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Author Topic: How do you feel about the person who infected you?Do you forgive them?  (Read 2304 times)

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Offline goldkray9

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How do you feel about the person who infected you?Do you forgive them?Please be honest.

Offline BT65

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Yes, yes I do.  I just wish he was still alive.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Miss Philicia

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Well, I'm not sure exactly who it was but I suspect. About the only thing I think about him 25 years later is that he was really cute.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline emeraldize

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Have I forgiven the person? No. The person knowingly infected me and others. Forgiveness is a concept that, for me, doesn't fit all circumstances.

How do I feel about the person? Sub-indifference.

When you ask respondents here to "be honest" -- do you think that's a necessary question? Anyone can post here or say to you directly anything --no matter your hope or desire for the truth.

They can even look you squarely in the eyes and state they were tested for HIV with negative results.

 




Offline zach

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honestly, i have no idea when i was infected. my behavior led to my infection, someone didn't "do" this to me.

i forgive myself.

Online Jeff G

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Welcome to the forum GoldKray9 . I never considered that any one other than myself was responsible for me becoming HIV positive . I tested for HIV the week the test became available decades ago and although I do not know for sure where or when I acquired the virus I probably would feel the same if I did know .

I personally believe that outside of rape or a cheating partner that avoiding HIV is the responsibility of the individual . I have seen many people spend years of wasted negative energy blaming others for their HIV infections when in truth they could have prevented it themselves .

Are you HIV positive ? and what brings you to us to ask this question, are you having trouble or holding anger towards someone for your infection ? 

Offline mecch

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Are you HIV positive ? and what brings you to us to ask this question, are you having trouble or holding anger towards someone for your infection ?

this.

Before you get responses about our personal lives, why don't you discuss your own.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline wolfter

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Welcome to the forums.  This is a bit of a loaded question and a little perspective would be greatly appreciated. 

I take responsibility for my own infection.  I basically became infected before we even realized there was anything to guard against. 

best wishes
wolfie
productivity breeds content

Offline leatherman

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I'm not certain who infected me. If it's who I think it could have been, well then he's dead and I have missed him greatly every day for the last 7337 days (Or 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day).

Of course, the person who is actually responsible for me having HIV is myself - just like everyone else who is infected from unprotected sex is responsible for their own infection. I have forgiven myself; have you forgiven yourself yet?
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Online initforlife

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That's a very loaded question, but I do get angry at the guy who gave this to me, but then I have to remember I agree to have unprotected sex with him. So I'm really angry at my self I knew better! One of those who thinks it's not going to happen to me.. Let me just tell you every time you have unprotected sex It could happen to you! doesn't matter what or where you come from it can happen.  like I told my fwb, when he first told me to get tested and before I even knew I was Pos. I said no blame games we both had unprotected sex. He just got very sick and found out. Did thank him for telling me though he could've walk out of my life and never told me and I might have went next ten years without knowing . but as it is I found out early on treatment and life goes on even on the hard days! and with that being said, only thing I do wish is that he would have told me he was bi I would have been more careful I think.
I should have known he was bi

Offline goldkray9

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I'm female , I was 19 at the time and this was only  the second person I had ever been with my second boyfriend. We did get tested together before so its not like I went in blind because he wasn't sick when we met. We only dated for 7 months and had unprotected sex less than five times. I was 100℅ loyal and he was'nt which is why I broke up with him and unfortunately started to feel sick shortly after ...........:-(

Offline goldkray9

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So what your telling me is if your in a faithful , monogamous relationship and he cheats on you it's all of 'your' fault that you got infected????. So if my husband infected me after up with a random chick after work behind my back it 'my' fault???????. There is a thing call betrayal and it happens to everyone!!!!!

Offline J.R.E.

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How do you feel about the person who infected you?Do you forgive them?Please be honest.

Of Course I do.  I was infected in July of 1985, I don't like to think of him as the person who infected me.  It was very much my fault that protection wasn't used, and he didn't know that he was HIV positive. And even if he did know, it was still my responsibility. Lots of Booze and drugs played a role.


His mother called me around June 15th, of 1986, and asked me if I would be pallbearer for his funeral. I said yes.  By, June 19th, 86, he had passed on. It was one of the most emotional funerals I attended, and it was open casket. ( rare for that time) , as most people with aids were being cremated.




Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 6/4/14,  t-cells are at 423, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 13% 

  
 62 years young.

