you afraid of catching another std, that would complicate your life even more.. right?
Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline Tonny2

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 01:38:07 PM »
 8)Hi jeremy

I think you are right about you saying the chances of infecing him are low...I have a friend that went through this before, I will tell you what I said to my friend, if you are planning in a relationship with this guy, you have to be HONEST, otherwise just forget about it and if you keep having sex, protect yourself there are a lot of other STD that you may get, Ok?...good luck...ojo

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2014, 01:43:51 PM »
Welcome to the forums . You will get plenty of opinions on this but here is my 2 cents worth on partially addressing the issue . 

There are legal ramifications to to having sex while poz to be considered that is a fact we must live with right or wrong . The other thing is its my opinion and a strong one on my part is that if you are having bareback sex you need to disclose your status before sex .

Just my opinion for what its worth .

Offline jeremybelmondo

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2014, 02:09:08 PM »
Hey pochas2

Thanks for the reply, I think you're right, I am actually planning on meeting him tomorrow and tell him all about it. God knows I'm scared as hell but is the right thing to do. May I ask how did it go to your friend, in case he did tell the guy?

Offline Theyer

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2014, 02:21:52 PM »
Its the only decision to make ,hope all goes well for you both
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Online zach

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2014, 02:36:28 PM »
no brainer, a2l is right, you know what the right thing to do is. statistics of the risk of transmission would have been a great topic before the barebacking began. now, you've stepped in it, time to clean it off your shoe and keep walking.


Offline mikeyb39

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2014, 08:38:49 PM »
I wouldn't come right out and say it.  I think I would first put my toes in the water so to speak and just bring it up casually and see what his reaction is to it.

Throw it in the conversation by saying something like 'What are your thought about HIV.  something like that
11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD

Offline Tonny2

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2014, 08:49:57 PM »
Hey pochas2

Thanks for the reply, I think you're right, I am actually planning on meeting him tomorrow and tell him all about it. God knows I'm scared as hell but is the right thing to do. May I ask how did it go to your friend, in case he did tell the guy?

hey jeremy, Jeff, as usual, ihe is right, but I think that is more difficult to deal with your conscience, being a decent person, you seem to be by feeling this way, than dealing with the law, I think, just my opinion....about my friend I will send you a PM, I just can tell you here that my friend got through this positevely, ...ojo

Offline stuka

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2014, 09:47:19 PM »
I am forever grateful to the guy, who used to share needles with me, who told me to get tested ASAP! He saved my life!

If you are scared to tell him yourself you can always call the health department and give his information to them. They will then inform him that he was possibly exposed and he would need to get tested.


Offline harleymc

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2014, 05:29:44 AM »
Before anybody beats up anymore on a person who has been taking their meds and having an undetectable viral load. All very reponsible stuff.

So stuka met this guy at a spa and the person, who has not disclosed their status either, fucked stuka without a condom.....

How precisely was the top coerced? He wasn't!

Sounds like the top was irresponsible.

Offline BT65

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2014, 05:41:08 AM »
You know what the right thing IS so why don't you just DO IT!
Besides aren't you afraid of catching another std, that would complicate your life even more.. right?

I just got a mod report about this particular post.  While it may seem abrasive, the OP asked for honest opinions, and this was one.  I don't believe Almost2late meant any harm by it.  Besides that, this was from June and there was no other mod report. 

Almost, while I would not find anything wrong with your post, for newer members you may want to put on kid gloves for the first few answers to their questions. 