Offline Theyer

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So what your telling me is if your in a faithful , monogamous relationship and he cheats on you it's all of 'your' fault that you got infected????. So if my husband infected me after up with a random chick after work behind my back it 'my' fault???????. There is a thing call betrayal and it happens to everyone!!!!!

Hi and welcome.

If the above is your story , then its you who are telling us, not us telling you.

For myself the overwhelming feeling is loss as he died in 1989 , as we where together for 7 years , how can I have anything but sadness at the way life panned out for us . Sometimes there is anger in that sadness but not at him.

Can I suggest that you go back to your first Post and be straight forward and Honest and start dealing with your own emotions, This is not the place to be combative and have an argument over many peoples unique histories with there own unique reaction to them.

Though it is the place for a person to say.............

I am so angry at the betrayal off my trust which has resulted in my infection..............

In the forums you will come across people saying they want to VENT.
Meaning get it out there all the bile, haterid, vengeance ,hurt,confusion ,doubt this virus "can" produce . The aim is not to hold on to these life destroying feelings but to lessen them and not in any way damage another person in the process.

So please stay around  and work towards intergrating this horrible event into what  will probably be a long life for you .

Just let us potential friends , helper ,s, soul mates be able to listen to your hurt instead off wondering

"Why am I being attacked now?

And this will happen if you just say
Hi everyone I just got to vent and get this out

The post and the replies will hopefully help you have what is potentially  the adult life us rich { compared to the whole world } people have access to.

All the Best
Michael
« Last Edit: June 26, 2014, 11:33:37 AM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline zach

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anger and denial is normal, just one of the steps to processing this towards acceptance and accountability. would ask you this, be a little sensitive to those that have lost loved ones. you never know another persons pain.

no fault. no blame. it is only a virus.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2014, 11:36:37 AM by zach »

Online Jeff G

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So what your telling me is if your in a faithful , monogamous relationship and he cheats on you it's all of 'your' fault that you got infected????. So if my husband infected me after up with a random chick after work behind my back it 'my' fault???????. There is a thing call betrayal and it happens to everyone!!!!!

I cant see where anyone has suggested anything is your fault . I do understand betrayal having first hand experience with it myself . I carried around a lot of hatred and other emotions that I couldn't seem to make peace with until I realized how bad it was effecting my life and I had to take measures to move on and be healthier .

Its not wrong to feel the way you do, its only natural but I really do hope coming here and talking about it can be a step towards healing from pain of betrayal so you wont carry it around with you forever .

Offline mecch

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So what your telling me is if your in a faithful , monogamous relationship and he cheats on you it's all of 'your' fault that you got infected????. So if my husband infected me after up with a random chick after work behind my back it 'my' fault???????. There is a thing call betrayal and it happens to everyone!!!!!
Hey no one said it was your fault.
People talked about their own experiences.
Many people get HIV from deciding to have unprotected sex in less than safe and sure relations. 
People asked you to share your experience. Nobody commented on your responsibility because we didn't know your story.

Now, thank you for sharing.

You got HIV though a betrayal of trust and that sucks royally! I'm sorry that happened!

Its up to you how you want to deal with that person. 

How long ago was that anyway?

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Almost2late

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Yes, I forgive myself  :-\

Never blamed someone else for my misfortune.. I shoulda known better,
I just pray I didn't infect someone else
Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline Kardean

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I don't blame who I got it from for two reasons.  First, I am the type to always accept responsibilities for my own actions.  Second, I don't know for sure, but I've always believed that he had recently been infected himself and didn't even know it himself at the time.  As for forgiving myself as so many others have posted here... I pretty much have but must confess that at some low times it does still kick me in the ass even after all this time.

Offline goldkray9

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I'm 22

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
So what are your thoughts about that relation and that person, now?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline goldkray9

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He's in jail he infected about 8 other people after me  including one married woman. Honestly I don't think about my condition , I just take my meds and try to prevent infections . Other than that no one outside of my doctor knows but, I'll never tell anyone unless I have to.I basically was angry and had dreams everyday about killing him which is scary but I had no support and refuse to tell anyone. Btw I do blame my self first and firstmost for trusting such an evil, selfish, sadistic person but, at least he's not hurting anyone else. I'm just sad because I thought he loved me but, I guess he loved himself more.

Offline TabooPrincess

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Goldkray

I kept my secret for 2 years, through an entire pregnancy and months afterwards until I got his negative result.

I got pissed up one night and told a friend everything, I sobbed my heart out and months and months and years of hurt came out.

I suggest if nothing else, you find at least one person who you can tell your secret to - things only started moving on for me when I broke down that night.
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline Theyer

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Hello Gold ,

I am Glad you gave us more information , especially trusting us with what what sounds a very frightening time and set off experiences, I hope by joining us all it will take a load off however small .

 Do you like your Doc ?  , happy to reply to any ? you have , I post my bits in long Term Survivors ,Its a bit like a  Florida age restricted Housing Facility, you can visit but as a Babyhiver you can,t play there so pm if you wish .

bye for now
Michael
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
He's in jail he infected about 8 other people after me  including one married woman. Honestly I don't think about my condition , I just take my meds and try to prevent infections . Other than that no one outside of my doctor knows but, I'll never tell anyone unless I have to.I basically was angry and had dreams everyday about killing him which is scary but I had no support and refuse to tell anyone. Btw I do blame my self first and firstmost for trusting such an evil, selfish, sadistic person but, at least he's not hurting anyone else. I'm just sad because I thought he loved me but, I guess he loved himself more.

Well you can join us and talk here.  I am so sorry to hear that you had such a violent experience. Now that I am 50+ I feel so heart broken myself when I hear about young heartbreak and violence.

You used the past tense to say you "were" angry (and sorry about the nightmares....) so are you still angry now? You chose this as the first topic to talk about entering the forum so perhaps unfinished business here you know? 

Besides getting the nasty HIV..... its certainly hideous being betrayed by a lover!!! -- and I am thinking, this was one of your first loves? 

You got to get over blaming yourself for trusting a lover - its perfectly HUMAN and we have all done that and many of us have been burned and I'm not talking just about getting STDS.  People can be very shitty, indeed, to  other people.

Also give yourself a break. Exactly how worldly and wise were you supposed to be at 19....
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Basquo

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Yes, I forgive him. He's a fucking idiot who didn't get tested often enough and I think gave up on testing and learned to accept the fact that maybe he was. We dated for a year and a half, moved in together, and stopped using condoms. There you have it. Funny thing was, it was only after we were diagnosed together that all this slutty behavior on his part came to light. And while we were breaking up, I discovered that he had been really unfaithful, as in going to sex clubs. He didn't care. He never told me that he didn't care, but like I said, he's a fucking idiot and I was a fucking idiot to trust him even if I was in love. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, and now that his best friends are dead, it makes what happened even more clear. But the infection is my own. I moved on, left that fucker behind (12 years ago) and have never been happier.

Offline Paarthurnax

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If I would ever forgive somebody for infecting me? If it was purposely? never. If it was a mistake, then maybe. But most likely no.
-Paarthurnax

~Don't give up, live your life.~

~Love until it burns, love until it hurts, love until its numb~

Online Jeff G

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If I would ever forgive somebody for infecting me? If it was purposely? never. If it was a mistake, then maybe. But most likely no.

I think for from reading your post you are not HIV positive yourself . We have the someone I care about forum for members who are partnered or have family and friends that are living with HIV . If you are not HIV positive please only post in the someone I care about forum . You can read the welcome threads for more info, Thanks .

Offline Joe K

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I have forgiven several people during my life and every time, I dd it for me, not for them.  Some people just won't admit their mistakes and if you insist on them doing that, you are in for one long hate.  To me, harboring that hate gives the power to the other person.  They still have control over you, because of all the powerful feelings you have regarding their actions.

For me, when I could separate the idea of "contrition" on their part, with forgiveness on my part, it became so much easier.  I don't need an apology or explanation, to justify making myself whole again.  Sometimes it is so much healthier to simply accept them as you found them, forgive them for whatever and admit that is all the closure you are going to get.

Sometimes it is all about you.

Joe

Offline Lou-ah-vull

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I agree (again) with Joe 100%.  Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.  I have no idea who infected me but I suspect he had no idea he was infected.  Also, even though I thought "I was being careful" I obviously gambled and "so to speak" lost.  I have moved on...in large part because of this group and especially the ones who have joined me at our annual AMG gatherings.  I have to say that regardless of my "bad fortune" I have more than ample reasons to "count my blessings."