Otherwise, I am not doing anything else regarding this report.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Online zach

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #12 on: July 17, 2014, 05:59:09 AM »
see that pink elephant in the corner?

we are all responsible for the choices we make. i think we should take personal responsibility for our own behavior, and not deflect it onto someone that has been placed at risk without disclosure through a lie of omission.

don't kid yourselves, not disclosing equates to lying to the partner. 

having unsafe high risk sex, is reckless and irresponsible. and most of us are here for doing exactly that.

not disclosing positive status, entering into an intimate relationship? immoral and wrong in my book. bottom or not, UD or not, disclose and give the potential partner the opportunity to make an informed decision

the statistical likelihood of transmission is not our choice to shoulder

there was a positive artist brought up today in another thread, some powerful work he did.

a line from one of his works

discard after use



 

Offline BT65

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #13 on: July 17, 2014, 06:09:43 AM »
Zach, while I totally agree we are responsible to disclose prior to risky sexual activity, the "other person" also has responsibility to protect him/herself.  It is not 100% the fault of the HIV+ person in a sexual situation, if an HIV- person turns out positive.  Both share responsibility. 

If I have sex with someone without using a condom and end up with the clap, I would not blame the other person.  If I did not insist on using a condom, I would accept responsibility.

Now, this is not a pass on not disclosing to others.  But, I like to keep the big picture in mind with this subject.  The criminalizing of this virus has been a very sore subject with me ever since it became a crime.  I do not believe in criminalizing a virus, HIV or anything else.  I do believe in disclosing as I said, so please no one get up in arms thinking I'm encouraging us pozzies to go out and start having unprotected, undisclosed risky sexual activity.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Online zach

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2014, 06:50:51 AM »
i'm talking about morality, not legality, no one gets a free pass

Offline BT65

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2014, 07:25:25 AM »
i'm talking about morality, not legality, no one gets a free pass

And I guess I thought I made that distinction by stating I do not believe in not disclosing, but I hate the criminalizing of a virus.  I guess I wasn't clear.

So, while for my own peace of mind (I hate the word "moral"), I would disclose, I would not want to be prosecuted by someone who was pissed off, screaming I did not disclose, even if I did.

To me, to say someone is not acting "moral" implies judgment.  I realize that is not the same for everyone.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline GSOgymrat

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2014, 09:35:31 AM »
If you reverse roles, what would you want your partner to do?

Also ask yourself whether your desire to disclose is to help this person or just relieve your feelings of guilt.

Offline Almost2late

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  • "My disease stops with me" - Jeff G
Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #17 on: July 17, 2014, 10:33:51 AM »
Doing the right thing is to not infect anyone further than myself.. whether they know of my status or not, the responsibility is mine because I KNOW my status.. Even if I were undetectable, I still would use a condom and disclose my status to my partner.. I don't even want to mix my hiv with someone else's hiv.

I think its sad that passing hiv is considered a crime in some states but there are a few people who knowingly pass it to others maliciously, making the stigma worst for us all
Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline Tonny2

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #18 on: July 17, 2014, 12:39:44 PM »
ojo   Hi evereone

I'm with Zack and almost2late on this, its a matter of priciple, if I were to have sex with someone and this person would want to use a condom, I would advise him, knowing what all of us go through living with this virus....and almost2late, I do thin that'is crimanal for someone who is passing this virus to other, knoqing that he/she is infected with the virus....ojo

Online zach

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2014, 03:52:28 PM »
for the permanent record on this topic

i am 100% opposed to criminalization



Offline stuka

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2014, 04:47:07 PM »
Before anybody beats up anymore on a person who has been taking their meds and having an undetectable viral load. All very reponsible stuff.

So stuka met this guy at a spa and the person, who has not disclosed their status either, fucked stuka without a condom.....

How precisely was the top coerced? He wasn't!

Sounds like the top was irresponsible.

umm... excuse me but I am not the OP who went to the spa.

Offline Almost2late

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  • "My disease stops with me" - Jeff G
Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #21 on: July 17, 2014, 05:47:11 PM »
I just got a mod report about this particular post.  While it may seem abrasive, the OP asked for honest opinions, and this was one.  I don't believe Almost2late meant any harm by it.  Besides that, this was from June and there was no other mod report. 

Almost, while I would not find anything wrong with your post, for newer members you may want to put on kid gloves for the first few answers to their questions. 