It would truly be a waste of even a nanosecond of my time to brood on whoever transmitted the virus to me, except to say, I hope that he is also now healthy and coping well (and yes, I am 100% certain it is a "he"...otherwise it would be the Immaculate and Miraculous Infection.)   :)

Gary
Diagnosed Oct. 2005
10/05:  367 (26.2%), 24556 VL
01/06:  344 (24.6%), 86299 VL
04/06:  374 (22.0%), 87657 VL
05/06:  Began HAART 05/15/06, Combivir/Kaletra
07/06:  361 (27.8%), 1299 VL
10/06:  454 (32.4%), 55 VL
01/07:  499 (38.4%), UD
02/07:  Switched to Atripla 2/8/07
04/07:  566 (37.7%), UD
08/07:  761 (42.3%), UD
06/08:  659 (47.1%), UD
01/09:  613 (43.8%), UD
07/09:  616 (47.4%), UD
01/10:  530 (44.2%), UD
07/10:  636 (48.9%), UD
01/11:  627 (48.2%), UD
07/11:  840 (52.5%), UD
01/12:  920 (51.1%), UD
07/12:  857 (50.4%), 40
10/12:  UD
01/13:  710 (47.3%), UD
07/13:  886 (49.2%), UD
01/14:  985 (46.9%), UD
06/14:  823 (47.2%), UD

Offline randym431

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Forgive? Well, no.
Since I was mislead and then raped, and I've never once before told anyone this.

That person purposely knew what they were doing all along, and they knew that they were hiv positive. Yeah, I would have very much loved to see legal justice done. After all, this was attempted murder.
This happened years and years long ago, and since in most infection cases you never know for sure for years that you were/are actually infected.
Also, I had bought life insurance from a family member just months before this incident where they did an hiv test as part of the insurance process and I was negative then and granted the policy.
So I know when and how I was infected and by whom. And it was no accident.

I've though of looking this person up, actually they were a couple that set me up, and they traveled only working in the an area for an limited assigned length of time.
But frankly, if I would have later found them I did not trust myself not to become violent and take revenge. I can only wonder how many others they targeted in the same manner. I have even wondered if they were not in the business of actually infecting people for whatever reason. They knew well exactly what they were doing.

My only blessing is that when I realized I was infected that I responded to treatment so successfully. But I admit the entire incident left a bad taste in my mouth concerning gay people in general. The gay community has a lot of enemies that wish us harm in one way or another, political enemies, religious enemies, and in some cases even family members. But add all those evil forces up that wish us harm, and they can not compare to the harm many of us willingly and knowingly have done to each other.

Yes, I'd expect someone like an Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson with wishing we were dead or that we would just go away, but to see that coming from another of our own community with the same attitude?

As I constantly tell my 20 year old nephew that just came out a few years ago, trust no one. Especially that hot guy you meet at the bar insisting unsafe sex with him is ok because he is clean. Yeah right....
And be very weary of the circumstances you might find yourself in.

Your worst nightmare doesn't necessarily have to be the bible thumping bigot, or that gay hater holding a bat.
It could very well be that hot guy you went home with the night before.
And that is indeed sad, but also can be so very true.

Yes, it disturbs me the outright disregard some of us have for each other.
Even to the point of attempted murder thru misleading and out right lying.
And I doubt very much that I am the only guy with a story like this.

Offline wolfter

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There are horrible people who do horrible things to people in all segments of society.  That should never be an indictment of all members of those cultures, groups...etc.

productivity breeds content

Online Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?

I have had anger issues because of this virus, I had to deal with those too . I have been mad at everyone from Ronald Regan and the government for too little too late to my parents who played a part in me loosing my insurance . I have seen HIV bring out the best and the worst in people, Ive seen the best and worst of myself .

I have a lot of experience with betrayal and hurt because of HIV and I almost let it destroy me before I did the work to settle it and make peace . Its not just HIV where I have seen the power of negativity that can come from betrayal ... My mom is a bitter sick woman who will go to her grave unhappy and full of hate because she cant forgive a betrayal she suffered from my dad almost 40 years ago , she cant differentiate between forgive or forget and thinks it the same thing our whole family has watched unresolved issues suck the joy and love of her life destroying what was once a great lady ... we love her just the same but there is sadness .

I don't always express it well but I am always concerned when these type threads come up because I have suffered greatly from carrying a load I could have found a way to put down a long time ago if only I knew how to do it . Its personal to me and I want people to know there is a way forward out of despair and disappointment . I truly feel that all of us that live with HIV should pay equal attention to our psychological health as we do at treating the virus . Just my two cents for what its worth .     


Offline Miss Philicia

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Irony... forgiveness.

Indeed.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Online initforlife

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I believe we all have our own stories of do we forgive or not. I choose to forgive this person he did not know he had it. and I know it's hurts him greatly knowing he gave this to me. He has said it to me in so many words.  ( like I can't stand to see you now ) things like that. but after I told him how it hurt me , he explain that it is the pain he lives with every day  knowing he gave Hiv to me.  That's when I understood what he was saying.  we are ok now we still talk and see each other. but I do have very hard days. Hiv fucks with your mind more then anything else I think. or it has mine. but after last week and me hitting I hope my low point I have chosen to move on so what I have hiv so what people around me still think it is something they can catch. but  the hell with them  I refuse to let them define me or Hiv. I'm the same person I was before I just have a virus which I might add my complera is kicking ass on! :)   I find it is forgiving like others have said is more for you not them.. don't let them control your thoughts and mind anymore with not forgiving and Gold if you ever need to talk .scream or anything pm and I will sure listen !  Thanks again for this site...and letting me vent also it does help to do that without judgment
« Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 10:32:21 AM by initforlife »
I should have known he was bi

Offline Jmarksto

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Gold; First, welcome to the forums.

Well, I have been tracking this thread and haven’t really known how to respond.  Not because I haven’t forgiven – I take full responsibility for my own infection – but because I am trying to relate to your  situation – to have that betrayal, and be literally criminal, tied to being infected is so different from my experience.

The closest experience that I can relate to in my life is when I witnessed a murder of a friend – that fu%$ed me up for a long time, and to some degree still has.  At the time I wanted to hang the mother fu#$%r, but as time went on I started to think about what his life was like that would make him do something like that and over time I started to have some compassion for him too – what a waste of his life, the person that was killed, and the collateral damage of everyone touched. My anger turned to sadness and over the 25 or so years my sadness has turned to compassion – I still get jumpy in certain public situations, the images flash, and I realize how vulnerable we all are, but that vulnerability is also what provides the warmth in healthy relationships too.

We all come here from different paths and acceptance/forgiveness is a very different process for each of us.  The fact that you asked the question says that you are working on the process of at least acceptance if not forgiveness – it will take some work, but in the long run it is worth it.

I wish you well
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline Almost2late

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I wish all those people who are still hurting will find peace and comfort
I am truly at a lost for words here, my heart goes out to ALL of you..

Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235
End of June switched Meds
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim, Azithromycin

“HIV does not make people dangerous to know, so you can shake their hands and give them a hug:
Heaven knows they need it.”

Princess Diana

Offline Irish Eyes

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Fortunately we all react very differently, and the day after receiving my dx, I contacted the person who I contracted from (as opposed to infected me) and advised him.

I was totally ignorant with regards to HIV, totally.

HIV was my biggest 'subconscious' fear and held me back from having any personal relationships for all too many years.
It was easier to focus on growing my business keep busy, as opposed to having a relationship, therefore not having to educate myself or even bother about HIV.

Needless to say, a crash course on HIV was in order, and along with its many burdens of doctors visits, meds and concealing status from family.
Playing the blame game was one burden I refused to weigh on my shoulders.

Perhaps it was growing up in Northern Ireland during the 'Troubles' that hardened me, but I passed absolutely no blame (which was perhaps even harder for him to accept) and moved on stoically.

Today, exactly 6 months since I advised him, HIV has become of little concern in my daily life. Though somewhat educated about it, and popping a pill every day, it has little little impact in my daily routine.

The only impact it has had, has been positive, though somewhat time consuming as 'Moosh' and I started dating. Yes it's a bizarre world (all things considered) but looks like we'll be walking this road together for a while, thankfully unburdened.