Otherwise, I am not doing anything else regarding this report.

Betty


Just noticed this in the thread so I will address it.. My intentions was to give sound advise and not offend the OP.. In the future I'll try and be a little less direct with new folks ( I honestly had no idea he was new )..I'm not here trying to piss people off.. just giving my opinion.

My sincere apologies to you Jeremy and I hope it all worked out for you



Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline harleymc

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #22 on: July 18, 2014, 09:42:11 AM »
Disclosure never stops transmissions.  The idiots who rely on disclosure to 'inform' them who it is safe to have risky sex with, get reassured by disclosure and go on to make the same mistakes with others.

All disclosure does is to add to stigma.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #23 on: July 18, 2014, 10:13:24 AM »

All disclosure does is to add to stigma.

I strongly disagree with this statement . The more we are open about our HIV status the more people are willing to talk about the virus and become comfortable discussing it .

Offline absopozilutely

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2014, 02:03:17 AM »
Disclosure eradicates stigma as it opens conversation and dialogue. Saying it adds to stigma is ludicrous! It helps educate people!
12/18 Infected
2/4 12:22pm tested POZ via ORAquick
2/19 WB Confirmation
2/4-2/19 VL 104,678 CD4 407
3/2 Genotype back, and Started Complera
4/2-CD4 688 38% and VL 1,600
5/1-CD4 592 42% and VL 336
5/22-CD4 732 31% and VL 109 :( STILL NOT UD!
5/31 Switched to Stribild :( I'll miss you Complera!
6/19 CD4 508 35% and VL UD!!!!! Crying at work like a baby.

Offline BT65

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2014, 07:17:41 AM »
Disclosure never stops transmissions.  The idiots who rely on disclosure to 'inform' them who it is safe to have risky sex with, get reassured by disclosure and go on to make the same mistakes with others.

All disclosure does is to add to stigma.

I disagree with this also.  Disclosure does not add to stigma, not disclosing does.  If we do not disclose, then others will say "see, all they want to do is add others to their misery, we knew it all along."  If we disclose, as someone said, it opens up conversations that may have not otherwise taken place.  It can encourage HIV education, and the idea that HIV+ folk do give others choices.  And if the other person rejects the HIV+ person after the disclosure, at least the person rejecting can say (s)he was given the choice.  And we wouldn't want someone who would reject us for something that is a part of us.

For the record, I am for disclosure.  I am not for criminalization of a virus; however, I do not believe it is okay to not disclose.  While I would never pass judgment on a person who does not disclose (because I believe adults are responsible for their sexual health), I would always advise disclosing.  I always have, and always will.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Almost2late

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Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2014, 11:18:37 AM »
I actually don't believe in HIV specific criminalization either and I happen to live in a state where its law
Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: I need advice PLEASE
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2014, 11:45:32 AM »
When I see people grappling with disclosure issues many times its because they have not come to terms and made that uneasy peace with their diagnosis ... for the first year of my diagnosis I was one of those people.

It is a reality that to disclose an HIV status can lead to acts of violence and financial hardships for some people and that is a topic in itself . I personally believe that a person who is sexually active should disclose and that disclosure is yet another box to be checked on why HIV sucks but the hard reality is with an HIV infection also comes a responsibility that may be a burden but a responsibility all the same .

Putting aside the legal aspects and the fact that if you have protected sex or are undetectable its not possible to to pass the virus on I have another personal reason for disclosure . Early on in my infection I had protected sex with a hook up who asked me to go on a date when we ran into each other again . I disclosed my status to him and he was gracious but frightened due to his limited knowledge of HIV . The sex I had with this person was not worth the hurt and fear he went through and I never did that again, ever .

The guy was a good man who needed to learn some more about HIV and I could have saved him a day of pain if I had only told him to begin with . The ends and outs of disclosure are not as complicated as the emotional reasons that holds us back from doing it in the first place .   


 


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