10/30/13          Exposure
Mid-Nov-Jan    Seroconversion (7-8 rough wks)
12.26.2013      WB dx. HIV+
02.01.2014      OraQuick (result Negative?)
01.31.2014      VL 250700
02.03.2014      CD4  491  26%
02.26.2014      CD4  503  26%
03.05.2014      HLA B6701  not present
03.18.2014      VL 530873 (typical fluctuation)
03.21.2014      Start Stribild
04.14.2014      VL 104 after 24 doses
05.12.2014      VL 129 after 52 doses
06.10.2014      CD4 940 32%
06.11.2014      VL 87

Online pochas2

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 8)Hi Gold

I was infected almost twenty years ago, I acquiered this virus through a blood transfudion after havving a bad accident, I don't blame the hospital where I got my transfusion, because I might be dead if it weren't for tha blood..I understand your feelings, but I think that having to deal with hiv is enough for your mind, and adding another burden by living regreating what can't fix...go luck, and life goes on, its still great living with hiv   =)

Online pochas2

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 8) I forgot to add that I'm grateful that I did not passed this virus on to anibody, because I always practiced safe-sex  =)

Offline stuka

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My story is a bit different as I got HIV from using needles. I admit that I have a lot of resentment toward the person who introduced me to drugs. But I also have to take responsibility that it was not him who made me use needles. To this day, I still cannot understand what possessed me to use needles at a place which was frequented by other users. I am really mad at myself for ignoring the fact that one can get HIV if sharing needles with others. I should have known better! So yes the only responsible party in this is me for being reckless and ignorant. I had so much going on for me and I just threw it all away during those few months.

However, I am determined to use this experience as a hard-earned lesson courtesy of the university of life. I have not touched drugs for more than 6 months now. I am eating better, trying to exercise more, and most importantly I have put the focus back on my family instead of my career and buddies. I have vowed to be there for my wife, love her unconditionally and never hurt her intentionally. I hope to live a long life, but if for any reason it's cut short due to HIV, I want to die with the satisfaction that I lived my life as a good person, a loving and loyal husband and a good father.

But right now, I am still ashamed of myself for doing what I did and not ready to forgive myself just yet.

Online pochas2

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 8)Hi stuka

That is the attitute to have a better life with HIV, although I think you should forget yourself, because of HIV you've vowed to be a better person not only for yourself, most importantly, for third persons (wife and children) whom are not at fault for our bad choices, so please forgive yourself, because if you would have keep doing drug, you MIGHT be dead by now or in a worse situation, alone and broke, Ok?...CONGRATULATIONS for stopping the use of drugs, that money you  use to spend buying drugs, save it, and go on vacations with your family, you owe them, I THINK...good luck   ;p

Offline drewm

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I don't have time for blame and besides, I am not sure who actually passed this virus to me but I damn sure know he is/was HOT!  ;)
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline goldkray9

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Thanks and I'm glad that I found this site since I have no support in real life. I  am working on trying to forgive my ex who infected me (he's in jail now) but, this guy went on a intentionaly hurt several more people and would not have stopped if one of the women would have reported him. I just cant bring myself to grips of why someone would do this on purpose and how evil it is. I refuse to let anger control my life and not to sound pathetic but its despecially hard being only 22 and having this seeing all my girlfriends date great guys, get pregnant and get married as I cannot do that. Your early twentys should be the best time of your life the time to travel, fall in love,start a family and just find yourself. I always wanted to be a housewife and have my own jewelrey buisness on the side but that won't happen now. My biggest loss no kids and not being able to get pregnant without hurting the child.

Online Jeff G

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Thanks and I'm glad that I found this site since I have no support in real life. I  am working on trying to forgive my ex who infected me (he's in jail now) but, this guy went on a intentionaly hurt several more people and would not have stopped if one of the women would have reported him. I just cant bring myself to grips of why someone would do this on purpose and how evil it is. I refuse to let anger control my life and not to sound pathetic but its despecially hard being only 22 and having this seeing all my girlfriends date great guys, get pregnant and get married as I cannot do that. Your early twentys should be the best time of your life the time to travel, fall in love,start a family and just find yourself. I always wanted to be a housewife and have my own jewelrey buisness on the side but that won't happen now. My biggest loss no kids and not being able to get pregnant without hurting the child.

Hi Gold ... You will be able to have children if you choose too . The advancement in HIV treatments has decreased the chance of passing the virus on from mother to child to practically nothing . Many of our forum members both male and female have gone on the be parents of hiv negative children . Its now rare for babies to be born with HIV when a parent is aware of their HIV status . You can still have a life and enjoy the same things you hoped for before your diagnosis . 

Offline leatherman

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You can still have a life and enjoy the same things you hoped for before your diagnosis .
Matter of fact, Gold, you need to get on to having that life and starting that jewelry business right now! This is not the 1990s and those fears you stated are simple that - fears. You see, the meds of 2014 are pretty much guaranteed to give you a "normal" life and "normal" life expectancy. You're going to need to secure finances to support youself through retirement and old age, so you need to get cracking on those long term plans for your future now - the plans of travel, employment and even having children.  :D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline skeebo1969

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So what your telling me is if your in a faithful , monogamous relationship and he cheats on you it's all of 'your' fault that you got infected????. So if my husband infected me after up with a random chick after work behind my back it 'my' fault???????. There is a thing call betrayal and it happens to everyone!!!!!

Looking at what a monogamous relationship should be, where you put trust in another person to be both faithful and aspire to build a lasting future together where you obtain security in regards to assets (home, family, etc.).. then no it's not your fault at all.

But, the truth of the matter is we put faith in the wrong people all the time.  It could be as simple as putting trust in that stranger who is at the next pump over as we fill our car with gas.  How do we know their intentions?  Is it our fault if they pull a gun out and take our wallet?   The answer in short, of course not.

We put faith in the wrong people all the time, and unfortunately, that includes relationships.  That's where taking responsibility for what happened to you lies.  You don't have to forgive him.  However, for your mental well being, it is best to acknowledge your part in your infection so you can move on to a better place in all this.  It takes time, and it can be hard. 

It's terribly difficult for many to admit they made a mistake that led to their infection.  Part, if not most of it, being that we trusted someone we thought would be the ONE.

As the other posters have already alluded to in this thread, plan for your future, because it can still be bright.  Love, family, and all the rest of your previous aspirations you held near and dear to your heart before all this are still very much attainable.

When I was diagnosed 9 years ago I came to this forum asking if I would live to see my youngest daughter graduate high school.   Now I sit here, remarried with a beautiful, healthy 6 year old who acts like a teenager already.  You see, it's a pretty normal life with all the stress included.

Be good to yourself, and be forgiving...... to YOU.

Skeebo
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Theyer

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Hi Gold ... You will be able to have children if you choose too . The advancement in HIV treatments has decreased the chance of passing the virus on from mother to child to practically nothing . Many of our forum members both male and female have gone on the be parents of hiv negative children . Its now rare for babies to be born with HIV when a parent is aware of their HIV status . You can still have a life and enjoy the same things you hoped for before your diagnosis .

Darling child enter the time machine and re emerge into HIV 2014 and get on with making the most off moving towards what you have written .All with in reach , I regularly see growing mummy tummies at the clinic I attend then get to hear very healthy baby lungs .

There,s a lot off reading up to do Gold , and here is a good place to start.
lots of hope for you
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline oksikoko

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How do I feel about the person who infected me and do I forgive them?

I don't know who he is,  but I feel he's as much a victim as I am,  if I am at all. Someone,  after all,  infected him too.  Demonizing him in any way just validates the belief that we are vampires preying on the unsuspecting innocents of the world as they slumber cherub-like in their beds. I am no cherub,  and I am responsible for my own health and my own infection.  Be careful throwing shame and guilt around because the next infecter could well be you.

Do I forgive him?  There's nothing to forgive,  but he can take that up with God someday.  It's none of my business,  and I have mundane shit to take care of down here.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline mecch

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How do I feel about the person who infected me and do I forgive them?

I don't know who he is,  but I feel he's as much a victim as I am,  if I am at all. Someone,  after all,  infected him too.  Demonizing him in any way just validates the belief that we are vampires preying on the unsuspecting innocents of the world as they slumber cherub-like in their beds. I am no cherub,  and I am responsible for my own health and my own infection.  Be careful throwing shame and guilt around because the next infecter could well be you.

Do I forgive him?  There's nothing to forgive,  but he can take that up with God someday.  It's none of my business,  and I have mundane shit to take care of down here.

good answer. Nice to see you oksikoko!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Raf

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How do you feel about the person who infected you?Do you forgive them?Please be honest.

It's a question that I've been asking myself during these years since my Dx.

I did not forgive that person, and that person is me. with all the education and information I had, I failed only three times to use condom (and 2 were with the same person) and that was enough to "win the great prize". But I shoud have known better, If I hadn't been so stupid and walked away the moment my partner weren't using a condom I wouldn't be here.

As for the person who infected me? I have my suspicion over 2 people who I had sex without protection, but I don't feel anything about them, just don't want to see them again on my life. If I see them on the street I'll walk besides them as if I didn't know them.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Online pochas2

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 8)hI raf....wouldn't you let them know, in anyway?....thx
It's a question that I've been asking myself during these years since my Dx.

I did not forgive that person, and that person is me. with all the education and information I had, I failed only three times to use condom (and 2 were with the same person) and that was enough to "win the great prize". But I shoud have known better, If I hadn't been so stupid and walked away the moment my partner weren't using a condom I wouldn't be here.

As for the person who infected me? I have my suspicion over 2 people who I had sex without protection, but I don't feel anything about them, just don't want to see them again on my life. If I see them on the street I'll walk besides them as if I didn't know them.

Offline Raf

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8)hI raf....wouldn't you let them know, in anyway?....thx

nah, it's just a waste of energy, and will not undo what is done. Nobody put me a gun to have unprotected sex, it was just me and my stupidity.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline mecch

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What about the person who infected me with influenza right before my GMAT.  Unnnnnforgiveable!!!!   :'( :o >:(
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Red23

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for me its bit of a yes and no answer

no i dont forgive the person that infected me because i put my trusted and loved her and had all of that betrayed and to me feels like a massive stab in the back

and yes i do kind of forgive her because at the same time it was my own fault for not taking the proper precautions knowing full well of the risks of not using protection

Offline deprivedlol

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You know I walk around an angry bitter person in general...frustrated that this limits my dating opportunities...has cost me a couple of jobs...and just makes me feel shitty in general about myself...but for some odd reason I do forgive him.  I can't really explain it.  I don't think I need to though.  I never knew he was sick until after he died, but I kind of always knew something wasn't right.  He always had a sadness about him, a 'look' in his eyes.  I was too much of an alcoholic to try and make sense of it at the time.  But now all these years later I feel the sadness he must've been feeling.  That feeling of despair and loneliness.  I know why he didn't want to tell me.  All he wanted was for someone to care.  I wish I could find that someone...that person that I was for him.

Offline RobbyR

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Not sure how I feel about the person who infected me with HIV because I can't remember who did it. Imagine how frustrating that can be. It's been 5 years since my diagnosis and around 10 since I've had HIV. I'm glad they caught it in time to get me healthy and on meds. Like someone else said nobody held a gun to my head making me sleep without a condom so basically it's pointless to rehash things..However I had and am still having sme major emotional problems and for reasons I won't go into I can't remember most of the people I slept with in my 20s due to memory blocks and just having major gaps in memory. So even if I knew who infected me I don't know how I'd feel. Obviously I wish I wasn't poz but what's done is done and just trying to live day by day but it's difficult due to my issues.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Online pochas2

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 8)my questions is, how do you feel about the persons you might have infected while you were positive, without knowing you were poz?...have anybody here thought about it?....ojo

Offline Miss Philicia

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8)my questions is, how do you feel about the persons you might have infected while you were positive, without knowing you were poz?...have anybody here thought about it?....ojo

Why would I feel guilty about something I didn't know about?

I suppose if I'd taken 100 raw loads up my ass for a decade and didn't get tested I'd feel guilty, but I didn't so I don't.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline leatherman

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how do you feel about the persons you might have infected while you were positive, without knowing you were poz?...have anybody here thought about it?
sure we've thought about it. 20%-25% of all positive people haven't even bothered to get tested. That's the whole principle behind getting MORE testing done - to slow/stop the infection rate.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Online pochas2

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Why would I feel guilty about something I didn't know about?

I suppose if I'd taken 100 raw loads up my ass for a decade and didn't get tested I'd feel guilty, but I didn't so I don't.
Hi Miss Philicia...I'm not talking about feeling guilty. I'm saying when you found out your are poz, woul you think on the people who slept with you right after your hiv dx?..how would you feel?, sad, worry, do I have to let them know to avoid more infections, I don't know, I guess there has to be a kind of feeling for the other who had unprotected sex with you and most likely is having unprotected sex with others
thanks for your reply Miss,...ojo

Online pochas2

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sure we've thought about it. 20%-25% of all positive people haven't even bothered to get tested. That's the whole principle behind getting MORE testing done - to slow/stop the infection rate.
tha's is my point leatherman, if we know thst we just tested positive for hiv, wouldn't we have some responsablity to let others (secual partners) let them know about your results, so we help to stop this pandemic?...either by telling ourselves or by the healthdepartment that they have been at risk...Just a thought
thanks leatherman and Miss your two are some of my favorite people in here, for your knowledged in all kind of topics    ojo

bear with my bad English, I've been trying to learn it, but English sucks lol

 


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